Where have all the cowboys gone

Still in recovery mode from time spent with my family of origin, I tried to shift gears and get ready to go out to ring in the New Year. At the very least, I was excited to have a new dress to wear, and this tune came to me in my preparatory shower:

Why don't you stay the evening

Kick back and watch the TV

And I'll fix a little something to eat

Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor

How do you take your coffee my sweet

I will raise the children if you pay all the bills

Where is my John Wayne

Where is my prairie son

Where is my happy ending

Where have all the cowboys gone

I am wearing my new dress tonight

But you don't, but you don't even notice me

Say our goodbyes...

Kind of a downer, right? Lucky for me, I'm capable of raising the children and paying the bills, the cowboy is inside me, my man does notice me, and the only thing I'm saying goodbye to is 2011!

Wonderwall

This song was in my head as I was coming back from a trip up north to the cabin, heading back to my very own Oasis, my man. I'd had access to him on the phone in a couple of tough moments, and that helped, but it just ain't the same as his physical presence:

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall...

Without You

Anyone else sick of this song? I hear it ALL THE TIME on the radio, and it also seems to be a gym-class staple. Enough already!

I can't win, I can't reign

I will never win this game

Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,

I will never be the same

Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly

I will never make it by

Without you, without you

I can't rest, I can't fight

All I need is you and I

Without you

Without you

Oh, oh, oh!

You! You! You!

Without

You! You! You!

Without you

Can't erase, so I'll take blame

But I can't accept that we're estranged

Without you, without you

I can't quit now, this can't be right

I can't take one more sleepless night

Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb

If you're not here, I'm paralyzed

Without you, without you

I can't look, I'm so blind

I lost my heart, I lost my mind

Without you

I think I recall liking it when I first heard it, but it just isn't standing up to the overplayed test. Few songs do...

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Both of my kids are now officially Santa Claus skeptics, just like their Dad (and there is a connection there).

But I still insist on trying to keep the magic alive, despite their protests, and nothing could've made me happier than hearing, early Christmas morning, these words come out of my 11-year old's mouth when he thought no one was listening:

"He came!"

Damn right he did, as promised by the Boss:

You better watch out

You better not cry

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list

And checking it twice;

Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake!

O! You better watch out!

You better not cry

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Thanks for stopping at our house, Santa, despite the resident skeptics! We're so glad you did!

Starwood in Aspen

This song has been floating in and out of my consciousness for the past few days now. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe because the holidays make me feel nostalgic, maybe because I'm grateful to have my most cherished loved ones with me for Christmas this year, and maybe because I'm keenly aware that one of my most cherished loved ones is wishing our home was Starwood in Aspen rather than Madison, Wis.:

It's a long way from LA to Denver

It's a long time to hang in the sky

It's a long way home to Starwood in Aspen

A sweet Rocky Mountain paradise

Oh, my sweet Rocky Mountain paradise

Springtime is rollin' 'round slowly

Grey skies are bringin' me down

I can't remember when I've ever been so lonely

I forgot what it's like to be home

Can't remember what it's like to be home

But I think on my lady's sweet memories

I think on my children's sweet smiles

I think on my home in Starwood in Aspen

All my friends and the snow covered hills

Oh, my friends are the snow covered hills

And I tell you I'm happy to be here

To share and consider this time

For I see here the shadows of changes

And a feeling of new friends to find

And I see here some new friends to find

But it's a long way from this place to Denver

It's a long time to hang in the sky

It's a long way home to Starwood in Aspen

A sweet Rocky Mountain paradise

Oh, my sweet Rocky Mountain paradise

Luckily, one of the things under the tree for him this year is a trip to that sweet Rocky Mountain paradise...

Santa Baby

We listened to A Very Special Christmas while putting up the tree this year, and my boyfriend and I were trying to remember who sang this song -- I thought it was Cyndi Lauper, he thought it was Madonna -- he was right:

Santa Baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me.

been an awful good girl, Santa baby,

so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa baby, a 54 convertible too,

Light blue.

I'll wait up for you dear,

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I've missed,

Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed,

Next year I could be just as good,

If you'll check off my Christmas list,

Santa baby, I wanna yacht,

And really that's not a lot,

Been an angel all year,

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, there's one thing I really do need,

The deed

To a platinum mine,

Santa honey, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex,

And checks.

Sign your 'X' on the line,

Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and trim my Christmas tree,

With some decorations bought at Tiffany's,

I really do believe in you,

Let's see if you believe in me,

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,

A ring.

I don't mean on the phone,

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,

Hurry down the chimney tonight,

Hurry, tonight.

We both think this song is insipid and obnoxious, but dang, have a lot of people covered it! If you're not already sick of hearing it, check a few more versions including Eartha Kitt's original and a sultry version by Shakira.

Never Surrender

This old fave was playing on the internal jukebox this morning for no apparent reason, but when I looked it up on youtube and found Corey talking about judging a day by its gifts, I sure was grateful for him and his amazing song:

Just a little more time is all we're askin' for

'Cause just a little more time could open closin' doors

Just a little uncertainty can bring you down

And nobody wants to know you now

And nobody wants to show you how

So if you're lost and on your own

You can never surrender

And if your path won't lead you home

You can never surrender

And when the night is cold and dark

You can see, you can see light

'Cause no one can take away your right

To fight and to never surrender

With a little perseverance you can get things done

Without the blind adherence that has conquered some

And nobody wants to know you now

And nobody wants to show you how...

...Stand your ground, never surrender...

Redemption Song

Today's blog post is inspired by a funny little exchange with my daughter.

My boyfriend's friend is writing a book with what I think is a very catchy title: "Freedom is just a fart away." When I ever so uncharacteristically passed gas this morning, my daughter responded with: "Gross Mom!" and I answered her by telling her about the book title. She looked at me quizzically, and then giggled a little. Later in the day, she too broke wind, but instead of being embarrassed as she has been in the past, she recited the book title too: "Freedom is just a fart away," and snickered. I reckon this author is on to something with that theme of liberation. Even if the redemption of which he writes is a bit less complete than this beautiful Bob is wailing about, it's no less important:

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery

None but ourselves can free our minds

Have no fear for atomic energy

'Cause none of them can stop the time

How long shall they kill our prophets

While we stand aside and look? Ooh

Some say it's just a part of it

We've got to fullfil the book

Won't you help to sing

These songs of freedom?

'Cause all I ever have

Redemption songs

Never Again

Walking around with a band-aid on my face brings up some interesting feelings. One of the main ones is wondering what other people (the ones who don't ask) assume happened, particularly with the area under my eye swollen. It made me wonder what it must be like for abused women, which led me to this heart-wrenching song:

He's drunk again, it's time to fight

She must have done something wrong tonight

The living room becomes a boxing ring

It's time to run when you see him

Clenching his hands

She's just a woman

Never Again

I hear her scream, from down the hall

Amazing she can even talk at all

She cries to me, Go back to bed

I'm terrified that she'll wind up

Dead in his hands, She's just a woman

Never Again

Been there before, but not like this

Seen it before, but not like this

Never before have I ever

Seen it this bad

She's just a woman

Never Again

Just tell the nurse, you slipped and fell

It starts to sting as it starts to swell

She looks at you, she wants the truth

It's right out there in the waiting room

With those hands

Lookin just as sweet as he can

Never Again

Seen it before, but not like this

Been there before, but not like this

Never before have I ever

Seen it this bad

She's just a woman

Never Again

Father's a name you haven't earned yet

You're just a child with a temper

Haven't you heard "Don't hit a lady"?

Kickin' your ass would be a pleasure

He's drunk again, it's time to fight

Same old shit, just on a different night

She grabs the gun, she's had enough

Tonight she'll find out how fucking

Tough is this man

Pulls the trigger as fast as she can

Never Again

Contemplating this depressing, all-too-common scene, I'm once again grateful that I'm just dealing with a little highly curable skin cancer...

Angel

After spending a ton of time yesterday eradicating lice, I was feeling a little woe is me on this morning's drive to an appointment to have the basal cell carcinoma removed from my nose. Skin cancer, lice -- enough already!

And then I heard this beautiful song playing in the background while a mother told the story of her child dying of cancer, and it was right back to the gratitude attitude for me:

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance,

For a break that would make it okay.

There's always some reason

To feel not good enough,

And it's hard, at the end of the day.

I need some distraction,

Oh, beautiful release.

Memories seep from my veins.

Let me be empty,

Oh, and weightless,

And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.

In the arms of the angel,

Fly away from here,

From this dark, cold hotel room,

And the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage,

Of your silent reverie.

You're in the arms of the angel,

May you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line,

And everywhere you turn,

There's vultures and thieves at your back.

The storm keeps on twisting.

Keep on building the lies

That you make up for all that you lack.

It don't make no difference,

Escape one last time.

It's easier to believe in this sweet madness,

Oh, this glorious sadness,

That brings me to my knees...

Bugs

Unfortunately, the first few lines of this song are reflective of my reality today:

I got bugs

I got bugs in my room

Bugs in my bed

Bugs in my ears

Their eggs in my head

Yep, my son, my daughter and I all have lice. Yuck! Why else would I choose this song -- maybe the worst ever by one of my favorite bands of all time?

I Want Your Sex

I was driving my son to school bright and early this morning, when we were serenaded by these explicit lyrics:

I want your sex

I want your love

I want your.. sex

No euphemisms, no beating around the bush (double entendre intended) here -- George just lays it out there for all to hear. Luckily, we were both too tired to be too embarrassed by the moment. I made a mental note about a blog possibility, and then I heard this song AGAIN later in the same day!

It's natural

It's chemical (let's do it)

It's logical

Habitual (can we do it?)

It's sensual

But most of all...

Sex is something we should do

Sex is something for me and you

Sex is natural - sex is good

Not everybody does it

But everybody should

Sex is natural - sex is fun

Sex is best when it's... One on one

One on one

And then I knew it had to be my blog song for today. Plus, I was just saying to my boyfriend, when enjoying our closeness, "everyone deserves to be touched like this."

C-c-c-c-come on!

Glycerine

Heard this song driving in the car with my man, and we both had the urge to pump up the volume:

It must be your skin I'm sinking in

Must be for real 'cause now I can feel

And I didn't mind, it's not my kind

It's not my time to wonder why

Everything's gone white and everything's gray

Now you're here, now you're away

I don't want this, remember that

I'll never forget where you're at

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine

I don't know why this song is called Glycerine, or what that means, but I do know that its overall message really resonates with me, which I basically take to be regret about one's own behavior after a break-up, with a little vitriol about the other person's behavior thrown in for good measure. After all, it takes two, baby!

I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time

Are you at one or do you lie

We live in a wheel where everyone steals

But when we rise, it's like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad, you bruise my face

Couldn't love you more, you got a beautiful taste

Don't let the days go by

Could have been easier on you

I couldn't change though I wanted to

Should have been easier by three

Our old friend 'Fear' and you and me

Glycerine, Glycerine

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine

Glycerine, Glycerine

Bad mood whine again

Bad mood whine again

As she falls around me

I needed you more when we wanted us less

I could not kiss, just regress

It might just be clear, simple and plain

Well, that's just fine, that's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by

Could have been easier on you, you, you...

Boys of Summer

Forgot to pack my shades for my quick trip to Florida -- and although Tampa disappoints with its lack of beach (45 minutes to sand!?), there's no lack of sunshine. So, on a break from the conference, I hit the shops and scored a pair of wayfarers.

Running back to my hotel (yes, I packed exercise and shopping into my break -- I'm good like that), I heard Don Henley's voice inside my head:

A little voice inside my head said,

"Don't look back. You can never look back."

I thought I knew what love was,

what did I know?

Those days are gone forever

I should just let them go but

I can see you

Your brown skin shinin' in the sun

You got that hair slicked back and those

wayfarers on, baby

I can tell you my love for you will still be strong

after the boys of summer have gone...

I'm Not Perfect

Had a nice chat with my friend this morning -- I am in Tampa (for work), she is in Queens -- about the drive for perfection and how hard we can sometimes be on ourselves when we don't meet our own impossible standards. This made me think about a children's song that my babydaddy and I used to listen to and sing to our young son. It's a lovely song about not being perfect, and I can almost feel the relief I felt when we would sing this song. I spent so much of my marriage worrying that if I wasn't perfect, I wouldn't be loved. What a waste!

As Laurie says:

I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok to be exactly what I am… not perfect. This song helps a lot. It would have been nice to realize it when I was a lot younger.

I'm not perfect, no I'm not

I'm not perfect, but I've got what I've got

I do my very best, I do my very best

I do my very best each day

But I'm not perfect

And I hope you like me that way

We're not perfect…

You're not perfect, not you're not

You're not perfect, but you've got what you've got

You do your very best, you do your very best

You do your very best each day

But you're not perfect

And you know

I love you that way

Already Gone

Standing at the sink this morning with no audible music playing, I heard these lyrics loud and clear:

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains

And we never even know we have the key

Check out this sweet video -- the Eagles are cooler than I thought -- the fros are proof!

Here's to breaking the chains, particularly the ones we place around ourselves...

Hunger Strike

Woke up this morning hearing this song on repeat on the internal ipod:

I don't mind stealing bread

From the mouths of decadence

But I can't feed on the powerless

When my cup's already overfilled,

But it's on the table

The fire is cooking

And they're farming babies

While slaves are working

Blood is on the table

And the mouths are choking

But I'm growing hungry

Love these guys voices together -- but I'm not exactly sure why they were in my head this morning. Maybe just because the growing chill in the air makes me worry more about those that go hungry and all the shopping makes me feel worse about my overfilled cup...

Dynamite

After thanksgiving, I had the distinct pleasure of spending some girls time with my daughter and my niece. They are pretty different kids -- one is into pink and one is into sports (as evidenced by which of my shoes they chose to wear around the house) -- but they bring out the best in each other. Their activities together are wide-ranging, from a project outside involving lots of sand and leaves to the hosting of an all-girls dance party, at which this song was a huge hit:

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes

Saying AYO!

Gotta let go!

I wanna celebrate and live my life

Saying AYO!

Baby, let's go!

I came to dance, dance, dance, dance

I hit the floor

'Cause that's my, plans, plans, plans, plans

I'm wearing all my favorite

Brands, brands, brands, brands

Give me space for both my hands, hands, hands, hands

Ye, ye

Cause it goes on and on and on

And it goes on and on and on

Yeah!

We hope it will go on and on and on -- we're planning to make this shoe-filled sleepover an annual tradition. Love that girls time!

Catch Me I'm Falling

Today I'm nursing the wounds from my mountain biking accident yesterday. It wasn't too serious -- I managed to get up and go to an early morning workout today -- but it kinda hurts, and it REALLY hurt when my kneecap hit the huge rock. The other couple of times I've ridden that trail, I've gotten off and walked "The Stinger" section, but with my boyfriend watching me this time, I decided to show off -- hence today's tune:

Are you ready boy?

Here I come, catch me I'm falling

Fall I did, and catch me, he did, and both were huge for both of us. I cried big, fat tears when I bounced off that rock and rolled down to the side of the path, clearing away some of the residual heaviness that seems to come over me whenever I'm in the presence of my family of origin. He was right there to comfort me, which I welcomed -- and this was a huge relief to him after having had girlfriends take out their sports wounds and frustrations on him instead of appreciating his TLC.

Though we might not have been able to hear it over the crackling leaves and beating hearts, as we finished our ride on our first (in person) thanksgiving together, I reckon something along these lines was playing in the background for both of us:

Catch me I'm falling

Catch me now I'm falling

Catch me I'm falling

Catch me now I'm falling

Falling in love

How Much I Feel

So much gratitude for so many things this Thanksgiving. I got to spend it with my kids this year, AND my man -- doubly blessed. We went to my sister's house, had a delicious meal, and then sat on the couch listening to some music. I had to love it when my boyfriend starting serenading me from the couch:

That's how much I feel

Feel for you, baby

How much I need I need your touch

How much I live I live for your loving

That's how much, that's how much

That's how much, that's how much

And that's a whole lot!

Lean on Me

Friends and family day is a lovely tradition at my daughter's school. Every year, the day before thanksgiving, families and friends are invited to come to school with the kids, view their artwork, Spanish work, eat some food they've prepared, read some writing they've done, and join in a sing-along. I never get through the sing along without tears, and they really started rolling with this tune:

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there's

Always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong

And I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long

Till I'm gonna need

Somebody to lean on

I love the whole song, but I reckon these next two verses are my fave, particularly in the Glee version:

Please swallow your pride

If I have things

You need to borrow

For no one can fill

Those of your needs

That you won't let show

You just call on me brother

When you need a hand

We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load

You have to bear

That you can't carry

I'm right up the road

I'll share your load

If you just call me

I've been through a lot during my kids' tenure at that school, as have they, and I sure have appreciated those who have lightened my load and allowed me to lean on them. I also appreciate the nest it has been for my baby birds during some of the most vulnerable years I hope they'll ever experience (when their Dad and I were newly divorced).

When we were leaving school for the day, one of my daughter's classmates' Grandma's asked if I was indeed her mother. I told her that I was, and then she gave me a wonderful compliment: "Oh!" she said, "I just really love who she is in the world." Me too!

You Always Hurt the One You Love

My man generally likes his movies on the sunnier side, and I knew this one was going to be a downer, but I'd been wanting to see it since it came out, so I made an executive decision and ordered it up on Netflix. We watched it last night, and throughout the course of the movie we went from thinking that the scene where he first sings her this song is sweet to feeling like it's tragic.

Since we've both been through falling in and out of love, there were a number of painful moments to watch.

Movie aside, it is a pretty damn sad song -- check out the original by the Mills Brothers and see what I'm saying:

You always hurt the one you love

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

And crush it till the petals fall

You always brea-eak the kindest hear-eart

With a hasty word you can't recall, so

If I broke your heart la-ast night

It's because I love you most of all

Mostly though, we're banking on that title just not always being true. It's easy to hurt the ones you love, no doubt about it. And we often do. But always? Here's hoping we can break that pattern.

No New Tale to Tell

Cruising up the homestretch on my way to work today, this song started blaring out of my internal sound system:

No new tale to tell

No new tale to tell

No new tale to tell

Not really sure why, but I guess I don't see it as a particularly good sign. Maybe I'm in need of a vacation?

Is this it

There appears to be nothing remarkable about this song or the lyrics, but the band sure has a cool name, so maybe I'm missing something? My ipod seems to have wanted me to ponder thus, since it dialed this number up tonight...

Can't you see I'm trying, I don't even like it

I just lied to get to your apartment

Now I'm staying there just for a while

I can't think 'cause I'm just way too tired

Is this it

Is this it

Is this it

Said they'd give you anything you ever wanted

When they lied I knew it was just stable

Children trying hard not to realize I was sitting right behind you

Dear can't you see, it's them it's not me

We're not enemies, we just disagree

If I was like him, all dissing his Pa

He changes his mind, says I went too far

We all disagree I think we should disagree, yeah...

Certainly, the chorus is a question I've pondered from time to time, but this song, unfortunately, gets me no closer to an answer...

Eyes of Sarah Jane

My thanks go out to the Jayhawks for creating such a sweet song with my first and middle name in the title and chorus:

And in the eyes of Sarah Jane

I see the happy times again

And in the eyes of Sarah Jane

I see the happy times again

We couldn't sleep

Laugh 'til we weep

Then time stood still, so still, so still

Talked for hours in our little bed

I fell in love with every word you said

It felt so great, so great, so great

And in the eyes of Sarah Jane

I see the happy times again

And in the eyes of Sarah Jane

I see the happy times again

My boyfriend and I heard this before bed last night, and so, as prompted, I asked if he could see the happy times again when he looked into my eyes. His response was affirmative, but it seemed more related to the happiness of mine that he could see in my eyes than happiness that he could find there, which gave me pause. But perhaps there's not much difference between the two? Or at least, they are super interrelated, and maybe even in a healthy way?

Doll Parts

Of all the songs from Juno (which my boyfriend and I watched last night) to blog about, you wouldn't think this one would be high on the list. Don't get me wrong -- I have a soft spot for Courtney Love -- and was fascinated by these recent photos of her daughter, Frances Bean, who seems to have inherited the best part of her mother and father, at least in terms of looks -- but that soundtrack has tons of amazing songs on it. I chose this one because this is the song that Jason Bateman (who, as a young man, smiled down from a poster on my wall when I was a teenager) and Juno first bond over, as they sing together:

Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do

Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do too

I want to be the girl with the most cake

I love him so much it just turns to hate

I fake it so real, I am beyond fake

And someday, you will ache like I ache

Someday, you will ache like I ache

The first time I saw the movie, I thought their relationship was sweet. The second time around, I was still inclined to be charitable, but my boyfriend felt like he crossed a line. And maybe he did.

So many things about the movie are so funny, but so much of it is sad, too... The Jason Bateman character really just wants to be cool and appreciated for the things he loves about himself; his wife just wants a child; Juno just wants to do the right thing and be loved, and they all gain and lose something pretty profound throughout the course of the movie.

That's sort of how I feel about Courtney Love, too; some things about her music are pretty profound, but there's also a deeply sad sense of all that she's lost.

May we try to avoid aching like she aches (ached?), and if we have to go there, may we also add something beautiful to the world at the same time, as she has through her music and her daughter...

Leaving on your mind

Last night when we got in bed, I decided to select Patsy Cline on the ipod, and this somber tune made the strongest impression on me:

If you got leavin' on your mind

Tell me now, get it over

Hurt me now, get it over

If you got leavin' on your mind

There is, of course, a small part of me that gravitates in this direction when I'm faced with the possibility that my man just won't be able to find his happiest self here, and that part can really get behind these lyrics:

Don't leave me here, in a world

Filled with dreams that might have been

Hurt me now, get it over

I may learn to love again

But mostly I still feel willing to be in it, in spite of the uncertainty -- I still feel like we have a pretty decent shot at those dreams that got him out here in the first place coming true...

The Youth

This is the last track played during the movie The Kids are All Right, a really sweet movie about love, marriage, children and the difficulty we all sometimes have, within the context of our families and love relationships, getting our needs met.

Somehow, I feel like the lyrics to this quirky song sum up pretty well what the movie is all about:

This is a call of arms to live and love and sleep together.

We could flood the streets with love or light or heat whatever.

Lock the parents out, cut a rug, twist and shout,

Wave your hands,

Make it rain,

For stars will rise again.

The youth is starting to change.

Are you starting to change?

Are you?

Together.

In a couple of years

Tides have turned from booze to tears.

And in spite of the weather,

We could learn to make it together.

In some ways the movie is about how much pressure the youth put on us adults to change. I think if we can let it happen, this growth is nearly always positive, but changing is uncomfortable, and as adults, we have entrenched coping mechanisms -- one adult in the movie turns to wine, the others to sex. When those are taken out of the picture though, the tears indeed come, and the sense that they can make it together -- the kids and the adults, the kids as adults -- continues to grow.

All of which, I'm happy to say, gives me hope for the youth and the adults in this burgeoning family o' mine...

Accidentally in Love

I remember early on in my newly single life, chatting with a friend about the kind of man I thought I would (and didn't think I'd) fall in love with. You never know, she said, you might just fall in love and not really have a choice. At the time, I didn't buy it. Of course I had a choice. I always have a choice.

Which is certainly true, to some extent. But not entirely. Relatively early on in my long-distance relationship with my current man, I tried a couple of times to shut down my feelings, thinking that it was for the best because the distance was so hard. "You can't just turn it off," my sister warned. And it turned out, I really couldn't.

Cue the Counting Crows:

So she said, "What's the problem baby?"

What's the problem I don't know

Well maybe I'm in love, think about it every time

I think about it, can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this

Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love

Makes me wanna turn around and face me

But I don't know nothing about love

Come on, come on

Turn a little faster

Come on, come on

The world will follow after

Come on, come on

Because everybody's after love

So I said, "I'm a snowball running"

Running down into the spring

That's coming all this love melting under

Blue skies belting out sunlight, shimmering love

Well baby I surrender to the strawberry ice cream

Never ever end of all this love

Well I didn't mean to do it

But there's no escaping your love

Now that he's out here and struggling a bit with the Midwestern landscape and a stressful day job, I think at least a little part of my man is finding this love a little inconvenient. Lucky for me, for the time being at least, accidentally or not, he is in love, so we're doing our best to make it work:

Come on, come on

Move a little closer

Come on, come on

I want to hear you whisper

Come on, come on

Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on

Jump a little higher

Come on, come on

If you feel a little lighter

Come on, come on

We were once upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Running Down a Dream

We heard this Tom Petty classic en route to our inaugural family mountain biking trip:

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down

I had the radio on, I was drivin'

"This is apropos," my boyfriend said. "We are running down a dream."

It only took me a couple of seconds to figure out what he meant.

Not surprisingly, the process of integrating a 45-year old mountain-adventure-loving dude into a Midwestern family just getting its legs as a threesome ain't exactly seamless. As those with kids are well aware, they challenge us to deal with parts of ourselves that we'd much prefer to run away from, or allow to lie dormant. It can be a painful process to witness, and it scares the crap out of me that it is possible that it won't work out, that we won't all be able to get our needs met as a foursome.

Whew. In the meantime, I reckon I'll just take Tom's advice and stay on the path:

Runnin' down a dream

That never would come to me

Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads

Runnin' down a dream

Glory Box

This is just the kind of song that appeals to me when I'm feeling less than 100 percent hopeful about my lovelife:

Just give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

I just wanna be a woman

From this time unchained

We're all lookin' at a different picture

Through this new frame of mind

A thousand flowers could bloom

Move over and give us some room, yeah

Give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

I just wanna be a woman

So don't you stop, being a man

Just take a little look

From our side when you can

Show a little tenderness

No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

I just wanna be a woman

'Cause it's all I wanna be is all a woman, yeah

For this is the beginning of forever and ever

Its time to move over

So tired of playing

Just give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be

Of course, I have many reasons to be, just as I have many reasons to love the man I'm with, but I do think that I put too much energy into the not-working part when it surfaces rather than viewing it as a natural part of having a relationship with another human being. Instead of letting it (discomfort, uncertainty) be there, I put all my energy into trying to control it away. As a result, I end up exhausted and no closer to where I was trying to get to -- that feeling that things are all settled -- because, of course, that feeling needs to come from somewhere inside me rather than from someone else.

Here's hoping a thousand flowers bloom if I can move over and give us some room...

More than Words

This one started up on the internal alarm early this morning:

Saying I love you

Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say, but if you only knew

How easy it would be to show me how you feel

More than words is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

'Cause I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand

All you have to do is close your eyes

And just reach out your hands and touch me

Hold me close don't ever let me go

More than words is all I ever needed you to show

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

'Cause I'd already know

I'm not sure exactly why I woke up to this one today, but I guess maybe it's because my boyfriend and I have had a rough few days, due to a variety of factors. When that happens, I can't feel his words in the way that I can when we're really connected. Which makes for a vicious cycle, but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it until we can get back to that space again...

I Want Candy

Today was the last day of my second round on the Clean program. I wasn't quite as strict with myself this time around, but it did help break out of some more habits (e.g. MUST have a glass of wine when eating pasta, MUST have a beer when eating pizza, MUST have chocolate after lunch and dinner).

As for the song, it was on the Halloween mix in my TRX class today, and I really enjoyed hearing it:

I know a guy who's tough but sweet

He's so fine, he can't be beat

He's got everything that I desire

Sets the summer sun on fire

I want candy, I want candy

Go to see him when the sun goes down

Ain't no finer boy in town

You're my guy, just what the doctor ordered

So sweet, you make my mouth water

I want candy, I want candy

Candy on the beach, there's nothing better

But I like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater

Some day soon I'll make you mine,

Then I'll have candy all the time

I want candy, I want candy

I want candy, I want candy...

Checking out the lyrics now, I'm grateful that the candy I had to give up for the last three weeks was the kind being handed out to trick or treaters tonight, and not the kind wrapped in a sweater. As hard as it is to live without chocolate, it'd be harder to live without my man.

Is There a Ghost

There's not a ton to these lyrics, but the sound of these guys is pretty damn awesome:

I could sleep

I could sleep

I could sleep

I could sleep

When I lived alone

Is there a ghost in my house?

And 'tis the season, after all...

Use Somebody

I haven't done a fitness-class inspired post for a while, but every time this song has come on during class over the past few weeks, I've both enjoyed it and wondered who was singing it. Finally, I asked, and here's what I found:

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

painted faces, fill places I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody...

you know that I could use somebody...

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak

countless lovers undercover of the streets

I sure hope I don't have to go back to pruning my way through countless lovers. Not that there aren't some lovely things about the search, it's just that if I had to do it again I'd want to find someone like my current man and all he knows and how he speaks, and that'd be pretty damn difficult to do...

She's So High

My man was singing this song tonight as we went about our evening: cooking, eating, cleaning up. It's such a pleasure to be in a relationship with someone who makes everyday life so much warmer, and so much more fun.

Sure hope this dude can come down eventually and enjoy the very real pleasures of human love:

She's blood, flesh and bone

No tucks or silicone

She's touch, smell, sight, taste and sound

But somehow I can't believe

That anything should happen

I know where I belong

And nothing's gonna happen

'Cause she's so high

High above me, she's so lovely

She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite

She's so high, high above me

Hey Soul Sister

One of my soul sisters, and one of the Soul Sisters, left me a voicemail this morning while I was meditating --- at the very moment I was working through something she had helped me with. It's amazing how connected we all are when we take a moment to realize it!

I have to admit that I find this song highly irritating, but it is apropos, and it does make reference to a favorite 80's band!

Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!

Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight

Hey, hey, hey

Love's Been a Little Bit Hard on Me

Over the last few days I've been relieved to experience a resurgence from my friend the internal jukebox. For a while there, things were pretty stagnant, but that visit to the Hoosier state (and the particular intersection pictured here) sure managed to stir up and help purge some old feelings that were getting in my way.

This hasn't been a pretty process, or an easy one, but my boyfriend has been great about it. I think something he said inspired this song choice. He said: "You know, I went through my own hard stuff as a child but I didn't enter adulthood with a broken heart like you did."

That just about sums it up. Sing it, Juice!

I've got nothing to be ashamed of

Love's been a little bit hard on me

If I shy away it's only because

Love's been a little bit hard on me

Love's been a little

Oh love's been a little

Love's been a little bit hard on me

Love's been a little

Oh you know just been a little

Love's been a little bit hard on me

I can remember when it's been so much

Love's been a little bit hard on me

I shy away at the slightest touch

Love's been a little bit hard on me

Come out, come out

To the hopeless romantic inside

Shout it's all right, all right

To stay so dark

So close to the light

I'll be back when I calm my fears

Love's been a little bit hard on me

See you around in a thousand years

Love's been a little bit hard on me

Thankfully, a thousand years didn't have to pass for this broken heart to heal...

If You Love Me Let Me Know

My mom had this album when I was growing up, and I used to love to listen to it. This song in particular came back to me on the internal jukebox after a recent visit to my childhood home. It was always bittersweet for me in those days -- I liked the sound of what she was singing about, hoped I'd find it, but hadn't had any experience with it.

You came when I was happy in your sunshine

I grew to love you more each passing day

Before too long I built my world around you

And I prayed you'd love enough of me to stay

If you love me let me know

If you don't then let me go

I can't take another minute

Of a day without you in it

If you love me let it be

If you don't then set me free

Take the chains away

That keep me loving you

The arms that open wide to hold me closer

The hands that run their fingers through my hair

The smile that says "hello, it's good to see you"

Anytime I turn around to find you there

It's this and so much more that make me love you

What else can I do to make you see

You know you have whatever's mine to give you

But a love affair for one can never be

If you love me let me know

If you don't then let me go

I can't take another minute

Of a day without you in it

If you love me let it be

If you don't then set me free

Take the chains away

That keep me loving you

These days, Olivia, I'm happy to say, I know exactly of what you sing!

Rock n roll

The custody schedule my babydaddy suggested and that we're currently trying out includes five-day stretches without my kids, which is just too long for me.

Today, on the phone with my son in the midst of one of these stretches, I sang:

It's been a long time, been a long time

Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time

Yes, it has

When I finished singing, I asked him if he knew that song. "Yes Mom," he replied impatiently, "of course I do."

Someday he's going to look back and think the mother who sang Led Zeppelin to him on the phone while he was at his Dad's is super cool, I just know it...

How does it make you feel?

This song shuffled onto the ipod just as I was feeling a jumble of things about being in an intimate relationship. Reading the lyrics, I think I've felt some version of all of these things, and their opposite, over the past three or four months:

I am feeling very warm right now

Please don't disappear

I am spacing out with you

You are the most beautiful entity that I've ever dreamed of

At night I will protect you in your dreams

I will be your angel

You worry so much about not having enough time together

It makes no difference to me

I would be happy with just one minute in your arms

Let's have an extended play together

You're telling me that we live to far to love each other

But your love can stretch further than you and I can see

So how does it make you feel?

How does it make you feel?

How does it make you feel?

How does it make you feel?

How does it make you feel?

Do you know when you look at me

It is a salvation

I've been waiting for you so long

I can drive on that road forever

I wish you could exist to live on my planet

Well it's very hard for me to say these things in your presence

So how does it make you feel?

Lucky for me, the Buddha teaches us that no feeling is ever final. That's an important one to remember, since it applies to the happy and the sad, the exhilarating and the fearful. When I'm at peace with the world, I can remember that. When I'm not, I sometimes refuse to acknowledge its truth, and that usually leads to suffering.

Everything's Not Lost

The ipod shuffled onto this number this morning, and as I listened, I felt a mixture of things. Sometimes it seems like Coldplay's songs are largely gratuitous crowd-pleasers, and this one is a great example of that. But my crush on Chris Martin helps me give him the benefit of the doubt, and when I started to explore the lyrics, I realized that the song, and its connection to my morning, were deeper than I originally thought.

Because, you see, I am wrestling with some demons of my own:

When I counted up my demons

Saw there was one for every day

With the good ones on my shoulders

I drove the other ones away

And unfortunately the good ones on my shoulders don't seem fully capable of driving the other ones away. Maybe building the good ones up is the way to go? It seems like that might work. I shall try it.

In the meantime, I'm happy to say that I feel anything but neglected and I'm keenly aware that everything's not lost:

So if you ever feel neglected

And if you think that all is lost

I'll be counting up my demons, yeah

Hoping everything's not lost

When you thought that it was over

You could feel it all around

And everybody's out to get you

Don't you let it drag you down

Singing out

Oh, oh, oh, yeah

Oh, oh, yeah

Oh, oh, yeah

Everything's not lost

Slow Motion

This morning as my alarm was going off, I felt as if the world was in slow motion. Once I roused myself enough to see that it was raining outside, I decided I'd stay in bed a bit longer, skip my yoga class, and practice at home instead. For the next hour or so, I occupied that not quite conscious place between wakefulness and sleep. My ipod was on in the background, and David Gray provided music and lyrics (and with the video, pictures) to describe my sleepy state:

While I was watching you did a slow dissolve

While I was watching you did a slow dissolve

While I was watching you did a slow dissolve

Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes

Did I imagine they held us hypnotized

Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes

Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real

Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real

Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real

Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands

Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands

Snowflakes are falling now you’re my long lost friend

Snowflakes aren't falling just yet -- but they're coming. I finally got my light therapy light out of the basement on Saturday. I used to suffer mightily from seasonal affected disorder, now I just observe that my energy level is a bit lower and my mood a bit darker. I attribute the fact that I suffer less with s.a.d. now than I did before to four main factors:

1) I have, and use, light therapy to help me get the (simulated) sunlight I need to feel good.

2) I am careful to do my yoga and get my aerobic exercise -- much of it outside, even in the colder months.

3) I am happier overall, have more love and more support in my life than I used to; but most of all:

4) I recognize that seasons are, that there is a time for budding and a time for dropping off, a time for warmth and a time for chill, a time when we are closer to the sun and a time when we are farther from it, and I do my best to be with all that.

Homeward Bound

I feel like I've had more than my fair share of frustrating parenting moments lately. I think the kids and I have fallen into some patterns that are less than positive and productive and to break out of them, I have to lead us toward a different space. This takes a lot of energy, but I think the reason for the painful times is to gather the strength needed to make the adjustments.

In the midst of a couple of tough days, I got to spend some alone time with my daughter. She chose our activity: going to the climbing gym. I couldn't have picked a more perfect reset button if I'd tried.

As her belayer, I provided her the safety, security and encouragement she needed to climb higher; as the climber, she got to demonstrate to herself and others her strength, her tenacity, and an appreciation for what she could accomplish when I was supporting her in a positive way. She expressed this appreciation repeatedly, and I felt gratified and humbled by the gargantuan task of raising such a strong, capable child.

Marveling at all this, I heard Simon and Garfunkel start to fill the climbing gym, and felt myself filling with gratitude about the home I've been able to create for myself and my children, and the one that my boyfriend and I are one day hoping to create for the four of us:

Homeward bound, I wish I was homeward bound

Home, where my thoughts escape, at home, where my music's playin'

Home, where my love lies waitin' silently for me

Tonight I'll sing my songs again, I'll play the game and pretend

But all my words come back to me, in shades of mediocrity

Like emptiness and harmony, I need someone to comfort me...

And I set the intention that above all else, our home would always be a place where we could all find comfort.

Have a Heart

I reckon frustration toward the ex is the reason this number has landed on repeat on the internal jukebox:

Hey!

Shut up.

Don’t lie to me.

Because this is what I feel like screaming at him when he asserts that the motivation behind his communications with me are all in the best interest of the kids. Certainly, he wants what is best for the kids. But he refuses to acknowledge his feelings or mine in a meaningful enough way that we could actually get to a space where we could put the past behind us and come together for the kids. Instead, he wants me to get past it already, and rather than change his behavior, I am expected to desensitize myself to it:

Baby, how can you say

You should be free and I should pay and pay

And you talk and talk about you and what you need

But sooner or later your love is gonna make me bleed.

Yes folks, we reached that point a long time ago, and:

Hey, hey, have a heart, hey, have a heart.

If you don’t love me, why don’t you let me go?

Have a heart, please, oh don’t you have a heart?

Little by little you fade while I fall apart.

Oh, oh.

...I reckon it is time for me to stop falling apart over this. I was reading a book of Rumi poems last night, and this one in particular struck a chord for me:

Where You Love From

Look inside and find where a person

loves from. That's the reality,

not what they say. -Hypocrites

Word!

One final note -- I thought this song sounded great on the internal jukebox, which played my version of Bonnie Raitt. But check this chick's version out -- so powerful!

Feels Like the First Time

I'm not sure what it is -- maybe the concentration of time spent with a man who was just starting to rock when this song was big -- but this is the second time this month that the internal jukebox has landed on Foreigner.

We've had our moments since his move to the heartland when we've felt a little more distant than we did on our long weekends together during the year we were apart -- which I think is inevitable given the work/kids/house that gets added to the mix in real life/same city romance. But then something will happen and I'll feel just like I did that first weekend all over again:

Feels like the first time

And it feels like the very first time

And it feels like the first time

It feels like the very first time

This time those feelings were brought about when, lying in bed together, he asked me how I was feeling. A little sad, I answered. "Hmmmm," he replied. "Why don't you float around in it for a while and let me know if you come up with anything you want to share?" This, coming from a man who used to respond to my sadness with wanting it not to be there, wanting to make it better, wanting to change it, felt miraculous, generous, spacious. Lying by his side, I felt free to be where I was and loved in a way that I'm just beginning to get used to:

And it feels like the first time

Like it never did before

Feels like the first time

Like we've opened up the door

Feels like the first time...

Lover, Lover

This song has been with me over the last week or so as issues with my ex and his new girlfriend have come to a head:

Well the truth, well it hurts to say

I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away

I'm gonna split, I can't stand it

I'm gonna give it up and quit and ain't never coming back

It's a lot to wade through, these feelings about another woman quite literally sleeping in my bed (we bought it together), living in my house, and caring for my children. Thank goodness I'm blessed with wise, compassionate friends, as well as an awesome lover who was able to help me have perspective on this situation when the feelings were at their most raw. He reminded me I'd never felt at home in that house, and that the bed she is sleeping in is the one I purposely left because I finally faced up to the fact that this was my experience and had been for years:

Woh-oh lover lover lover, you don't treat me no good no more,

Woh-oh, woh-oh lover, lover lover, you don't treat me no good no more...

What's more, the contrast between this lover and my ex husband is so stark they almost don't deserve to share the same term. Still, I am forever grateful for my babies, for all that I learned about myself during that time period, and for the freedom I had after I left to heal, fall in love with myself, and then wicked fall in love with such an amazing man this time around.

Here's the original from Jerrod Niemann -- I think this is one of those rare cases that I prefer the cover by Sonia Dada (selected by my internal jukebox and linked above)...

Good Enough

In my boyfriend's absence tonight, I had the good fortune of a date with a good friend, one with whom I can discuss in an intimate manner the ways in which, though we sometimes feel otherwise: we're good enough mothers, our kids are doing good (well) enough, and our husbands (partners) are good enough too:

Hey your glass is empty

It’s a hell of a long way home

Why don’t you let me take you

It’s no good to go alone

I never would have opened up

But you seemed so real to me

After all the bullshit I’ve heard

It’s refreshing not to see

I don’t have to pretend

She doesn’t expect it from me

Because my man and I are still in the honeymoon phase, I can relate more closely to her feelings about her marriage of thirteen years with feelings I remember having about my ex-husband than those I have about my current relationship, but on some level, we decided, being ok with something means deciding that it's good enough.

And the truth is, one human being can never make that decision for another. I can hear my ex-husband's pleas when I told him I wanted out of our marriage coming loud and clear through these lyrics:

Don’t tell me I haven’t been good to you

Don’t tell me I have never been there for you

Don’t tell me why

Nothing is good enough

But it wasn't good enough for me. And though I had to wade through some very lonesome terrain to get where I am today, I could always hear the universe singing some version of this verse of Sarah's beautiful song (written for an abused child):

So just let me try

And I will be good to you

Just let me try

And I will be there for you

I’ll show you why

You’re so much more than good enough...

All Mixed Up

Heard this song tonight when I decided to listen to an ipod album I was mostly unfamiliar with: The Red House Painters. The song is called It's All Mixed Up, and although when I heard it I realized it was written about a love gone awry, as it continued to play in my head, it became the soundtrack for another situation gone awry: the Walker protests.

I'm not talking about the people who peacefully sing every noon hour in the Capitol. I'm talking about the ones that openly mock and harass the man elected to our state's highest office. I don't understand holding up signs saying that he is a bully and then bullying him. And most of all, I am confused by holding up heart-shaped mylar balloons while exuding hatred:

It's all mixed up

It's all mixed up

It's all mixed up

It's all mixed up

I am reminded of my favorite words to live by, brought to us by Buddha:

Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is an ancient and eternal law.

I'm not pretending there is no wrongdoing on the part of our Governor. But watching the woman holding the heart balloon up while trying to tear him apart with her stare, I felt the truth of that eternal law more powerfully than ever before.

Here's hoping we can all find our way to the healing space that love offers...

If Not for You

I first encountered this song (as a child) in its Olivia Newton-John incarnation, but Pandora played the Dylan original tonight and it's a beauty:

If not for you

Babe, the night would see me wide awake

The day would surely have to break

It would not be new, if not for you

If not for you, my sky would fall

Rain would gather, too

Without your love I'd be nowhere at all

I'd be lost, if not for you

If not for you

The winter would hold no spring

Couldn't hear a robin sing

I just wouldn't have a clue, if not for you

Reading the lyrics now, I feel as I've described before on these pages -- that I now understand intimately what was once totally abstract for me: what one experiences in the grasp of an all-encompasing love.

For me, it's not quite as bad as Bob makes it out to be:

It's not that I can't sleep when he's not here, it's just that it doesn't bring me the same comfort or excitement.

It's not that I'd be truly lost without him, just that I wouldn't enjoy knowing right where I am in the same way I do in his arms.

And it's not that the winter would hold no spring, but that I'd be living for the spring rather than relishing what all the seasons have to offer -- including his beloved winter, which I'm actually looking forward to this year.

One final note: if not for Bob's amazing songwriting, George Harrison wouldn't have had this hit. Even sweeter is the two of them singing it together!

Let's Hear it for the Boy

Tonight while we were making dinner, my man started singing a blast from my past:

Let's hear it for the boy

Let's give the boy a hand

Let's hear it for my baby

You know you got to understand

Whoa, maybe he's no romeo

But he's my lovin one-man show

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Let's hear it for the boy

Loved the movie Footloose when I was a young thang -- and this song played a prominent role in the movie (at least in my memory it does). It's so fun for me to date someone who sings the songs of my youth (for the record, he'd just heard it on the radio, it wasn't on the internal jukebox). Looking at the lyrics, some of them don't fit (he's definitely Romeo) but some ring sorta true:

My baby may not be rich

He's watchin every dime

But he loves me loves me loves me

We always have a real good time

And maybe he sings off key

But that's alright by me

Because what he does he does so well

Makes me wanna yell

Let's hear it for the boy!

Indeed. I married a man who always had money and always sang on key, but I've never felt loved like this!

Hot-Blooded

This one's been pumping through my head over the last few days, and it's no wonder -- my daughter has been a little heater -- yesterday her temp hit 103.7. This song is particularly apropos because she must've taken her temperature at least five times a day:

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see

I got a fever of a hundred and three

It takes a lot out of a mama to have a kid sick for multiple days, there's no doubt about it. But there's also something kinda nice about all the extra snuggle time.

And if you just can't get enough after viewing the Foreigner video above, check out this home video of some little kids in their pjs doing their own rendition, complete with air guitar:

Yeah I'm hot blooded, check it and see

Feel the fever burning inside of me

Come on baby, do you do more than dance?

I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

You're So Vain

Tonight I got to enjoy the company of two of my favorite women, one of whom was celebrating her birthday. It was lovely to see them both and introduce them to my man. After dinner, we walked to their car so that one could show us the hilarious birthday card that the other had given her:

"Leo: You consider yourself a born leader. Other people think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and you cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving bastards who like to kiss mirrors a lot."

Love it! And it was even funnier because the birthday girl is anything but pushy, vain, or arrogant, and it caused me to break into some Carly Simon singing:

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you? Don't You?

Viewing the lyrics, I noted that this song is apropos for this birthday girl for more than just the silly astrological birthday card reason. This past year started out pretty rough for her when her man dumped her, later admitting that he did it to avoid having her leave him. As screwed up as that sounds, I totally get it, and have perpetrated such break-ups myself. So I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he, like me, just wasn't ready to give of himself in the way she wanted or needed him to:

You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive

Well you said that we made such a pretty pair

And that you would never leave

But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me...

It sure hurts when we have to let go of people we love, but time helps heal those wounds. Here's to the lovely Leo getting the love she deserves in the coming year!

I'm Sticking With You

This sweet song came on while my boyfriend and I were kicking off a weekend in which we had no obligations -- and we got to literally live these lyrics -- it was awesome!

I'm sticking with you

'Cause I'm made out of glue

Anything that you might do

I'm gonna do too

Of course, during normal circumstances, when we're being pulled and stretched by family and work, it just isn't possible to have the 24/7 glue. Which I'm sure is a good thing -- but after being apart for a year, I haven't reached the point where I'm ready to unstick much, though I reckon I'll have to a bit more when my kids come back from their vacation with their Dad and my man starts his new job.

I'll work on applying these lyrics both literally and figuratively -- though cryptic, they feel apropos of the love we share:

But with you by my side I can do anything

When we swing

We hang past right or wrong

The link above is from the Juno soundtrack -- but I quite like this live version I found on youtube, too!

Ode to Joy

My daughter had some tears over having to practice the saxophone this afternoon, which reminded me just how much angst came with musical instruments of all varieties for me when I was a kid, too. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but it sure worked that way for me and now I'm watching my daughter go through the same thing.

One of the songs she was assigned was Ode to Joy. Since neither of us knew the tune, I looked it up on you tube, and continued my trip down memory lane when I found this one featuring none other than Beaker, my favorite muppet!

If Beaker's not your style, you can go classic Beethoven too...

Baby Now that I Found You

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I met my man. It's funny to look back on the post I wrote about that night now -- I ended it with: "Those arms will find me when the time is right" which was what I said to reassure myself because I'd gone to bed alone the night of the wedding at which we met. Little did I know (at least consciously) that his arms really would be the ones to find me, or, because he was dressed in clothes that didn't show off his righteous bod, that they'd be so hot.

Lucky me.

So many songs could mark this day, and even though most of this Foundations hit doesn't fit, as I type this, it's this Allison Krauss cover blaring on the inner jukebox:

Baby, now that I've found you

I can't let you go

I'll build my world around you

I need you so...

True love will find you

The Beck cover of this tune was the ipod's selection at an opportune moment this evening -- a moment in which I was savoring the trueness of the love I'm experiencing now:

True love will find you in the end

You'll find out just who was your friend

Don’t be sad, I know you will,

But don’t give up until

True love finds you in the end.

I was unfamiliar with this song, which was apparently written and originally performed by Daniel Johnston, of whom I'd never heard. Brilliant lyricist, he is. Particularly in this second (and last) verse, he captures my experience of being willing to be vulnerable, to do it differently this time around:

This is a promise with a catch

Only if you're looking will it find you

‘Cause true love is searching too

But how can it recognize you

Unless you step out into the light?

But don’t give up until

True love finds you in the end.

I'm so glad I didn't give up before it found me. Or give up when it found me, for that matter....

Oh, and here's one more cover, if you still haven't had enough -- this one's Wilco.

California Gurls

My kids made reference to the song California Girls today, and while I thought it was a bit strange that they knew the old Beach Boys classic, I also thought it was pretty cool.

Until they started singing it, and I realized it was very definitely NOT the Beach Boys classic:

California girls

We're unforgettable

Daisy Dukes

Bikinis on top

Sun-kissed skin

So hot

We'll melt your Popsicle

Oooooh oh oooooh

I wish they all could be California Girls...

Your Next Bold Move

The ipod dialed this one up, and it fit perfectly with exactly what I've been wondering about: What's my next bold move? Career-wise, I mean:

So go ahead

Make your next bold move

Tell us

What's the next thing you're gonna need to prove

To yourself

It's not so much what I need to prove to myself, but where I can best put my talents and passion to work for this world. It's all really up in the air right now, which is sometimes exciting and other times a little bit frightening. I know it's all going to come out ok, it's just tough for us humans to deal with the uncertainty sometimes, I reckon...

Knock on Wood

I had the pleasure of being with my man tonight during a huge summer storm, which gave new meaning to an old fave:

It's like thunder and lightning

The way you love me is frightening

In a good way, of course!

Landslide

Right in the middle of a rather tumultuous few days with my kids, my man and I laid next to each other wondering if we knew what we had bargained for by taking our long distance relationship and transplanting him into my Madison with-kids life.

As luck would have it, Pandora was on in the background, and it was no small comfort to hear Fleetwood Mac take on some of the same big questions and come away feeling like it's ok to sometimes feel like you're in the middle of a landslide. It doesn't necessarily mean you've taken a wrong turn or done something wrong, it just happens sometimes.

Maybe particularly when you're willing to risk a big undertaking. You know, like leaving your husband, sleeping around for a while, and then eventually falling in love again and meeting someone worthy of your kids. Or moving across the country to be with a woman with two kids when you've spent the first 45 years of your life kidless in New England:

I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm, mmm, mmm

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older and I'm getting older too

Oh, I'm getting older too

Awh, take my love, take it down

Awh, climb a mountain and turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well, the landslide bring it down...

The Dam at Otter Creek

The temptation, now that he's no longer able to access my blog, to write about my ex-husband in a less charitable way, I'll admit, is there. Especially after a recent episode with the kids, which involved, get ready for this -- them being bitten and scratched by otters while on my watch. It was a traumatic experience for all those present, and I'm sure it was pretty scary for my babydaddy to hear about it secondhand, but the fact that it turned into yet another way for him to point out what he sees as my less-than-optimal mothering is a pretty big drag for yours truly.

I know it must be hard for him with my new boyfriend here, spending time with his kids -- god knows it was an adjustment for me when I first dropped my kids off with his new woman -- but of course, he can't admit that, or let himself feel the sadness of which Live sings:

When all that's left to do

Is reflect on what's been done

This is where sadness breathes

The sadness of everyone

So he evades the sadness by finding things to be mad at me about. It's a drag, but there isn't much I can do about it, and I don't want to live my life able to be derailed by his negative energy, that's for damn sure...

How Could Anyone

This song goes out to all those among us (which probably includes all of us) who were at some point wounded by our parents. Not because they didn't love us, but because they were human, and had wounds of their own that hadn't healed sufficiently to have what we needed:

How could anyone ever tell you?

You were anything less than beautiful…

How could anyone ever tell you?

You were less than whole…

How could anyone fail to notice?

That your loving is a miracle…

How deeply you're connected to my soul…

When I was doing the heavy duty healing from my own childhood wounds, I used to listen to this song on repeat, preferably in my car, where I could belt it out, cry -- do whatever I needed to release the sadness from the kid inside me, let her sing, and remind her that I'm here now to see her beauty and her wholeness, as are many others.

This really helped me let go of some feelings I really didn't want to carry around anymore anyway. They weren't doing me, my own children, or anyone else any good, but they needed to be felt.

We Shall Overcome

Walking through the Capitol today, I heard a group of people doing a particularly moving rendition of this old protest song:

We shall overcome, we shall overcome,

We shall overcome someday;

Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,

We shall overcome someday.

There are so many beautiful versions of this song on youtube, both talking about it and singing it, beginning with my hero, Martin Luther King, Jr. Maybe the most famous version of the song is Joan Baez's, but I also dig, as usual, the cover by The Boss.

I hear the protesters nearly daily, and though I don't join in their singing, I do join them in this wish:

We'll walk hand in hand, we'll walk hand in hand,

We'll walk hand in hand someday;

Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,

We'll walk hand in hand someday.

And I truly believe this:

The truth shall set us free , the truth shall set us free,

The truth shall set us free someday;

Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,

The truth shall set us free someday.

Now, if we could just start telling the truth. All of us.

Broken Wings

I've got another cheesy oldie to share today, this one courtesy of a long-haired (mulleted, but not helmeted) dude riding his chopper on Monroe St., blaring his radio:

Take these broken wings

And learn to fly again

And learn to live so free

And when we hear the voices sing

The book of love will open up

And let us in

Mister Mister, you may be cheesy, but you're on to something here. The book of love is more powerful than I ever dreamed it could be, and I'm now fortunate enough to get to experience of which you sing on a regular basis:

Baby I think tonight

We can take what was wrong

And make it right

I need you so

Baby it's all I know

That you're half of the flesh

And blood makes me whole

I need you so

Faithfully

Love it when Journey enters my psyche, whether from the radio or from a place inside. It always makes me think about one of my friends from high school -- especially this song -- because he was a music man (of the garage band variety) and he did love me faithfully (and still does).

This afternoon I didn't have to hear it on the radio, though -- I began to hear it while I was talking to a fascinating man at a conference. He was telling me all about his legislative career, and how proud he was, though he was the member of a particular party, to represent all the people in his Senate district. He felt great about having the support from both sides of the aisle.

And the reason, according to him, that he enjoyed such support? God. "They know I'm Christian and they're Christian, so they trust me, even if they belong to the other party," he explained. Hmm. To my mind, that's another construct -- and I don't need a construct to find the good in people. But maybe a lot of us do, and maybe I can somehow apply that to my own efforts to bridge the divide. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, enjoy the Journey. (I just have to paste all the lyrics because it's such a great song.)

Highway run

Into the midnight sun

Wheels go round and round

You're on my mind

Restless hearts

Sleep alone tonight

Sending all my love along the wire

They say that the road

Ain't no place to start a family

Right down the line it's been you and me

And loving a music man

Ain't always what it's supposed to be

Oh Girl

You stand by me

I'm forever yours

Faithfully

Circus life

Under the big top world

We all need the clowns to make us smile

Through space and time

Always another show

Wondering where I am lost without you

And being apart ain't easy on this love affair

Two strangers learn to fall in love again

I get the joy of rediscovering you

Oh girl

You stand by me

I'm forever yours

Faithfully

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Faithfully

I'm still yours

I'm forever yours

Ever yours

Faithfully