Now and Always

I decided to spend the day today the way I sometimes spent the day when I had a boyfriend: In bed for much of the day. I'm not going to pretend that it's the same by myself, but it's still pretty nice to just luxuriate in the not doing.

When I did finally get out of bed this afternoon, I turned on the ipod player in my room, and this song came on:

You're in my mind baby, now and always
You're in my mind baby, now and always
The road I'm walking might fall away
You're in my mind baby, now and always

I like David Gray, but my first impression was something along the lines of: "Really, Universe? Do you have to make this harder than it already is?"

And then off I went to hot yoga with my friend. Afterward, sitting in her car in my driveway, I told her what had transpired for me over the last couple of days, and out came the tears. No, it wasn't as hard as it used to be, but it's still hard to be confronted with the power of my relationship with the New Englander and be with the loss.

A bonfire smoking into a low sky
The sparks they fly up into a low sky
Would that these demons let me rest
They're with me Lord till the day that I die

My friend asked if that experience (which I described more in yesterday's post) made me distrust my body. Interesting question, and one that I have definitely grappled with over the last couple of years as I've coped with the loss of this love. The answer is no. My body being so sure about him just feels like a testament to all that was right about us. I can't help it if he couldn't prioritize us, show up, be vulnerable:

Ill wind that blows in from all directions
Ill wind that blows in from all directions
Hey, easy boy giving it all away
And nothing left for your own protection

That's out of my control. But the physical connection, and the love, those were and are real:

You're in my mind baby, now and always
You're in my mind baby, now and always
The road I'm walking might fall away
You're in my mind baby, now and always

But like the shift from bursting into tears at the sound of his voice to being pretty much ok with it, slowly but surely, I am healing. And I'm gaining the wisdom I need to make the right choice next time around...