Joshua Tree

This handsome mug had my heart for most of a decade

I bought myself a speaker. I've been listening to music on it, rather than watching TV on my computer. This is just one of the ways the New Englander influenced my life in a positive way.

It's strange to be here in this house without him or any of his stuff today. All that room in the garage, in the bed.

I'll get used to it. I know I will. I'll even relish it.

And yet, there will always be times when I see a photo, whether on my phone or in my mind, of a time and a place and a love we shared, and it will tug at my heartstrings and knowing me, send some tears down my face.

One of the songs that came on today expresses this sentiment beautifully:

I'm selfish
I always made your problems 'bout me
I can't help it
I wish I had a little empathy for ya
But that night that you told me
That I don't work hard enough
Told me I cracked too much
Ripped me to pieces
And then called it love
Oh and I never handled it like I wanted to
What was I supposed to do?
Knowing that both of us had enough

But when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
And you know I do, when I think of you
Yeah you know I do, when I think of you

You're careless
Always saying things you didn't mean
Took me for granted
Expecting me to find the in-between
But that night that I told you that I wouldn't marry you
Swear I could feel from the floor to the ceiling
Your walls came up
So then I pulled you closer, and you pushed me further
And nothing would matter
We kept getting sadder
And called it love

But when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
'Cause you know I do, when I think of you
Yeah you know I do, when I think of you

I think of New Year's in San Fransisco
Drunk on my roof looking at you
Wrapped up in your coat
So tell me, my dear
What do you think of?
Don't you remember why we fell in love?

Oh, when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
'Cause you know I do, when I think of you, oh baby
Yeah, you know I do, when I think of you
I think of you, I think of you, baby
Are you thinking 'bout me, baby?
I'm thinking 'bout ya

💔

Back Streets

My forever friend (I hope) leaves for NH

It was a day, in some ways, like many others. I made avocado toast. We sat outside on the back patio and ate it.

As this song wafted through the speakers, the New Englander explained how it had affected him when he was a youngster:

One soft infested summer
Me and Terry became friends
Trying in vain to breathe
The fire we was born in
Catching rides to the outskirts
Tying faith between our teeth
Sleeping in that old abandoned beach house
Getting wasted in the heat
And hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets

Slow dancing in the dark
On the beach at Stockton's Wing
Where desperate lovers park
We sat with the last of the Duke Street Kings
Huddled in our cars
Waiting for the bells that ring
In the deep heart of the night
We let loose of everything
To go running on the backstreets
Running on the backstreets
Terry you swore we'd live forever
Taking it on them backstreets together

Endless juke joints and Valentino drag
Where dancers scraped the tears
Up off the streets dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness
Some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seemed
You could hear the whole damn city crying
Blame it on the lies that killed us
Blame it on the truth that ran us down
You can blame it all on me Terry
It don't matter to me now
When the breakdown hit at midnight
There was nothing left to say
But I hated him
And I hated you when you went away

Now laying here in the dark
You're like an angel on my chest
Just another tramp of hearts
Crying tears of faithlessness
Remember all the movies, Terry
We'd go see
Trying to learn how to walk like the heroes
We thought we had to be
Well after all this time
To find we're just like all the rest
Stranded in the park
And forced to confess
To hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets

Except it wasn't a day like many others. It was only kind of like one other day, June 26, 2013, when he moved back to NH the first time. And it wasn't even that much like that.

The feeling was really different this time. The feeling was saying goodbye to the two of us as lovers, to bowing in gratitude for what this time spent together in that way had done for us, and of moving on to a new phase.

We're not sure exactly how it'll work, but we're going to do our best to remember this day...

Where we swore forever friends
On the backstreets until the end

💕

Walk Me Home

Tonight the four of us went to see a movie, Peanut Butter Falcon. It was a big deal, in part because it's super rare that we can get them both to go to the same movie, and in part because it was our last dinner as a family -- at least until the New Englander returns in June 2021 for my daughter's high school graduation.

It was a beautiful evening. Beautiful movie, beautiful dinner, beautiful card and gift and love exchange.

Dinner at Cafe Porta Alba, one of our neighborhood faves

We've been so blessed over the last couple of years, plus the years prior to that when we've spent time with him, to have the New Englander in our family. He's added so much, and we all love him dearly.

So, one more time tonight, we'll do our version of what Pink sings about here -- Ride him home:

There's somethin' in the way you roll your eyes
Takes me back to a better time
When I saw everything is good
But now you're the only thing that's good
Tryna stand up on my own two feet
This conversation ain't coming easily
And darlin', I know it's getting late
So what do you say we leave this place?

Walk me home in the dead of night

So much love and goodness between these three!

I can't be alone with all that's on my mind, mhm
So say you'll stay with me tonight
'Cause there is so much wrong goin' on outside

There's somethin' in the way I wanna cry
That makes me think we'll make it out alive
So come on and show me how we're good
I think that we could do some good, mhm

Walk me home in the dead of night
I can't be alone with all that's on my mind, mhm
So say you'll stay with me tonight
'Cause there is so much wrong goin' on outside

Yes there is. But I feel confident we will be there for one another, even across the miles, because, like the Peanut Butter Falcon reminds us, friends are the family you choose...

Yours And Mine

I'm afraid of pain, both yours and mine, both yours and mine
I'm afraid of pain, from where it comes and where it falls

Well I'm not, and it's a good thing too. So many endings are happening right now:

1) I taught my last yoga class at Pinnacle after 9 years on Tuesday;
2) My 9 year on again, off again relationship is ending on Friday; and
3) Orange is the New Black ended for good.

Of course, number two is by far the biggest deal, though not the origin of today's song. That's brought to you courtesy of OITNB:

Somebody lit the store on fire
Somebody lit the house on fire
Somebody lit the crowd on fire, marching away
And you've got nothing to say
And you've got nothing to say
Have you got nothing to say?

For those of you who told me I should stay indoors
Take care of you and yours, take care of you and yours
But me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine (me and mine)
We've got a long way to go before we get home
'Cause this ain't my home anymore
This ain't my home anymore
This ain't my home

Somebody lit the store on fire
Somebody lit the house on fire
Somebody lit the crowd on fire, marching away
And you've got nothing to say
And you've got nothing to say
Have you got nothing to say?

For those of you who told me I should stay indoors
Take care of you and yours, take care of you and yours
But me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine (me and mine)
We've got a long way to go before we get home
'Cause this ain't my home anymore
This ain't my home anymore
This ain't my home

Take care of you and yours
Take care of you and yours
Take care of you and yours
Take care of you and yours
But me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine (me and mine)
Me and mine

We've got a long way to go before we get home
'Cause this ain't my home anymore
This ain't my home anymore
This ain't my home anymore
This ain't my home anymore

I feel this. Deep inside I feel this. That my home was with the New Englander, and now it's ain't...

Good thing I trust that I have a home inside myself in which to reside - a safe, cozy, protected space - this is an especially good thing since I am also getting ready to sell my house.

Oof! So much transition...

Bad

Gonna miss this guy!

This gorgeous song was running through my head last night and this morning after a pillow-talk convo with the New Englander:

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay, see you walk, walk away
Into the night, and through the rain
Into the half light and through the flame

If I could, through myself, set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light and to the day

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

To let it go and so to fade away
To let it go and so fade away
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake, wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood-shot eyes

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

Because, you see, if he could, I know he would. Make the changes that would make our lives together fulfilling and harmonious. I know he would.

But it doesn't work like that. That's the hard lesson I'm (we're?) learning.

And so we're going about our daily life, which feels almost normal, except for the fact that we are breaking up and he's packing up to move back to New Hampshire.

Which tells me we could've gone on like this forever, or at least a lot longer, allowing the good times to buoy us through the bad. But I feel certain that would be shortchanging both of us, and offering us less than the ease, peace, happiness and fulfillment that is available to each of us:

This desperation, dislocation
Separation, condemnation
Revelation, in temptation
Isolation, desolation
Let it go and so fade away
To let it go, oh yeah, and so fade away
To let it go, oh no, and so to fade away

Yeah U2, we two are gonna let the romance fade away. Here's hoping we can keep the friendship going.

In the meantime, your last few lines are true for me right now too:

I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake
Wide awake, I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

Not for long, most nights these days. My system knows change is afoot...

Waiting For a Girl Like You

This morning I was riding my bike and my inner jukebox started up this number:

So long
I've been looking too hard
I've been waiting too long
Sometimes I don't know what I will find
I only know it's a matter of time
When you love someone
When you love someone

It feels so right, so warm and true
I need to know if you feel it too

Maybe I'm wrong
Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong
This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure

I've been waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life
I've been waiting for a girl like you
A love that will survive
I've been waiting for someone new
To make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life

You're so good
When we make love
It's understood
It's more than a touch or a word we say
Only in dreams could it be this way
When you love someone
Yeah, really love someone

Specifically, the first two lines of this verse was on repeat, and I belted it out as I rode:

Now I know it's right
From the moment I wake up 'til deep in the night

I also sobbbbbbbbbbbed.

Here's the thing though, I did know it was right. The fact that it is coming to an end does not mean that it wasn't right. It means it's not right anymore. That's hard, but somehow it is easier than feeling like what I thought I knew was true wasn't true, which is what I struggled with the last time we broke up.

This is another verse that gets played over and over in my head:

It feels so right, so warm and true
I need to know if you feel it too

I know he did/does.

And it's going to be really hard to give it up.

But I trust we are doing the right thing. I know that it is better to let go than hold on when something deep inside tells me that he's not the right forever partner for me:

This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure...

Thunder Road

Enjoying the gorgeous Lake Michigan shoreline

My man (for a little bit longer) and I had the pleasure of going to Chicago this weekend to spend time with my cousin and his husband.

It's the good life with these guys -- snuggly puppies, good food, good company, beautiful city -- and this time, we even got to take in a great flick.

Blinded by the Light is my favorite movie I've seen in a long time. I wanted to watch it again as soon as it finished. I loved getting to see it with my cousin, too, the person in my family to whom I feel closest.

Doesn't hurt that it features the music of the brilliant, beautiful Bruce Springsteen.

Here's one of many numbers from the film, which was on repeat after the movie for several days:

The screen door slams, Mary's dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey, that's me, and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling, you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but, hey, you're alright
Oh, and that's alright with me

You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero that's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now?
Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back, heaven's waiting down on the tracks
Oh-oh come take my hand
We're riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey, I know it's late, we can make it if we run
Oh, Thunder Road, sit tight, take hold
Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar, and I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely for words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free, all the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road in the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets

They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary, climb in
It's a town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win

Love this song, love this movie, love this city, love this life...

Maybe

I went to see a production of Annie this weekend, because my boss's daughter was cast as Annie. I was excited to see her perform and also to touch back to what was my favorite of all the plays/musicals that my parents took us to when we were kids. I remember going to Indianapolis to see it, absolutely loving it, and singing the songs for years afterward.

Watching the musical, I got particularly teared up when Annie sang this number:

Maybe far away
Or maybe real nearby
He may be pouring her coffee
She may be straighetning his tie
Maybe in a house
All hidden by a hill
She's sitting playing piano
He's sitting paying a bill

Betcha they're young
Betcha they're smart
Bet they collect things
Like ashtrays, and art

Betcha they're good
Why shouldn't they be?
Their one mistake
Was giving up me

So maybe now it's time,
And maybe when I wake
They'll be there calling me baby
Maybe

Betcha he reads
Betcha she sews
Maybe she's made me
A closet of clothes
Maybe they're strict
As straight as a line...
don't really care
As long as they're mine
So maybe now this prayer's
The last one of it's kind...
Won't you please come get your baby

I think the tears were from a little girl inside me that hoped someone would come and get me, or at least that my own parents would come to life and fully embody themselves, and love me like I needed and deserved to be loved...

Maybe

Free Man in Paris

Every once in a while, in the course of watching TV on Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon, I stumble upon a truly brilliant series. The latest example? Girls. That Lena Dunham! Hilarious, unabashed, edgy, and unafraid to confront hard issues.

Tonight's episode featured Lena digging into sexual assault, and she did SUCH a brilliant job with it. My boyfriend and I argued about it, because he wondered whether the man was really wrong to do what he did, and I felt it emphatically true that he was. There was an age difference and a power dynamic -- not a level playing field by any sense of the phrase.

Thank you, Lena, for making people squirm while watching this timeless, ubiquitous, and ultimately destructive practice unfold. This is necessary if, as a society, we're going to stop shaming and blaming victims while making excuses for perpetrators.

Speaking of heroes, the soundtrack to the episode tonight featured a gorgeous song from one of mine:

The way I see it he said
You just can't win it
Everybody's in it for their own gain
You can't please 'em all
There's always somebody calling you down
I do my best and I do good business
There's a lot of people asking for my time
They're trying to get ahead
They're trying to be a good friend of mine

I was a free man in Paris
I felt unfettered and alive
There was nobody calling me up for favours
And no one's future to decide
You know I'd go back there tomorrow
But for the work I've taken on
Stoking the star maker machinery
Behind the popular song

I deal in dreamers
And telephone screamers
Lately I wonder what I do it for
If l had my way
I'd just walk through those doors
And wander down the Champs Elysees
Going café to cabaret
Thinking how I'll feel when I find
That very good friend of mine