I'll Be You

So much fun to hit the slopes with these two again!

There's something about skiing that brings on nostalgia for me, big time. Skiing is among my best memories from high school and college, and it has been so much fun to introduce it to my kids. I'm hoping one of these days to get them out West so that they can experience skiing in the mountains, which is ever so much more beautiful and satisfying.

Speaking of nostalgia, skiing reminds all three of us of how fortunate we were to have someone so passionate and skilled at skiing along for the ride for a couple of years there for what we in the Midwest call skiing. Yes, my daughter looks back on the day she spent with the New Englander at the biggest resort she's ever been to (Granite Peak) as one of the best days of her life -- she said so when we hit Cascade today.

I'm glad he could give her that. I'm glad it's a memory she cherishes. But most of all, I am glad the three of us were back out there today, soaking up the experience. A bunch of the runs were "closed" -- but for Archie and her mini me, those signs felt more like suggestions that we just didn't feel like taking. And so we enjoyed a little more powder, a little more adventure, than we otherwise would have, which was awesome.

And now, speaking of nostalgia and awesomeness, this song by The Replacements came on in the car on the way home:

If it's a temporary lull
Why am I bored right outta my skull?
Man, I'm dressin' sharp an' feelin' dull

Lonely, I guess that's where I'm from
If I was from Canada
Then I'd best be called lonesome

And if it's just a game
Then I'll break down just in case
Oh yeah, we're runnin' in our last race

Well, I laughed half the way to Tokyo
I dreamt I was Surfer Joe
An' what that means, I don't know

Here come my favorite lines:

A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
And I'm searching for somethin' to do

If it's just a game
Then we'll hold hands just the same
So what, we're bleeding but we ain't cut

And I could purge my soul perhaps
For the imminent collapse
Oh yeah, I'll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while, I'll be you

A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
Won't you tell me what I should do?

And if it's just a lull
Why am I bored right outta my skull?
Oh yeah, keep me from feeling so dull

And if it's just a game
Then we'll break down just in case
Then again, I'll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while
You be me for a while and I'll be you

Ah yes, perspective taking. It's made for so much more peace between siblings, and so much more contentment for my once-broken heart...

Ceiling Gazing

Here's a holiday tradition I love: the menorah

My first love (who lives in England) sent me the link to this song yesterday. He's been going through some rough stuff with the possible end of his marriage, and I have to admit that when I first heard that I thought, maybe he can come visit and I won't be sleeping alone during the holidays after all!

Ah yes, the holidays. Even the most enlightened among us can long for everything to be picture perfect this time of year, and let's face it, at least in my book, sleeping alone ain't picture perfect.

But that's ok. Because it's not really about being picture perfect, it's about being perfectly present, and I'm doing better at that than ever before.

One of the things I'm realizing, with this greater degree of presence, is how much darkness the men I've loved in the past carry with them. Which is no accident: A wise woman I spoke to last week told me that when I fell for men with gaping wounds, I did it so that it would be ok for me to have a gaping wound. Which makes a ton of sense.

Now that I'm further along in my own healing, I'm ready for a man with more light. But until I'm lying next to him, I'll be just fine doing some ceiling gazing on my own:

Laying in my bed, ceiling gazing
Wide awake with jet-lag from Australia
Got a stack of mail, and a wedding invitation
From a new, young relative I never even knew

Got me thinking about my grandpa for some reason
Met him half a dozen times in a nursing home
The last time I saw him, he was in a box
And they were lowering him into the ground

St. Mary's Church stood so high
It was the first and the last time I saw my dad cry
The ground had a thin coat of snow,
And we wondered off in the cold.

It's 3:47 AM June 13th
It's my sister's birthday today, I think
Gonna give her a call, and see how she's doing
She had a rough divorce, I hope she's improved

I wanna reach out, and give her my love
Put a smile on her face, like when we were young
Listening to records from the library
Hermit of Mink Hollow and Dreamboat Annie

She lives with her daughters, all alone
Across the street from a cornfield in Ohio
One's four, one's seven, and I love them so,
I wanna live a long time, and see them grow.

...with no love beside me, and no dog asleep at my feet:

Outside my window tonight
Sausalito's twinkling lights
My love's beside me, deep asleep
Dog is laying between my feet

... and yet with so much to write in the gratitude journal that I keep next to my bed:

Outside my window tonight
A cargo ship's cruising by
And I'm so happy to be alive
To have these people in my life

The Things I Regret

Selfie with one of the beautiful birthday girls this weekend!

On the way home from practice this morning, I was so happy to hear my girl Brandie belting out this new number:

Ohhhhh ohhhh ohhhh oh-o-oh
Ohhhhh ohhhh ohhhh oh-o-oh

There’s a hole in my pocket where my dreams fell through,
from a sidewalk in the city to the avenue.
There’s a leak in my dam ‘bout the size of a pin,
and I can’t quite remember where the water’s getting in.

But when you’re wearing on your sleeve,
all the things you regret,
you can only remember what you want to forget.
You feel it tugging at your heart,
like the stars overhead,
‘til you rest your bones on the killing bed.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

With the weight of the world resting on my back,
and the road on which I've travelled is as long as it is cracked.
But I keep pressing forward with my feet to the ground,
for a heart that is broken makes a beautiful sound.

I love me some Brandi in general, but that last line really got right to me. I had a call this weekend with a woman who delivered the unsugarcoated truth about where I am in my life and where my work is going forward. And there's a lot of work, some of which I'm really not sure how to go about doing. Like learning to receive, understanding that money is neutral, and finding more of a balance between being in my mind and being in my body.

I feel like I've been working at all of those things, but maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe it's about surrender rather than working? I don't know, but I'm trying not to take my to-do list as an indictment on my current station in this life:

I walk through my days like a ghost in a dream,
but the field carries on and my past follows me.
It’s hard moving on from the things you done wrong,
when they play in your head like an old fashioned song.

But when you’re wearing on your sleeve,
all the things you regret,
you can only remember what you want to forget.

Lonely miles,
without you.

Lonely miles,
without you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.

Let the ground keep my faults.
Let the water be my home.
Let the dust hold my soul,
like a holy rolling stone.

Yeah. Let that happen. Maybe that'll help...

Revelate

Merry Christmas to me -- a Guinness at lunch!

Today I got to meet my old boss and coworker for a Holiday lunch at Brocach. It was so nice to see them both and catch up, plus the food was great and I got to have my favorite (well, at least one of my favorite), Irish beverages, Guinness, with my lunch. What a treat!

Speaking of treats, these irish dudes are definitely one:

My simple slant
This broken chant
My humble fate
My revelate
Are you so far from me this day
That you can't say my revelate

My open arms
My lucky charms
My number eight
My revelate
I fucked it up
I rest my case
Cause it's all to grey
My revelate

Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes it's all too hard to take
Sometimes I need a revelation
This time I'm making my own now
Does this mean we're through
Does this mean it's gone
I spent a day just to ponder the words
That I would write to you this day
But it's all too great, my revelate

Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes it's all too hard to take
Sometimes I need a revelation
This time it's up in arms

This time I need you revelation
Sometimes it's all too much to take
This time I need you revelation
Sometimes it's easy just to hate you
Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes I,sometimes I,

Redeem yourself
Redeem yourself
Redeem yourself

You Make My Dreams

I can't remember if I blogged about it or not, but a few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was in Europe with the first man I've been really drawn to since the New Englander. We were so happy! We were just having the best time, and at the end of the dream we were locked in this huge embrace with the biggest grins on our faces, noses nearly touching.

When I woke up, I felt, for the first time, what it is like to feel so happy and free and in love. This feeling of pure joy was never possible for me before, because truly until the New Englander left and I did all that grieving, I had been hauling sadness around with me wherever I went -- and god knows he brought more than his share of that to the table.

I'm not gonna lie, having this dream about my crush definitely served to magnify my feelings for him. Maybe he was going to be the person with whom I felt that happiness and freedom!? Being around him does make me feel lighter, there is no doubt about that.

But here's what else I know is true: His words don't match his actions, and that's a dealbreaker for me in any relationship. AND he's not ready to be in a romantic relationship, and that's the relationship I want with someone to whom I am attracted.

Talking to one of my healer peeps yesterday, I realized that means that it is best for me to limit my contact with said lovely man. What's the point of being around someone I find so adorable if he's not in a position to adore me right back? There is no point.

My healer also said something really significant for me, which was that the dream came to show me that I both have the capacity for great joy and that I'm ready to embrace it -- that it's in me. So huge! Because that means it isn't necessarily tied to that lovely man to whom I'm energetically drawn but who has very little to give right now. In fact, it means the more I detach from him the more open I am to the real deal, the man who, as Hall and Oates sing it, can make my dreams come true:

What I want you've got
And it might be hard to handle
Like the flame that burns the candle
The candle feeds the flame, yeah, yeah
What I've got's full stock
Of thoughts and dreams that scatter
Then you pull them all together
And how I can't explain
Oh, yeah
Well, well you
(Ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo)
You make my dreams come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)
Well, well, well you
(You-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)
Oh, yeah
You make my dreams come true
(You make my dreams)
Come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)

Yes you do, mystery man. I know it. I've felt it. Can't wait to meet you in real life!

Kansas City

Heard this song on my trip home from Milwaukee yesterday:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

Up super early this morning -- more like middle of the night, really -- I am once again hearing these words (minus the Kansas City bit):

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

And I know the answer. I can't keep singing the same old song. Not anymore. It occurred to me this morning that I have lived this first half (give or take a few years) of my life largely alone. I spent my childhood mostly alone, inside my head, hiding from myself and from everyone I loved the truth about that with which I was living. I had a marriage in which the deeper I went toward myself the further I got from my husband -- not placing blame here -- but it doesn't get much lonelier than that.

And then once I was fully inhabiting mind, body, soul, heart, and I fell in love with the New Englander, I wound up with a man who not only retreated into himself periodically during our relationship but ultimately chose isolation over the vulnerability (and awesomeness) of being with me. During that time, I confused the frequent and fantastic comingling of our bodies as a true comingling of our lives. The latter never really happened.

Oof.

I get it. People are scary. Intimacy is scary. I had to walk the path that I have walked to get to a place in my life where I feel comfortable going down that road -- opening myself up to someone who is really ready to receive me and who has something to give. But that's what I intend to do moving forward:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

Nah, I'm staying right here. But I won't keep singing the same old song...

Boob Spelled Backward is Boob

Today's important event: this girl's birthday!

Ahhh, Facebook. You waster of time. You loyal reminder of life's important events. You sharer of life's sorrows and joys.

Today's song comes from the latter category:

I imagine that I'm floating on a gentle river
I'm moving fast down a waterfall
And I'm falling, falling to my end

Never forget the good things in life
Like candy, life, eating, having fun
Because the end all that matters
All that matters is you

I am dreaming I'm a leaf on a tree

I'm swaying all around in the breeze

But then a crow jumps out and I fall

I get covered in weeds

Never forget the good things in life
Like candy, life, eating, having fun
Because the end all that matters
All that matters is you

Boob spelled backwards is boob
Boob spelled backwards is boob
Boob spelled backwards is boob
It's boob

Yes, Archer (songwriter and son of Mom with breast cancer), it is. You're pretty awesome for writing this song, the musicians who recorded it for you are pretty awesome too, and the most awesome news of all is that your Mom is still with you.

Thanks for deepening my already deep gratitude for the joy and privilege of motherhood. I've had a rich, varied and interesting life so far, but being a Mom is far and away the greatest thing I am and the greatest thing I've ever done...

i

Breathe for Change: Changing the world, one teacher at a time

What a day.

It began with a beautiful Breathe for Change workshop, which felt a little bittersweet because I made the decision yesterday to let go of my work with that organization for right now in order to make space for work with a salary commensurate with both my experience and my needs.

So that was a big deal.

And then what was supposed to be a practice session at my house with my favorite student turned into a conversation on the couch about being single parents, divorce, what I'm going to do with my life, our relationship, sex, exes, fantasies -- all the good stuff was in there.

It was about as satisfying as a conversation can be with someone who you kinda wish would just crawl in bed with you but in some ways you're just as willing to settle for a really satisfying hug at the door because you know damn well he's not in a place to love you right now.

You know?

And the day was capped off by a really awesome 7th grade concert tonight put on by my very own 7th grader and her classmates. The band sounded great, the orchestra sounded good, and the choir was awesome.

This song was one of the choral numbers tonight, and one of, though not the only, songs that made me cry today:

I done been through a whole lot
Trials and tribulations, but I know God
Satan wanna put me in a bow-tie
Praying that the holy water don't go dry, yeah yeah
As I look around me
So many motherfuckers wanna down me
But ain't no nigga never drown me
In front of a dirty double-mirror they found me

I didn't grow up in the ghetto, but I done been through a whole lot too. And I'm grateful for all of it, especially my good fortune to emerge, just like kendrick lamar, loving myself:

And I love myself
(The world is a ghetto with guns and picket signs)
I love myself
(But it can do what it want whenever it wants and I don't mind)
I love myself
(He said I gotta get up, life is more than suicide)
I love myself
(One day at the time, sun gone shine)

Hey Hey My My

This morning in the car on my way to practice, this song came on:

Hey, hey, my, my
Rock and roll can never die
There's more to the picture than meets the eye
Hey, hey, my, my

Out of the blue and into the black
You pay for this, but they give you that
And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black

The king is gone but he's not forgotten
Is this the story of the Johnny Rotten?
It's better to burn out 'cause rust never sleeps
The king is gone but he's not forgotten

Hey, hey, my, my
Rock and roll can never die
There's more to the picture than meets the eye

And I just felt so grateful to be living in this world with Neil Young, so happy when I heard his voice coming through my speakers.

Then I got to the studio and we had a record breaking group practicing today -- it felt so great. I feel so lucky to have found this path from surviving to thriving, and so grateful to be able to share it with others...

Last Christmas

The godmother of spilling

Tonight I had the good fortune of gathering with some amazing women at an amazing house to spill -- or write what was on our minds and hearts as prompted by our fearless leader (pictured at left in her evergreen boa).

The first time I joined the group was two months ago, and I was struck by how much more freedom and poetry they all had in their writing. I took a month off, and when I returned, I was determined to find a little more freedom myself.

In some ways I managed -- I didn't use my computer this time, I used good old fashioned pen and paper -- but I was pretty bummed when the lovely writing prompts (from the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed) led me to the well-worn topic of my heartbreak at the departure of the New Englander.

This is what I wrote:

"it isn't so much that i look for you,
but that i find you.
i find you in the expected places --
the trails we rode together, the parks where we camped, the bed where we slept...
and i'm ok with that
i'm prepared for those memories
i've practiced those tears
i know where they'll fall

it's when i find you where we haven't been
where we didn't get to go

that's when the idea of a second heart
a heart that doesn't have to forget you
a heart that's never met you
starts to seem like
my only path to freedom."

I cried while I was writing it, I cried while I was reading it. I thought by now I'd be past this point, but it seems, I'm not. So I'm just going to try to be gentle with myself.

And while I work on that, I'm gonna listen to Wham:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognize me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore him apart
Maybe next year,
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
Special, someone, someone
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special

Who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone, hold my heart and watch it burn

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
I thought you were here to stay
How can love be for a day?
I thought you were someone special, gave you my heart

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
You gave it away
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

...special.

Yes.

I.

Will.

Baby I Need Your Lovin'

Alexandria, VA: Some see cobblestones, I see hearts

Ahhhhhh travel. It never fails to give me a new perspective.

At my massage the other day, the therapist told me that the man I've been crushing on is emotionally unavailable.

To some degree, I think she's projecting, and to some degree, I think she's right.

But it wasn't until I got on an airplane yesterday that I could really feel that she was right and what's more, that it didn't matter, because there's no scarcity of people to love (and be loved by) out there.

There I was, seated next to this handsome young hottie, and it was all I could do not to move on over into his lap. There's something about being that close to an attractive man that brings out the part of me that really, really, wants and need physical contact from the opposite sex.

Sing it Four Tops:

Baby, I need your lovin'
Baby, I need your lovin'
Although you're never near
Your voice I often hear
Another day, 'nother night
I long to hold you tight
'Cause I'm so lonely

Baby, I need your lovin'
Got to have all your lovin'
Baby I need your lovin'
Got to have all you lovin'

Some say it's a sign of weakness
For a man to beg
Then weak I'd rather be
If it means having you to keep
'Cause lately I've been losing sleep

Baby, I need your lovin'
Got to have all your lovin'
Baby I need your lovin'
Got to have all you lovin'

Lonely nights echo your name
Oh, sometimes I wonder
Will I ever be the same?
Oh yeah! When you see me smiling
You know things have gotten worse
Any smile you might see has all been rehearsed
Darling, I can't go on without you
This emptiness won't let me live without you
This loneliness inside, darling
Makes me feel half alive

Baby, I need your lovin'
Got to have all your lovin'
Baby I need your lovin'
Got to have all you lovin'
Baby, I need your lovin'
Got to have all your lovin'

I really do got to, and here's what this trip to Alexandria has taught me: I don't need to fixate on one person to satisfy those needs. All I have to do is know that I can draw the love to me that I am ready and willing to give.

That and, as I learned in my yoga class this morning, I need to find the balance between an open heart and a strong back. Both are needed for health and happiness, physically and emotinally...

Growing Up

A girl's gotta have a new lid for a Wisco winter!

Heard this song in the car today after my massage:

They say boys don't cry
But your dad has shed a lot of tears
They say I should be a strong man
But baby, I'm still filled with fear
Sometimes I don't know who I am
Sometimes I question why I'm here
I just wanna be a good dad
Will I be I have no idea
They say girls shouldn't be tough
And moms should raise their kids at home
But baby, I know that that isn't true
'Cause your momma's the toughest person I know
I wanna raise you to be like her
And watch you show the world how to do it on your own
I'm still tryna figure out who I am
I don't wanna mess this up or do this wrong
I'm gonna be there for your first breath
I don't know if I'll be there for your first step
I can promise you that I'll try to work less
But the tour's routed, and I got this album
Put in so many hours, and I just want the outcome
To be something that I can look back and I can be proud of
Don't wanna be a dad that's living in FaceTime
But I've got a world to sing to and you at the same time
I won't spoil you, you can trust that
For your sweet sixteen, you get a bus pass
Had your heart broken, been there, done that
I love you and I can't give you enough of that
Get back to community that raised you up
Read Langston Hughes, I suggest A Raisin in the Sun
Listen to Sam Cooke, a change gon' come
You put the work in, don't worry about the praise, my love
Don't try to change the world, find something that you love
And do it every day
Do that for the rest of your life
And eventually, the world will change

I'll be patient, one more month
You'll wrap your fingers round my thumb
Times are changing, I know, but who am I if
I'm the person you become
If I'm still growing up, up, up, up
I'm still growing up, up, up, up
I'm still growing up

Which seemed apropos given that the massage therapist was talking about being the age she is and still having so much she hasn't quite figure out. She said it like it was a problem, but I reckon that's the point, to keep trying to figure it out:

I recommend that you read The Alchemist
Listen to your teachers, but cheat in calculus
Tell the truth, regardless of the consequence
And every day, give your momma a compliment
Take your girl to the prom
But don't get too drunk hanging out the limo
Slow dance with your woman in your arms
Sneak her in after but boy, you better tiptoe
Don't wake your mom up,do yoga, learn 'bout karma
Find God, but leave the dogma
The quickest way to happiness learning to be selfless
Ask more questions, talk about yourself less
Study David Bowie, James Baldwin and 2Pac
Watch the sun set with best friends from a rooftop
Wear a helmet, don't be stupid,jaywalk, but look before you do it
If it snows, go outside, build a jump, get some help
Get a sled, thrash the hill with your friends, 'til it melts
Go to festivals, camp, fall in love and dance
You're only young once, my loved one, this is your chance
Take risks, 'cause life moves so fast
You're only young once, my loved one, this is your chance

I'll be patient, one more month
You'll wrap your fingers round my thumb
Times are changing, I know, but who am I
If I'm the person you become
If I'm still growing up, up, up, up
I'm still growing up, up, up, up

It's been a while since my babies were young enough to wrap their fingers around my thumb. I miss those days, there's no doubt that I do, but I'm grateful, so grateful for the fine young people that they are, and I look forward to the day that their babies will wrap their fingers around my thumb:

I'll be patient, one more month
You'll wrap your fingers round my thumb
Times are changing, I know, but who am I
If I'm the person you become
If I'm still growing up, still growing up, still growing up
If I'm still growing up, still growing up, still growing up

Even if, even then:

If I'm still growing up
I'm still growing up, ooh
I'm still growing up
I'm still growing up

All Things Bright and Beautiful

Feels good to stand for something I believe in!

Today didn't start off that awesome, but it just kept getting better. It started turning around when I went for a run with a friend -- and the sun even came out for a bit of our run.

But mostly, I just really enjoyed spending time with my kids today. They helped me make this photo to post to Facebook for giving Tuesday, willingly helped out with housework and pet care, were engaging at dinner without me having to pry, and created an obstacle course for our after dinner entertainment!

I am so grateful for this time with my kids, especially now that I can feel that in not too long a time, they will go off to college.

So today's song about appreciating life is one from my childhood. It's religious, which my upbringing sorta was and sorta wasn't (Mom=Episcopalian, Dad=Atheist):

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.

Each little flower that opens,
each little bird that sings,
God made their glowing colors,
and made their tiny wings.

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.

The purple-headed mountains,
the river running by,
the sunset and the morning
that brightens up the sky.

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.

The cold wind in the winter,
the pleasant summer sun,
the ripe fruits in the garden:
God made them every one.

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.

I'm indeed grateful for all things bright and beautiful, but most of all, I'm grateful for the two magical creatures I made myself (with a little help from their father, of course)!

The Pleasure Song

I have a new guilty pleasure on Netflix, and this one brings me more guilt and more pleasure than the average binge watch: The L word.

Dang there's a lot of hot sex on that show. I remember when it came out -- remember the controversy -- but I didn't have much interest in watching it at the time.

But now, with the longest dry spell of my adult life going, I have a lot of interest, and I'm grateful that it comes through for me.

This song, from the soundtrack, speaks my truth:

I got so much love
So much more
So much more love to give
I got so much more
So much love
So much more love left to give
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
I got so many lives
So many more
So many more lives to live
I got so much love
So much love
So much more love left to give
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
Are you with me or without me?
Are you with me here or am I alone?
I got somewhere
Somewhere to be
Somewhere to be with you
There is somewhere
Somewhere to be
Somewhere for me and you
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
Are you with me or without me?
Are you with me now or am I alone?
Can you see me? I can see you
Please be with me here so I'm not alone
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to go
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
So much more to go
So much more to know

So much more...

Daughters

A labor of love brought my groovy glass tables back to life!

Today is my father's birthday. He's 74 years old, which seems hard to believe, but since I've been alive for all but 30 of his years, I guess it kinda makes sense that he's getting up there.

Yesterday he returned to me the wood table bases that he fixed for me so I could once again use my groovy glass top tables in my groovy 60s pad. Apparently he worked on them for hours and hours and I am super appreciative.

We've had an up and down relationship across our time on this Earth together. It hasn't been easy, but through it all I've always loved and admired parts of my Dad and I know that being one of his daughters (as John Mayer says) has shaped who I am and who I choose to love:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

I've experienced what feels like a lifetime of healing since my marriage, and a whole lot more on top of that since I met and was with the New Englander. I believe that the healing helps me discern when I'm drawn to the aspects of men that are like my father that are positive -- smart, funny, active, and nature-loving -- and to try to steer clear of those who exhibit signs of the aspects of my father that are not so positive -- the emotional unavailability, the quick temper, the lingering sadness:

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

One thing's for sure, it is a very powerful connection, that of fathers and daughters. I see that with my daughter and her father, too -- he means the world to her:

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Be As You Are

Cheers to our favorite Cabernet lover!

This year my extended family had our usual Thanksgiving celebration at my Uncle's farm on Friday rather than Thursday.

My son and I had already had one (huge, delicious!) Thanksgiving dinner with friends yesterday, so I was extra intent on getting my usual run in even though it was such a cold, blustery day.

My usual run is from the farm to the cemetery where my friend is buried, a friend who was married to my cousin when she died at age 37.

I always get something from visiting that place, and this time it was a mixture of forgiveness, the importance of choosing to love, and a deep understanding that so often the things in life that are most challenging are the most satisfying.

After dinner we played games, as usual, and my sister and Aunt and other family members always like to enjoy some wine together. I don't usually join, but when I heard that the bottle they opened was one that my late friend had brought to the farm (at least six years ago), I knew that I had to at least have a sip.

A bit later, one of my cousins was reminiscing about my wedding in St. John, and he played this song for me on his phone:

Man, I could use a Pina Colada
Little bit of sun on my skin
A hammock, a book
Never gonna look back
Once my feet hit the sand
I've had it up to here with this rat race
Need a smile on my face

...which mentions a bar where he and my other cousin hung out while we were down there:

I want to go where I can lighten up the load
Drive a little while on the wrong side of the road
Get this laying low off to a flying start
Play my guitar in the Caribbean sun
Hang with the locals at the Quiet Mon
Where you can be a tourist, a beach bum, or a star
And be as you are

St. John is certainly an incredible place:

Gettin' stuck sure would be easy
In this palm tree paradise
Ambition fades with every wave
For the finer things in life
Maybe I'll just hang around here
Go home later next year

But I felt pretty darn grateful to be right where I was today, in the midst of my family, all of us imperfect humans, doing our best to love each other. And I could feel the love, more than usual, and so could my kids.

A happy thanksgiving indeed!

I'm Not the Only One

Yesterday I found myself belting this song out when I thought I was alone, but wasn't:

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof's in the way it hurts

For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

What can I say? It's just that kind of song. Very satisfying to belt out:

You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up

But luckily, I know I'm enough. I also know I need someone who is excited for all of me -- I know I'm a force to be reckoned with and I need someone who celebrates that rather than shying away:

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

Nope. Not just yet. But I'm gonna be...

The Wolf

Still reeling from the weekend, I decided to pay a visit to an extra special yoga teacher with extra special powers last night. It really helped shift the way I was experiencing everything and I was so grateful.

Then this morning, I heard this song in the car:

Wide-eyed with a heart made full of fright
Your eyes follow like tracers in the night
And the tightrope that you wander everytime
You have been weighed, you have been found wanting

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

And I thought how this recent traumatic event and the contact I had with the New Englander about it just really served to show me that I've never been with someone who is all I've ever longed for, but by God, I deserve nothing less:

Sheltered, you better keep the wolf back from the door
He wanders ever closer every night
And how he waits begging for blood
I promised you everything would be fine

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

Hold my gaze love, you know I want to let it go
We will stare down at the wonder of it all
And I-I will hold you in it and I-I will hold you in it

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to look you in the eye
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

Nope, you weren't. You were a lot of really wonderful things and then the rest of what I was looking for, well, I pretended you had that too but you really didn't.

No more pretending! Here's to being real, and staying with myself, with whatever and whoever shows up next. I know that no one man can be all things but I also know in my heart the difference between someone who is all in and someone who isn't, and having run the course with someone I knew for years was in the latter category, I won't be doing that again!

Starman

The first snow did help cushion the blow a bit!

I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it was to find myself at the movies today. I love me some movies, especially at Sundance, and especially when the world I'm leaving behind is full of difficulty and pain and loss.

My daughter had requested that we see The Martian, so off we went today in the midst of a weekend that was otherwise filled with soccer games and hospital visits to see her injured father and his girlfriend. 

The movie was decent, albeit long, but it kinda didn't matter so much what was happening on the screen as much as it mattered that I was there to see it (as opposed to dealing with real life). 

One of my favorite moments in the film came when they played this classic tune:

Didn't know what time it was and the lights were low

I leaned back on my radio

Some cat was layin' down some rock 'n' roll 'lotta soul, 

he said

Then the loud sound did seem to fade

Came back like a slow voice on a wave of phase

That weren't no D.J. that was hazy cosmic jive

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He's told us not to blow it

Cause he knows it's all worthwhile

He told me:

Let the children lose it

Let the children use it

Let all the children boogie

I had to phone someone so I picked on you

Hey, that's far out so you heard him too!

Switch on the TV 

we may pick him up on channel two

Look out your window I can see his light

If we can sparkle he may land tonight

Don't tell your poppa or he'll get us locked up in fright

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He's told us not to blow it

Cause he knows it's all worthwhile

He told me:

Let the children lose it

Let the children use it

Let all the children boogie

Yes, Starman the children deserve to feel free enough to boogie, as do the rest of us, but sometimes that's just not what life presents us with...

Someone New

This song has been stuck in my head for days:

Don't take this the wrong way,
You knew who I was with every step that I ran to you,
Only blue or black days,
Electing strange perfections in any stranger I choose.

Would things be easier if there was a right way?
Honey, there is no right way.

And so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I like Hozier, and the concept of falling in love with someone new is now both warming and welcome, even though what he's talking about here has nothing to do with love and everything to do with finding a way to numb the pain of heartbreak:

There's an art to life's distractions,
To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through,
Some like to imagine,
The dark caress of someone else, I guess any thrill will do

Would things be easier if there was a right way?
Honey, there is no right way.

And so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I wake at the first cringe of morning,
And my heart's already sinned.
How pure, how sweet a love, Aretha, that you would pray for him.

'Cause God knows I fall in love just a little, oh, a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

But I'm definitely not in that place -- though I have been there -- when the one night stand kind of stranger is at all appealing. So I choose to hear it more as a message of hope about a real love that is on its way:

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

Stand By You

Driving to practice this morning, I heard this song:

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you

And I especially loved the lines: if your wings are broken, borrow mine 'til yours can open too. I've seen, particularly through my work with Breathe for Change, that this is how it works. When we were debriefing on Friday, both the founder and I were in tears recalling how it was the support we lent each other back and forth that allowed us both to keep going and keep manifesting this dream which is the work we are now doing in schools.

There's still a part of me that isn't sure about this kind of love, the kind that feels like it really won't go away, the way so much of the love I've been offered and have received has done in my lifetime. But every day that I'm in this world of being seen and heard and supported, and I get to offer the same, I move a little bit closer to feeling like I can trust it:

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you

Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed
And the heart, sometimes it's unclear why it's beating
And love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, truth, I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith, I think faith is having a reason
Nah, nah, nah, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Can't Help Falling in Love

This has been an interesting week for realizations and revelations. Maybe it's the new moon -- I'm not sure. But one of my realizations concerns the man I've had a crush on for the last few weeks.

I've been telling myself that he is not ready for a relationship like I am; that his heart is on lock down (which I can physically see when we practice yoga together). And then this week, every time I went to lie down in savasana after practice, I felt this cage around the back of my heart. Maybe my heart's on lock down too?

As I was pondering this, I also remembered my friend telling me that you don't attract what you want, you attract what you are, and that felt like more evidence that I too am guarding my heart.

When I got home last night from my loooooonggg, magical day, I happened to see a picture of said crush on Facebook. And when I saw it, I just thought to myself: I love this man.

Who knows what will happen? Who knows if he will end up being my person in this time and space. I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.

I went to a yoga class this afternoon with my friend, and the teacher ended class with this poem from Rumi:

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”

Remembering my response to the picture on Facebook, I thought to myself; "Ok heart, I trust you. You've only led me to magical things in the past."

True, the most magical of which ended in heartbreak (hence the lock-down ) but if I could go back, I wouldn't trade that love for any other. I really wouldn't.

And I don't have to, because I reckon I'm just about to fall in love again, Ingrid Michaelson (cover) style:

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please just take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
'Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you

I'm So Tired of Being Alone

The B4C team dashes from one school to the next

What an incredible, emotional day. After working my ass off for weeks to prepare, today I had the honor of bringing yoga to educators in three of Madison's public schools.

It was intense, it was rushed (see photo of us running down the hall of one school with our gear to get to the next school), but it was also beautiful, so beautiful.

Part of what was beautiful was holding space for these educators to take care of themselves, and part of it was our team. I feel so loved and seen and heard by the Breathe for Change team, and so blessed to be able to bring the practice of yoga -- which absolutely changed my life -- to so many educators.

It was also a hard day in some ways. I realized at the Breathe for Change healthy hour that I felt triggered by something that happened today -- maybe just being in contact with other people who went through what I went through but haven't yet unraveled it. I don't know.

I also felt acutely the lack of coupleness I had going on, with so many others there with romantic partners. I wanted nothing more than to go home and snuggle on the couch with my man, although that would be hard, because I don't have a man.

Cue Al Green here:

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Won't you help me, girl,
Just as soon as you can.
People say that I've found a way,
To make you say,
That you love me.
But baby,
You didn't go for that,
Ha, it's a natural fact,
That I want to come back,
Show me where it's at, baby.

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Won't you help me, girl,
Soon as you can.
I guess you know that I, uh,
I love you so,
Even though,
You don't want me no more,
Hey, hey, hey, hey I'm cryin' tears,
Through the years,
I tell you like it is,
Honey, love me if you can.

Ya baby,
Tired of being alone here by myself, now
I tell ya, I'm tired baby,
I'm tired of being all wrapped up late at night,
In my dreams, nobody but you, baby.
Sometimes I wonder,
If you love me like you say you do,
You see baby, I, I, I, I've been thinking about you,
I've been wanting to get next to you, baby,
Sometimes I hold my arms and I say,
Oh baby, yeah, needing you has proven to me,
To be my greatest dream, yeah

Awh!

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Sometimes late at night I get to wonderin' about you baby,
Baby, baby, ya ya, baby you're my heart's desire

One of these days, I'll be in my heart's desire's arms, I just know it!

You Can't Lose Me

Today I had a pretty profound experience. After two 14 hour Breathe for Change days, I needed a rest, and luckily it was a new moon, so no practice for me this morning.

No sleep, either, or at least, not as much as I would like, but I'm used to that happening with new moons. While up early, I decided to do a guided meditation, and settled on gratitude meditation, which I hadn't done in a long time.

One aspect of the meditation asks you to picture a benefactor, someone who has guided you, and today, my mother came to mind. I must've listened to this 50 times before but never have I ever had my mother come to mind.

I'm thinking this indicates that there has been some healing, and to celebrate that, I'm choosing a country song about Moms (my Mom often played country music when I was growing up):

A little girl, a little small for her age
A little too slow for the field day race
Momma's waiting at the finish line
And wipes the teardrops from her eyes
She says, "You did just fine honey, that's okay
"Sometimes life's just that way
"You're gonna lose the race from time to time
"But you're always gonna find

"You can't lose me
"Bet your life
"I am here and I will always be
"Just a wish away
"Wherever you go
"No matter how far
"My love is where you are
"You won't be lost if you believe
"You can't lose me"

Momma use to say "Girl it won't be long
'"Til it's time to go out on your own
"Chase your dreams find your place in life
"I know you'll do just fine"
When that day finally came
There were things she needed to but could not say
So I whispered softly as I wiped
The tears from Momma's eyes

"You can't lose me
"Bet your life
"I am here and I will always be
"Just a wish away
"Wherever I go
"No matter how far
"My love is where you are
"You won't be lost if you believe
"You can't lose me"

There was a time when I wanted to lose her, both when I was a teenager and as an adult when I was first grappling with my truth about what took place in my childhood home. But that time has passed. I know that one day I will lose her, but I'm glad I haven't had to face that just yet...

People's Parties

In honor of our San Francisco-based Breathe for Change team member's visit to Madison this week, we are doing a yoga tour of Madison. First stop: Dr. Ruddy's Bikram class this morning at Inner Fire.

He's so amazing, and although our teammate had never done Bikram before and was a bit put off by the heat, she totally got what is so great about Dr. Ruddy.

One of his best features is that he always sings to us in savasana, and today he sang us a little Joni Mitchell:

All the people at this party
They've got a lot of style
They've got stamps of many countries
They've got passport smiles
Some are friendly
Some are cutting
Some are watching it from the wings
Some are standing in the center
Giving to get something

Photo beauty gets attention
Then her eye paint's running down
She's got a rose in her teeth
And a lampshade crown
One minute she's so happy
Then she's crying on someone's knee
Saying laughing and crying
You know it's the same release

I told you when I met you
I was crazy
Cry for us all, beauty
Cry for Eddie in the corner
Thinking he's nobody
And Jack behind his joker
And stonecold Grace behind her fan
And me in my frightened silence
Thinking I don't understand

I feel like I'm sleeping
Can you wake me
You seem to have a broader sensibility
I'm just living on nerves and feelings
With a weak and a lazy mind
And coming to peoples parties
Fumbling deaf dumb & blind

I wish I had more sense of humour
Keeping the sadness at bay
Throwing the lightness on these things

Laughing it all away...

One of the things he said in class was the next time your kid does something to incense you, as my daughter did yesterday when she locked me out of my own car in the parking lot of the libraray (and refused to open the door), just say to yourself: "That's interesting."

Yeah, so that's not how I reacted. I beat on the windows. I screamed. And when she finally let me in, I threw shit into the back seat. Definitely reactive. So reactive. Maybe next time, I'll just call it interesting?

Here's hoping...

Open Your Heart

Today was another amazing day as you can see by the incredible blue of the sky behind me -- wow!

It was also amazing in that it involved lots of time outside, heart to hearts with colleagues, a 5 1/2 mile run, a yoga class and a delicious dinner with friends.

One of the subjects of conversation on the run and at dinner was a mutual friend who is going through a divorce and not having an easy time of it. God knows I've been there, and it isn't easy to watch from the sidelines and be supportive but not too involved, especially since I just happen to be warm for this particular divorcee's form.

There's just so many different feelings to deal with when a marriage unravels, and I think it's completely normal to put your heart on lockdown while going through it.

Sing it Human League:

And when it hurts you know they love to tell you
How they warned you
They say "Don't be surprised at someone's lies"
They think they taunt you
But if you can stand the test
You know your worst is better than their best
And so you stand here with the years ahead
Potentially calling
With open heart or with a spirit dead
You walk on

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

Dare to feel
Take the chance
Make the deal
Being an island
Shying from trying
Seems the easy way
Such an easy way
But there's no future without tears

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

But if you can stand the test
You know your worst is better than their best

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

But as for me, my heart is more open than it's probably ever been before, and I just know I'm going to encounter another open heart attached to an attractive package before too long!

Inside Out

Our backyard maple this past weekend - wow!

Today was a phenomenal day. First of all, I know I do go on, but this fall has been so incredible. So warm, so bright, so lovely!

I started my day today practicing Ashtanga with my favorite at-home practice partner. As usual, we had fun and got some yoga in, which is a pretty great combination.

There's no doubt that it's different than my regular practice (and in some respects not as good a practice for me) -- but it's opening me up in other ways that I can already tell are entirely worthwhile.

Then I had a couple of work meetings followed by an hour of playing in the woods on my mountain bike at CamRock.

The scenery there was really different from the last time I visited, which was during the summer, but still really incredible in its own way (almost all the leaves were down out there).

One of the trails at CamRock

When I got home, I had a call to launch a new consulting project (yay money to feed, clothe and shelter my family!) and then settled in to watch the series finale of my latest Netflix indulgence, Gilmore Girls.

The very last scene contained this song, along with a passionate kiss between two of the characters who had been on and off again for a while:

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Thinking, wishing, hoping
that you'll never feel the same again

Lying wide awake at night
Sleeping in the morning light
Doing all these things although
I shouldn't be ashamed of them

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out

Clutching on the last straw
Seeing things I've never saw
Must be time I fell
Down to a place I didn't know too well

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Although I'm starting to break this spell
I know I haven't got a hope in Hell

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out

When you've called it a day
You've had things your own way
I guess it's fair to say
I'm gonna make you pay

(Didn't get a chance
Wished inside
Holding on until you draw the line
One step forward
Two steps back
And you're gone, gone)

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Lying wide awake at night
Sleeping in the morning light

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Just try and stop my world from turning inside out

Happily ever after wasn't so much stated as implied, and that's how I'm feeling about my life (in terms of love and otherwise) right now too:

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out

Talk

Nonviolent Communication works its magic at B4C workshop

This morning I had the honor of helping facilitate the first ever Breathe for Change two hour workshop on Transformation of the Self at a small, local high school.

It was magical, in no small part thanks to the work of Marshall Rosenberg's Center for Nonviolent communication.

What a powerful process! You can visit this website to access all of the resources, but basically the process has four parts:

1) State an observation about something that happened or something someone did or said that affected your life in some way. Do not include judgement about this or how you feel about it.

2) Use the feelings inventory to state how the thing that happened or that was said made you feel, using at least three words from the list.

3) Use the needs inventory to say that you had the feelings you just mentioned based on your need(s) for at least three needs from the needs inventory.

4) Make a specific request that would enrich your life, preferably one that can be answered yes or no.

I practiced this today, along with the other participants, and relearned how powerful it is and how straightforward it can make communicating even about difficult topics.

Today's song, brought to you by Coldplay, is all about the importance of communication:

Oh brother, I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don' know what to do
Oh brother, I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future, and I wanna talk to you
Oh, I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me, how do you feel?
Well, I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Or do something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen, but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk

Yes, let's!

Prairiesong

My kid's in back in white with the mallet

I didn't leave the house today until after 7 pm which is super unusual for me.

I didn't get up for practice, also unusual, going back to sleep instead and waking up three hours later!

Guess I was tired and needed the sleep. I had a productive day overall -- got lots done in my home office with the beautiful view showcased in yesterday's post -- but it was a little lonely.

When I arrived at my son's orchestra concert, I got to briefly check in with my daughter, who was there with a friend, but then I found a seat by myself. I wasn't much enjoying the experience -- didn't necessarily feel worth venturing out on a cold night for -- until my kid took the stage.

Wow! So impressed with my budding percussionist. Thank goodness he didn't get his sense of timing or rhythm from his Mama!

One Day

The view from my living room is incredible right now!

This morning a super cute guy I recently met came over to do yoga with me in my living room -- can't beat the view right now as displayed in the photo.

We have a lot going for us as a duo - for starters he loves practicing Ashtanga and that's definitely one of the ways to my heart. We also laugh a lot when we're together, connect on a heart level, and he gives as good a hug as I do (something I can't say for a lot of people).

But... yes, there is a but. He is not yet divorced, and has yet to find his way through the quagmire that comes with the dissolution of a marriage. In other words, we're in pretty different places in terms of readiness for something real.

Anyway, this morning he told me about the amazing Matisyahu concert he went to last night -- I had never heard of him -- but his music (at least this song) seems pretty cool:

Sometimes I lay
Under the moon
And thank God I'm breathing
Then I pray
Don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around because...

All my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
For the people to say
That we don't wanna fight no more
There will be no more wars
And our children will play
One day
One day
One day
One day
One day
One day

Yes, Matisyahu, one day I will meet a cute guy who enjoys doing Ashtanga with me, makes me laugh, is awesome to talk to, gives great hugs AND is ready for a relationship.

One day...

Almost Lover

Heard this beautiful song today:

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

And I have to admit I felt a little of "enough with the songs about the pain of breakups" -- but there's a reason there are so many songs about it. So much material there. Takes such a long time to sort it all out. I'm just now at the point where I can revisit the writing that I did after the New Englander left more than two years ago now. It's really, really raw, as I was for a long time:

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So now you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

I feel grateful to be at the point now where I can do most things that were too painful to do without him when he left, at least the things that are possible to do alone.

That other stuff -- he was, after all, my all the way lover (and almost husband) -- that just isn't something I've been able to recreate on my own and I've yet to find someone suitable to take his place...

Mr. Know It All

On my way home from practice this morning, this song was playing in the car:

Mr. Know It All
Well ya think you know it all
But ya don't know a thing at all
Ain't it, ain't it something y'all
When somebody tells you something 'bout you
Think that they know you more than you do
So you take it down another pill to swallow

Mr. Bring Me Down
Well ya, ya like to bring me down, don't you?
But I ain't laying down, baby, I ain't goin' down
Can't nobody tell me how it's gonna be
Nobody's gonna make a fool out of me
Baby, you should know that I lead not follow

Oh you think that you know me, know me
That's why I'm leaving you lonely, lonely
'Cause baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me
You ain't got the right to tell me
When and where to go, no right to tell me
Acting like you own me lately
Yeah baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me

And during the chorus, I started to cry. That's right, to this goofy Kelly Clarkson song, specifically that last line. Because there's nothing more tragic, in a breakup, then no longer getting to know the person you loved so dearly and no longer having them know you.

Except, perhaps, the feeling of wasted potential. That's a hard one too...

Hello

I heard this song for the first time yesterday:

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years
You'd like to meet, to go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times to tell you
I'm sorry, for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried to tell you
I'm sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself
I'm sorry, I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town
Where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret
That the both of us are running out of time

So, hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times to tell you
I'm sorry, for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried to tell you
I'm sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Ooooohh, anymore
Ooooohh, anymore
Ooooohh, anymore
Anymore

Dang Adele, you do know how to tug at the heartstrings!

Calling All Angels

Got home this afternoon to a kitchen full of dishes and stuff everywhere. As I tried to summon the energy to tackle it, this song popped into my head:

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I'm going to need some sort of assistance as the days get shorter, it's finally starting to get colder, and I get busier with work commitments.

Took the day off from practice today and I often don't feel as good on those days. The run this afternoon helped, though I'm not running enough to feel really great during the run itself. It helps that I've started running on Fridays with a couple of friends for exactly this reason:

I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up

That's also how I got through those 30 days without chocolate or sweets -- by being accountable to my friend in Boulder who was doing it with me.

Our people are important, that's for sure, but so is letting go and letting forces for good in the unseen help take care of you:

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
Calling all you angels...

Will the Circle Be Unbroken

Mmmmmm mini peanut butter Snickers!

I felt amazing today for a whole bunch of reasons:

1) It was my first day OFF the Whole 30, so I finally got to treat myself to the mini peanut butter Snickers that has been sitting in my glove box for weeks;

2) I just finished a month of eating really well and as a result my body feels amazing;

3) It was yet another gorgeous fall day in Madison;

4) I had a great practice this morning;

5) And last but definitely not least, I had the honor of attending a meeting at the Madison Metropolitan School District Office with Breathe For Change to learn about the district's work with restorative circles and equity, two projects near and dear to my heart. We ended the meeting by saying how grateful we all are to each other for sharing in this work.

It was so damn beautiful. The only thing more beautiful is June Carter Cash and Johnny Cash singing this famous song about circles:

I was standing by the window
On one cold and cloudy day
When I saw the hearse come rolling
For to carry my mother away

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky

I said to the undertaker
Undertaker please drive slow
For this lady you are carrying
Lord I hate to see her go

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky

Oh, I followed close behind her
Tried to hold up and be brave
But I could not hide my sorrow
When they laid her in the grave

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky

I went back home, the home was lonesome
Since my mother, she was gone
All my brothers and sisters crying
What a home so sad and alone

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky

We sang songs of childhood
Hymns of faith that made us strong
Ones that mother maybelle taught us
Hear the angels sing along

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky...