Best Part of Me

This sweet little babe is me a mere 45 years ago!

On this, the day I start my next trip around the sun, I am feeling incredibly blessed. For a lot of reasons, but one most of all: I am such a lucky mama.

Not only did my kids bust out a solo trip to Target in the family wagon to get birthday preparations on Friday night (while I sat nervously awaiting their return on the couch -- this was the first time the two of them left in the car together), making it possible for them to cook me a blueberry chocolate chip pancake birthday brunch and shower me with gifts, but they also both wrote me long, heartfelt birthday letters.

Their letters expressed their gratitude for me as their mother, which is awesome and feels great, but they also expressed the extent to which they both see and appreciate me as a human being. I was deeply moved by what they both wrote and felt incredibly validated for the area of my life where I have been able to place the most attention lately: my kids.

I know that this song is written for a lover, and in that way it's not exactly appropriate, but my children are indeed the best part of me, and what's more, they help me see the best part of me, and that is such a gift:

Birthday celebration, complete with kids!

I want you to know the best part of me
I want you to feel my heart and life's harmony
Even I know sometimes it's hard to see
That I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I want you to know that life's on our side
And when I'm alone you're still on my mind
Knowing myself I can no longer hide
'Cause I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I want you to know the best part of me
I want you to feel my heart and life's harmony
Even I know sometimes it's hard to see
That I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I also felt incredibly fortunate to get to have a birthday dinner out this year that included both my kids and some of my dearest friends (and their kids). It was a beautiful celebration and it felt awesome to integrate those two aspects of my life to a greater extent.

I have a feeling being 45 is going to be pretty great!

The Middle

The view of Green Lake from the Heidel Haus, where we stayed

I don't know about you, but sometimes when I go deeper into my stuff than usual, I start looking for someone to "blame" for my discomfort. Because being mad at someone is easier than sitting in the middle of my stuff.

That happened this weekend at a yoga retreat in Ripon/Green Lake: the teacher I was working with, whom I've worked with twice before, pushed me to explore the places where I am gripping most tightly. And then I got pissed. At her.

Part of me knew this was what was happening, at least on some level, so I decided to get out my journal and write down the qualities that I was looking for in a teacher: safe, supportive, nurturing, and also challenging me to be/become my best self.

Just a few minutes later, the teacher that part of me had rejected and was already looking to replace made it abundantly clear to me that she was, in fact, the teacher I was seeking. She stopped the workshop, looked right at me, and said:

"I see you Sarah, and I want to support you. I know how hard you are working, and I know your struggles, and I want you to know I'm here for you and will support you to the best of my ability from afar (she lives in New Jersey)."

I was blown away by the clarity of the response, and it had the effect of melting the ice that had started to form a layer of protection around my heart.

She went on to talk about how sometimes in order to feel better, you have to go back through the pain -- the old adage sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

I get that. And I'm up for it. And this song, heard on the way home, is my anthem:

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own (on your own), so don't buy in.
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough) for someone else.

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best (just do your best), do everything you can (do everything you can).
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.

Purple Rain

Love the New Yorker's tribute to the fallen artist

Oof. A lot of famous musicians have died in the past few months, but none have affected me quite like this one.

Sweet Prince, you've provided the soundtrack to some of the highest highs and the lowest lows in my lifetime. You've inspired me and countless others to be ourselves, to not allow others to label us, to know the resilience of the human spirit and the miraculous power of art to help us understand, celebrate and cope with our lives.

Thank you.

Rest in peace.

And know that this song, like so many of your other songs, will forever remain one of my favorites:

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you laughing
I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you bathing in the purple rain

I never wanted to be your weekend lover
I only wanted to be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you underneath the purple rain

Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out for something new
That means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it
And let me guide you to the purple rain

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon raise your hand

Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you, only want to see you
In the purple rain

I Will Possess Your Heart

Heard this song in the Volvo loaner (which has a fancy radio that tells you which song is playing, of course) today:

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

And it reminded me of a conversation I had last week with friends about the book The Five Love Languages. Turns out, all three of us are the same: Our primary love languages are physical touch and quality time -- the latter of which, it seems, this song is about:

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

One Call Away

Riding my bike downtown early this Sunday morning, these lyrics started pumping out on the internal sound system:

Superman got nothing on me...

I have a feeling the connection had more to do with being impressed with myself for climbing on the saddle so early rather than any other connection to the song, but I always take it as a positive sign when the music spontaneously plays.

This song is no exception:

I'm only one call away
I'll be there to save the day
Superman got nothing on me
I'm only one call away

Come along with me and don't be scared
I just wanna set you free
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon
You and me can make it anywhere
For now, we can stay here for a while
'Cause you know, I just wanna see you smile

No matter where you go
You know you're not alone

I'm only one call away
I'll be there to save the day
Superman got nothing on me
I'm only one call away

And when you're weak I'll be strong
I'm gonna keep holding on
Now don't you worry, it won't be long
Darling, and when you feel like hope is gone
Just run into my arms

That sounds nice. Running into someone's arms.

One of these days...

Nothing from Nothing

Sure, I'll take a 2016 Volvo XC 90 as my loaner!

What an incredible day! In so many ways. Among them:

1) My day started with a road trip to PJ's yoga shala with another devoted practitioner. What a treat!

2) Speaking of treats, my car is in the shop -- not the usual shop, but the Volvo dealership -- and they gave me this sweet little ride for the weekend. So fast. Handles like a dream. So not going to spend the $50K on it (even if I had it), but I will enjoy it while I have it!

3) The weather is so warm and so beautiful and we've waited so long for it!

4) I got to take advantage of this beautiful day by having my season debut mountain bike ride at CamRock. The legs are weaker than I'd like, but they'll be back.

5) I got to help facilitate professional development at a middle school that really gets it. What a pleasure to work with teachers so dedicated to serving kids with open hearts and compassion.

6) On my way home, I drove down Park St., pulling up next to a car with a couple of dudes with super sweet afros. They, of course, were impressed with "my" ride, and I, with their hair.

7) My note from the Universe today contained this important reminder: The only person who should ever have to live by your standards, Sarah, is you.

It's true. But like Billy Preston, heard in the Volvo today, I do need something to go on. Check out the video for this song, speaking of afros. So classic! I also love his response when he's asked about the title of the song:

Well it's an old saying, and it makes a lot of sense.

Yes it does, Billy. Yes. It. Does:

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me

I'm not tryna be your hero
'Cause that zero is too cold for me, brrr
I'm not tryin' to be your highness
'Cause that minus is too low to see, yeah

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
And I'm not stuffin', believe you me
Don't you remember I told ya
I'm a soldier in the war on poverty, yeah, yes, I am

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me, oh baby
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me, that's right, ha yea

That's right. Ha yea. I know you're out there. Somewhere. Someone with something. For me.

I just know you are...

Give Me Love

Such a gorgeous boy -- love this kid!

No one gives me love quite like the babies, and that was particularly true today. I got to hold the little guy pictured here at Colectivo today, and eventually, he fell asleep in my arms.

Later in the day, I went to a guided meditation class called the inward journey. I was hoping to release some of the anger that I have been feeling (and spewing) for the last couple of weeks.

What came to me instead was an insight into where the anger was coming from -- even better! -- because that means I can address the source.

The first image that came to me was the little guy pictured here. And then in my mind's eye I saw my daughter at his age, and I felt this overwhelming helplessness about my inability to keep her safe.

I suffered from postpartum depression with baby #2, and I knew that I had a lot of regret about what I missed. I've already done a bunch of healing around that.

But this new insight helped me see why I was flying into a rage when her brother hurt her or I thought what he was doing might hurt her -- and it was this powerlessness I felt when she was so small and I was so tapped out.

On the way home, I heard this song by George Harrison. It's a beauty, and it totally works to mark this day:

Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
Heart and soul

Om m m m m m m m m m m m m m
M m m my lord. ..

Please take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you

Won't you please
Oh won't you

Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
Heart and soul

Om m m m m m m m m m m m m m
M m m my lord. ..

Please take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you

Yes, please do!

Today I Started Loving You Again

Country music isn't my favorite musical genre, not by a long shot, but there's something about the old classics that I can't help but dig:

Today I started lovin' you again
I'm right back to where I've really always been
I got over you just long enough to let my heartache mend
Then today I started loving you again

What a fool I was to think I could get by
With only these few million tears I cried
I should have known the worst was yet to come
And the crying time for me had just begun

'Cause today I started loving you again
I'm right back to where I've really always been
I got over you just long enough to let my heartache mend
Then today I started loving you again

I feel you Merle. I've been there. But sadly, you are no longer with us.

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself through your music. You will be missed!

My Shot

I was all excited to cast my vote today -- it's such a good feeling when you get to vote for something or someone when you really care about the outcome. My daughter went with me and she was very excited about the process as well.

I do my best to remain non-partisan, so I don't post my political beliefs on Facebook, but dang, a lot of people I'm friends with sure do, and one of them posted this song from the musical Hamilton as the anthem for today:

I am not throwing away my shot!
I am not throwing away my shot!
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot!
I’m ‘a get a scholarship to King’s College
I prob’ly shouldn’t brag, but dag, I amaze and astonish
The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish
I gotta holler just to be heard
With every word, I drop knowledge!
I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal
Tryin’ to reach my goal. My power of speech: unimpeachable
Only nineteen but my mind is older
These New York City streets get colder, I shoulder
Ev’ry burden, ev’ry disadvantage
I have learned to manage, I don’t have a gun to brandish
I walk these streets famished
The plan is to fan this spark into a flame
But damn, it’s getting dark, so let me spell out the name
I am the—

A-L-E-X-A-N-D
E-R—we are—meant to be…

A colony that runs independently
Meanwhile, Britain keeps shittin’ on us endlessly
Essentially, they tax us relentlessly
Then King George turns around, runs a spending spree
He ain’t ever gonna set his descendants free
So there will be a revolution in this century
Enter me!

Don’t be shocked when your hist’ry book mentions me
I will lay down my life if it sets us free
Eventually, you’ll see my ascendancy

And I am not throwing away
My shot
I am not throwing away
My shot
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot
My shot!
My shot!
And I’m not throwing away my shot.

Me neither, Hamilton!

Vintage

Heard this song on my way home from a post-defense of Ph.D. celebration tonight, and given the amount the new Dr. has taught me about love, it feels pretty perfect for marking this day:

I love you more today than I did yesterday
I will love you more tomorrow than I do today

You're timeless like an old stack of vinyl
Hundred year old bottle of wine-o
Love the classics but what do I know?
You're the pair of Chucks I never wanna take off
The beat the DJ can't help but drop
Your Mona Lisa makes my heart stop

You can call me old school but I like
Playing records I can hold in my hand
You can call me old fashioned if you wanna
But I wanna take you out to dance
Little baby

I love you more today than I did yesterday
I will love you more tomorrow than I do today

You're like Don Draper's Cadillac
A Hendrix solo through a Marshall stack
A polaroid nude, white & black
I want a vintage love that's never out of style
Like a kiss I can feel forever

You can call me old school
But I like to read a book that I can hold in my hand
You can call me old fashioned
But I like to hear my music on that FM band
Little baby

I love you more today than I did yesterday
I will love you more tomorrow than I do today

What about tomorrow?
It'll take care of itself
And what if it all goes to hell?
At least you won't be by yourself

I love you more today than I did yesterday
I will love you more tomorrow than I do today

Here's to finding one's tribe and feeling more love each day we get to spend here in Earth school!

The Living Proof

I spent the majority of my weekend at an Ashtanga yoga workshop in Madison. The teacher drove up from Waukesha, where he (and his wife) offer daily mysore practice (or almost daily). I so wish Madison had an authorized teacher -- what a difference it makes to practice with a teacher who really knows what he (or she) is doing!

The workshop gave me a lot to think about, including the possibility of becoming a vegetarian at some point. Definitely a huge leap for me and one that's going to need to percolate for a while before I (if I) make that leap. But the teacher feels very strongly that not eating meat is part of being an Ashtanga yoga practitioner, so I'm going to at least give it some real thought.

We also talked a lot about how in the first few years of practice the body presents all sorts of obstacles and difficulties, including knee and back pain. Knees are the big one for me. I get discouraged sometimes when it seems like my body refuses to change, but the truth is, it has changed monumentally in the last three years, as have I.

But the feeling that there is still a long ways to go is never a good one, and when I get overwhelmed, I just get really tired.

So I came home, took a nap, and then heard this song, which motivated me to keep on keeping on:

It's gonna be a long long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I am ready to carry on
I am so glad the worst is over ('cause almost took me out)
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything
And finally I am not afraid to breathe

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I am the living proof
So many don't survive
They just don't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof
Oh yes I am

Thinking about life's been painful
Yes it was
Took a lot to learn how to smile
So now I am gonna talk to my people,
About the storm, about the storm
Oh so glad the worst is over
I can start flying now
My best days are right in front of me
Yeah and I am almost there
'Cause now I am free

I know where I am going
Hey 'cause I know where I've been
I am gonna feel strong that's showing
I am gonna keep going
That's the way that I will

Nothing about my life has been easy
But nothing's gonna keep me down
'Cause I know a lot more today
Than I knew yesterday
So I am ready to carry on

Thanks for the inspiration, Mary J.

And thanks especially for that reminder that all I need to know I'm moving forward is to see that I know more today than yesterday, and I have no doubt about that -- be it in my yoga practice, as a parent, or in matters of the heart...