To Build a Home

Love, love, love when my home contains a fire in the fireplace

I went to a Feng Shui workshop recently, and the leader said that the basement represents our subconscious. She told a story about a woman who paid her husband to go in the basement.  I realized that I had been afraid to go in the basement for the past few years, and relied on my man and my kids to go instead of me as much as I possibly could.

I'm going to overcome this fear. I'm going to wade into my subconscious.

And like The Cinematic Orchestra, I'm going to (re)build a home in more ways than one:

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home
'Cause, I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust
Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
And, I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust

Not just yet. It's still time to work on truly living...

That I Would Be Good

And in this new jacket, I feel good too

I had so much unlearning to do when I embarked on my healing journey, and on the way I've met some powerful teachers who have given me powerful lessons.

Among the most powerful was this message, that I was to repeat to myself when I got other less desirable messages:

I am the essence of pure goodness
My goodness does not depend on my actions or the actions of others

It took a while, but I came to believe this for myself, and to teach this to my kids and my man.

Turns out, Alanis has been working with a similar message:

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

A Long December

One of my students had to leave class early tonight because she had tickets to see The Counting Crows, another of my favorite bands from my college days.

Although this tune wasn't on the album that I had on repeat in the early 90s, it is one that I heard recently and contemplated, in particular, these lyrics:

I guess the winter makes us smile a little slower

Yes, I guess it does. I guess it makes just about everything a little slower, and requires me to be a little braver than when it's warm outside...

Here's the rest of the lyrics:

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean I guess I should
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Love Your Way

Outfit inspired by Peter Frampton

It has been soooooooo long since I've blogged. I've been on lockdown. I haven't been writing. I've barely been listening to music, or singing it.

I think it was Lady Gaga that unlocked it for me. That voice of hers could crack open the tightest vault.

This morning, I was texting with a friend who is sick. I sent her some love, and she texted back: "Love your way too."

I'm thrilled to report that this song started to play on my inner jukebox:

Shadows grow so long before my eyes
And they're moving across the page
Suddenly the day turns into night
Far away from the city
Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday
Wanna be with you night and day

Moon appears to shine and light the sky
With the help of some firefly
Wonder how they have the power to shine, shine, shine
I can see them under the pine
Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, oh
Wanna be with you night and day, oh yeah

Well don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

I can see the sunset in your eyes
Brown and gray, blue besides
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun
I wish I could buy one
Out of season

Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way
Wanna be with you night and day

And just like that, the muse came back.

Welcome back, sweetest heart. I've missed you so!

Shallow

Damnnnnnnnnn, this movie moved me. Wow. What a powerful film.

I was super grateful to get to sit next to my man and take it in. The music was of course one of the most powerful parts of it, and this song, when Lady Gaga comes onstage, is my fave:

Tell me somethin' girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?

I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself longin' for change
And in the bad times I fear myself

Tell me something boy
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?

I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself longing for change
And in the bad times I fear myself

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now

In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now

Wooaaaah
Woaaaaaaaaaaah

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now

In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now

Yes, we are far from the shallow. In nice and deep, where all the juicy stuff is...

You're Somebody Else

Loving the fall sunshine at Devil's Lake

It's been a while since I've heard a (new to me) song on the radio and been immediately taken with it, but this one definitely falls into that category:

I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too
I held the better cards
But every stroke of luck has gotta bleed through
It's gotta bleed through

You held the balance of the time
That only blindly I could read you
But I could read you
It's like you told me
Go forward slowly
It's not a race to the end

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

You were the better part
Of every bit of beating heart that I had
Whatever I had
I finally sat alone
Pitch black, flesh and bone
Couldn't believe that you were gone

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

You were the better part
Of every bit of beating heart that I had
Whatever I had
I finally sat alone
Pitch black, flesh and bone
Couldn't believe that you were gone

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too

I can imagine how I would've felt if I'd heard this song two years ago, when my man still felt, in part, like someone else. I'm grateful for all the parts of him I've been able to see, maybe especially the part that recognized he was deserving of love and came back to claim it for himself...