She Talks to Angels

I love this song, and I keep having the good fortune of hearing it in the car, which is especially welcome at the moment when I'm in between books on CD:

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan
After you meet her family

Speaking of addiction, I had a big realization in that department this week. As I've talked about many times, there is alcoholism in both sides of my family, so I've tried to learn as much as I can and stay on top of my own drinking so it doesn't become problematic. I also know I'm not an alcoholic. I once talked to a friend who is and she explained that having one drink was never enough for her, she always wanted more. I didn't understand this -- but what if you're full, or tired, or don't feel like it, or have to get up early the next day? Doesn't matter, she told me, but I really never got it. Until now.

I was warned a few months back about reestablishing contact with the New Englander, that it would be a slippery slope for both of us. I didn't listen, though, because I had all these new insights from writing my memoir that I wanted to share with him. And I did gain some information from connecting with him again, no question about that. But that information -- even when it was the fact that I'm not drawn to who he is now so much as who he was when we were first together - did not stop me from wanting more, in the same way that nothing stopped my friend from wanting another drink.

So I texted more, I let myself think about how to properly acknowledge his birthday, and all the while, I reassured myself in a way that I now find curious as a justification for this behavior: I just love him so much.

Whoopdeedoo Sarah Jane. That's no big realization. The realization I have about it now is that is only half of the equation. And that, coupled with the knowledge that when it comes to him I cannot, in fact, have just one "drink" -- well, that helps me come from a whole different place about how to move forward. And move on. Finally.

Sing it Black Crowes:

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make everything alright
Alright, yeah heah

She talks to angels
Says they call her out by her name
Oh, yeah, heah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, ooh, oh, oh, angels
They call her out by her name

Oh, oh, oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, ee, eah, eah, eah, eah
Call her out
Don't you know that they
Call her out by her name?

When We Were Young

Even though I'm feeling mostly better, today as I've tried to settle down to work, it hasn't come easily. I decided to turn on Spotify for a little inspiration, and it didn't disappoint from the very first track:

Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk to the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true

But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know

You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

Love, love, love that voice.

And speaking of being young, my oldest got his driver's license today. Gulp. I feel proud, I feel nervous, I feel liberated, I feel so many things.

I texted my friend to tell her, and she reminded me of something funny I wrote on my new year's resolutions for 1987:

"Obtain my driver's license, but use it responsibly, and not as a weapon."

What!? I'm not quite sure what I meant by using it as a weapon, but I will tell you that I hope like hell my son uses his more responsibly than I did mine in those days.

No wonder I'm feeling unsettled today. My kid's growing up, and I'm saying goodbye to the central focus of my consciousness for the last five years (I wish that were an exaggeration, but I'm afraid it's the truth).

I'll tell you what I'm not feeling that our 25 year old diva sings about in this song, and that's sad or mad about aging:

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
Oh I'm so mad I'm getting old
It makes me reckless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
When we were young

Aging is good. Aging brings wisdom. Aging brings perspective. Aging brings strength.

And yeah, there are also losses. But all those things I named that aging brings allows for peace of in the face of them and the knowledge that losses are a part of life...

Room at the End of the World

I love Easter. I love the story of the resurrection and the rebirth. Every year it seems to come right when I need it most, and this year is no exception. I may have said this before -- because God knows I've known intellectually for years that I needed to let go of the past -- but I feel ready now. I feel like I have what I need to really do it this time -- strength, support, acceptance, peace.

I went to church this morning -- an essential part of the Easter experience for me and the only day of the year I feel compelled to return to the Episcopalian part of my roots -- which was a satisfying experience on a lot of levels.

I particularly liked this prayer:

"Call us to our mission. Give us insight to know it and power to do it."

Right? So important to have both in all things we try to do in this life, from letting go of a relationship that is no longer serving you to finding fulfilling work.

On the way home from church I heard this song, which also seems to be about beginnings and endings:

If the sun don't light
and the night won't turn
we'll get a room at the end of the world
and we'll rewrite all the wrongs we've learned
safe in our room at the end of the world

These streets are haunted
with ghosts who wait on luck to come
sleep with hornets
and they wonder why they wake up stung

Sad can't catch me
call me baby now
when it's all I use to believe

One heart is never enough alone
one heart is never enough alone

It's true. Good thing this heart is far from alone and ready to be reborn with someone new...

Back in the Game

I woke up this morning to get ready to go to practice, looked outside, and decided to ride my bike downtown.

Business as usual for Archie -- but today is the first time in two weeks that I've had my normal amount of energy -- and it feels good.

Now heavy metal is not business as usual for me, but I gotta admit, sometimes, I like it like this:

Let's play
It's been a hard road but I'm almost home
As the lights fade to black
Hear the roar of the crowd
Ten thousand loud
It's good to be back

Feel the sting the sweat
Of the back of my neck
It's been way too long
Like a ricochet I hit the stage (or the bike path)
Lets get it on

Yep, and this song is apropos in more ways than one, because I'm back in the dating game, too:

I'm back in the game
Breaking hearts again
You better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
I'm back in the game
Kickin' ass again
No stopping me now
It's like I've never been away
So you better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
Oh yeah

I'm built to last I'll never crash
I'm invincible tonight
Feel the energy running over me
Like a bolt from the sky
Go another round in another town
I strike and then I'm gone
I'm a high octane hurricane
Let's get it on

The shirtless frontman in this band's got one on me here -- cause sometimes, I do crash -- on my bike, in my love life. But I always get back in the game eventually:

I'm back in the game
Breaking hearts again
You better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
I'm back in the game
Kickin' ass again
No stopping me now
It's like I've never been away
So you better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
Oh yeah

Oh yeah...

Don't Come Around Here No More

I got to talk to one of my oldest friends today. We don't get to talk often but when we do we tend to cover a wide range of topics, and among many others, we talked about men. Her voice changed when I brought up the New Englander. Noticeably. And this isn't the first time I've noticed that, it's just the first time I've admitted it to myself. It wasn't impatience I heard, exactly, though there was definitely a trace of that. This friend would never say: "why don't you f#$%ing get it, Sarah, you deserve more than he is prepared to give." I know she loves me. And I know she wants me to be happy. And I can tell by the tone of her voice that she knows he's not what's going to make me happy.

And here's the thing: I've gotten this message over and over again in different ways from so many different people. But still I rationalize, I justify, I fall back on the love I have for him. It's time to have another sort of talk with myself: "Sister, if that were the problem, you're right, you understand yourself so much better now, you are definitely more ready to be a partner now than you were when you were with him. But that's not the problem. That's never been the problem."

Which is why, when I tried to express to him what I felt bad about and how I've grown, he didn't hear it. Not really. He just said how huge it is for him that I love him the way that I do. How that's been one good thing in a tough five years.

I guess that's something. But it's not enough. I know it. My friend knows it. I'm sure everyone reading this blog knows it. But I'm finally willing to admit it.

I need to stop going back to that trough. And I'm going to stop. Because it's never been a question of how much I love him. It's always been a question of what he's able to give, and that remains true today.

So enough already. I'm done. If things ever changed for him enough to make a difference, he could fight for me. I wouldn't need to do anything to facilitate that. I've watched enough damn romantic comedies to know that when the guy is ready, if he ever is, he doesn't let anything stop him. That's not the situation I have on my hands. So I need to be done. Really done. I need to stop texting, calling, sending birthday presents. I need to stop blogging about him. I need to stop indulging these fantasies that do absolutely f%^k all to quell my desire for human contact.

Enough already.

As I walked to the bathroom tonight for the final time before going to sleep, this song started playing on the internal jukebox:

Don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
Whatever you're looking for
Hey! Don't come around here no more

I've given up. I've given up
I've given up on waiting any longer
I've given up, on this love getting stronger

I don't feel you anymore
You darken my door
Whatever you're looking for
Hey, don't come around here no more

Thing is, it tends to be me that comes around there, so I'm still having that little talk with myself when I say:

I've given up. I've given up
I've given up, you tangle my emotions
I've given up, honey please admit it's over

Don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
Whatever you're looking for
Hey, don't come around here no more
Stop walking down my street
Who did you expect to meet?
Whatever you're looking for
Hey, don't come around here no more

Please. For yourself. For your own happiness. Enough already.

I Can't Fix Us Two

The process of writing a memoir has been so great in terms of seeing myself more clearly. Revisiting the old emails between the New Englander and me, I see a woman who was desperate to fix the man she loved. It's not pretty and I don't like that side of myself, but I can see now that it's where I was: I really believed that I needed to fix him in order for us to make it, which I needed in order to be ok. That might not have actually been true -- it wasn't true -- but it felt true.

It doesn't feel true anymore. I mean I do still feel that in order for the two of us to have a real shot, he would have to address the wounds that keep him from being able to be vulnerable, but my happiness is no longer reliant on the two of us making it. I still love him, I still want him to heal for himself, and if he did, I'd still want to give us another shot, but I also understand that may never happen and I can still live a full life and even fall in love with someone else.

Tonight I went to a meditation class with a teacher I really enjoy - he is also a Reiki practitioner -- and this particular class is about finding a deep experience. And what I found when I visited that deep part of me was the word YES. Yes to receiving, yes to being touched again, yes to love, yes to a guy I met online that I have a good feeling about (if that connection ends up being a positive one)... YES.

It feels like a part of me has been on hold -- in a holding pattern -- for a long time. I was teaching a yoga class this week, and I heard myself talking about letting go of what is no longer serving you, and I just thought "You're so full of shit, Sarah. You tell your students this, but have you let go of what is no longer serving you?"

So tonight I took steps in that direction. I spoke to the New Englander -- who will be 50 tomorrow -- about the ways in which I was unable to hold space for him while we were together in the way that I would want to -- because of my own wounds. I talked to him about the shift I'd experienced from needing him to get better and wanting him to. I listened to him talk about where he is and I let myself really hear what that means, which is basically what my deepest self indicated before that phone call: it's time to say yes to someone else.

As this beautiful song says, I can't fix us two, and that's really ok:

Left you by the phone at half past three
Now it's quarter ‘til and you're not to be seen
Last I saw your face was ten hours gone
And suddenly you're sorry; it's my fault for giving in

You will never love the way you know
You would never love the way you show

Yet I go back to you every chance I get
No matter how soft my skin is from last time you dug real deep
My bones are shaking; I can't do this anymore
I need to stop missing you; I can't fix us two

Left you by my heart, now it's raw and red
I should've said how mad I really was
Told you how I felt, but now it's done
I go to sleep upset; I didn't tell you what I meant

You will never love the way you know
You would never love the way you show

Will we part our ways, it's hard to say
We've come too far to say we just can't stay
It seems we'll always be two
And I'll never quite get you

I don't have to in order to have a full life. I can say YES to the life that's right here in Madison...

Doin' It Our Way

"Spring" break -- Chicago style!

My kids and I randomly heard the Laverne and Shirley theme song on our way home from our trip to Chicago:

Give us any chance - we'll take it
Read us any rule - we'll break it
We're gonna make our dreams come true....
Doin' it our way

Which feels appropriate to describe our trip since we did wind up (unknowingly) breaking a rule:

Doin' it our way is sometimes against the rules

Nothin's gonna turn us back now
Straight ahead and on the track now
We're gonna make our dreams come true...
Doin' it our way

My kids laughed at me as I sang along -- which if you grew up watching Laverne and Shirley like I did, you pretty much have to do -- but it was all in good fun.

Things are feeling pretty darn great with my kids this spring break and on the momentous occasion of my son's 16th birthday:

16? Wow -- where has the time gone?

There is nothing we won't try
Never heard the word impossible
This time there's no stopping us
We're gonna do it

On your mark, get set and go now
Got a dream and we just know now
We're gonna make our dream come true
And we'll do it our way - yes our way
Make all our dreams come true
And do it our way - yes our way
Make all our dreams come true
For me and you

My life doesn't look like I imagined it would. I didn't think I'd get divorced and even after I'd adjusted to that idea, if you told me I'd still be single nearly seven years later I wouldn't have believed that either. But here I am, just soaking up these last few years with my kids before they're both off to college, and feeling grateful for (almost every) moment of it...

Sail to the Moon

Being sick is getting old, and with no exercise, no practice, I'm feeling more unhappy by the day.

Until today, when my kids came back. They brighten my world right up, and I'm so grateful for them.

Apparently, this Radiohead tune is about being a parent:

I sail to the moon
I spoke too soon
And how much did it cost
I was dropped from
The moonbeam
And sailed on shooting stars

Maybe you'll
Be president
But know right from wrong
Or in the flood
You'll build an Ark

And sail us to the moon
Sail us to the moon
Sail us to the moon
Sail us to the moon

However, it does not seem particularly bright to me.

Someone said in the comments that this is a good song to which to kill yourself. Ouch.

Maybe not quite that dark, but it does seem pretty dark. I guess that's just how they roll...

Seeing Things

Let's face it, being sick mostly sucks. I've been in bed for nearly three days straight, and asleep for most of it. I wake up when I'm hungry or have to go to the bathroom, I take care of my needs, and I go back to sleep. It ain't pretty. My kids are at their Dad's, and there's no one here to take care of me, so I do what I have to do for myself. It's lonely and kinda depressing.

But there is one upside to being this sick. I feel like I am seeing the world, and my own life, through different eyes, and that changes what is possible.

I stumbled on this song by The Black Crowes today, and they seem to know a little something about seeing things differently:

I find it hard to shed a tear
You brought it all on yourself my dear
Wrong, yes I may be
Don't leave a light on for me
'Cause I ain't comin' home
It hurts me baby to be alone
Yes, it hurts me baby

A hundred years will never ease
Hearing things I won't believe
I saw it with my own two eyes
All the pain that I can't hide
And this pain starts in my heart
And this love tears us apart
You won't find me bent down on my knees
Ain't bendin' over backwards baby
Not to please

'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time, oh yeah
I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life

I used to dream
Of better days that never came
Sorry ain't nothin' to me
I'm gone and that's the way it must be
So please I've done my time
Lovin' you is such a crime
You won't find me down on, on my knees
Won't find me over backwards baby
Just to please

'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I"m seeing things for the first time
Seeing things for the first time
Oh I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life

Here I am pre date at Colectivo: feeling unsure

Yep, and I'm looking forward to what is going to be revealed over the next few months. It's gotta be something. I went on a date for the first time in about a year on Friday night. It was a disappointment. No connection, no spark, nothing real in common. I'm telling myself I needed to go on that date to officially change columns to being open to something new, but I know the Universe can find a better match for me than someone who makes very little eye contact, talks about the fact that he works a lot at every opportunity (one might even say he creates opportunities to talk about this), someone whose idea of exercise is an elliptical machine, someone who has only been divorced for three weeks.

Naw.

That's not going to cut it, Universe. We can do better. I just know it. One of the things I've been thinking about is how, right before I had that reunion with my first love, I met the New Englander. It was as if the Universe was trying to say "No, don't go down that road again! Why would you want to when you could be exploring this road?"

It's time once again for me to be shown the new road to explore. Just as soon as I can get out of this bed...

Coming Home

I was looking forward to this weekend. Had a good amount of plans, including meeting a friend from high school for dinner, as well as some free time. Alas, my body had other plans for me, and I've spent the weekend in bed instead.

So I'm marking this day a bit vicariously, with a song from the concert that a friend of mine went to in Milwaukee yesterday:

Baby, baby, babe
I'm coming home
To your tender sweet loving
You're my one and only woman
The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, girl
You're the only one that I want
I wanna be around
I wanna be around you girl
I wanna be around
Ooh I wanna be around

Baby, how I'd be grieving
If you wanted to leave me all alone now
By myself, I don't wanna party anywhere else
The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, girl
You're the only one that I want

I wanna be around
I wanna be around you girl
I wanna be around, girl
Ooh I wanna be around

Baby, baby, baby
I'm coming home
To your tender loving
You're my one and only woman
The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, girl
You're the only one that I want

I wanna be around
I wanna be around you girl
I wanna be around, girl
Ooh I wanna be around girl

I need you baby, girl I
I need your loving darling
Wanna hold you close
Girl, girl

Maybe this illness represents a homecoming of sorts, but I sure would rather the kind Leon is singing about here...

Will You Still Love Me?

I've had the refrain to this song stuck in my head for days:

'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own

It's an old fave, but I'm not gonna lie, at the moment it feels kinda depressing. I often get this nagging feeling when I travel, like why am I living my life without a partner, again?

My mother used to say "Ours is not the question why." Maybe not. But then I hear songs like this, and I feel like I understand less now than I did when this song came out back in 1986:

Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take forever more

Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and I don't want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own

And the truth is, let's face it, I can go on if I'm on my own. I'm kinda sick of it, but I can do it.

I just can't help wondering if there's a happier ending out there for me than a love lost:

Do you believe a love could run so strong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lonely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you're all that I know

Maybe. For right now. But I want to know more. I am open to knowing more...

Love Yourself

An amazing tree at a Houston school

So there are a lot of great things about Houston, but the highways, the traffic -- they're not on the list. But this morning, in an effort to get my beloved Ashtanga practice in, I decided to brave them.

And I made it, to practice, but what I didn't manage to do was change the channel when this song came on as I always do when I'm maneuvering the mean streets of Madison:

For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh, girl for goodness' sake
You think I'm crying on my own. Well, I ain't

And I didn't wanna write a song
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care. I don't,
But you still hit my phone up
And, baby, I be movin' on
And I think you should be somethin' I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that

My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job,
Didn't see what's going on
But now I know,
I'm better sleeping on my own

'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

And when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from

And I didn't wanna write a song
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care. I don't,
But you still hit my phone up
And, baby, I be movin' on
And I think you should be somethin' I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that

My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job,
Didn't see what's going on
But now I know,
I'm better sleeping on my own

'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

For all the times that you made me feel small
I fell in love. Now I feel nothin' at all
And never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. It's not such a terrible song. And if you want my advice, Mr. Bieber, no, you were not a fool to allow your walls to be broken down. That's the good that comes out of relationships, even those that end -- at least if we manage not to put them back up again...

Send My Love

The beauty who sings this song was profiled in one of the magazines I had the luxury of reading on today's flight to Houston:

This was all you, none of it me
You put your hands on, on my body and told me
Mmm
You told me you were ready
For the big one, for the big jump
I'd be your last love everlasting you and me
Mmm
That was what you told me

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free-ee

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

I was too strong you were trembling
You couldn't handle the hot heat rising (rising)
Mmm
Baby I'm still rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn't keep up, you were falling down (down)
Mmm
Mmm there's only one way down

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free-ee, oh

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

If you're ready, if you're ready
If you're ready, I am ready
If you're ready, if you're ready
We both know we ain't kids no more
No, we ain't kids no more

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free

I think I can honestly say that this true for me: that I'm giving up the ghosts of the past, that I've forgiven myself and the New Englander for our failures, and that I'm ready to see myself as free rather than abandoned or left or grieving.

I don't know what's in store for either one of us, but like Adele, I'm wishing us both well along with any new lovers that come our way:

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

No we ain't...

I See Fire

I finally decided to restart my subscription to the New Yorker. I let it lapse because I was overwhelmed by the issues arriving weekly, and also because, as brave as I was trying to be reading the fiction to myself, it was still breaking my heart a little bit because I used to always read it with the New Englander.

I'm not sure exactly what made me turn the corner, but turn the corner I did. And in today's digital world, as soon as I finished subscribing the issue was waiting for me on my ipad.

One of the things I like about that magazine is that I learn about books and movies and music that I wouldn't otherwise learn about -- like this remix of an Ed Sheeran song by Kygo:

Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin's sons

If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night

Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side

And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time

Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

Oh, should my people fall
Then surely I'll do the same
Confined in mountain halls
We got too close to the flame

Calling out father oh
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out

Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze

I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side

Granted, when I read about it, I did not realize it was a song from one of the Hobbit films, but there you go.

Oh, and I haven't managed to tackle the fiction yet, but I will. I met someone on Tinder recently who was surprised to find that I am both a mountain biker and a New Yorker subscriber -- yep, I said, all in one package. Then he seems to have disappeared, as so many do on that silly dating app that at least for now qualifies as the least egregious of the online dating choices out there!

Everything I Own

This morning on Facebook I happened to see one of those posts that keep me checking Facebook in spite of the fact that I view it, for the most part, as a not very constructive use of my time.

It was posted by someone I never knew well in person -- he was my sister's age (a senior when I was a freshman) -- and I moved with my parents halfway through my freshman year in high school (my sister stayed behind).

He's a musician, and a music editor, and the post today was about working with Jimmy Griffin, from Bread, in the 18 months before he died of cancer.

It was beautiful, and it warmed my heart and made me feel sad all at the same time, just like this song:

You sheltered me from harm

Kept me warm, kept me warm

You gave my life to me

Set me free, set me free

The finest years I ever knew

Were all the years I had with you

And I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again

You taught me how to love

What it's of, what it's of

You never said too much 

But still you showed the way

And I knew from watching you

Nobody else could ever know

The part of me that can't let go

Good thing I've turned a corner in my own grief over losing the man who taught me to love, and taught me what it's of. Good thing I'm so brave. Good thing I can let myself feel what I still inevitably feel when I hear a song like this, a deep wave of sadness, but not let myself get knocked down by it, or feel like I have to stay out of the ocean altogether, as I had been.

Because my friends, feelings aren't facts. So I know that although when I hear lyrics like this, and they feel like the truest thing I've ever known:

And I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again

I know that they are in fact not true for me. I would have given a lot -- I still would -- but not my life, not my heart, and not, at least while my children need it as shelter -- my home.

But I'm going to join with Jimmy on this next verse to say don't, don't, don't take it for granted when you find a great love, 'cause you may lose them one day, and that'll suck:

Is there someone you know

You're loving them so

But taking them all for granted

You may lose them one day

Someone takes them away

And they don't hear the words you long to say

At least for a while. And then you'll turn the corner, as I am, and you will open yourself up for -- as scary as it may be -- finding that kind of love again, with someone new:

I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again

Just to touch you once again

For the Longest Time

Heard this song on my run around the Arboretum yesterday:

Woah, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woah, oh, oh
For the longest
If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

And that last line, in particular really resonated.

It has been such a long time:

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Woah, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woah, oh, oh
For the longest
I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time

No, it hasn't.

Time to press the reset button Universe, and let it happen again:

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for

Yes please.

Send me someone who feels so right, someone who is more than I hoped for:

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for
The longest time

Yes I do, whoever you are!

Unthinkable

When I awoke this morning -- I got to sleep in because my practice partner canceled -- these lyrics were floating through my head:

I'm ready
I'm ready

I wasn't really sure to which song they belonged, but this is my best guess:

Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Who's it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready

And let me tell you, I am loving it that my subconscious is feeling like I'm ready:

I know you said to me
"This is exactly how it should feel when its meant to be"
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gonna do something 'bout it
We should do it right now
(We should do it right now)

That's what I'm saying, Universe -- let's get on with it:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready

I feel ready. I really do...

Life After You

Yesterday something shifted inside me. It's something that has been shifting for a long time, but there was a finality yesterday, a willingness to let go, that I haven't felt before.

It was in some ways a continuation of what I wrote about a couple of days ago -- the rewriting of many, many love songs I hear all the time about NOT letting go when heartbroken about a lost love. They've been my theme song for a long time now, and it's time for that to change.

I think a bunch of things have kept me from moving on, some of which are:

1) A feeling that it's up to me to care for the New Englander, and if I don't do it, no one else will. This is of course the deeply flawed logic of the heart talking, especially since me caring for him didn't change his deep emotional wounds before and it isn't going to work now. I know that he needs to care for himself, and call on his own higher power, and I know now that I can hand that off to my idea of a higher power and greatly increase the odds that he will heal for reals.

2) A feeling that I don't want anything I say or do to deter him from potentially coming back/us getting back together someday. I finally realized that if that were to happen, it would not have anything to do with anything that I am, do or say, and everything to do with his own sense of wholeness, personal agency and worthiness. I don't have that much control, and I'm ready to let go of the thought that I need to do anything, or stop doing anything, in order for that to happen. If it happens, it won't be because of me or my actions, but because things have changed on his end.

3) I just really f*#%ing love him.

Nothing I can do about that last one, and it's time for me to accept that loving him does not mean we'll ever get back together any more than it precludes me from loving someone else.

This year, starting on this first day of the third month, I begin life after the New Englander. It's time. I need to let in all the love around me and stop living in the past.

So Daughtry, while your song title is apropos, I gotta beg to differ with the lyrics of the song I'm choosing to mark this day:

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Yessir, I'm after a life full of laughter, but I no longer think it has to be with a particular person. I'm leaving it wide open now, which I have a funny feeling is going to lead to a much more satisfying outcome.

That's right, Universe, I know there IS life after him.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do

Truer words were never spoken/written: Only god knows what I'd do without him, but I am looking forward to being let in on the secret and I am ready for life after him to begin!