Wayside/Back in Time

S'mores over a campfire at Lake Kegonsa this afternoon

My kids and I had planned to go camping this weekend, but we weren't able to go because of the rain.

Since the park we were planning to visit is so close by, we decided to go out there today to do a little lakeside grilling and some recon on campsites for next time.

Although the trip was not without its usual siblings-not-100%-loving-each-other moments, we mostly had a great time. I'm really sad to see this summer go. It has been so nice having the extra time this year to hang out with my kids. I feel so lucky and grateful to have had it.

Speaking of, this morning my friend Gillian Welch belted this number out of the ipod player in my bedroom as we were getting ready for our mini-adventure:

Wasted on the wayside
Wasted on the way
If I don’t go tomorrow
You know I’m gone today

Back, baby, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine
Back, baby, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine

And it made me think about the fact that over the past year since I've seen the New Englander, or the past two years since he moved away, I've felt this way soooooooooo many times:

Peaches in the summertime
Apples in the fall
If I can’t have you all the time
I won’t have none at all

And as a result, I haven't had anyone else:

Back, baby, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine
Back, baby, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine

But now I'm just plain tired of it. I've got to move on. I just have to. Enough is enough.

Of course, there will always be reminders...

There are songs:

Hard weather, drivin’ slow
Buggies and the hats in town for the show
Oh darlin', the songs they played
All I got left is the love we made

And there are camping related activities, which make all of us think about him.

But he's not here. And he doesn't appear to be coming back, so I'm just gonna have to stop, as I said in my post the other day, indulging the well-worn neural pathway that is thinking about him:

Back, baby, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine
Back, baby, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine

Shake It Off

What an awesome morning! I got to watch my son's first-ever cross country meet, which as a former cross country runner myself, was a dream come true for me!

I'm so proud of his resilience: shortly after being one of 39 kids cut from the JV soccer team, he made the decision to join Cross Country. And then, after only one week of practice, he competed in this first meet. Wow!

On the way home in the car, my kids and I were having fun with some of the goofy music we found on the radio, including this song, which feels pretty apropos:

But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

I never miss a beat
I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
That's what they don't see, mmm-mmm...

Where You Lead

Walking down the driveway today, I heard this song on the inner ipod:

Wanting you the way I do
I only want to be with you
And I would go to the ends of the earth
'Cause, darling, to me that's what you're worth

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

I think it came on because I just started watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix, and it's the theme song. Hearing it in my head made me think of the time a friend (at least to me he was just a friend) from high school who told me he didn't care where I wanted to live, he just wanted to be with me.

And then I couldn't help but think of the contrast between that and the New Englander. One of these days I'm gonna find both -- a man who loves me enough to commit to living life with me wherever I am and a man whom I love just as much.

If you're out on the road
Feeling lonely and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there on the next train

It's incredible to me how often my thoughts turn to the New Englander. For a long time I thought of this as my inner knowing that he is the right person for me even if he isn't managing to show up for us. I'm starting to consider that it might be more like some sort of addiction, and I've started telling myself when I catch myself going there that I deserve someone who will show up in love the way I showed up for him.

I'm hoping this shift in my thinking will get me off this dead-end loop and onto something with more possibility for a happy ending:

I always wanted a real home with flowers on the window sill
But if you want to live in New York City, honey, you know I will
I never thought I could get satisfaction from just one man
But, if anyone could keep me happy, you're the one who can

And where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead...

We've Only Just Begun

Three of the major forces behind Breathe for Change

About five years ago, I wanted to launch a non-profit to bring yoga to teachers in schools. I started by teaching yoga once a week to teachers after school, but then life at the time took over and I wound up getting a full time job at the Capitol.

Fast forward five years: the dream is happening!

Today the three babes pictured above launched our program at Madison's largest elementary school and it was so well received!

It just feels awesome to be walking into schools with the intention to love and support teachers, administrators, students and communities, and like the Carpenters sing, we've only just begun:

We've only just begun to live,
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way.
We've just begun.

Before the rising sun we fly,
So many roads to choose
We start out walking and learn to run.
And yes, We've just begun.

Sharing horizons that are new to us,
Watching the signs along the way,
Talking it over just the two of us,
Working together day to day
Together.

And when the evening comes we smile,
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow,
And yes, We've just begun.

We have found a place where there's room to grow, and it's called Breathe for Change!

Tougher Than The Rest

Big hands I know you're the one!

This morning my ipod dialed up this beautiful number from the Boss:

Well It's Saturday night
You're all dressed up in blue
I been watching you awhile
Maybe you been watching me too
So somebody ran out
Left somebody's heart in a mess
Well if you're looking for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Some girls they want a handsome Dan
Or some good-lookin' Joe
On their arm some girls like a sweet-talkin' Romeo
Well 'round here baby
I learned you get what you can get
So if you're rough enough for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

The road is dark
And it's a thin thin line
But I want you to know I'll walk it for you any time
Maybe your other boyfriends
Couldn't pass the test
Well if you're rough and ready for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Well it ain't no secret
I've been around a time or two
Well I don't know baby maybe you've been around too
Well there's another dance
All you gotta do is say yes
And if you're rough and ready for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest
If you're rough enough for love
Baby I'm tougher than the rest

Me too, Bruce. I feel like I am one of the tougher ones.

Yesterday on my bike in the woods, I scraped my shoulder on a tree.

No big deal -- you can barely see the wound -- but I had to laugh when I told my daughter about it and she said: "That's exactly why I don't like mountain biking."

I get that there are a lot of people who wouldn't like it for the reason that I often emerge from the woods a little scraped up.

Me? It makes me feel like a badass.

In other words, it helps me be in my power. And I'm all for any activity that meets that criteria!

Truth and Honesty

I think I've written before about the problems I've had with my right knee. It was really hurting for a while, to the extent that I could not even sit cross-legged, which was a real drag. It's getting better now, but it still hurts from time to time.

Yesterday after one of my yoga classes, the teacher began saying what he always says at the end of class: "Hands to the third eye to know the truth" -- and as I did that, I felt a sharp pang in my knee. Hmmm, I thought to myself, there is something I know (and am perhaps refusing to acknowledge?) that is related to what's going on in my knee.

And then this morning, during a meditation class, the teacher said:

"When you take just one single step toward the truth, the truth takes a thousand steps toward you."

So beautiful. And as my friend said after class, "I really hope that is true!"

As do I. I'm still trying to figure out what taking a step toward the truth looks like, although I think that's what I've been doing.

Here's what Aretha has to say on the subject:

I would like to see a show of hands
Nothin' concealed, roll up your sleeve
Nothin' up my sleeve except my heart
And I believe we've come apart

I would like to see you play your cards
Reveal your hands and show your heart
Maybe we could get it back

With truth and honesty that's what we need to hold on
To the good stuff we believe in
Before we land up loose and sad and free
Before we find that it's gone
We could pull it back together, truth and honesty
Open up your hands, show me your heart

Let's stay up till dawn and talk it out
Nothin' concealed, no alibi, retunin' to light
Before we start, then all we do is fall apart
If I can see the sunlight in your eyes

Then maybe we all could shine, yeah
Maybe we could get it back, oh baby, yeah baby

Truth and honesty, you know what we need, sure enough within
To the good stuff, the good stuff baby
You got to be real, you got to be real, you got to be sugar
To the good stuff we believe in, you got to, you got to...

Yep, you've got to be real. And for me today that meant returning to CamRock for some more fun riding after my many yoga and meditation practices this morning, and then sucking it up and cleaning my basement (with the help of a friend) this afternoon/evening.

As a result, I had another killer day in my body, my ex-boyfriend's bed is gone, the couch where mice were nesting is gone, the dead mice are gone, and I sent an email to a contractor about the possibility of replacing the ceiling where they are so clearly living.

I'm gonna keep working on taking steps toward the truth, but I think that dealing with what scares me -- e.g. mice in my basement, letting go of what's left in my life of the New Englander -- is a good step in that direction...

Uptown Girl

This morning I started my day with a couple of yoga classes at Perennial and then headed out to CamRock to mountain bike. I hadn't been out there for a while -- I've been making do with laps at Quarry Ridge most of the summer -- and it felt good to ride some longer trails with some different challenges.

Afterward I took a bath and then a nap - my favorite post ride activities (at least now that I'm solo) -- and then roused myself to meet a friend at Sundance for a movie. We saw Trainwreck, the new Judd Apatow movie, and I thought it was awesome entertainment. I cried -- and I love a good cry -- both because I was moved and from laughing so hard.

Today's selection is from the soundtrack -- it's the song that the main character's somewhat dorky doctor boyfriend always plays in the operating room:

Uptown girl
She's been living in her uptown world
I bet she never had a backstreet guy
I bet her mama never told her why

I'm gonna try for an uptown girl
She's been living in her white bred world
As long as anyone with hot blood can
And now she's looking for a downtown man
That's what I am

And when she knows what
She wants from her time
And when she wakes up
And makes up her mind

She'll see I'm not so tough
Just because
I'm in love with an uptown girl

You know I've seen her in her uptown world
She's getting tired of her high class toys
And all her presents from her uptown boys
She's got a choice

Uptown girl
You know I can't afford to buy her pearls
But maybe someday when my ship comes in
She'll understand what kind of guy I've been
And then I'll win

And when she's walking
She's looking so fine
And when she's talking
She'll say that she's mine

And just like in Billy Joel's lyrics, the lovers in the movie end up together. I'm glad it works out in the movies, because it doesn't seem to work out that way very often in real life. The friend with whom I saw the movie is going through a break up -- one she instigated -- and struggling with her decision.

She said that she had never been in the situation before when you really love someone but love isn't enough. I warned her that what I was about to say was informed by my own experience with love, and then I told her that I thought that was crap. The problems she described were about her difficulties maintaining a sense of herself in the relationship -- and I get that that is a challenge -- god knows it was in my last relationship. But the answer, if you ask me, if her love is of the same mind, body, soul magnitude as mine for the New Englander, is not to break up. It's to work that shit out together.

I can't know what is right for her, but I can know that I do not believe in walking away from a great love. I can't control his choices, but I can know that I would not and will not make the same decision the next time I'm in his shoes, or my friend's shoes, or anyone else's who has found a great love and walked away because of not being able to deal with their own shit...

Promise

Today was a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally. No practice this morning, so that may in part explain it. Last day of tryouts for my son, that may be part of it too. When I got home from dropping him off, I argued with my daughter a bit and decided I needed to have a seat on my meditation cushion and see what showed up.

I know the point of meditation is not to think, but thoughts come: that's what they do. And the thought that came as I sat down was of the day five years ago that my first love and I got to revisit the summer camp where we met. It was such an incredible day, and when he and I were chatting this week over Whatsapp, we both recalled how perfectly delightful that day was for both of us.

And then I tried to let go of that thought. And then I succeeded. Sort of. Because the one that came next came not with a peaceful feeling, but with a flood of tears: I found myself trying to think of a day like that with the New Englander that would let me touch the goodness without all the sadness, but it wasn't possible. I thought of the first full day we spent together, and all I could do was cry. Although it was a beautiful day, that's not what I feel when I recall it; I just feel sadness and loss.

I'm at the point now with myself that I no longer wish to be feeling differently than I am. So I let myself feel sad, and afterward, as I went about my day, I felt less grumpy.

Later in the day, riding home on the beautiful path along the lake, my thoughts turned to the tears shed earlier in the day and why it still feels so sad. I think it's something about the promise I felt on that day and on so many days with him. It's hard when something promising slips through your hands. Really fucking hard.

Facebook didn't help by providing me with a flashback to the photo taken on this day last year, when the kids and I were camping with the New Englander in Maine at Acadia. That's probably another reason the sadness is more prominent today.

When I got home, I decided to watch a movie on Netflix. Without too much searching, I found If I Stay, which I hadn't seen when it was in the theaters but was curious about it.

Wouldn't you know it? This movie opened up still more grief about the promise of my last love, in the form of this aptly titled song:

And meet me there, bundles of flowers,
We wait through the hours of cold
Winter shall howl at the walls,
Tearing down doors of time.

Shelter as we go...

And promise me this:
You’ll wait for me only,
Scared of the lonely arms.

Surface, far below these words

And maybe, just maybe I’ll come home

Who am I, darling to you?
Who am I?
Gonna tell you stories of mine
Who am I?

Who am I, darling for you?
Who am I?
Gonna be a burden in time, lonely
Who am I, to you?

Who am I, darling for you?
Who am I?
Going to be a burden

Who am I, darling to you?
Who am I?

And in this line:

You're supposed to break up with somebody because you're not in love with him not because you're completely in love with him.

I wasn't 18 (like the character in the movie), but I found myself puzzled by this in my breakup too.

I don't get it. I may never get it. And I don't know how long it will take to get over it. How many more days, weeks, months or years will it be before the main thing I feel when I remember my time with the New Englander is something other than a feeling of grief and loss? I don't know.

But I know that the time will come, and I know that in the meantime, I'm fully capable of being and feeling where I am and what I feel today...

No Diggity

Give a girl who loves a bargain a month of unlimited yoga, and what does she do? Goes to as many classes as she can so that she gets the lowest possible per class rate. So that's a factor, but I also really like this place.

I went to the same teacher today, and I decided to communicate with my first love about the fact that there is an American version of him (he is British) who lives in Madison and teaches yoga (two qualities that would be awesome for me to find in a man). He responded by saying he'd been looking at houses in the town where we used to work at a summer camp. Which is pretty silly, given that he is married and lives in England, but we all (or many of us) need a fantasy to get us through the hard times.

Speaking of hard times, I had coffee with my friend after practice today, and I was explaining my aversion to my basement and how problematic that is at this point. I was saying how it was getting worse, the amount that I hated to go down there, and then I realized that the New Englander's bed is still down there.

"Oh that's gotta go!" my friend said. Methinks she is right.

This song was on the playlist at class today, which brought me back:

I like the way you work it (no diggity)
I got to bag it up
I like the way you work it (no diggity)
I got to bag it up (bag it up girl)
I like the way you work it (no diggity)
I got to bag it up (bag it up)
I like the way you work it (no diggity)
I got to bag it up

And it also reminded me of what I have to do this weekend: Clean my basement. Get rid of that bed. Bag it up and let it go...

You've Got Me Wrapped Around Your Little Finger

Went to yoga again tonight with the same teacher, only this time I started off with a Yin class and then went to one with the teacher I described in yesterday's post.

During both classes, there was a little friend sitting on the ledge, peering into the studio. I wish I had a photo of this little toad, but by the time I was done with both classes, he'd hopped away.

When I got home, I looked up toads as animal totems to see what message he might have for me, and this is what I found:

Inner Strength, Luck

The appearance of a Toad heralds a successful time of drawing upon
and using our inner resources.
Toads are associated with money and luck –
especially changing your luck from bad to good.
People with a Toad totem can see things and people more clearly.

A Toad heralds the need for self-examination.
Ask these questions:
Am I hesitating to act and missing opportunities?
Am I allowing fear to hinder progress?
Have I forgotten my inner strength?

A Toad totem is a representation of the Moon, and represents both Life and Death.
In alchemy, the Toad signifies the dark side of Nature.
In the ancient cultures of Mexico, the Toad symbolized the Earth.

Sounds like the little guy was bringing me good luck -- love it!

I heard this song today, and although I'm not currently wrapped around anyone's little finger or kissing anyone, it's lovely to think about a time when I will be again:

You've got me wrapped around your little finger
If this is Love, it's everything i hoped it would be
You've got me wrapped around your little finger
You will see, By my words just how much you mean to me

When we kiss, It's as if our lips agree
that we were meant to be
When we touch, It's too much
Oh the sparks that fly, Are lighting up the sky

You've got me wrapped around your little finger
If this is Love, it's everything i hoped it would be
You've got me wrapped around your little finger
If this is Love, It's everything that i've been dreaming of

My God is Real

There are times in my life that it seems to be a good idea to supplement my Ashtanga practice with more yoga, and this seems to be one of those times. So I signed up for a month at Perennial, a beautiful studio where some of my friends teach and some others practice.

Today I went to a lovely class with a really amazing teacher. He looks a little like my first love does these days -- he's black and a little bit chubby -- and gives cues with more fluidity than any other teacher I've experienced.

At the end of the class, this song came on:

There are some things I may not know there are some places I can't go
But I am sure of this one thing my God is real for I can feel him in my soul
My god is real real in my soul my God is real for he has washed and made me whole
His love for me is like pure gold my God is real for I can feel him in my soul

Some folks may doubt some folks may scorn
Well they can all go on just leave me alone
But ask for me I'll take God's part my God is real for I can feel him in my heart
My god is real real...

Which seemed pretty perfect. I love this way of knowing something is true: Feeling it in your soul. Feeling it in your heart. I'm so glad to be part of the tribe that accepts this as truth. It has opened up an entirely new world for me, a world which I'm so grateful to be a part...

One Last Breath

This has been such a phenomenally gorgeous summer. Lovely and warm, but not hot. Cool nights that are great for sleeping. It's been magical.

This week though, probably appropriately since it is, after all, August, it actually did get hot. As I prepared to pick up my two-nights-overnight river camper, I pondered whether I had time to run around the lake as well as whether it was wise on such a hot day.

My son really didn't want to go on this two-night river excursion, and I talked to him about how I felt it was important he go anyway so that he would know he could do it and feel a sense of personal agency. As I pondered how to use the hour before I needed to pick him up, I decide to practice what I preach and go for this run even if it was gonna kind of suck because it was so hot.

And it kind of did, but I made it, and I even ran faster than the last few times I've done the same 6 mile loop.

That made me feel great -- and songs like this one kept me going:

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe

Actually, Creed, I'm trying not to hold on too tight to anything. And I'm finding, for the most part, that I'm not falling, and I don't need anyone to catch me...

Cecilia and the Satellite

At APT flanked by my parents and one of their friends

I've been running more again -- yesterday I did another lap around the Arboretum -- and I've been loving the fact that my legs have not even been sore after running six miles. All that biking makes for strong legs!

Speaking of biking, my road bike is in the shop, so I rode my mountain bike downtown today. After practice, I took a quick shower and then went out to my bike to hop on it and ride to my 11:00 am meeting.

Only I couldn't ride anywhere because I had a flat! Dang. Luckily someone was able to give me a ride to my meeting, and someone from my next meeting was able to give me a ride home.

Both meetings, as seems to be true much more often in this new part of my career path, were fabulous, and one even involved getting to hold a 7-week old baby. She was sooooo sweet! And I was able to just enjoy her, and not be at all sad that she wasn't mine, and that was a huge relief too.

April 30, 1971: I make my grand entrance

Why this song to mark this day? Well, on my run yesterday I heard that this song was written for the singer's baby, and between my holding a baby moment today and spending the evening with the folks who brought the world this baby now writing this blog post, it just seemed apropos:

I lock myself in a hotel room
Been waiting all night for the walls to move
I've loved some girls that I barely knew
I've made some friends, and I've lost some too
Crashed my car, I was 17
My mother in the seat riding next to me
The things I've learned from a broken mirror
How a face can change when a heart knows fear
Through all the things my eyes have seen
The best by far is you

I remember when my first baby was born. This is exactly how I felt: That no moment that had come before had been complete, and that what I thought was love was only a fraction for what I felt for my babe:

If I could fly
Then I would know
What life looks like from up above and down below
I'd keep you safe
I'd keep you dry
Don't be afraid Cecilia
I'm the satellite
And you're the sky

I've café crawled through Amsterdam
I've been around the world with a punk rock band
And I've seen London, and I've played Japan
I've been knocked down, I got up again
For all the places I have been
I'm no place without you

If I could fly
Then I would know
What life looks like from up above and down below
I'd keep you safe
I'd keep you dry
Don't be afraid Cecilia
I'm the satellite
And you're the sky

I'm the satellite
And you're the sky

And now I'm lucky enough to have two babies, and to feel this way about both of them:

For all the things my hands have held
The best by far is you

If I could fly
Then I would know
What life looks like from up above and down below
I'd keep you safe
I'd keep you dry
Don't be afraid Cecilia
I'm the satellite
And you're the sky

And you're the sky...

Keep Your Head Up

Heard this song today:

I spent my time, watching
The spaces that have grown between us.
And I cut my mind on second best,
Oh the scars that come with the greenness.
And I gave my eyes to the boredom,
Still the seabed wouldn't let me in.
And I try my best to embrace the darkness
In which I swim.

Now walking back, down this mountain,
The strength of a turnin' tide.
Oh the wind so soft, and my skin,
Yeah the sun so hot upon my side.
Oh lookin' out at this happiness
I searched for between the sheets,
Oh feelin' blind, I realize,
All I was searchin' for, was me.
Oh oh-oh, all I was searchin' for was me.

And those last couple of lines really resonated. It's true, you know, all that stuff they say about self love. It's so huge and it's so essential and it's so grounding. But it can be so difficult to come by, particularly for those of us who didn't get to enjoy having our essential nature lovingly mirrored by our parents.

But it's worth all the hard work, because once you get there, it's a lot easier to follow Ben Howard's advice:

Oh yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no, keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my, my darlin', keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Na, oh, no, no, keep your mind set in your ways.
Keep your heart strong.
Now I saw a friend of mine, the other day,
And he told me that my eyes were gleamin'.
Oh I said I'd been away, and he knew...
Oh he knew the depths I was meanin'.
And it felt so good to see his face,
All the comfort invested in my soul,
Oh to feel the warmth, of his smile,
When he said, 'I'm happy to have you home.'
Oh oh-oh, I'm happy to have you home.

I've been struggling a bit this week, as I do from time to time, with that "it sucks to be a homeowner by myself and have to deal with my own scary basement" feeling. And it does in some ways. But in others, it's good to have so much time in which I'm only in charge of me. I reckon this period is helping me solidify that self-love so that the next time I do enter a relationship, I won't give so much of myself away:

Oh yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no, keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my, my darlin', keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no, keep your mind set in your ways.
Well keep your heart strong.

And maybe, just maybe, that'll mean I can keep my heart strong -- no more heartbreak -- and my hair long -- no more heartbreak haircuts (one of which I had in the summer of 2013).

Here's hoping!

Rather Be

A hard day to be in my body! (As you can see)

Today was a tough day. No question about it. I've been getting to practice later than normal this week, which has somehow made it a lot more difficult to complete. And today I didn't manage to do the whole thing, but I was super proud of myself for sticking it out as long as I did (I got through half primary and finishing series).

Afterward I went to get coffee and a scone at Bradbury's. I love this place. The coffee is delicious. The scones are delicious. The crepes are delicious, though I rarely eat them. The vibe is great. The only problem is, the last two times I've gone there I have waited 20-30 minutes for my coffee, and today, well, as you can see from my scowl in the picture, I just didn't have much patience for that.

You know that bumper sticker that says I'd Rather Be Here Now? On my bikeride home today, I drove past a car with that sucker pasted on the back. In theory, I support this concept. But feeling as I did today, which it turns out was largely made up of me taking on the emotions of my progeny (which is easy for me to do if I'm not careful, as it is for any empath), it's really difficult to get behind that notion.

Pondering this, nothing other than Rather Be starting playing on the internal ipod:

We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have traveled land and sea
But as long as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be
I would wait forever, exalted in the scene
As long as I am with you, my heart continues to beat

With every step we take, Kyoto to The Bay
Strolling so casually
We're different and the same, get you another name
Switch up the batteries

If you gave me a chance I would take it
It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it
Know with all of your heart, you can't shake me
When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be
N-n-no, no, no place I'd rather be [x3]

We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace
Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete
It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity
As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be

I try to feel this about myself, and mostly I do. And despite the emotional roller coaster that parenting can be, I mostly feel this about my kids too. Sometimes more than others, of course.

Case in point: As the dust was settling tonight after some difficult interactions with my son, my daughter and I went outside to follow our neighborhood turkey family around. We enjoy these birds so much, and this summer, we've gotten to watch a family of them as the young get bigger. We think one of them died, because there is one less baby than there was when we first spotted them.

As we were watching them, my daughter said:

"Look at it this way, Mom: At least you didn't have five kids to raise with one already dead like this turkey."

Such a great perspective. Such a wise kid.

As we walked up the block, I once again heard the refrain:

When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be, yeah

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'

My homegirl Terra at the studio where I practice

Why is it that on the mornings when I have to get up early for practice, I am often fast asleep when my alarm goes off, but on the mornings when I practice later, I am often up super early? I don't get it.

But here I am, at 5:30 am, with MJ pumping through my head:

I Said You Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Startin' Somethin'
I Said You Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Startin' Somethin'
It's Too High To Get Over (Yeah, Yeah)
Too Low To Get Under (Yeah, Yeah)
You're Stuck In The Middle (Yeah, Yeah)
And The Pain Is Thunder (Yeah, Yeah)
It's Too High To Get Over (Yeah, Yeah)
Too Low To Get Under (Yeah, Yeah)
You're Stuck In The Middle (Yeah, Yeah)
And The Pain Is Thunder (Yeah, Yeah)

I do understand why he's he here, with this song, this morning. I was talking to my friend last night about the fact that I have enjoyed the down time with my kids this summer, and I've enjoyed the down time by myself, but now I'm ready for some more action. On the professional front. On the man front. On the friend front.

Bring it, Universe, MJ style:

Lift Your Head Up High
And Scream Out To The World
I Know I Am Someone
And Let The Truth Unfurl
No One Can Hurt You Now
Because You Know What's True
Yes, I Believe In Me
So You Believe In You
Help Me Sing It, Ma Ma Se,
Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa
Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa,
Ma Ma Coo Sa

Santeria

Somewhat inexplicably, I woke up early this morning, and this song was going through my head:

All I really want to know
I already know
All I really want to say
I can't define
It's love that I need
But my soul will have to wait till I get back and find
Heina of my own
Daddy's gonna love one and all
I feel the break, feel the break, feel the break and I got to live it out, oh yeah

This place was flower and bunny heaven!

I worked on my book this morning when I woke up, and the song came just sort of popped into my head. Maybe to remind me that I know all I need to know to write it?

I swear that I all really want to know
All I really want to say is I got mine and I make it
That love make it go, my soul will have to wait

And maybe a little you-can't-hurry-love message thrown in? I can always use that reminder. This was definitely a take-it-easy, do-what-I-please kind of weekend, and today ended up involving a run through Owen Park and a night out at a new restaurant with an old friend.

What I really want know, ah baby
What I really want to say is there's just one way back
And I'll make it, yeah, my soul will have to wait

I'll make it alright. And while my soul may have to wait for full satisfaction on every level, it's pretty darn content right where it is...

Now and Always

I decided to spend the day today the way I sometimes spent the day when I had a boyfriend: In bed for much of the day. I'm not going to pretend that it's the same by myself, but it's still pretty nice to just luxuriate in the not doing.

When I did finally get out of bed this afternoon, I turned on the ipod player in my room, and this song came on:

You're in my mind baby, now and always
You're in my mind baby, now and always
The road I'm walking might fall away
You're in my mind baby, now and always

I like David Gray, but my first impression was something along the lines of: "Really, Universe? Do you have to make this harder than it already is?"

And then off I went to hot yoga with my friend. Afterward, sitting in her car in my driveway, I told her what had transpired for me over the last couple of days, and out came the tears. No, it wasn't as hard as it used to be, but it's still hard to be confronted with the power of my relationship with the New Englander and be with the loss.

A bonfire smoking into a low sky
The sparks they fly up into a low sky
Would that these demons let me rest
They're with me Lord till the day that I die

My friend asked if that experience (which I described more in yesterday's post) made me distrust my body. Interesting question, and one that I have definitely grappled with over the last couple of years as I've coped with the loss of this love. The answer is no. My body being so sure about him just feels like a testament to all that was right about us. I can't help it if he couldn't prioritize us, show up, be vulnerable:

Ill wind that blows in from all directions
Ill wind that blows in from all directions
Hey, easy boy giving it all away
And nothing left for your own protection

That's out of my control. But the physical connection, and the love, those were and are real:

You're in my mind baby, now and always
You're in my mind baby, now and always
The road I'm walking might fall away
You're in my mind baby, now and always

But like the shift from bursting into tears at the sound of his voice to being pretty much ok with it, slowly but surely, I am healing. And I'm gaining the wisdom I need to make the right choice next time around...

Come On Get Higher (I Miss the Sound of Your Voice)

My son has been nursing a couple of sports-related injuries, and I was going to call the doctor yesterday when I realized there was someone we could ask who would definitely know what he should do: The New Englander.

So I sent him a text and asked if my son could call him about it, and he said of course.

I didn't actually talk to him myself -- other than saying hi because he was on speakerphone when my kids talked to him -- but even so, just hearing his voice had a profound impact on me.

It used to be that every time I heard the sound of his voice -- since he moved away that is -- I would break down and cry. But that didn't happen last night. Instead, I was mostly ok with it, except for the part of me that was more than ok with it. That's right, despite the time that has passed and what has transpired between us - the sound of that man's voice is still like an on-switch for my girl parts.

And that's ok. We've always had a strong physical connection. We probably always will. I no longer confuse that for what it takes to have a meaningful partnership in this life -- but it is absolutely undeniable. And so I'm letting it be, and marveling a little about how long it has been now that that part of me has been almost dormant. I don't feel like I'm doing that on purpose. I don't feel like I've taken myself off the market. I just feel like now I know what it is like to have a physical relationship with someone you love deeply, and for me, there's no going back to feeling satisfied with anything less.

So this morning, when I woke up after a big night of dreams about the physical nature of my last relationship, this is the song that I heard on my inner ipod:

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms.

I remember the feeling that it was true that everything worked in his arms. But it wasn't really true, not on every level. If it had been, we'd still be together today. It's like the quote on the whiteboard in the office of a woman I met with today said:

"If you're committed to something, you'll find a way. If you're not committed, you'll find an excuse."

Uh-huh.

So now I'm committed to taking this knowledge of how incredible a physical connection can be and not settling for anything less than someone who is fully committed to living this beautiful life with me...

8896

Sometimes I just plain marvel at all the changes I've been through in my life. The biggest one for me lately is that I finally feel ready to have a really, truly intimate relationship -- the kind where you really let someone in -- someone who is going to stay, and show up day after day, which means you need to stay and show up day after day too.

I didn't feel this way for a long, long time. Most of my life, in fact. So I chose people to have relationships with who either had parts of themselves completely hidden or who would go away from parts of themselves from time to time, thus leaving me the space to retreat, too. Those who wanted more -- including one of my best friends in college -- ended up moving on when they couldn't get what they wanted out of our friendship.

I don't want to keep my distance anymore. I want someone to share things with. Every day. It could be a friend or a lover. Or both. I'm open to a new friend, or a deepened friendship too. I just want someone with whom I can be all in -- and who will be all in with me.

One of my new friends -- from the yoga teacher training this summer -- sent me this song today. She's lovely, and we're very open with each other, which feels good. And it's her birthday today. So I'm dedicating today's post to her:

You say there is nothin' to hide
There is nothin' to change
Just look into my eyes
And there's no stuff too

And the wind goes round and it follows the back sides
We're running down roads and crossing track stones
Pay for the ticket, just enjoy the seconds
Run away another day

You keep it flying so high
But lock it down low so it feels right
Just look into the sky and it becomes you
Sweep young feel on a dark night
Lifting me up into arms tight
Open up my mind and it becomes you

Nobody seems to, nobody seems to

And it's times like these when you wish you weren't
A 8896 wishing bird
And nobody seems to fly at your level
Just go faster than the others

As for me, I hope very soon that there is someone who is, in fact, flying at my level, and my speed...

Drive

Tonight, for the first time in about a year, I decided to run around the Arboretum. I remember when 6 miles was no big deal -- last spring and summer I was doing two 6-8 mile runs/week. And then something happened. Right before I went to Maine, my body just said no. No more running. You're not going to do this right now. So I listened. I stopped. I ran like a mile when I was in Maine and then I just really stopped.

Since then, I've dabbled a bit in coming back to running. This Spring I ran with a yoga friend who was pretty out of shape, so we ran slowly and the longest run was 4 miles. When I was at the cabin last week, I ran around the lake a couple of times, which is 3 miles.

Mostly I've been riding my bike and practicing yoga. And that has felt like enough -- sometimes throwing in a little mountain biking.

But tonight, when my daughter asked if we could drive (rather than ride as we usually do) to soccer practice and my son was at a friend's house, I decided to run one of my old loops. And for the most part, it felt good!

This was one of the many songs I enjoyed on Slacker while I ran, and it pretty well captures how I am feeling these days in my life:

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine... hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

Blue

My much-improved Halasana: hooray for yoga's healing power!

I set my alarm to wake up for practice this morning and my sometimes-ipod alarm clock was kind enough to wake me with this song from one of my faves:

Go find a jukebox
And see what a quarter will do
I don't want to talk
I just want to go back to blue

Feeds me when I'm hungry
And quenches my thirst
Loves me when I'm lonely
And thinks of me first

Blue is the color of night
When the red sound disappears from the sky
Raven feathers shiny and black
A touch of blue glistening down her back

We don't talk about heaven
And we don't talk about hell
We've come to depend on
One another so damn well

So go to confession
Whatever gets you through
You can count your blessings
I'll just count on blue

I love Lucinda's voice. I am not, in general, feeling blue in my life these days, but I have to admit I was feeling that way when I went to sleep. I was working on my book, which includes the reprinting of a letter that The New Englander and I wrote to each other in March of 2011 to remind ourselves how much we loved each other and how much we were worth fighting for in case that ever came into question. Ironic, eh? We each wrote part of it, but he wrote the end, and that was maybe the saddest part of all for me to revisit:

"But I’ll tell you what: I bet you’re doing just fine. I bet you celebrated each other when things went right, and took solace in each other when they went wrong. I bet that feeling of love that sprouted all those years ago has put down roots that go miles deep, and raised branches way up into the sky. I bet your example has made it easier for friends to honor their relationships the way relationships should be honored, and I bet you’ve helped a few children grow into better, happier adults than they would have if they hadn’t known you. I bet you’ve spread the love like mad, and been a ton of fun to hang around, and generally elevated the tone of the human experience for everyone you’ve come in contact with. And that is because both of you, somewhere underneath all the crazy family bullshit, youthfully ignorant excess and dysfunctional romances, are really, really lovely people."

Yeah? Well I bet you're wrong, about us as a couple, at least.

And I bet it still makes me cry to read that. I don't know if it ever won't. But it's ok. It just feels sad now, like a missed opportunity, but not like a tragedy. I can see now that I will one day soon view that relationship in a similar light to the way I view my first love: It taught me a lot about myself and a lot about love, but because it lacked true reciprocity, it can't really compare to my next love.

His identity may still be a mystery, but I don't think that will be the case for long. Tonight I had a lot of fun talking to a cute man with whom we mutually agreed that if it weren't for the nearly 20 years that separate us, we'd be into each other. It's always good to feel that spark -- even if it isn't going to go anywhere. One day soon I reckon a similar spark will ignite the fire I've been building up to all this time...

Take Me to the River

I was exhausted today when I got home from our road trip, so I took a big nap. And now here I am, at the end of the day, and I still feel super tired.

But as I went to lay my head on the pillow, this was the song I heard on the internal jukebox (yep, the one playing in my head was The Commitments' cover of Al Green's original):

I don't know why I love you like I do
After all these changes that you put me through
You stole my money and my cigarettes
And I haven't seen hide nor hair of you yet

I wanna know
Won't you tell me
Am I in love to stay?
Hey hey
Take me to the river
And wash me down
Won't you cleanse my soul
Put my feet on the ground

Perhaps reminding me that although I blogged about the road trip to Western Wisconsin, I neglected to mention that soon after I arrived at the party, I decided I needed to ride my bike down to the Mississippi River for a swim.

The party hostess expressed concern that I wouldn't be able to ride all the way back up again -- their cabin is on a bluff high above the Mississippi. I believe her exact words were "you'd have to have some strong legs to make it up all those hills."

I assured her that I had some strong legs, and those strong legs would be grateful for the action after 5 hours in the car.

So off I went, down to the river, wearing my bathing suit and fully intending to swim in the River once I got down there -- it was a super hot day.

But it wasn't easy to find a place to swim. I ended up at a spot called Cold Springs Landing, and I wound up dunking rather than swimming, but damn, did that mighty Mississippi feel amazing:

Hold me, love me, please me, tease me
Till I can't, till I can't take no more
Take me to the river

I wanna know
Take me to the river
I wanna know
I want you to dip me in the water
I wanna know
Won't you wash me in the water
Wash me in the water
Wash me in the water
Won't you wash me in the water
Feeling good

And that baptism was just what I needed to fuel my long journey uphill back to the cabin -- which by the way -- also included some critter excitement in the form of a rattlesnake and a fawn!

Photograph

Enjoying the paddleboat at our cabin!

Today my son and I spent another 5 hours in the car -- this time en route to his friend's family cabin in Western Wisconsin. Google maps told us it would be 4 hours, but we got lost. So did a lot of other people at the party, as it turned out, so that made us feel a little better.

We listened to the radio most of the way, listening to mostly old songs but also some newer ones. We also talked. I told him that I'd communicated with the New Englander and learned that he was headed to a wedding of a friend this weekend. And then I told him that for years I've thought that the New Englander would find himself at a wedding and think something along the lines of:

"Holy shit! I had this amazing woman and we had this incredible love and she wanted to get married but I didn't realize how good we had it and seeing my friends together, embracing their love and embarking on this path, really makes me wish I had decided to do that with this amazing woman whom I loved so much."

I didn't actually say all that to my son, but you might as well know that's pretty much how it goes in my head. What I did say was something more along the lines of "I just don't know how you walk away from a love like ours, and I always wonder if going to weddings makes him regret leaving."

My son said he didn't think it was a good idea to think about that now.

Methinks he is right.

Cue one of the many love songs we heard on our journey today:

Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin' me closer
'Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone
Wait for me to come home

Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know (know)
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

I too believe that loving can heal, that it can mend your soul, and that it's the only thing that really matters in this life.

We keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
Times forever frozen still

But I don't want to be in the pocket of anyone's ripped jeans. Because our hearts were broken. And time didn't stand still:

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin' me closer
'Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone

It marched on. Bringing healing. And also, in fact, a lot of time alone. Just enough to make sure I've got space in my heart to fall in love for real again...