Snow

Last night I had a strange but awesome dream. I was up at the top of a mountain at a ski resort, but I wasn't wearing any skis, just boots. I stood at the top of this super icy, mogul run wondering what I was going to do. And then I just started skiing, without skis, so smoothly, so beautifully -- so much more so than the conditions would have allowed even if I had been wearing skis. It was really strange, but also, really incredible.

My interpretation of that dream is that it may not look like I have what I need for life to go smoothly, but I do. The conditions might not look good, but they are, in fact, optimal for me.

For one thing, I've got my love, the original snow-lover, who, when I told him about this bizarre dream, said: "I've had that dream too!"

Yep. We may not be sleeping in the same bed (yet), but our subconsciouses are telling similar stories, and that's gotta be a good sign.

I also have these guys. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and they are the perfect dudes to mark this day:

Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh

When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
When it's killing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to believe that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh, look at what I say oh

The more I see the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
In between the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

Ho!

Went to descend to amend for a friend all the channels that have broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh... listen what I say oh

The more I see, the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah.

Even if we don't have any snow ourselves just yet!

Hide

Love Spotify. Especially now that I'm no longer heartsick. And one reason I love it is it allows me discover amazing artists like this one:

Let your head hang low
Let your eyes fall heavy
you can jump, you won't fall

arms wide open, i'll be ready

Let your ego melt fast
Let your smile stay bright
You can hold my hand a tight knit grip throughout this night

So let me be the roots, you need
Let me help you grow
let me help you succeed
know that you are loved
not just by me
see my heart open wide
so why do you get scared
and why do you hide

Let your doubts crash to pieces
negativity needs releases
but i know, i know, deep in you
you just wanna love, love what you do
but pressure hits you like a plank
and ego wants to fill the bank
but the bank in your heart will always be barren
if you don't start the love
please start the caring

So let me be the roots, you need
Let me help you grow
let me help you succeed
know that you are loved
not just by me
see my heart open wide
so why do you get scared
and why do you hide

why do you hide from love
oh why do you you hide
oh why do you hide
from love
why do you hide

I'm super grateful that hiding from love is a thing of the past for me...

Butterfly Kisses

Me in Berkeley letting my Dad's sadness go

For most of my life, I've been carrying around this profound sadness surrounding my father. The first, and longest to date, phase of it was sadness for him -- worrying about why he was unhappy, feeling sorry for him because of what he went through as a child and/or was going through as an adult. The second phase was sadness for myself (this didn't come until my 30s and my entrance into Alanon) -- at first that I hadn't had a father capable of being emotionally connected, and then that I had a father whose alcoholism wrought the kind of abuse that made accessing real (romantic) love impossible until I had done years of healing work. Most recently, upon visiting his childhood home, I realized there was an additional layer: I was carrying his sadness. I guess because I thought then he wouldn't have to? It hasn't worked that way though, and I know now it doesn't work that way.

So here I am now, 45 years old, on the anniversary of his birth (today), with a nasty cough that one of my healer peeps says is probably related to unexpressed grief, but I don't really feel sadness.

Not even when I listen to a song like this, which used to make me feel so acutely what I've missed out on in this life:

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven,
And she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank god for all of the joy in
My life, but most of all, for

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony
Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny,
Daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her mamma
A little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup,
From ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great
Big world. but I remember

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy,
But if you don't mind,
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Ohhh like the wind, when the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise,
And I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room
Just staring at her,
She asked me what I'm thinking,
And I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over and gave me

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it's just
About time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy?"
"Daddy don't cry"
Oh with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask god for more, man, this is
What love is
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always
Remember
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses

This, to say the least, was not my experience. My sister reminded me the other day that our father once proclaimed how much better his life got when we left home. I mentioned that to my boyfriend the other day, and he said: "It probably did." And I knew he was right -- that this is just the truth of who my father is -- that what he wants is peace and quiet -- not connection with his children. I feel the exact opposite. My connection with my children is the single greatest gift of my life, and I have a pretty great connection with my boyfriend. It's not that something is lacking there, it is that the love between parents and children, at least for me, is the most profound. But it wasn't, it isn't for my father; I realize he was born during a time when the choice to be a parent was seldom made consciously, and if he had been, I don't think I would be here.

And I'm soooo grateful that I'm here. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be present to and connected with my own children. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to fully love a man, heart, soul, mind, body. It may have taken approximately half my life and tens of thousands of hours and dollars, but I'm here. And I'm grateful...

The Book of Love

This song:

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts, some figures and instructions for dancing

But I,
I love it when you read to me.
And you,
You can read me anything.

The book of love has music in it,
In fact that's where music comes from.
Some of it is just transcendental,
Some of it is just really dumb.

But I,
I love it when you sing to me.
And you,
You can sing me anything.

The book of love is long and boring,
And written very long ago.
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes,
And things we're all too young to know.

But I,
I love it when you give me things.
And you,
You ought to give me wedding rings.

I stumbled on it tonight on youtube, and it's so perfect to mark this day for a couple of reasons:

1) I talked to a vedic astrologer today, which absolutely felt like being read to from the book of love. It was so affirming, to hear about me and about my life framed in that way. And she affirmed for me how huge it is that I said yes to my love again, that I am learning to trust, learning to rely on someone other than myself. Yes. I. Am. And it feels damn good. I even got to talk to said love afterward, and revel with him in the fact that the stars agree with our hearts, minds and bodies: We belong together.

2) Also, they started making Gilmore Girls again, and after many years together unmarried, Lorelai tells Luke that they should get married, that they've waited too long already, and it's super beautiful:

And I,
I love it when you give me things.
And you,
You ought to give me wedding rings.
You ought to give me wedding rings.

Here You Come Again

I found this song tonight, kinda by mistake, but yep, it sure does fit what's going on in my life today:

Here you come again
Just when I've begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you've done before
And wrap my heart 'round your little finger

Here you come again
Just when I'm about to make it work without you
You look into my eyes
And lie those pretty lies
And pretty soon I'm wonderin' how I came to doubt you

All you got to do is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you and in a little while
You're messin' up my mind and fillin' up my senses

Here you come again
Lookin' better than a body has a right to
And shakin' me up so that all I really know
Is here you come again
And here I go

All you have to do is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you and in a little while
You're messin' up my mind and fillin' up my senses

Here you come again
Lookin' better than a body has a right to
And shakin' me up so
That all I really know
Is here you come again
And here I go
Here I go
And here I go
And here I go
Here you come again
Here I go
Here I go
And here I go
Here I go

Yep. And I'm gonna let myself go. I'm gonna surrender to it. Because I know, I can feel, how good it is for me...

It's Only

Today was the day my extended family celebrated Thanksgiving. My daughter went, but my son and I stayed home. We spent part of the day hanging out together, and then when his friends came over, I retired to my room for a nap. I'm still sick, so I'm trying to get as much rest as I can.

But at about 6:15pm, when I realized my son was going to be going out, I realized I needed to get myself in motion too. So I went to a yoga class at a nearby studio, where the instructor played this song:

I heard the news today;
That you’re not mine to keep.
Don’t struggle too much now
While I kill you in your sleep.

What is lust if it’s not being by yourself?
I won’t be gentle to the body on the shelf

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only red.

I heard the news today,
That you weren’t mine to save
I hope that you’re comfortable
In the quiet lasting grave

What is lust if it’s not being by yourself?
I won’t be gentle to the body on the shelf.

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only dead

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only dead

And it just fit how I was feeling, in a sad, morbid kind of way. The old me is dead -- the one that was willing to pretend and put on a show to make people think everything's alright in my family of origin...

All We Ever Knew

So I've got this cough. It's quite impressive, really: It feels like I'm going to swallow my own tongue when I get going on a coughing jag. Really unpleasant.

This morning I looked up what my pal Louise Hay says about having a cough. I knew it would be fifth chakra related, and lo and behold, it is: Coughs are associated with a deep need to make a point.

And that fits. Because I do, in fact, have a deep need to make a point.

As I wrote about in this post-election post, I am deeply troubled by so many American's willingness to sweep Donald Trump's sexual assaults under the rug and cast a vote for him anyway. I reckon this hit me so hard because of the nature of my own trauma and my family's desire to sweep it under the rug too. My whole life, including the part where I was conscious of the abuse and all the time that came before (which was thirty some years), I have been more concerned with my father's well-being than my own. Even when I confronted my parents the first time, I was really worried about that, and my actions afterward have vacillated between trying to live in my truth and trying to please or placate.

As a result, I've been stuck in this place with my parents where I feel no genuine emotion - just a sense of going through the motions. The only genuine emotion I feel for them is related to my kids. I love that my kids love their grandparents. I knew that was possible, and important, because my parents had strained relationships with three of their four (collective) parents, but I adored them, especially my Father's parents. It's this knowledge that propelled me to work through my trauma to the extent that I have.

I dropped out of my trauma recovery group partway through. I felt that there was too much emphasis on the misogynistic nature of our culture, too much attention given to the misdeeds of the perpetrator, too much wallowing in self-pity because we've all been through these big traumas.

And then, Trump was elected over Clinton. And I realized that my trauma recovery instructor was right. Is right. It's as bad as she says and then some.

I also continued reading a book I've been picking up and putting down for years: The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting. And one of the things it said was you will never do your parents any good by having a relationship with them based on shoulds. I should love them, because they are my mom and dad. I should appreciate what they have done for me. Nope. Maybe I will come around to that, to either of those, once I finally let it be known what their particular brand of parenting did: it left me with only a shadow of myself.

Now I'm reading another book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#(k, whose author would say that their parenting may be their fault, but it's my responsibility to deal with its effects.

I completely agree. And that's what I'm finally doing. By letting my parents know exactly what those effects are, by letting them know that I no longer intend to abide or enable a culture of denial, by finally worrying more about how I feel about it all than how my father (or mother) feels.

It's not easy. I don't want to cause my parents pain. But that's the thing: I didn't cause it. It's there, in their twin lifelong struggles with depression. I'm just naming it. And in my experience, naming something can lead to relief.

But that's out of my control. All I can do is admit that all we ever knew, as a family, was fatally flawed. What passed as love was something much less spacious, and forgiving, and nurturing, and life-affirming.

It's super fitting that the song for today is by a band called The Head and the Heart:

When I wake up in the morning
I see nothing
For miles and miles and miles
When I sleep in the evening
Oh Lord
There she goes
Only in dreams, she's only in dreams

Well, well my love
We've been here before
Don't drag me through this again
We've tried everything under the sun
Now I'm trying to wake up from this
I'm trying to make up for it

All we ever do
Is all we ever knew

I know that in my Father's body, the head and the heart are separate. I believe the same is true of my Grandfather's. And I know that in my life, mine were separate for a long, long time, and still revert to that separation when frightened, because that's how I found safety as a child. By leaving my heart, and the rest of my body, and just existing in my head.

It's all we ever knew, Dad, until I learned so much more. And now I can genuinely say that I hope you too will experience the integration of your head and your heart in this lifetime, but whether you do or not, is up to you:

You don't see why your world has no love to give
Well, what goes around comes around
I know sometimes you get so caught in a dream
But now it's time to wake up from this
It's time to make up for it

It's time to wake up from this
Yes it's time to wake up from this
It's time to make up for it

All we ever do
Is all we ever knew

(La la la la la la...)

I'm feelin' low, feelin' high
Feelin' down, why isn't this enough?

I'm feelin' low, feelin' high
Feelin' down, why isn't this enough?

All we ever do
Is all we ever knew
All we ever do

I'm only in charge of me, and of my children. And I know, from the deepest regions of mind, heart, body and soul, that:

It's time to wake up from this

(La la la la la la...)

When I See You Smile

Now I know I said Heart was cheesy, but Bad English? They're in a different league:

Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

Actually I do have a clue. In fact, I know just how I'd make it through this world without having my love, but now, I don't have to:

'Cause sometimes it seems like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up, wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright, everything's alright

When I see you smile, I can face the world
Oh, oh
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile, I see a ray of light
Oh, oh

I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me
Oh, yeah

I got to "see" him, for the first time in, I don't know, a long time, on FaceTime tonight. It was sooooooooooo good to see him, in so many ways:

Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew
Hay

Even if it's going to be a few more weeks before I get to actually feel the touch of his hand, and a few more months until he's really here with me now for good:

And when the rain is falling, I don't feel it
'Cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need, all I'll ever need

Yep. So for now, it's enough that all these cheesy love songs, that were so sad for me for so long, are no longer sad. It was so confusing for a while there, because I had found my person, I knew in my heart and in my bones that I had, but then, impossibly he left. Had my heart, and my bones, been wrong? I knew that they weren't, but I didn't know how to reconcile what was happening with how I felt:

Sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at you baby
And everything's alright
Hay, everything's alright
It's alright

It's alright. Yeah it is...

Magic Man

On my way to yoga tonight, I heard this song:

Cold late night so long ago
When I was not so strong you know
A pretty man came to me
Never seen eyes so blue
I could not run away
It seemed we'd seen each other in a dream
It seemed like he knew me
He looked right through me
"Come on home, girl" he said with a smile
"You don't have to love me yet
Let's get high awhile
But try to understand
Try to understand
Try try try to understand
I'm a magic man."

I've always been a sucker for Heart. They are super cheesy, but they own it, and I respect that.

I'm not super sure what this song means, exactly:

Winter nights we sang in tune
Played inside the months of moon
Never think of never
Let this spell last forever
Summer over passed to fall
Tried to realized it all
Mama says she's a worried
Growing up in a hurry

"Come on home, girl" mama cried on the phone
"Too soon to lose my baby yet my girl should be at home!"
"But try to understand, try to understand
Try try try to understand
He's a magic man, mama
He's a magic man"

But I can say that when I heard it, I thought, yep, he's a magic man alright. And now he's my magic man. Again. Well, sort of again, but this time, for reals...

I Can't Go For That

I was lucky enough to get to practice yoga with this bright light both yesterday and today. There are so many reasons I love practicing with him: The depth of the bhakti in his teaching, the beautiful way he communicates and shares it, his playfulness, his humor, his joie de vivre, his mad skills...

Oh, and sometimes, the songs on his playlist, like this one that I got to hear yesterday and today:

Easy, ready, willing, overtime
Where does it stop
Where do you dare me
To draw the line
You've got the body
Now you want my soul
Don't even think about it
Say, no go
I, I-I, I 'll do anything
That you want me to do
Yeah, I, I-I, I'll do almost anything
That you want me too, ooh
Yeah

But I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that
Can't go for that
Can't go for that
Can't go for that

I can go for being twice as nice
I can go for just repeating
The same old lines
Use the body
Now you want my soul
Ooh, forget about it
Now say, no go

And he made some comment about how my heartbeat was this song, and I guess it kinda is. Because one of the things I found, in the New Englander's absence, is my own limits. And I reckon we're going to have an easier time navigating life when I don't continually go outside of myself and beyond them:

I, I-I, I 'll do anything
That you want me to do
Yeah, I, I-I, I'll do almost anything
That you want me too, ooh
Yeah

But I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that
Can't go for that
Can't go for that
Can't go for that, yeah

Yeah. And also, while searching to see which Hall and Oates' songs I'd already used, I found this one, which has been on repeat in my head ever since. PS to that post: you're not such a mystery after all, man who's making my dreams come true!

Carry On

Heard this song on my way home from day number two of great Ashtanga practices with a gifted teacher and awesome Autumnal mountain bike rides at CamRock:

And after all's been said and done
Who said it best, were you the one?
Let's just forget, leave it behind
And carry on

If you should find the time to speak
Then speak to me, I'd never keep
You from your final destiny
So carry on

Into the quiet I am bound
What you have lost, I've never found
I lost my nerve, yet peace surrounds
So carry on

It's a beautiful song, in that distinctly Norah Jones way that her songs are beautiful, and it feels apropos of what the New Englander and I have decided to do:

And now that all's been said and done
Who said it best, were you the one?
Let's just forget, leave it behind
And carry on
Let's just forget, leave it behind
And carry on

We've decided to carry on with our love, and leave behind the years where things for the two of us didn't quite line up based on what we both brought to the relationship when we met.

It's a complicated history, to be sure, but it feels anything but complicated to me right now. It feels like everything's lining up the way my heart, mind, body and soul has been hoping it would!

Famous Blue Raincoat

Ok, so it's going to take more than one post to sufficiently mark Leonard Cohen's passing.

This, I determined, while listening last night to his greatest hits, one of which was this beauty:

It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.
I hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
You're living for nothing now, I hope you're keeping some kind of record.

Yes, and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
You'd been to the station to meet every train
And you came home without Lili Marlene

And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife.

Well I see you there with the rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well I see Jane's awake --

She sends her regards.

And what can I tell you my brother, my killer
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way.

If you ever come by here, for Jane or for me
Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

Yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried.

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear --

Sincerely, L. Cohen

Wow. Just wow. My favorite of all those incredible lines is:

Yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried.

I had that experience once, where a man took some of the trouble from my eyes. I wrote about it in this post, which sure feels apropos now that it looks like I might just get to spend a lifetime (at least what's left of it) with the New Englander after all.

I totally get why my friends and likely my therapist will react with concern to me opening myself up for the potential for more pain. I really do. But here's the thing: I love him. He loves me. It would've been great if we could've gotten the job done the first time, both of us ready to enter into a relationship in proportion to what our hearts knew about each other, but that's not the way it went down. It feels like things have really shifted now. I won't know for sure, of course, until we try it again and it sticks this time, or doesn't. Luckily, I trust myself enough to follow the guidance, to read the signs, to stay open and honest with myself about what is happening between us. And that guidance is clear: Here is this man who is crazy about you and who you are crazy about back in your life. Open to it. Choose love. It's so much nicer than the alternative...

Hey That's No Way To Say Goodbye

Yesterday my ex-husband texted me to tell me Leonard Cohen had died, which makes sense since he was the one who introduced me to his music. And I adore a lot of his music, which makes choosing a song to mark his passing more challenging than it would be if he hadn't written so many remarkable songs.

So I started by doing a search of my blog to see which songs I'd written about already, and I was a little disheartened to find not one, not two, but three LC songs used to chronicle the uncertainty and sadness that I was feeling at various points about my relationship with The New Englander:

Closing Time in December of 2012: I'd just closed on the house I've now lived in for four years and thought he'd live in with me, and I was lamenting that I didn't yet know if he would be moving in (he didn't).

Anthem in March of 2014: After learning that he decided it was a mistake to leave Wisconsin, we began making plans for him to return and talked about all we had learned and why it would be different this time around -- that return didn't happen.

If It Be Your Will in January of 2015: I was feeling sad about losing him and hoping that my heart would be stretched by the loss and I'd go on to love again.

And now here I am again, only this time Leonard Cohen is dead, and I'm doing my best to follow my heart, which seems to be saying something like what the poet describes in this song:

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but now it's come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.
I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

That seems to be our current consensus. That we still love each other. That we're not ready to say goodbye. Revisiting the past, as I did inadvertently while creating this post, there are all sorts of reasons to worry that it won't work. And I'm keeping all of them in my awareness, but I'm not going to let them dictate the present (or the future)...

No One's Gonna Love You

This morning on my bike ride to work -- on yet another breathtakingly beautiful Fall morning -- this song started playing in my head:

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

Maybe it's because Band of Horses is playing at the Orpheum this weekend, but I reckon it is more likely because I once said something similar to the New Englander before he left. I didn't quite say no one's gonna love you more than I do, but I did say: "If anyone ever loves you again the way I love you, do us all a favor, and don't walk away from it." And I remember him tearfully replying in the affirmative.

Back in March, I wrote him a letter saying that I didn't want to be in contact with him unless he decided that he is all in, in a way beyond the extent he was in before: Ready to be vulnerable.

Then last week Monday, I went to a Reiki session, in which I set the intention to open to the support that is available to me. (I've been feeling pretty alone with some challenging parenting and life stuff.) The next day, I got an email from the New Englander, which turned into another email, and a letter, all of which added up to him being all in, wanting to get back together, wanting to come back.

I cried when I read them (big shocker) -- partly with relief that what I knew to be true had been confirmed -- and partly with fear of opening myself up to the potential for the kind of heartbreak I experienced before:

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

So hard. I don't have to make a decision today, so I won't. I'm just going to sit with the mix of knowledge that the two of us share a powerful love and there were some major ways in which it didn't work before -- what is there to suggest it would be different this time? I'm still gathering evidence on that, while listening to my heart:

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

...which is one hell of a lot...

Roar

Roar is all I can do right now. I am so incredibly angry and disappointed that a brilliant, tireless public servant can lose an election to a confirmed racist, xenophobe, sexist, misogynist, inexperienced tyrant. It is so hard to believe that this country could really choose Trump over Clinton.

In between roars, I remind myself that if I believe that love trumps hate, and I do, that means more love is needed now than ever. I keep reminding myself what the Buddha said: "Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is an ancient and eternal law."

It's gonna take a lot of love to heal these wounds.

It doesn't help at all for me to have Clinton's concession speech be anything other than speaking truth to power -- and that's what I believe is called for in times like this. Instead she spouts bullshit about how all the young girls listening should never doubt that they can achieve their dreams.

Really? I beg to differ. I think a more accurate statement is that if you are a woman, you will very likely have to fight harder your whole life, still get less and fall short of achieving your dreams so long as there is a man around to take it away from you.

What gets to me the most, though, isn't wage disparity or people not voting for women because they are afraid it will make America appear weak (and I heard someone on NPR saying just that). That's upsetting enough. But what really gets me is that a man of whom America has seen a video of him saying that he has the license to grab a woman by the pussy without even asking -- that he is somehow the choice to be the leader of the free world.

I don't f$%^ing get it.

So I'll just roar, along with my friend Katy Perry:

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sit quietly, agree politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You're gonna hear me roar

Now I'm floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

(You're gonna hear me roar)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

(You'll hear me roar)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You're gonna hear me roar...

Yep. I'm pretty sure you just did...