I Can't Fix Us Two

The process of writing a memoir has been so great in terms of seeing myself more clearly. Revisiting the old emails between the New Englander and me, I see a woman who was desperate to fix the man she loved. It's not pretty and I don't like that side of myself, but I can see now that it's where I was: I really believed that I needed to fix him in order for us to make it, which I needed in order to be ok. That might not have actually been true -- it wasn't true -- but it felt true.

It doesn't feel true anymore. I mean I do still feel that in order for the two of us to have a real shot, he would have to address the wounds that keep him from being able to be vulnerable, but my happiness is no longer reliant on the two of us making it. I still love him, I still want him to heal for himself, and if he did, I'd still want to give us another shot, but I also understand that may never happen and I can still live a full life and even fall in love with someone else.

Tonight I went to a meditation class with a teacher I really enjoy - he is also a Reiki practitioner -- and this particular class is about finding a deep experience. And what I found when I visited that deep part of me was the word YES. Yes to receiving, yes to being touched again, yes to love, yes to a guy I met online that I have a good feeling about (if that connection ends up being a positive one)... YES.

It feels like a part of me has been on hold -- in a holding pattern -- for a long time. I was teaching a yoga class this week, and I heard myself talking about letting go of what is no longer serving you, and I just thought "You're so full of shit, Sarah. You tell your students this, but have you let go of what is no longer serving you?"

So tonight I took steps in that direction. I spoke to the New Englander -- who will be 50 tomorrow -- about the ways in which I was unable to hold space for him while we were together in the way that I would want to -- because of my own wounds. I talked to him about the shift I'd experienced from needing him to get better and wanting him to. I listened to him talk about where he is and I let myself really hear what that means, which is basically what my deepest self indicated before that phone call: it's time to say yes to someone else.

As this beautiful song says, I can't fix us two, and that's really ok:

Left you by the phone at half past three
Now it's quarter ‘til and you're not to be seen
Last I saw your face was ten hours gone
And suddenly you're sorry; it's my fault for giving in

You will never love the way you know
You would never love the way you show

Yet I go back to you every chance I get
No matter how soft my skin is from last time you dug real deep
My bones are shaking; I can't do this anymore
I need to stop missing you; I can't fix us two

Left you by my heart, now it's raw and red
I should've said how mad I really was
Told you how I felt, but now it's done
I go to sleep upset; I didn't tell you what I meant

You will never love the way you know
You would never love the way you show

Will we part our ways, it's hard to say
We've come too far to say we just can't stay
It seems we'll always be two
And I'll never quite get you

I don't have to in order to have a full life. I can say YES to the life that's right here in Madison...