Last Christmas

The godmother of spilling

Tonight I had the good fortune of gathering with some amazing women at an amazing house to spill -- or write what was on our minds and hearts as prompted by our fearless leader (pictured at left in her evergreen boa).

The first time I joined the group was two months ago, and I was struck by how much more freedom and poetry they all had in their writing. I took a month off, and when I returned, I was determined to find a little more freedom myself.

In some ways I managed -- I didn't use my computer this time, I used good old fashioned pen and paper -- but I was pretty bummed when the lovely writing prompts (from the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed) led me to the well-worn topic of my heartbreak at the departure of the New Englander.

This is what I wrote:

"it isn't so much that i look for you,
but that i find you.
i find you in the expected places --
the trails we rode together, the parks where we camped, the bed where we slept...
and i'm ok with that
i'm prepared for those memories
i've practiced those tears
i know where they'll fall

it's when i find you where we haven't been
where we didn't get to go

that's when the idea of a second heart
a heart that doesn't have to forget you
a heart that's never met you
starts to seem like
my only path to freedom."

I cried while I was writing it, I cried while I was reading it. I thought by now I'd be past this point, but it seems, I'm not. So I'm just going to try to be gentle with myself.

And while I work on that, I'm gonna listen to Wham:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognize me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special (special)

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore him apart
Maybe next year,
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
Special, someone, someone
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special

Who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone, hold my heart and watch it burn

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
I thought you were here to stay
How can love be for a day?
I thought you were someone special, gave you my heart

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
You gave it away
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

...special.

Yes.

I.

Will.