Kansas City

Heard this song on my trip home from Milwaukee yesterday:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

Up super early this morning -- more like middle of the night, really -- I am once again hearing these words (minus the Kansas City bit):

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

And I know the answer. I can't keep singing the same old song. Not anymore. It occurred to me this morning that I have lived this first half (give or take a few years) of my life largely alone. I spent my childhood mostly alone, inside my head, hiding from myself and from everyone I loved the truth about that with which I was living. I had a marriage in which the deeper I went toward myself the further I got from my husband -- not placing blame here -- but it doesn't get much lonelier than that.

And then once I was fully inhabiting mind, body, soul, heart, and I fell in love with the New Englander, I wound up with a man who not only retreated into himself periodically during our relationship but ultimately chose isolation over the vulnerability (and awesomeness) of being with me. During that time, I confused the frequent and fantastic comingling of our bodies as a true comingling of our lives. The latter never really happened.

Oof.

I get it. People are scary. Intimacy is scary. I had to walk the path that I have walked to get to a place in my life where I feel comfortable going down that road -- opening myself up to someone who is really ready to receive me and who has something to give. But that's what I intend to do moving forward:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

Nah, I'm staying right here. But I won't keep singing the same old song...