Life After You

Yesterday something shifted inside me. It's something that has been shifting for a long time, but there was a finality yesterday, a willingness to let go, that I haven't felt before.

It was in some ways a continuation of what I wrote about a couple of days ago -- the rewriting of many, many love songs I hear all the time about NOT letting go when heartbroken about a lost love. They've been my theme song for a long time now, and it's time for that to change.

I think a bunch of things have kept me from moving on, some of which are:

1) A feeling that it's up to me to care for the New Englander, and if I don't do it, no one else will. This is of course the deeply flawed logic of the heart talking, especially since me caring for him didn't change his deep emotional wounds before and it isn't going to work now. I know that he needs to care for himself, and call on his own higher power, and I know now that I can hand that off to my idea of a higher power and greatly increase the odds that he will heal for reals.

2) A feeling that I don't want anything I say or do to deter him from potentially coming back/us getting back together someday. I finally realized that if that were to happen, it would not have anything to do with anything that I am, do or say, and everything to do with his own sense of wholeness, personal agency and worthiness. I don't have that much control, and I'm ready to let go of the thought that I need to do anything, or stop doing anything, in order for that to happen. If it happens, it won't be because of me or my actions, but because things have changed on his end.

3) I just really f*#%ing love him.

Nothing I can do about that last one, and it's time for me to accept that loving him does not mean we'll ever get back together any more than it precludes me from loving someone else.

This year, starting on this first day of the third month, I begin life after the New Englander. It's time. I need to let in all the love around me and stop living in the past.

So Daughtry, while your song title is apropos, I gotta beg to differ with the lyrics of the song I'm choosing to mark this day:

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Yessir, I'm after a life full of laughter, but I no longer think it has to be with a particular person. I'm leaving it wide open now, which I have a funny feeling is going to lead to a much more satisfying outcome.

That's right, Universe, I know there IS life after him.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do

Truer words were never spoken/written: Only god knows what I'd do without him, but I am looking forward to being let in on the secret and I am ready for life after him to begin!