Auld Lang Syne

Cabin play on the frozen lake with cousins

We spent New Year's Eve up at the cabin with my parents and my sister's family. Although it was a really cold day, the kids managed to get outside to play, and so did my sister and I.

We also played games and watched a movie inside -- Parental Guidance -- featuring Billy Crystal. My favorite movie of his is of course, When Harry Met Sally, which has one of my favorite New Years scenes ever -- one that I believe I linked in a post not too long ago about the moment when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

I'm hear to tell you, kids, in case you haven't already learned it through your own experience, that sometimes even when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, and you tell them so, you may not actually get to spend your life with that person.

Yep, it's a big, huge drag, but you do your best not to let it drag you down, because you've got two great kids and a whole lotta love to give to some lucky man who wants to spend his life with you too. And you'll find him. Or he'll find you. Maybe even in 2015.

And this, my friends, is the circuitous path by which I arrived at the song to mark this day, a song also featured in WHMS:

Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne, for auld lang syne

Yep, that's right. The link I provided is to a Mariah Carey cover. What can I say? She has a beautiful voice...

Iridescent

Here we are before the sadness and frustration set in...

Not all ski adventures are created equal. Sometimes there are factors beyond your control that work against you. You know, like a certain child who, in four degree weather, insists on stopping while we're cross country skiing the beginner loop at Rib Lake, because "it's boring."

Adrenaline seek much, kid?

It's true. The Rib Lake trails are not Granite Peak. But they're GORGEOUS. My son calls it the Enchanted Forest. And it is.

It just felt haunted on this particular day by a child that I couldn't possibly leave behind for fear she would freeze, and another child who was frustrated, rightfully so, with his sister for ruining something he'd been looking forward to doing with his Mom.

Yep, it was rough and iridescent at the same time, just like this number:

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

My kids feeling cold and lost in desperation

And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying, "Save me now!"
You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

I tried, I really did. And I managed to remain a loving parent, even when I got extremely frustrated:

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go

It wasn't easy, but I managed. No sense hanging onto it, after all...

Riders on the Storm

My kids and I hit Granite Peak Ski Area today and had a great time, despite the bitter cold.

That's right, because we were channeling our inner Jim Morrisons:

Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan
Riders on the storm

There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin' like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If you give this man a ride
Sweet memory will die
Killer on the road, yeah

Girl, you gotta love your man
Girl, you gotta love your man
Take him by the hand
Make him understand
The world on you depends
Our life will never end
Gotta love your man, yeah

Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan.
Riders on the storm

Yep, that's us!

Christmas Vacation

Archico Family Christmas

My kids came back from their Dad's house at noon today, buzzing with Christmas spirit. We had such a great day -- starting with opening presents -- then on to a softball game (not your usual Christmas day activity for Wisconsites) -- and finishing off with an annual viewing of this classic:

It's that time, Christmas time is here
Everybody knows, there's not a better time of year
Hear that sleigh, Santa's on his way
Hip, hip hooray, for Christmas vacation

Gotta a ton of stuff to celebrate
(Jing-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ling)
Now it's getting closer, I can't wait
(Jang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-lang)
Gonna make this holiday as perfect as can be
Just wait and see this Christmas vacation

This old house, sure is looking good
Got ourselves the finest snowman in the neighborhood
Ain't it fun, always on the run
That's how it's done on Christmas vacation

Let's all deck the halls and light the lights
(Jing-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ling)
Get a toasty fire buring bright
(Jang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-lang)
Give St. Nick the warmest welcome that he's every had
We're so glad it Christmas vacation

Yes we are. Don't get us wrong, we'd like to have some snow, but in the meantime, we'll make use of the presents that Santa gave us and then curl up with a cult classic:

And when the nights are peaceful and serene
We can cuddle up and do our Christmas dreaming

Jing-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ling
Jang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-lang

Christmas vacation
Christmas vacation

We're so glad it's Christmas vacation

Peace and joy and love are everywhere
(Jing-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-ling)
You can feel the magic in the air
(Jang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-lang)
Let the spirit of the season carry us away
Hip, hip, hooray for Christmas Vacation

Unchain My Heart

Although this isn't his original song, it's the one that feels most fitting to mark this day, the day that Joe Cocker died. Because he positively nailed this cover, but also because today was the day that I stopped my yoga practice halfway through, aware that the stiffness in my back, behind my heart, needed some attention.

So I got into a restorative, heart-opening posture, and I asked whoever or whatever might be listening for something a lot like the lyrics to this song:

Unchain my heart
Baby let me be
'Cause you don't care
Let me
Set me free

Unchain my heart
Baby let me go
Unchain my heart
'Cause you don't love me no more
Every time I call you on the phone
Some fella tells me that you're not at home
Unchain my heart
Set me free

Unchain my heart
Baby let me be
Unchain my heart
'Cause you don't care about me
You've got me sowed up like a mellow case
But you let my love go to waste
Unchain my heart
Set me free

I'm under your spell
Like a man in a trance baby
Oh but you're no doubt aware
That I don't stand a chance
Unchain my heart
Let me me go my way
Unchain my heart
You are in me night and day
Why leave me to a life of misery
When you don't care about the beans for me
Unchain my heart oh please
Set me free
Alright
I'm under your spell
Just like a man in a trance oh baby
But you're no doubt aware
That I don't stand a chance
Please unchain my heart
Let me go my way

And slowly, as I laid there, I could feel it happening. The release. I've been holding on so tight for so long and it's time to let it go...

Try

I had a lovely evening tonight at a friend's house -- she ordered us some food, and then after her babe went to bed, we watched a movie, Philomena. It was an excellent flick -- not an easy watch -- but ultimately the story of a woman with a profound faith in humankind, even those humans who have been anything but kind to her.

On the way home, I heard this song on the radio:

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Oh

And I think I'm gonna adopt it as my theme song. The main feeling I have in my life right now is one of bewilderment. I don't get it. I don't see the grand plan. But I do know this in a way I never have before:

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

And man, is it ever a huge relief:

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

No I don't. Not nearly as hard as I've been trying...

Any Other World

Tonight in my trauma recovery group, I got to tell my story. The story of my abuse. The story of how I left my body all those years ago, and the story of how I came back. And somehow, just as the lyrics of today's song describe, it feels like everything has changed:

In any other world
You could tell the difference
And let it all unfurl
Into broken remnants

Smile like you mean it
And let yourself let go

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I tried to live alone
But lonely is so lonely, alone
So human as I am
I had to give up my defenses

So I smiled and tried to mean it
To let myself let go

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I'm ready to say goodbye to that world, and ready to live in one where my truth is not in the hands of a bitter, bitter man. It's in my hands, and the hands of a Universe with big love for me...

Madness

I love, love, love it when just the right song comes to me to mark the day, and today is one of those days:

I, I can't get these memories out of my mind,
And some kind of madness has started to evolve.
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)
And I, I tried so hard to let you go,
But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole, yeah
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)

Some kind of madness has swallowed me whole over these last, oh, I don't know, handful of years now, maybe? And that's the madness of being completely in love with someone who claims to be completely in love with me and then when I ask him to marry me or move in he says no thanks, I think I'll move back to where I came from. And that's really just the beginning of the madness. Then you have last Christmas, when he got back in touch and said he wanted to get back together and move back to Wisconsin. So what's my response? I buy him a plane ticket to visit for his birthday, he comes, we all love seeing him, and then shortly afterward, he becomes less available again, until eventually, we agree to break up, because it's not working for either one of us. But by that point, I've already bought plane tickets for the three of us to visit him in August, you know, because my kids have been counting on having this East Coast adventure with this man, whom they love, whom they thought was going to be their Stepdad. So we go, and not surprisingly, I'm still just as crazy about him as I ever was, even though, while we were broken up, turns out he slept with someone else, and that hurts. When we leave, I suggest we no longer be in contact, but then I don't stick to that, because I just find my feelings for him so confusing and confounding. I start this deep healing work, and he's the one I want to talk to about it, because he's so totally awesome about all of it. He always has been, since the beginning, and he helped me work through major residual trauma from the abuse I suffered in my childhood. So I do call him, and he's there for me, and each time that happens my heart leaps up and says: "Yay! He is your person. He wants to be your person. You weren't wrong about him. You are going to get to be with him again. Of course you are! How could it happen any other way? You've worked so hard and waited so long and the two of you are so good together in so many ways -- how could it be otherwise?" And then the same thing happens that has always happened with us: he becomes less available, I say I need more, he says he can't give me more, rinse, repeat. So I decide we can't talk anymore and so we don't but I still find a way to restart the cycle over -- this time by texting him about the vision that I have during a big crying jag last weekend. The vision is basically making it clear to me that he's just not choosing to take the plunge with me so I point that out to him, as if, I don't know, if he realizes that he'll suddenly decide to take the plunge? Nope. He barely answers, says he'll get to it later, but then doesn't, so I ask him about it in a few days, and he says he can't take the plunge until he knows he can stand strongly on his own two feet. Do I take the hint now? I do not. This tenaciousness that I've got going for me, it serves me very well in some settings, but not so well in others. The length of this paragraph is proof of that. Anyway, I try again to say come back to me, I love you, work on your stuff here, work on it with me, don't turn your back on our love, please. And then FINALLY, he answers with enough clarity that:

I have finally seen the light,
And I have finally realized
What you mean.

He tells me he's doing what he can, but working his way back to us isn't that.

Ouch.

Oh, and he also said he loved me.

The parentheses in the next verse were there, with the exception of the ones I added to the last two lines:

But now I have finally seen the end (finally seen the end)
And I'm not expecting you to care (expecting you to care)
But I have finally seen the light (finally seen the light)
I have finally realized (realized)
I need (something more than) your love
I need (something much more than) your love...

And as difficult as that realization is, the clarity of his statement is a gift. As my therapist would say, it leaves me with a choice: Do I want to continue to pine after a man who isn't working his way back to us?

I do not.

That's the Way I've Always Heard It Should Be

But Arch is already in Madison -- see the legs?

The weather has been really weird. Foggy. Wet. Kinda warm, but not super warm. After I dropped off the kids at their Dad's this afternoon, I went for a run in the Arboretum. As I had done in DC, I decided to run on trails, even though they were pretty messy.

It felt good to be in the woods. It always does. I was listening to a weird station on Slacker -- I'm not even sure what it was -- but songs that I'd never heard kept coming on, like this one:

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

I wasn't sure who was singing it, but I'm not surprised it's Carly Simon. And it got me thinking. Thinking about how for some of us, it just doesn't go the way we've always heard it should. Some of us don't enter adulthood with enough of ourselves intact to have our first marital selection be a great fit -- someone we can love deeply, someone we can continue to grow with over the years.

And although I've had a lot of trouble accepting it, it seems that sometimes, when those of us in this category do meet and fall in love with someone we want to move in with, raise a family with, sometimes we don't even get to have it that time around.

It doesn't make any sense to me, none at all, to find a love like the one the New Englander and I found, and then choose something other than to partner on these trips around the Sun that we've got left -- but today as I ran I realized that there are lots of things about this world that I find senseless. People who want to have babies being unable to conceive and children dying being a couple of examples, but the fact that I find them senseless doesn't stop them from happening. Same thing is true of my situation. It's happening. Might as well accept it.

And although I'm sad, I'm also grateful. I'm grateful that I'm not living a life like the one Carly sings about here:

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

Nope. I'm not hiding the scars. I'm allowing my heart to break open into new life, and I'm trusting that all the work I've done to liberate myself means there'll be no drowning in love's debris for me:

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe - all I know is what I see -
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris.
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf -
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself.

And I know that I will never cage the man (men) I love on my shelf -- even if it means losing him (them) for good...

Turn the Page

I heard this song driving home from the airport this evening:

On a long and lonesome highway, east of Omaha
You can listen to the engines
moanin' Out its one note song
You can think about the woman or the girl
You knew the night before

But your thoughts will soon be wandering
The way they always do
When you're ridin' sixteen hours
And there's nothin' much to do
And you don't feel much like riding
You just wish the trip was through

And here's the thing. My trip was through. I was back in Madison after my three days in DC, but part of me didn't feel home. Part of me felt like I was returning somewhere where something, and someone, are missing. Not a good feeling:

Here I am, On the road again
There I am, Up on the stage
There I go, Playin' star again
There I go, Turn the page

Perhaps it is time, as my friend suggested, to turn the page. Reluctantly.

Just for the record: It's the Metallica version I heard on the radio, and the one I hear in my head -- but this song was originally Bob Seger's...

With A Little Help From My Friends

A windy selfie that captures these happy friends

The last couple of times I've been to DC, I haven't managed to get together with my friend from Madison who moved there a few years ago, but this time, we made it work.

We met for dinner tonight, and it was so nice to see him. We like to talk to each other about a range of things, but our too main topics are probably politics and love/sex, so he was anxious to get caught up on what was going on in my life.

He didn't love where I am at the moment, and suggested I get back into online dating, of which he is a veteran. I bristled, he persisted. He made some good points, and said what so many other people have said to me when I say "But I don't want to date anyone else" -- that this is a fake it 'til you make it situation. Maybe it is. I don't know.

But I do know that it was wonderful to spend a couple of hours with my friend, and it lifted my spirits mightily, not to mention getting this number fired up on the internal jukebox:

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
No I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love

Yes I do. And not just someone in theory, someone in the flesh:

(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time
(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh I'm going to try with a little help from my friends

Usually I have a clear favorite between the original, linked above, and a cover. This one's a toss-up: Joe Cocker really nails this song and kinda makes it his own...

Just The Way You Are

I'm reading an article in The New Yorker about Billy Joel. It's pretty interesting, talking about how he can still sell out Madison Square Garden for weeks at a time, and how he mostly plays the old favorites, including this song that gets the whole place weeping:

Don't go changing to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore

I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I take you just the way you are

And after he plays it, he says to the audience: "I wrote this for my first wife. And then we got divorced!" I don't know much about their marriage, but it does seem tough to swallow. I also know that in my first marriage, I didn't love myself enough to believe that someone else could love me just the way I am. I enjoyed the feeling of being loved enough to want to be around it, but I couldn't really accept it it, and I couldn't return it, either.

I definitely tried to change him:

​Don't go trying some new fashion
​Don't change the color of your hair
​You always have my unspoken passion
​Though I might not seem to care

I also don't think we were a good match. We didn't have unspoken or spoken passion, not really, and now that I've experienced that for reals, I would say that it's essential to really loving someone. Not to mention just plain awesome. One of the things that is hard for me about my situation now is I just really can't fathom choosing not to be in the midst of that passion on a daily basis. I often hear the New Englander's voice in my head (nope, it's not just music, I hear voices too), saying, as he sometimes did: "Why wouldn't ya?"

Which is an important question, but it isn't mine to answer. And if there is one thing I've learned about loving someone just the way they are, it's that doing so sometimes, inconveniently, means not getting what you want from them. But it's such a gift to love that way. I've known this for years because of my children, and I'm so grateful that I now know it is possible in other areas of life too.

Possible, but not easy. Because when the heart feels like this about someone:
​
​I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are

I think it's natural to want to seal the deal:

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
Ah, what will it take till you believe in me?
The way that I believe in you?

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
But I couldn't love you any better
I love you just the way you are

Of course, sometimes, as Billy pointed out in his own example, sealing the deal doesn't ultimately mean spending your life together anyway.

So I guess all we can do, or at least, all I can do, is choose to love this way, and accept what happens as part of my path...

​Oh... Yeah....

Flying Dream 143

I mentioned a couple of days ago that the book I'm reading talks about dialoging with your dreams. The author encourages her readers to ask a question before falling asleep so that they may dream the answer.

I tried it last night, asking: "What do I most need to know about my future?"

I dreamt of a softball game. I hit the ball, hard, and took off for first base. And there I stayed. I could've made it to second on the hit alone. I then got another chance when the ball was misthrown on its way back to the pitcher: I stayed on first. The next batter hit the ball, and starting running to claim his position on first, but I didn't budge, so that batter was tagged out. Now that's a pretty telling dream, isn't it? I reckon it means I'm playing it too safe. I need to venture off the base. Ok. I can dig it. It helps me have some direction.

The author also talks about dreams of flying. I never have these dreams, but I hope someday I will, because she says that dreaming that you are flying means you feel capable of anything.

If I were to have such a dream, I have to admit that it would be lovely if it took me to my lover's side, as it happened in this song:

Flying dream 143
I stretched out my arms
And my feet left the floor
And how all fifteen (ahem) stone flew to you
I don't know

Changes

I went to the gym today, not just to teach yoga, which I love doing, but also to hit the treadmill. Reluctantly. I don't know what's going on with me this year, but I just don't feel like riding my bike in the bitter cold. I don't feel much like running in it, either, but I do feel like eating, so I can't really afford to give up exercising.

As I was winding down my miles on the treadmill, this song came over the speakers at the gym:

I feel unhappy
I feel so sad
I've lost the best friend
That I ever had
He was my dad
I loved him so
But it's too late now
I let him go
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

I love this song. I love how young Ozzy is, and I love how it reminds me of my love of Ozzy. That's right my friends, I had an Ozzy poster as a freshman in the dorms at UW-Madison. I only wish I had a photo to prove it.

This song also reminds me of my days in another dorm, my junior year, in England. I had a very good friend that year who was a huge fan of rockers like Ozzy and David Lee Roth, and he indulged my love of their softer side. I came to find out this indulgence was due to his crush on me -- which I didn't learn about until I had already gotten off with one of his mates from school. At that point in my life, I just wasn't able to pick up on subtlety, though part of me wished I had when I heard this song blaring from my friend's room in the middle of the day in our dormitory:

We shared each day
In love together
We found a way
But soon the world
Had its evil way
My heart was blinded
Love went astray
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes
It took so long
To realize
That I can still hear
his last goodbye
Now all my days
Are filled with tears
Wish I could go back
And change those years
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

Oh well. I reckon we would have both done things differently if we could go back and change those years. He would have been more forthcoming about his affections, and I would have chosen my nice, attentive friend rather than his brooding, aloof mate. But we can't go back, we can only live and learn!

New Sensation

As I continue the process of recovering from Thanksgiving/coping with the cold but no snow weather/catching up on my sleep, my inner jukebox continues to pull out numbers from the past, including this song today:

Live baby live
Now that the day is over
I got a new sensation
In perfect moments
Impossible to refuse

I'm loving that it's validating all my napping:

Sleep baby sleep
Now that the night is over
And the sun comes like a god
Into our room
All perfect light and promises

Promising a new sensation:

Gotta hold on you
A new sensation
A new sensation
Right now
Gonna take you over
A new sensation
A new sensation

And making reference to another aspect of the book I'm reading, Emotional Freedom, which is about how our dreams and the information contained in them can help set us free:

Dream baby dream
Of all that's come and going
And you will find out
In the end
There really is
There really is no difference

But it was these lyrics that popped into my head this afternoon as I found myself coping with that feeling of being in kind of a funk but unable to get it out:

Cry baby cry
When you've got to get it out
I'll be your shoulder
You can tell me all
Don't keep it in ya
Well that's the reason why I'm here

Are you ready for a new sensation
A new sensation
Right now
Gonna take you on a new sensation
A new sensation

Yes I am, ready for that new sensation. Must be right around the corner, right?