I'll Be You

So much fun to hit the slopes with these two again!

There's something about skiing that brings on nostalgia for me, big time. Skiing is among my best memories from high school and college, and it has been so much fun to introduce it to my kids. I'm hoping one of these days to get them out West so that they can experience skiing in the mountains, which is ever so much more beautiful and satisfying.

Speaking of nostalgia, skiing reminds all three of us of how fortunate we were to have someone so passionate and skilled at skiing along for the ride for a couple of years there for what we in the Midwest call skiing. Yes, my daughter looks back on the day she spent with the New Englander at the biggest resort she's ever been to (Granite Peak) as one of the best days of her life -- she said so when we hit Cascade today.

I'm glad he could give her that. I'm glad it's a memory she cherishes. But most of all, I am glad the three of us were back out there today, soaking up the experience. A bunch of the runs were "closed" -- but for Archie and her mini me, those signs felt more like suggestions that we just didn't feel like taking. And so we enjoyed a little more powder, a little more adventure, than we otherwise would have, which was awesome.

And now, speaking of nostalgia and awesomeness, this song by The Replacements came on in the car on the way home:

If it's a temporary lull
Why am I bored right outta my skull?
Man, I'm dressin' sharp an' feelin' dull

Lonely, I guess that's where I'm from
If I was from Canada
Then I'd best be called lonesome

And if it's just a game
Then I'll break down just in case
Oh yeah, we're runnin' in our last race

Well, I laughed half the way to Tokyo
I dreamt I was Surfer Joe
An' what that means, I don't know

Here come my favorite lines:

A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
And I'm searching for somethin' to do

If it's just a game
Then we'll hold hands just the same
So what, we're bleeding but we ain't cut

And I could purge my soul perhaps
For the imminent collapse
Oh yeah, I'll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while, I'll be you

A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
Won't you tell me what I should do?

And if it's just a lull
Why am I bored right outta my skull?
Oh yeah, keep me from feeling so dull

And if it's just a game
Then we'll break down just in case
Then again, I'll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while
You be me for a while and I'll be you

Ah yes, perspective taking. It's made for so much more peace between siblings, and so much more contentment for my once-broken heart...

Ceiling Gazing

Here's a holiday tradition I love: the menorah

My first love (who lives in England) sent me the link to this song yesterday. He's been going through some rough stuff with the possible end of his marriage, and I have to admit that when I first heard that I thought, maybe he can come visit and I won't be sleeping alone during the holidays after all!

Ah yes, the holidays. Even the most enlightened among us can long for everything to be picture perfect this time of year, and let's face it, at least in my book, sleeping alone ain't picture perfect.

But that's ok. Because it's not really about being picture perfect, it's about being perfectly present, and I'm doing better at that than ever before.

One of the things I'm realizing, with this greater degree of presence, is how much darkness the men I've loved in the past carry with them. Which is no accident: A wise woman I spoke to last week told me that when I fell for men with gaping wounds, I did it so that it would be ok for me to have a gaping wound. Which makes a ton of sense.

Now that I'm further along in my own healing, I'm ready for a man with more light. But until I'm lying next to him, I'll be just fine doing some ceiling gazing on my own:

Laying in my bed, ceiling gazing
Wide awake with jet-lag from Australia
Got a stack of mail, and a wedding invitation
From a new, young relative I never even knew

Got me thinking about my grandpa for some reason
Met him half a dozen times in a nursing home
The last time I saw him, he was in a box
And they were lowering him into the ground

St. Mary's Church stood so high
It was the first and the last time I saw my dad cry
The ground had a thin coat of snow,
And we wondered off in the cold.

It's 3:47 AM June 13th
It's my sister's birthday today, I think
Gonna give her a call, and see how she's doing
She had a rough divorce, I hope she's improved

I wanna reach out, and give her my love
Put a smile on her face, like when we were young
Listening to records from the library
Hermit of Mink Hollow and Dreamboat Annie

She lives with her daughters, all alone
Across the street from a cornfield in Ohio
One's four, one's seven, and I love them so,
I wanna live a long time, and see them grow.

...with no love beside me, and no dog asleep at my feet:

Outside my window tonight
Sausalito's twinkling lights
My love's beside me, deep asleep
Dog is laying between my feet

... and yet with so much to write in the gratitude journal that I keep next to my bed:

Outside my window tonight
A cargo ship's cruising by
And I'm so happy to be alive
To have these people in my life

The Things I Regret

Selfie with one of the beautiful birthday girls this weekend!

On the way home from practice this morning, I was so happy to hear my girl Brandie belting out this new number:

Ohhhhh ohhhh ohhhh oh-o-oh
Ohhhhh ohhhh ohhhh oh-o-oh

There’s a hole in my pocket where my dreams fell through,
from a sidewalk in the city to the avenue.
There’s a leak in my dam ‘bout the size of a pin,
and I can’t quite remember where the water’s getting in.

But when you’re wearing on your sleeve,
all the things you regret,
you can only remember what you want to forget.
You feel it tugging at your heart,
like the stars overhead,
‘til you rest your bones on the killing bed.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

With the weight of the world resting on my back,
and the road on which I've travelled is as long as it is cracked.
But I keep pressing forward with my feet to the ground,
for a heart that is broken makes a beautiful sound.

I love me some Brandi in general, but that last line really got right to me. I had a call this weekend with a woman who delivered the unsugarcoated truth about where I am in my life and where my work is going forward. And there's a lot of work, some of which I'm really not sure how to go about doing. Like learning to receive, understanding that money is neutral, and finding more of a balance between being in my mind and being in my body.

I feel like I've been working at all of those things, but maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe it's about surrender rather than working? I don't know, but I'm trying not to take my to-do list as an indictment on my current station in this life:

I walk through my days like a ghost in a dream,
but the field carries on and my past follows me.
It’s hard moving on from the things you done wrong,
when they play in your head like an old fashioned song.

But when you’re wearing on your sleeve,
all the things you regret,
you can only remember what you want to forget.

Lonely miles,
without you.

Lonely miles,
without you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.

Let the ground keep my faults.
Let the water be my home.
Let the dust hold my soul,
like a holy rolling stone.

Yeah. Let that happen. Maybe that'll help...

Revelate

Merry Christmas to me -- a Guinness at lunch!

Today I got to meet my old boss and coworker for a Holiday lunch at Brocach. It was so nice to see them both and catch up, plus the food was great and I got to have my favorite (well, at least one of my favorite), Irish beverages, Guinness, with my lunch. What a treat!

Speaking of treats, these irish dudes are definitely one:

My simple slant
This broken chant
My humble fate
My revelate
Are you so far from me this day
That you can't say my revelate

My open arms
My lucky charms
My number eight
My revelate
I fucked it up
I rest my case
Cause it's all to grey
My revelate

Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes it's all too hard to take
Sometimes I need a revelation
This time I'm making my own now
Does this mean we're through
Does this mean it's gone
I spent a day just to ponder the words
That I would write to you this day
But it's all too great, my revelate

Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes it's all too hard to take
Sometimes I need a revelation
This time it's up in arms

This time I need you revelation
Sometimes it's all too much to take
This time I need you revelation
Sometimes it's easy just to hate you
Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes I,sometimes I,

Redeem yourself
Redeem yourself
Redeem yourself

You Make My Dreams

I can't remember if I blogged about it or not, but a few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was in Europe with the first man I've been really drawn to since the New Englander. We were so happy! We were just having the best time, and at the end of the dream we were locked in this huge embrace with the biggest grins on our faces, noses nearly touching.

When I woke up, I felt, for the first time, what it is like to feel so happy and free and in love. This feeling of pure joy was never possible for me before, because truly until the New Englander left and I did all that grieving, I had been hauling sadness around with me wherever I went -- and god knows he brought more than his share of that to the table.

I'm not gonna lie, having this dream about my crush definitely served to magnify my feelings for him. Maybe he was going to be the person with whom I felt that happiness and freedom!? Being around him does make me feel lighter, there is no doubt about that.

But here's what else I know is true: His words don't match his actions, and that's a dealbreaker for me in any relationship. AND he's not ready to be in a romantic relationship, and that's the relationship I want with someone to whom I am attracted.

Talking to one of my healer peeps yesterday, I realized that means that it is best for me to limit my contact with said lovely man. What's the point of being around someone I find so adorable if he's not in a position to adore me right back? There is no point.

My healer also said something really significant for me, which was that the dream came to show me that I both have the capacity for great joy and that I'm ready to embrace it -- that it's in me. So huge! Because that means it isn't necessarily tied to that lovely man to whom I'm energetically drawn but who has very little to give right now. In fact, it means the more I detach from him the more open I am to the real deal, the man who, as Hall and Oates sing it, can make my dreams come true:

What I want you've got
And it might be hard to handle
Like the flame that burns the candle
The candle feeds the flame, yeah, yeah
What I've got's full stock
Of thoughts and dreams that scatter
Then you pull them all together
And how I can't explain
Oh, yeah
Well, well you
(Ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo)
You make my dreams come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)
Well, well, well you
(You-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)
Oh, yeah
You make my dreams come true
(You make my dreams)
Come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)

Yes you do, mystery man. I know it. I've felt it. Can't wait to meet you in real life!

Kansas City

Heard this song on my trip home from Milwaukee yesterday:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

Up super early this morning -- more like middle of the night, really -- I am once again hearing these words (minus the Kansas City bit):

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

And I know the answer. I can't keep singing the same old song. Not anymore. It occurred to me this morning that I have lived this first half (give or take a few years) of my life largely alone. I spent my childhood mostly alone, inside my head, hiding from myself and from everyone I loved the truth about that with which I was living. I had a marriage in which the deeper I went toward myself the further I got from my husband -- not placing blame here -- but it doesn't get much lonelier than that.

And then once I was fully inhabiting mind, body, soul, heart, and I fell in love with the New Englander, I wound up with a man who not only retreated into himself periodically during our relationship but ultimately chose isolation over the vulnerability (and awesomeness) of being with me. During that time, I confused the frequent and fantastic comingling of our bodies as a true comingling of our lives. The latter never really happened.

Oof.

I get it. People are scary. Intimacy is scary. I had to walk the path that I have walked to get to a place in my life where I feel comfortable going down that road -- opening myself up to someone who is really ready to receive me and who has something to give. But that's what I intend to do moving forward:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

Nah, I'm staying right here. But I won't keep singing the same old song...

Boob Spelled Backward is Boob

Today's important event: this girl's birthday!

Ahhh, Facebook. You waster of time. You loyal reminder of life's important events. You sharer of life's sorrows and joys.

Today's song comes from the latter category:

I imagine that I'm floating on a gentle river
I'm moving fast down a waterfall
And I'm falling, falling to my end

Never forget the good things in life
Like candy, life, eating, having fun
Because the end all that matters
All that matters is you

I am dreaming I'm a leaf on a tree

I'm swaying all around in the breeze

But then a crow jumps out and I fall

I get covered in weeds

Never forget the good things in life
Like candy, life, eating, having fun
Because the end all that matters
All that matters is you

Boob spelled backwards is boob
Boob spelled backwards is boob
Boob spelled backwards is boob
It's boob

Yes, Archer (songwriter and son of Mom with breast cancer), it is. You're pretty awesome for writing this song, the musicians who recorded it for you are pretty awesome too, and the most awesome news of all is that your Mom is still with you.

Thanks for deepening my already deep gratitude for the joy and privilege of motherhood. I've had a rich, varied and interesting life so far, but being a Mom is far and away the greatest thing I am and the greatest thing I've ever done...

i

Breathe for Change: Changing the world, one teacher at a time

What a day.

It began with a beautiful Breathe for Change workshop, which felt a little bittersweet because I made the decision yesterday to let go of my work with that organization for right now in order to make space for work with a salary commensurate with both my experience and my needs.

So that was a big deal.

And then what was supposed to be a practice session at my house with my favorite student turned into a conversation on the couch about being single parents, divorce, what I'm going to do with my life, our relationship, sex, exes, fantasies -- all the good stuff was in there.

It was about as satisfying as a conversation can be with someone who you kinda wish would just crawl in bed with you but in some ways you're just as willing to settle for a really satisfying hug at the door because you know damn well he's not in a place to love you right now.

You know?

And the day was capped off by a really awesome 7th grade concert tonight put on by my very own 7th grader and her classmates. The band sounded great, the orchestra sounded good, and the choir was awesome.

This song was one of the choral numbers tonight, and one of, though not the only, songs that made me cry today:

I done been through a whole lot
Trials and tribulations, but I know God
Satan wanna put me in a bow-tie
Praying that the holy water don't go dry, yeah yeah
As I look around me
So many motherfuckers wanna down me
But ain't no nigga never drown me
In front of a dirty double-mirror they found me

I didn't grow up in the ghetto, but I done been through a whole lot too. And I'm grateful for all of it, especially my good fortune to emerge, just like kendrick lamar, loving myself:

And I love myself
(The world is a ghetto with guns and picket signs)
I love myself
(But it can do what it want whenever it wants and I don't mind)
I love myself
(He said I gotta get up, life is more than suicide)
I love myself
(One day at the time, sun gone shine)

Hey Hey My My

This morning in the car on my way to practice, this song came on:

Hey, hey, my, my
Rock and roll can never die
There's more to the picture than meets the eye
Hey, hey, my, my

Out of the blue and into the black
You pay for this, but they give you that
And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black

The king is gone but he's not forgotten
Is this the story of the Johnny Rotten?
It's better to burn out 'cause rust never sleeps
The king is gone but he's not forgotten

Hey, hey, my, my
Rock and roll can never die
There's more to the picture than meets the eye

And I just felt so grateful to be living in this world with Neil Young, so happy when I heard his voice coming through my speakers.

Then I got to the studio and we had a record breaking group practicing today -- it felt so great. I feel so lucky to have found this path from surviving to thriving, and so grateful to be able to share it with others...

Last Christmas

The godmother of spilling

Tonight I had the good fortune of gathering with some amazing women at an amazing house to spill -- or write what was on our minds and hearts as prompted by our fearless leader (pictured at left in her evergreen boa).

The first time I joined the group was two months ago, and I was struck by how much more freedom and poetry they all had in their writing. I took a month off, and when I returned, I was determined to find a little more freedom myself.

In some ways I managed -- I didn't use my computer this time, I used good old fashioned pen and paper -- but I was pretty bummed when the lovely writing prompts (from the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed) led me to the well-worn topic of my heartbreak at the departure of the New Englander.

This is what I wrote:

"it isn't so much that i look for you,
but that i find you.
i find you in the expected places --
the trails we rode together, the parks where we camped, the bed where we slept...
and i'm ok with that
i'm prepared for those memories
i've practiced those tears
i know where they'll fall

it's when i find you where we haven't been
where we didn't get to go

that's when the idea of a second heart
a heart that doesn't have to forget you
a heart that's never met you
starts to seem like
my only path to freedom."

I cried while I was writing it, I cried while I was reading it. I thought by now I'd be past this point, but it seems, I'm not. So I'm just going to try to be gentle with myself.

And while I work on that, I'm gonna listen to Wham:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognize me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore him apart
Maybe next year,
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
Special, someone, someone
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special

Who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone, hold my heart and watch it burn

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
I thought you were here to stay
How can love be for a day?
I thought you were someone special, gave you my heart

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
You gave it away
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

...special.

Yes.

I.

Will.

Baby I Need Your Lovin'

Alexandria, VA: Some see cobblestones, I see hearts

Ahhhhhh travel. It never fails to give me a new perspective.

At my massage the other day, the therapist told me that the man I've been crushing on is emotionally unavailable.

To some degree, I think she's projecting, and to some degree, I think she's right.

But it wasn't until I got on an airplane yesterday that I could really feel that she was right and what's more, that it didn't matter, because there's no scarcity of people to love (and be loved by) out there.

There I was, seated next to this handsome young hottie, and it was all I could do not to move on over into his lap. There's something about being that close to an attractive man that brings out the part of me that really, really, wants and need physical contact from the opposite sex.

Sing it Four Tops:

Baby, I need your lovin'
Baby, I need your lovin'
Although you're never near
Your voice I often hear
Another day, 'nother night
I long to hold you tight
'Cause I'm so lonely

Baby, I need your lovin'
Got to have all your lovin'
Baby I need your lovin'
Got to have all you lovin'

Some say it's a sign of weakness
For a man to beg
Then weak I'd rather be
If it means having you to keep
'Cause lately I've been losing sleep

Baby, I need your lovin'
Got to have all your lovin'
Baby I need your lovin'
Got to have all you lovin'

Lonely nights echo your name
Oh, sometimes I wonder
Will I ever be the same?
Oh yeah! When you see me smiling
You know things have gotten worse
Any smile you might see has all been rehearsed
Darling, I can't go on without you
This emptiness won't let me live without you
This loneliness inside, darling
Makes me feel half alive

Baby, I need your lovin'
Got to have all your lovin'
Baby I need your lovin'
Got to have all you lovin'
Baby, I need your lovin'
Got to have all your lovin'

I really do got to, and here's what this trip to Alexandria has taught me: I don't need to fixate on one person to satisfy those needs. All I have to do is know that I can draw the love to me that I am ready and willing to give.

That and, as I learned in my yoga class this morning, I need to find the balance between an open heart and a strong back. Both are needed for health and happiness, physically and emotinally...

Growing Up

A girl's gotta have a new lid for a Wisco winter!

Heard this song in the car today after my massage:

They say boys don't cry
But your dad has shed a lot of tears
They say I should be a strong man
But baby, I'm still filled with fear
Sometimes I don't know who I am
Sometimes I question why I'm here
I just wanna be a good dad
Will I be I have no idea
They say girls shouldn't be tough
And moms should raise their kids at home
But baby, I know that that isn't true
'Cause your momma's the toughest person I know
I wanna raise you to be like her
And watch you show the world how to do it on your own
I'm still tryna figure out who I am
I don't wanna mess this up or do this wrong
I'm gonna be there for your first breath
I don't know if I'll be there for your first step
I can promise you that I'll try to work less
But the tour's routed, and I got this album
Put in so many hours, and I just want the outcome
To be something that I can look back and I can be proud of
Don't wanna be a dad that's living in FaceTime
But I've got a world to sing to and you at the same time
I won't spoil you, you can trust that
For your sweet sixteen, you get a bus pass
Had your heart broken, been there, done that
I love you and I can't give you enough of that
Get back to community that raised you up
Read Langston Hughes, I suggest A Raisin in the Sun
Listen to Sam Cooke, a change gon' come
You put the work in, don't worry about the praise, my love
Don't try to change the world, find something that you love
And do it every day
Do that for the rest of your life
And eventually, the world will change

I'll be patient, one more month
You'll wrap your fingers round my thumb
Times are changing, I know, but who am I if
I'm the person you become
If I'm still growing up, up, up, up
I'm still growing up, up, up, up
I'm still growing up

Which seemed apropos given that the massage therapist was talking about being the age she is and still having so much she hasn't quite figure out. She said it like it was a problem, but I reckon that's the point, to keep trying to figure it out:

I recommend that you read The Alchemist
Listen to your teachers, but cheat in calculus
Tell the truth, regardless of the consequence
And every day, give your momma a compliment
Take your girl to the prom
But don't get too drunk hanging out the limo
Slow dance with your woman in your arms
Sneak her in after but boy, you better tiptoe
Don't wake your mom up,do yoga, learn 'bout karma
Find God, but leave the dogma
The quickest way to happiness learning to be selfless
Ask more questions, talk about yourself less
Study David Bowie, James Baldwin and 2Pac
Watch the sun set with best friends from a rooftop
Wear a helmet, don't be stupid,jaywalk, but look before you do it
If it snows, go outside, build a jump, get some help
Get a sled, thrash the hill with your friends, 'til it melts
Go to festivals, camp, fall in love and dance
You're only young once, my loved one, this is your chance
Take risks, 'cause life moves so fast
You're only young once, my loved one, this is your chance

I'll be patient, one more month
You'll wrap your fingers round my thumb
Times are changing, I know, but who am I
If I'm the person you become
If I'm still growing up, up, up, up
I'm still growing up, up, up, up

It's been a while since my babies were young enough to wrap their fingers around my thumb. I miss those days, there's no doubt that I do, but I'm grateful, so grateful for the fine young people that they are, and I look forward to the day that their babies will wrap their fingers around my thumb:

I'll be patient, one more month
You'll wrap your fingers round my thumb
Times are changing, I know, but who am I
If I'm the person you become
If I'm still growing up, still growing up, still growing up
If I'm still growing up, still growing up, still growing up

Even if, even then:

If I'm still growing up
I'm still growing up, ooh
I'm still growing up
I'm still growing up

All Things Bright and Beautiful

Feels good to stand for something I believe in!

Today didn't start off that awesome, but it just kept getting better. It started turning around when I went for a run with a friend -- and the sun even came out for a bit of our run.

But mostly, I just really enjoyed spending time with my kids today. They helped me make this photo to post to Facebook for giving Tuesday, willingly helped out with housework and pet care, were engaging at dinner without me having to pry, and created an obstacle course for our after dinner entertainment!

I am so grateful for this time with my kids, especially now that I can feel that in not too long a time, they will go off to college.

So today's song about appreciating life is one from my childhood. It's religious, which my upbringing sorta was and sorta wasn't (Mom=Episcopalian, Dad=Atheist):

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.

Each little flower that opens,
each little bird that sings,
God made their glowing colors,
and made their tiny wings.

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.

The purple-headed mountains,
the river running by,
the sunset and the morning
that brightens up the sky.

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.

The cold wind in the winter,
the pleasant summer sun,
the ripe fruits in the garden:
God made them every one.

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things wise and wonderful:
the Lord God made them all.

I'm indeed grateful for all things bright and beautiful, but most of all, I'm grateful for the two magical creatures I made myself (with a little help from their father, of course)!