Iris

Forgive the flashmarks --Art by a UW professor

SUCH a great day today. Wow. From start to finish.

It started with a fun interaction with the man at the post office who asked me if I'd like anything else at the end of the transaction, to which I replied: "Nope, I believe you have met all of my needs this morning." He smiled: "It's been a long time since I've heard a woman say that."

I walked out with a spring in my step, grateful once again that my own lengthy period of having to meet so many of my own needs is coming to a close. Thanks Universe!

And then I got to spend 90 minutes talking with a UW Art professor who is an absolutely fascinating human being. I feel so fortunate to be in the role I'm in now, for which I am in part responsible for helping extend the impact of the brilliance of so many of our School of Education faculty. What a privilege!

The rest of my work day was productive in ways that I've needed it to be for a while but found elusive, and that's a feeling I have in general about my life right now. Like things are finally starting to fall into place. The vedic astrologer said that I am in a time of transition right now -- that there is a real sense of Before and After - that I now have the opportunity to slap a contract down in front of God with my childhood as collateral and demand a new life. And so I have.

I also got to go to yoga today with the one of my favorite teachers and a bunch of my favorite fellow yogis, where I just felt like more is possible in my body, with my body -- again, the same way I feel in my life right now. Which is a pretty great feeling.

Mind you, as I let all these fabulous feels come in, sometimes the hard ones come in too, as happened this morning during my yoga practice when I burst into tears during my sun salutations. I just remembered my Dad saying that he did not remember abusing me, but if it happened, he was deeply sorry and permanently ashamed. I feel that shame emanating from him, and I wish it wasn't there. I really do. Just not enough to take it on as I did before. And not enough to pretend it isn't there as I did for a very long time.

Perhaps this is why the armor is back, behind my heart, that went away a couple of weeks ago. I hoped it was gone for good, but I guess I should have known better. This cycle may well be lifelong -- protect myself here, open there, lather, rinse, repeat.

Finally, it is this song that has been on repeat on my inner ipod today. I love it when that happens -- not as a result of hearing a song externally -- but by tuning into my very own soundtrack:

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Isn't this what we all want? I wanted so desperately for my parents to know who I was, but they don't seem to hold that capacity.

Just one more reason I feel so incredibly fortunate to be in love with someone who truly knows who I am. It's such a great feeling!

Both Sides Now

Again with the inner jukebox firing up while I'm riding around downtown, but this time it was a Joni Mitchell number:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I feel that way sometimes too Joni. Everything in life is a mixed bag. At one point I thought I was going to get to the point when it wasn't going to be hard anymore, but now I'm not sure that's ever going to happen.

But I'll keep looking. At life. From Both Sides. Now. And Forever...

Best Part of Me

This sweet little babe is me a mere 45 years ago!

On this, the day I start my next trip around the sun, I am feeling incredibly blessed. For a lot of reasons, but one most of all: I am such a lucky mama.

Not only did my kids bust out a solo trip to Target in the family wagon to get birthday preparations on Friday night (while I sat nervously awaiting their return on the couch -- this was the first time the two of them left in the car together), making it possible for them to cook me a blueberry chocolate chip pancake birthday brunch and shower me with gifts, but they also both wrote me long, heartfelt birthday letters.

Their letters expressed their gratitude for me as their mother, which is awesome and feels great, but they also expressed the extent to which they both see and appreciate me as a human being. I was deeply moved by what they both wrote and felt incredibly validated for the area of my life where I have been able to place the most attention lately: my kids.

I know that this song is written for a lover, and in that way it's not exactly appropriate, but my children are indeed the best part of me, and what's more, they help me see the best part of me, and that is such a gift:

Birthday celebration, complete with kids!

I want you to know the best part of me
I want you to feel my heart and life's harmony
Even I know sometimes it's hard to see
That I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I want you to know that life's on our side
And when I'm alone you're still on my mind
Knowing myself I can no longer hide
'Cause I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I want you to know the best part of me
I want you to feel my heart and life's harmony
Even I know sometimes it's hard to see
That I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I also felt incredibly fortunate to get to have a birthday dinner out this year that included both my kids and some of my dearest friends (and their kids). It was a beautiful celebration and it felt awesome to integrate those two aspects of my life to a greater extent.

I have a feeling being 45 is going to be pretty great!

Purple Rain

Love the New Yorker's tribute to the fallen artist

Oof. A lot of famous musicians have died in the past few months, but none have affected me quite like this one.

Sweet Prince, you've provided the soundtrack to some of the highest highs and the lowest lows in my lifetime. You've inspired me and countless others to be ourselves, to not allow others to label us, to know the resilience of the human spirit and the miraculous power of art to help us understand, celebrate and cope with our lives.

Thank you.

Rest in peace.

And know that this song, like so many of your other songs, will forever remain one of my favorites:

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you laughing
I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you bathing in the purple rain

I never wanted to be your weekend lover
I only wanted to be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you underneath the purple rain

Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out for something new
That means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it
And let me guide you to the purple rain

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon raise your hand

Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you, only want to see you
In the purple rain

Dearly Departed

Life's just easier when the sun shines for this girl

Yesterday was a tough day. It started off well enough -- practicing yoga with one of my favorite practice partners. But then it devolved into a visit to the dermatologist, which, as per usual, resulted in a biopsy, this time from the top of my forehead. If you look closely in the photo, you can see the spot -- not as well as you could have seen it yesterday, mind you, when my Dr. clearly marked it, like a bullseye, with a bright blue marker.

Then in the afternoon, I had the distinct honor of visiting my dentist for a crown repair. This morning a friend left me a voicemail telling me that "applying a growth mindset, it was actually smart to get those both out of the way in the same day." Mmmmaybe, but it didn't feel good. I guess growth kinda doesn't though, does it?

In any case, after those two encounters, I crawled into bed for a nap, which, on such a cold day, was delightful. And I probably would've stayed there, right up until it was time to get up for yoga at 4:30 this morning, except that I had to give a guest lecture last night. That's right, with a bullseye on my forehead. I also had to meet the professor, who is also a friend and colleague, for dinner beforehand. So up I rose, and it's probably a good thing I did, because this morning when I got to work, I had an email from one of the students thanking me for the "heartfelt, inspiring" presentation and asking me to consider running for State Superintendent. Which, I gotta say, made me feel pretty great.

That email was just one of the pieces of love I received today -- I think in part because I had a moment yesterday when I kinda cried out to whoever was listening: "Really? This is what you've got for me? One hit after another? No breaks?"

Another piece of love was a text from a close friend asking how things were going and saying she was thinking of me. Another was a phone call from a friend and colleague on his drive to work this morning. And another was a text from another friend, one I'd confided in earlier in the week, saying she was thinking of me and giving me the link to this song:

Oooooh
Oooooh
Oooooh
Oooooh

Well
You and I both know that the house is haunted
And you and I both know that the ghost is me
You used to catch me in your bed sheets just rattlin your chains
Well back then baby, it didn't seem so strange

Even when one is dead and gone (or, say, once again living in New England)
It still takes two to make a house a home
Well I'm as lonesome as the catacombs
I hear you call my name but no one is there
Except a feeling in the air

You and I both know that the house is haunted
Yeah you and I both know that the ghost is you
Used to walk around screaming, all slamming all 'dem doors
Well I'm all grown up now, I don't scare easy no more

Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Oooohh

Yeah, you and I both know. But it's ok. Really. I asked my first love how long it took him to get over his biggest heartbreak -- and he said at least 2 years. So I'm doing ok. By one measure -- when the New Englander left Madison -- it's been 18 months, but by another -- the last time we communicated -- it's been a week. In either case, I've got time. It's ok that the house still feels haunted today. I can handle it, and I trust that one day it won't.

Overall, I gotta say, today was soooo much easier than yesterday. Today I had a lovely early morning practice with another favorite yoga buddy followed by breakfast from one of my favorite spots -- Lazy Jane's. Then work for a few hours, followed by a haircut and brow wax (note the after photo above), more work, then acupuncture, then parent teacher conferences for my son. Who is seriously rocking high school.

Yep, lots to celebrate. And lots of love.

On a more somber note, it feels apropos that this song is marking this day not just because my friend sent it to me, but because another friend's husband's mother died today. I'm sending out lots of love to her and her family and everyone else out there with a dearly departed loved one -- whether the departure is permanent or not -- I know it hurts like crazy...