All Out of Love

Sometimes the Universe has a way of sending us a louder message if we've been conveniently ignoring the softer ones, and tonight, it had a helluva lot to say that I couldn't ignore any longer.

Alone at home, watching some United States of Tara, I marveled as I saw Max and Tara singing this classic as an impromptu duet:

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone

Thinking of you till it hurts

I know you hurt too but what else can we do

Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile and my heart

For times when my life feels so low

It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring

When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you

I know you were right believing for so long

I'm all out of love, what am I without you

I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home

Away from this long lonely nights

I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too

Does the feeling seem oh so right

And what would you say if I called on you now

And said that I can't hold on

There's no easy way, it gets harder each day

Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Couldn't really be a more a perfect expression of where I am tonight. Thanks, Air Supply!

Amie

So many great moments yesterday on our road trip/cross country ski adventure/burgers and beers date, but I think my favorite was on the way home, when we heard this song, and my man altered the lyrics just slightly, belting out:

Archie, what you want to do?

I think that I could stay with you

For a while maybe longer if I do

Loved it! Love him! But hoping we can avoid the falling out of love part...

(You may also want to check out this sweet cover by the Counting Crows)

Breakeven

Day 2 of blaring internal music, and this time it's these lyrics I keep hearing:

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you...

I object to these lyrics - that is, I believe that others can bring out the best in us but not that they are the best part of us -- but maybe that's just semantics.

I think I'm going to dedicate this song to a friend who is going through a divorce, and struggling with letting go. Few things are harder to deal with:

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame.

Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh

Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break

No it don't break

No it don't break even no

I think it's probably true that the heart doesn't break even, but I also think it is true that we are here to learn particular lessons, and when we choose to avoid them when they present themselves, they just come around again.

Small consolation for dealing with being the one with the (perceived) bigger half of the broken heart, but I think those of us who try to take responsibility deserve to get some credit for it...

Brilliant Disguise

After a break in the action, the internal jukebox went full volume this morning with this selection:

I hold you in my arms as the band plays

What are those words whispered baby just as you turn away

I saw you last night out on the edge of town

I wanna read your mind and know just what I've got in this new thing I've found

So tell me what I see when I look in your eyes

Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise

I heard somebody call your name from underneath our willow

I saw something tucked in shame underneath your pillow

Well I've tried so hard baby but I just can't see

What a woman like you is doing with me

So tell me what I see when I look in your eyes

Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise

It was those last four lines in particular that I kept hearing. Not sure exactly why, but in my opinion this song really lays out a lot of the fears that come up in a relationship -- including the fear that we're not worthy or deserving. Whether we know it or not, whether we are willing to admit it or not, we all have that fear.

And I think it's that fear that causes me to enter the mode the Boss articulates on the first line of the next verse:

Now look at me baby struggling to do everything right

And then it all falls apart when out go the lights

Im just a lonely pilgrim I walk this world in wealth

I want to know if it's you I don't trust cause I damn sure don't trust

Myself

I, on the other hand, do trust myself, especially in my best moments, when I remember who I really am, when I'm authentically me, and not just playing a role as described in this next verse:

Now you play the loving woman I'll play the faithful man

But just don't look too close into the palm of my hand

We stood at the alter the gypsy swore our future was right

But come the wee wee hours maybe baby the gypsy lied

So when you look at me you better look hard and look twice

Is that me baby or just a brilliant disguise

It's me baby. Look in my eyes...

Broken Butterflies

So many songs I thought about selecting to mark this hallowed day, but then the ipod dialed this one up, which was especially welcome because it put words to the frustration I've been feeling with some angry, negative coworkers:

You wear your anger well and stand

For all the world to see

A heavy cloak and one gloved hand

And no humility

You stand inside the garden

And feast on black cherries

And swallow the manna from heaven

And spit out the seeds

You spread your anger on sharp-edged knives

Cut my skin and make it bleed

Like pilate in his self righteousness

You're a traitor and a thief

Choking on your unplanned words

Coughing up your lies

Tumbling from your mouth a flurry

Of broken butterflies

But the blood that flows I cannot hide

That blood that covers me

Nourishes the butterflies

And they are healed and are set free

I wish you had what Ruth possessed

But then I don't expect that of you

Grace and honor and faithfulness

And the love that you refuse

Will you ever learn to just forgive

Will you open your beautiful eyes

And bleed the way Christ did

And fix the broken butterflies

I know, I know. The lyrics are a bit biblical and a lot dramatic, but they carry a clear message that I am definitely wanting to send: forgiveness, love, truth, humility -- those are the qualities that Martin Luther King Jr. embodied and the ones I try to emulate, and I want to be around people who are at least trying to do the same...

United States of Tara theme

A coworker recommended United States of Tara to me, based on my love of Six Feet Under, my favorite television series of all time.

The premise is a little wacky -- Tara has multiple personality disorder and goes off her meds to get herself back -- which I can only peripherally relate to having once been dulled by antidepressants and now back to 100% Sarahness. But I really like the show (I watch it on my laptop since I don't have a TV), and its theme song is awesome:

Open up the sky this mess is getting high

It’s windy and our family needs a ride

I know we’ll be just fine when we learn to love the ride

I know we’ll be fine when we learn to love the ride

I know we’ll be just fine when we learn to love the ride

I'm working on learning to love the ride myself, and most of the time I do pretty well, butknowing I'll be just fine while learning to love the ride -- I might still be a little shy of that...

Joey

The lyrics from this song have been playing over and over again in my head over the last few days. Although the song is, I believe, about being in love with an alcoholic, if you ignore the references to Joey being drunk and passed out on the floor (I've put those parts in parentheses below), what you're left with is a spot-on anthem for all of us out there who've been wounded in love and are back at it, giving it another shot:

And if I seem to be confused

I didn't mean to be with you.

And when you said I scared you,

Well I guess you scared me too.

But if its love you're looking for

Then I can give a little more

(And if you're somewhere drunk and

passed out on the floor.

Oh Joey,) I'm not angry anymore.

In any relationship, being willing to let go of the anger and being willing to give a little more are what we have to do for love to work its magic. The first verse (pasted out of order here since this wasn't the part I was hearing inside my head) is full of other great nuggets about how we're all in pain, we all put up walls, we all make choices about what to talk to our lovers about and what to keep inside:

(Joey, baby - don't get crazy)

Detours. Fences... I get defensive

I know you've heard it all before -

So I don't say it anymore

I just stand by and let you

Fight your secret war.

And though I used to wonder why -

I used to cry till I was dry.

Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside

(Oh, Joey,) if you're hurting so am I.

And the best that we can hope for, I reckon, is that our loves help by making our wars with ourselves a lot less secretive and little less violent, and that when we get that strange pain inside as we're all going to from time to time, our lover will be there to provide comfort and compassion, which is all we really need to make it through.

It is tempting sometimes to get focused on getting to a space with no internal battles and no strange pains, and even sometimes to wonder whether another partner would afford us that possibility, but ultimately that's not realistic. And since that is the case, resting in the knowledge that I've got someone here ready to give and receive comfort and compassion in the face of painful stuff feels like more than enough. Especially since I've also got wonderful friends who are willing and able to provide comfort and compassion too...

Rocketeer

Last night we had the pleasure of attending my son's first middle school concert. One of the things I love about him going to a public school is all the diversity. The concert featured all the sixth graders -- choir, band (in which he plays percussion) and orchestra -- and as usual, it was the choral numbers that I didn't make it through dry eyed. Those young people with those great big voices! So beautiful.

Here's one of the songs they sang:

Here we go, come with me

There's a world out there that we should see

Take my hand, close your eyes

With you right here, I'm a rocketeer

Let's fly

Up, up here we go, go

Up, up here we go, go

Let's fly

Up, up here we go, go

Where we stop nobody knows, knows

I'm really proud of how well he is doing transitioning from his small, private school to this great big public middle school. There is a world out there that he should see -- and is now getting to see -- some of it isn't pretty, but I can't protect him from it forever. My hope is that he already knows how to fly, I just have to be willing to let him go...

Oh Sherrie

Riding home on the path today on my way to pick up my kids, I passed a man in an electric wheelchair.

On the front of his wheelchair was a basket, and in the basket was a boom box, and blaring out of that boom box was this classic from Steve Perry:

You should've been gone

Knowing how I made you feel

And I should've been gone

After all your words of steel

Oh, I must've been a dreamer

And I must've been someone else

And we should've been over

Oh, Sherrie, our love

Holds on, holds on

Oh, Sherrie, our love

Holds on, holds on...

Thanks for the on-the-commute tune, mister!

Turn Me On

Another bonus track from ipod shuffle tonight -- this one's also quiet, but its lyrics aren't quite so bleak:

stripped as you are you come to me

i won't deny you anything

while you need it

when you need it

i'm a faucet

i'm a faucet

i'm a faucet

I like the concept of being a faucet. There's a lot of possibility there -- a lot of range -- temperature, water pressure -- it's not just on or off. I reckon I am like a faucet, and a lot of the time I can be turned on, -- by myself, or by others -- but not always. So the lyric "I won't deny you anything while you need it when you need it" isn't wh0lly accurate - cause I can only give it when I have it to give. I can give it when I'm not feeling it, as I did in my first marriage all the time, but now I know it ultimately ends up costing me too much, so I don't go down that road anymore. Probably not coincidentally, I much more often find myself in the on position these days:

when its hard to face the fear

that i won't find you anywhere

will you find me

recognise me

stay beside me

stay beside me

...and I reckon that's partly as a result of being found, recognized and stood beside time after time with my man:

you're the velvet in my mouth

you i cannot be without

you make it so good

make it so good

love is so good

It sure is. There are so many juicy nuggets in these lyrics, but perhaps the most notable for me are the last two lines:

when it comes and you give it back

and you give it back

I just get so much out of the love I give to my man these days. When I didn't have it to give, but went through the motions, I really wasn't giving it back. Sure glad I'm in the position to do so now...

Tonight

I was feeling unsettled when we crawled into bed tonight, so I put the ipod on shuffle and waited to see what showed up. As usual, hearing a tune by Low didn't really make me feel less unsettled, except to help name a part of what was going on inside me (and maybe my man too since I rarely sleep alone these days):

trying to keep time

closer than we like

memories still lie

tonight

faces of the day

pressed up to your spine

blessings still to come

tonight

tonight

precious things unsaid

as the night begins

who will hang his head

tonight

tonight

tonight

Mostly, things are great with us, but from time to time, shit comes up. My shit, his shit, and maybe every once in a while our shit, but the latter doesn't ever stick around long. I think that's because we do a really great job of communicating about it when it does, and also because we're emotionally savvy enough at this point to be able to differentiate the different shit that inevitably comes up...

Never let me go

My man and I watched an eerily powerful sci-fi movie tonight about such disturbing things as creating clones for the express purpose of harvesting organs. Not an upper, mind you, but an interesting film with great acting and a lovely song at its center:

Darling,

Hold me,

Hold me,

Hold meeeeee,

And never (never),

Never (never),

Never (never),

Let me gooooo

Darling,

Kiss me,

Kiss me,

Kiss meeeeee,

And never (never),

Never (never),

Never (never),

Let me gooooo

Mark my heart

Throw away the key

Fill my love with ecstasy

Bind my heart

With your warm embrace

And tell me,

No one

Will ever take my place

Darling,

Tell me,

Tell me,

Tell meeeee

You'll never, never, never...

I don't believe I ever will!