September

This is one of those songs that I never really knew the words to, though I've heard it on and off over the past few decades:

Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changin' the minds of pretenders
While chasin' the clouds away
Our hearts were ringin' in the key that our souls were singin'
As we danced in the night, remember
How the stars stole the night away, oh yeah

Hey, hey, hey!
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy day

Ba-du-da, ba-du-da, ba-du-da, ba-du
Ba-du-da, ba-du, ba-du-da, ba-du
Ba-du-da, ba-du, ba-du-da

My thoughts are with you, holdin' hands with your heart to see you
Only blue talk and love, remember
How we knew love was here to stay
Now December, found the love that we shared in September
Only blue talk and love, remember, the true love we share today

Hey, hey, hey!
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy day
There was a…
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), golden dreams were shiny days

The bell was ringin', oh, oh
Our souls were singin'
Do you remember never a cloudy day? Yow

There was a
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), never was a cloudy day
And we'll say
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee ya, dee-ya), golden dreams were shiny days

I never even knew it was called September, and I definitely cannot say, on this, the last day of September 2019, that this was my experience of this month.

So many of the days were clouded with the difficult feelings that have come up as I face the fact that a romantic relationship I hoped would be my last is now another space of learning and growing that I am left to do alone.

I know that it won't always be this way, but it's gonna take a while for me to feel peace about the way things are, and even longer before dancin', golden dreams, and shiny days are here again...

The Promise

Listening to Spotify on my Wonderboom on a rainy Sunday, and what to my wondering ears should appear but this gorgeous number:

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart

A place for me in your heart
A place for me in your heart
A place for me in your heart

I have no doubt there is a place for me in the New Englander's heart, and for him in mine. There will always be a place.

For me though, it's not about waiting, or contemplating getting back together.

It's about me doing the work of forgiveness, to face the gargantuan disappointment I feel about our romantic relationship ending and the reasons for that, and becoming willing to let that go.

I'm not ready yet, but I am doing the work, and I will get there...

Sea Fog

The beloved firstborn on the day of departure

This summer was a lot of things. It was awesome having my son home from college in Seattle. The weather, for the most part, was glorious, and we had an amazing family adventure.

It also included a big loss, when The New Englander and I broke up, and now I'm faced with another one: My son heading back to school.

I don't know if it will ever get easier to leave his company. It's just such a nice place to be, and it doesn't help that I am ready to make my cross-country move too. Only, I'm not. I've got two more years here.

So I took myself to hot yoga yesterday afternoon, for the first time in a long time, and this was the song the teacher sang to us in savasana:

The sun bleeds in, hear the magpie sing for sorrow
It makes things better
Maybe we'll get to spread our wings tomorrow
If luck will let us

Can anyone fly into these grey skies?
Is there somewhere I'm meant to be

Off he goes!

Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me

I missed my turn in the dark
I hear your voice
It makes things easy
I strayed too far from the road
Wish you could always make things easy

And I won't fight through the rising tide
If that’s the way it has to be

Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me
Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me

Sea fog rolling
Sea fog rolling
Sea fog rolling

Which felt apropos for today in a couple of ways -- my son is indeed spreading his wings today, and he's headed back to the land where sea fog rolling is a daily occurrence rather than an obscure reference in a song lyric...

Kind and Generous

Going to work this morning felt hard, as did getting up for practice. I don't seem to have as much energy as I would like, or as I need.

I've been using one of my decks a couple of times a day to guide me extra during this period of transition, and this morning's card was kindness.

This made me more awake to kindness when I encountered it, which I did in at least two forms:

1) Nature's gifts - the beautiful sunny day, squirrels chasing each other up and down a huge tree, owls (my favorite) hooting on my walk, a bat in the park as I did my pre-pullup exercises (#goals); and

2) Spotify dialed up this kind and generous number:

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
And for everything you've done
You know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness i'm in debt to you
And i never could have come this far without you
So for everything you've done
You know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it

I want to thank you
For so many gifts
You gave with love and tenderness
I want to thank you
I want to thank you
For your generosity
The love and the honesty
That you gave me
I want to thank you
Show my gratitude
My love and my respect for you
I want to thank you
I want to

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
I want to
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

Thanks, Universe!

The Beautiful Ones

My kids took turns reading Dr. Suess to their former nanny's kid

We had the pleasure of hosting our former nanny and her kids this weekend.

It's so great to see my (mostly) grown up kids with her little kids, and for me to get to spend time with her now that we're both mamas instead of a mama and a college student.

Madison showed off for us, and we got to enjoy a beautiful day with the morning and early afternoon spent at the Farmer's Market.

Evening brought story time for the little kids and then games for the big kids and grown ups.

Acro with a three-year old makes me smile!

And now, with our friends back in Chicago and my kids back at their Dad's, I'm getting to enjoy a little quality time at home with some New Yorker magazines.

That's where the inspiration for today's song comes from -- a personal history from a guy Prince hired to write his autobiography.

Unfortunately, Prince died before he could get very many of his stories on paper.

Please, oh please, don't let that happen to me.

In the meantime, some entertainment from the brilliant and beautiful man himself:

High on diesel and gasoline
Psycho for drum machine
Shaking their bits to the hits, oh oh

The beautiful ones with our beautiful Capitol

Drag acts, drug acts, suicides
In your dad's suits you hide
Staining his name again

Cracked up, stacked up, 22
Psycho for sex and glue
Lost it to Bostik, yeah
Shaved heads, rave heads, on the pill
Got too much time to kill
Get into bands and gangs, oh

Here they come
The beautiful ones
The beautiful ones
La la la la
Here they come
The beautiful ones
The beautiful ones
La la la la la

La la, loved up, doved up, hung around
Stoned in a lonely town
Shaking their meat to the beat
High on diesel and gasoline
Psycho for drum machine
Shaking their bits to the hits, oh

Here they come
The beautiful ones
The beautiful ones
La la la la
Here they come
The beautiful ones
The beautiful ones

You don't think about it
You don't do without it
Because you're beautiful
And if your baby's going crazy
That's how you made me, la la
And if your baby's going crazy
That's how you made me, woh oh
And if your baby's going crazy
That's how you made me
La la la la la

The River

Panorama of the Mississippi River as seen from my friend's Dad's boat

When I told my friend about my breakup, she decided that a trip to Iowa and a stay at her parent's home on the Mississippi River would be just what the Dr. ordered. I had a whole week (and a day) off of work, so I figured I might as well spend some of it on a little getaway.

It did feel good to get away. To swim in the river. To be among good people. To sleep. To write.

And of course, to listen to the boss:

I come from down in the valley
Where, mister, when you're young
They bring you up to do like your daddy done
Me and Mary we met in high school
When she was just seventeen
We'd ride out of this valley down to where the fields were green

We'd go down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh, down to the river we'd ride

Then I got Mary pregnant
And man, that was all she wrote
And for my nineteenth birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat

Me at the helm

We went down to the courthouse
And the judge put it all to rest
No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle
No flowers, no wedding dress

That night we went down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh, down to the river we did ride
Ah-yah

I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company
But lately there ain't been much work on account of the economy
Now all them things that seemed so important
Well, mister, they vanished right into the air
Now I just act like I don't remember
Mary acts like she don't care

But I remember us riding in my brother's car
Her body tan and wet down at the reservoir
At night on them banks I'd lie awake
And pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take
Now those memories come back to haunt me
They haunt me like a curse
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true
Or is it something worse

That sends me down to the river
Though I know the river is dry
That sends me down to the river tonight
Ah-yah-yah
Down to the river
My baby and I
Oh, down to the river we ride
Ah-yah-ay

Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh

There were moments on the trip where I'd go back to my room and burst into tears. There were was a moment when I got home when the same thing happened.

It's all good. Not easy, but part of the grieving process...