Another of the talks preceding my parting with the New Englander had to do with what we hoped one another would take with us from the relationship. Mine for him revolved around issues of worthiness and self-love. His for me? A wish that I'll do a lot of mountain biking and skiing.
At first blush, this seems like kind of a superficial thing to say, and in some ways, it is. But they are the two most important things in his life, so by that measure, it really isn't. As one of my friends said, it's his love language. And it's true that constitutionally, with all of my fire, I am well-suited to both of these activities.
The trouble for me has been, particularly with mountain biking, that I started doing it again (after about a 20 year hiatus) with him. I bought my bike with him. I first rode in all the places around here with him. Up until now, doing it without him has felt too hard. I've only ridden once since he left over a year ago, and that episode involved at least as much crying as it did riding.
But while I was in Maine, I decided that when I got back home, I would make the effort (later in September) to go to the place in the Midwest with the best mountain biking that I've experienced: Copper Harbor in the U.P. It's wayyyyy up there. Like 7 hours away. But it's so beautiful and so worth the trip. And one of the things I really learned from him is sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do the long drive so you can get where you want to go. I'm trying to get some friends to go with me, but if I can't work that out, I'm going to go by myself. To reclaim it.
In the same vein, at the yoga class I went to yesterday I met a woman who is a mountain biker, and she said she'd ride with me around here, which made me feel like a whole new world will be opening up to me. One that contains other people who love these fun sports. And eventually, other dudes with beautiful arms and the fire to take on such activities in mid-life. Dudes whose home base is not the East Coast. Which gives me a lot more hope for my future than I had yesterday when I was still busy wallowing in self-pity because I didn't get the man I wanted. Or I got him. But I didn't get to keep him.
So today, after practicing yoga and then having brunch at a friend's house, I headed out to CamRock for some riding closer to home. It was a gorgeous summer day, and I had a lot of fun racing through the woods and prairie. I didn't even have any tears -- granted, I'd just had a session in the car where I screamed the words to my favorite breakup song ever -- One -- "You asked me to enter but then you made me crawl, I can't keep holding on, to what you got, when all you've got is hurt." And that little bit of music therapy helped me get some tears out of the way so I could just get out there on my bike and enjoy myself.
And as I rode, I heard the lyrics to this somewhat annoying but also pretty great song about the wildness in all of us -- a wildness that feels positively celebrated ripping trails on a mountain bike:
I am a wild child, yes I am
I love the country and I
I wanna run free and I
Don't wanna live up to anyone's plan
I wanna feel the good vibes and I
Wanna feel the sunshine with you,
By my side
I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight
Take me where the music's playin'
Get me on the dancefloor
Pull me a little closer
I am a wild child, yes I am
I wanna feel the good vibes and I
Wanna feel the sunshine with you,
By my side
I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight
I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight
Yessiree, new man, mountain biker, and fellow wild child: You can hold me tight if you wanna -- but if you do -- please don't let go...
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Saturday, August 30, 2014
One Way Street
This morning I awoke with a heavy heart. I told my favorite New Englander before I left that I was going to need to cut the cord and not have contact with him, but I haven't been ready to do that just yet. There were still things I wanted to say. Saying my piece is important, and it's part of the process. But so is dealing with the fact that the person on the other end isn't really hearing it, or if he is, he isn't responding. Maybe even can't respond right now. I had the sense when I was out there that he was really protecting himself. My therapist used to show me the ways in which he was holding me at arm's length, even when I didn't see that. I didn't want to see that.
The East Coaster and I were talking on this trip about when we fell in love. I explained how huge it was for me to have someone listen to me for so many hours, really see who I am as a human being, and fall in love with me as I was falling in love with him. That hadn't happened before, in large part because I hadn't known who I was and wasn't out in the world as my true self until around the time I met him. Remembering this, he said "That was such a big time for me." And I thought yeah, it was. Because for whatever reason -- be it the glow of new love or the timing or maybe we'll never know -- it was a time when he didn't feel the need to protect himself. When he could let himself be vulnerable. When he was opening to possibility rather than closing inward. We used to talk about crawling into our space together -- it felt so good to do that -- even over the phone. And it's just not possible now, with him so far inside his own head, his own heart, his own body. The way those parts of us combined was absolutely magical.
Once you know that magic, it's very difficult not to feel robbed when it becomes out of reach. Just out of reach, though, not miles. It's like losing by the smallest possible margin. You're losing, but you can taste victory, it was yours, you thought it was yours, and then it wasn't.
I've tried to both explain to him and understand myself what I felt was happening to us but it doesn't seem to be something I can really influence. So this morning I turned on some guided meditations to see if that would help me get some clarity. I started with Buddha Transforms Difficulties, where Jack Kornfield encourages you to conjure up a tough situation and then visualize a spiritual leader like Buddha helping you see another way to be with the problem. At the beginning I was yelling the word "No!" and by the end, I was breathing more calmly. It didn't feel like a big epiphany, but it was a shift.
The next one I did was Forgiveness meditation. That one was juicier. The meditation takes you through three different aspects of forgiveness. Asking others for forgiveness, forgiving yourself, and forgiving others. The first one didn't really resonate today, but the second one, forgiving yourself, really did.
That aspect of the guided meditation goes like this:
"Feel your own sorrows and regret, and sense that finally, you can release this burden and ask and extend forgiveness.
In the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself, betrayed or abandoned myself, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain and fear, out of confusion and anger and hurt. I remember these now, and I offer myself forgiveness.
I forgive myself.
I hold myself in mercy and kind forgiveness.
I offer myself forgiveness in all that I've done. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.
And I do. I know that I only betrayed and abandoned myself because I thought I needed to do that to be loved. I know better now.
And then the third direction began -- forgiving others -- and I got in touch with something sort of unexpected and big -- I'm not ready to forgive my former lover yet. I thought I was. I said I was. But I'm not ready to forgive him for walking away from our love, and in doing so, walking away from himself. I understand he did it to walk back to another part of him, but the only way to do that without abandoning me was to let me in on the decision. He didn't do that. And to this day, he seems to be willing to throw away something that feels to me like it is worth more than that.
But, as the Boss reminds us in the song that came on iTunes right after my guided meditation, love cannot be sustained as a one way street, and I'm afraid -- though it didn't start out that way -- that's what ours became:
Well, if the sun should fall from the sky tomorrow
If the rain brings a tear to your eye I would share your sorrow
If you must go then take your leave
Our love was strong, our love was sweet
But we were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street
In the night, I see only the fire in your eyes
The morning light brings the shadows of your lies
And so the change has come today
And for our wrongs, well, we must pay
We were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street
Oh, my darling, I must, I must confess
This can't be love, no, I am just a man possessed
And so the tide has turned today
We can turn and walk away
'Cause we were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street, yes, we are
Girl, we're walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street
Were we? It didn't feel that way for a long time. It felt like the safest, most mutually beneficial arrangement imaginable. Until it didn't...
The East Coaster and I were talking on this trip about when we fell in love. I explained how huge it was for me to have someone listen to me for so many hours, really see who I am as a human being, and fall in love with me as I was falling in love with him. That hadn't happened before, in large part because I hadn't known who I was and wasn't out in the world as my true self until around the time I met him. Remembering this, he said "That was such a big time for me." And I thought yeah, it was. Because for whatever reason -- be it the glow of new love or the timing or maybe we'll never know -- it was a time when he didn't feel the need to protect himself. When he could let himself be vulnerable. When he was opening to possibility rather than closing inward. We used to talk about crawling into our space together -- it felt so good to do that -- even over the phone. And it's just not possible now, with him so far inside his own head, his own heart, his own body. The way those parts of us combined was absolutely magical.
Once you know that magic, it's very difficult not to feel robbed when it becomes out of reach. Just out of reach, though, not miles. It's like losing by the smallest possible margin. You're losing, but you can taste victory, it was yours, you thought it was yours, and then it wasn't.
I've tried to both explain to him and understand myself what I felt was happening to us but it doesn't seem to be something I can really influence. So this morning I turned on some guided meditations to see if that would help me get some clarity. I started with Buddha Transforms Difficulties, where Jack Kornfield encourages you to conjure up a tough situation and then visualize a spiritual leader like Buddha helping you see another way to be with the problem. At the beginning I was yelling the word "No!" and by the end, I was breathing more calmly. It didn't feel like a big epiphany, but it was a shift.
The next one I did was Forgiveness meditation. That one was juicier. The meditation takes you through three different aspects of forgiveness. Asking others for forgiveness, forgiving yourself, and forgiving others. The first one didn't really resonate today, but the second one, forgiving yourself, really did.
That aspect of the guided meditation goes like this:
"Feel your own sorrows and regret, and sense that finally, you can release this burden and ask and extend forgiveness.
In the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself, betrayed or abandoned myself, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain and fear, out of confusion and anger and hurt. I remember these now, and I offer myself forgiveness.
I forgive myself.
I hold myself in mercy and kind forgiveness.
I offer myself forgiveness in all that I've done. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.
And I do. I know that I only betrayed and abandoned myself because I thought I needed to do that to be loved. I know better now.
And then the third direction began -- forgiving others -- and I got in touch with something sort of unexpected and big -- I'm not ready to forgive my former lover yet. I thought I was. I said I was. But I'm not ready to forgive him for walking away from our love, and in doing so, walking away from himself. I understand he did it to walk back to another part of him, but the only way to do that without abandoning me was to let me in on the decision. He didn't do that. And to this day, he seems to be willing to throw away something that feels to me like it is worth more than that.
Well, if the sun should fall from the sky tomorrow
If the rain brings a tear to your eye I would share your sorrow
If you must go then take your leave
Our love was strong, our love was sweet
But we were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street
In the night, I see only the fire in your eyes
The morning light brings the shadows of your lies
And so the change has come today
And for our wrongs, well, we must pay
We were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street
Oh, my darling, I must, I must confess
This can't be love, no, I am just a man possessed
And so the tide has turned today
We can turn and walk away
'Cause we were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street, yes, we are
Girl, we're walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street
Were we? It didn't feel that way for a long time. It felt like the safest, most mutually beneficial arrangement imaginable. Until it didn't...
Friday, August 29, 2014
Lady
This morning I had a great practice. I found more ease in my body than I have in a while, and that felt awesome.
In the not feeling awesome department, however, is my beat-up heart. This isn't going to go on forever, but I am going to allow myself to feel really sad while that's how I'm feeling. Even though I've been down this road before. Even though maybe I *should* have known better. Or whatever.
I keep repeating the serenity prayer to myself:
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I don't feel very serene just yet, but it seems to help shift my focus off of what I can't change. I also keep returning to a thought I had while walking behind my favorite New Englander on a hike. And that thought was that the love of my life is going to be willing and able to love me back just as much -- just as expressively, forgivingly, demonstratively, graciously -- as I love him. And I'm not getting that from this guy. I haven't been for a long time. Maybe he will continue to grow in self-love and find himself in a space where he can love me that way and be the love of my life. Or maybe, just maybe, he's not the love of my life after all.
Ouch.
The song that started to play internally as I contemplated this today was this classic:
Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you
You have made me what I am and I am yours
My love, there's so many ways I want to say I love you
Let me hold you in my arms forever more
You have gone and made me such a fool
I'm so lost in your love
And oh, we belong together
Won't you believe in my song
Lady, for so many years I thought I'd never find you
You have come into my life and made me whole
Forever let me wake to see you each and every morning
Let me hear you whisper softly in my ear
In my eyes I see no one else but you
There's no other love like our love
And yes, oh yes, I'll always want you near me
I've waited for you for so long
Lady, your love's the only love I need
And beside me is where I want you to be
'Cause, my love, there's somethin' I want you to know
You're the love of my life, you're my lady
Which I listened to (and sang along with) rolled up on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing, this afternoon.
But eventually, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and cheered myself up with this video of Kenny inviting Lionel Richie up to sing it with him. If Lionel Richie kissing Kenny Rogers on the cheek can't put a smile on your face, I don't know what will!
In the not feeling awesome department, however, is my beat-up heart. This isn't going to go on forever, but I am going to allow myself to feel really sad while that's how I'm feeling. Even though I've been down this road before. Even though maybe I *should* have known better. Or whatever.
I keep repeating the serenity prayer to myself:
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I don't feel very serene just yet, but it seems to help shift my focus off of what I can't change. I also keep returning to a thought I had while walking behind my favorite New Englander on a hike. And that thought was that the love of my life is going to be willing and able to love me back just as much -- just as expressively, forgivingly, demonstratively, graciously -- as I love him. And I'm not getting that from this guy. I haven't been for a long time. Maybe he will continue to grow in self-love and find himself in a space where he can love me that way and be the love of my life. Or maybe, just maybe, he's not the love of my life after all.
Ouch.
The song that started to play internally as I contemplated this today was this classic:
Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you
You have made me what I am and I am yours
My love, there's so many ways I want to say I love you
Let me hold you in my arms forever more
You have gone and made me such a fool
I'm so lost in your love
And oh, we belong together
Won't you believe in my song
Lady, for so many years I thought I'd never find you
You have come into my life and made me whole
Forever let me wake to see you each and every morning
Let me hear you whisper softly in my ear
In my eyes I see no one else but you
There's no other love like our love
And yes, oh yes, I'll always want you near me
I've waited for you for so long
Lady, your love's the only love I need
And beside me is where I want you to be
'Cause, my love, there's somethin' I want you to know
You're the love of my life, you're my lady
Which I listened to (and sang along with) rolled up on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing, this afternoon.
But eventually, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and cheered myself up with this video of Kenny inviting Lionel Richie up to sing it with him. If Lionel Richie kissing Kenny Rogers on the cheek can't put a smile on your face, I don't know what will!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Another Story
I got up at 4:45am today so that I could join my friend for practice across town. I'm still tired from my trip and knew it wouldn't be easy to get up but I also knew I desperately needed the yoga and the friendship.
As I pulled up in front of the studio, this song was playing:
These are just flames
Burning in your fireplace
I hear your voice and it seems
As if it was all a dream
I wish it was all a dream
Yup, I can identify with that. I wish this whole saying goodbye to my love thing was all a dream. I'd never heard the song, but I liked it, so I stayed in the car and listened further:
I see a world
A world turning in on itself
Are we just like
Hungry wolves howling in the night
I don't want no music tonight
Can we go on like it once was
I sure do wish we could. But we couldn't get back there this week when we were together, so it's pretty difficult to see how we ever would.
Every time I hear another story
Oh the poor boy lost his head
Everybody feels a little crazy
But we go on living with it
Yeah they go on living with it
I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change much
The sun still rises
Even with the pain
This is something I've confirmed since getting home. Even when it feels like it won't:
I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change love
The sun still rises
Even through the rain
Can we go on like it once was
Can we go on like it once was
And when we can't go on like it once was, there's not much to do except keep showing up, even through the pain, even through the rain, even through feeling crazy:
Everybody feels a little crazy
Like it once was
Everybody feels a little crazy
Like it once was
And try to trust that eventually, it'll be ok. A friend of mine said to me this week when I called her in tears: "In the end it will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end."
Hmmm. I'm not sure exactly what that means, except that I'm going to get to the other side of all this darkness. And until I start to actually see the light and feel lighter, I'm going to have to do what we in Alanon call fake it 'til you make it...
As I pulled up in front of the studio, this song was playing:
These are just flames
Burning in your fireplace
I hear your voice and it seems
As if it was all a dream
I wish it was all a dream
Yup, I can identify with that. I wish this whole saying goodbye to my love thing was all a dream. I'd never heard the song, but I liked it, so I stayed in the car and listened further:
I see a world
A world turning in on itself
Are we just like
Hungry wolves howling in the night
I don't want no music tonight
Can we go on like it once was
I sure do wish we could. But we couldn't get back there this week when we were together, so it's pretty difficult to see how we ever would.
Every time I hear another story
Oh the poor boy lost his head
Everybody feels a little crazy
But we go on living with it
Yeah they go on living with it
I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change much
The sun still rises
Even with the pain
This is something I've confirmed since getting home. Even when it feels like it won't:
I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change love
The sun still rises
Even through the rain
Can we go on like it once was
Can we go on like it once was
And when we can't go on like it once was, there's not much to do except keep showing up, even through the pain, even through the rain, even through feeling crazy:
Everybody feels a little crazy
Like it once was
Everybody feels a little crazy
Like it once was
And try to trust that eventually, it'll be ok. A friend of mine said to me this week when I called her in tears: "In the end it will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end."
Hmmm. I'm not sure exactly what that means, except that I'm going to get to the other side of all this darkness. And until I start to actually see the light and feel lighter, I'm going to have to do what we in Alanon call fake it 'til you make it...
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Midnight Train to Georgia
When I got home yesterday, I didn't want to be here. I didn't feel happy to be home. I felt anger and rage. There's a huge part of me that feels like a toddler having a temper tantrum because I don't get to have what I want. And I believe it is that part of me that selected this song from the inner jukebox today:
So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh
(He said he's going)
He said he's going back to find
(Going back to find)
Ooh, what's left of his world
The world he left behind not so long ago
Yep, so that happened last summer. It wasn't Georgia, but he did go back to find what's left of his world:
He's leaving
(Leaving)
On that midnight train to Georgia, yeah
(Leaving on the midnight train)
Said he's going back
(Going back to find)
To a simpler place and time, oh yes he is
And he seems to have found a simpler place. A place where he only needs to think about himself. A place where he can pursue his hobbies to his heart's content. Of course, he misses me and the kids. It's not a perfect solution. But it's what his heart led him to do.
There's definitely a part of me, upon seeing him out there, who would like to join him there:
(Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by his side)
I'll be with him
(I know you will)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on a midnight train to Georgia, woo woo)
I'd rather live in his world
(Live in his world)
Than live without him in mine
(Her world is his, his and hers alone)
And this part of me tearfully sang those last four bars over and over today.
But even as I sang, I knew it wasn't true. Because the truth is, nothing is more important to me than being here in Madison while my kids grow up. And although it feels so wrong to me for us to walk away from this love, I can't control that. Just like I can't control whether my favorite New Englander chooses to address the issues that got between us -- in addition to the geography issue -- so all I can do is live my life.
Without him.
In Mine.
So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh
(He said he's going)
He said he's going back to find
(Going back to find)
Ooh, what's left of his world
The world he left behind not so long ago
Yep, so that happened last summer. It wasn't Georgia, but he did go back to find what's left of his world:
He's leaving
(Leaving)
On that midnight train to Georgia, yeah
(Leaving on the midnight train)
Said he's going back
(Going back to find)
To a simpler place and time, oh yes he is
And he seems to have found a simpler place. A place where he only needs to think about himself. A place where he can pursue his hobbies to his heart's content. Of course, he misses me and the kids. It's not a perfect solution. But it's what his heart led him to do.
There's definitely a part of me, upon seeing him out there, who would like to join him there:
(Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by his side)
I'll be with him
(I know you will)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on a midnight train to Georgia, woo woo)
I'd rather live in his world
(Live in his world)
Than live without him in mine
(Her world is his, his and hers alone)
And this part of me tearfully sang those last four bars over and over today.
But even as I sang, I knew it wasn't true. Because the truth is, nothing is more important to me than being here in Madison while my kids grow up. And although it feels so wrong to me for us to walk away from this love, I can't control that. Just like I can't control whether my favorite New Englander chooses to address the issues that got between us -- in addition to the geography issue -- so all I can do is live my life.
Without him.
In Mine.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I Will Always Love You
 |
| These lovers first said hello and last said goodbye on a NE couch |
If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way
And I... will always love you, ooh
Will always love you
You
My darling, you...
Mmm-mm
Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So goodbye
Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need
Oh I don't know, Whitney. I'd like him to cry. Really, really cry about losing me, the way I've really, really cried for the last year, and especially this last week. At least once.
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love
I do want these things for him. I really do. But I don't want to lose him.
And I... will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I, I will always love you.
You.
Darling, I love you.
I'll always...
I'll always love you.
Yes I will. And I cried my little eyes out as I heard it playing inside my head. And when I managed to pick myself up off the couch and pry myself away from him, Whitney was quickly followed by the Stones reminding me I can't always get what I want.
I'll say...
2019 postscript: Just weeks before we are slated to say goodbye again, I came across this beautiful cover featuring Dolly Parton and Brandi Carlile.
And I will, still, always love him... only this time, I'm willing to lose him to create space for more harmony in my own life.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Southern Cross
 |
| The kids at beautiful Sebago Lake |
We'd heard this song when the four of us were driving earlier this week, and it came back to me today:
(Around the world) I have been around the world
(Lookin') Lookin' for that woman girl
(Who knows she knows) Who knows love can endure
And you know it will
I do. I know it will. I wish like hell I didn't have to let go of this love, but I do. We've had a lot of good talks, and it is clear that there isn't another option, at least not right now:
Think about
Think about how many times I have fallen
Spirits are using me larger voices callin'
What Heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten
Nope, it can't be forgotten. And it won't be.
I don't know what the Southern Cross is, but I'm using it here as a metaphor for fully, completely, truly, madly, deeply loving someone, which I've done for the first time with my favorite New Englander:
When you see the Southern Cross for the first time
You understand now why you came this way
'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
But it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day
So I'm sailing for tomorrow my dreams are a dyin'
And my love is an anchor tied to you tied with a silver chain
I have my ship and all her flags are a' flyin'
She is all that I have left and music is her name
Think about
Think about how many times I have fallen
Spirits are using me larger voices callin'
What Heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten
(I've been around the world) I have been around the world
(Lookin') Lookin' for that woman girl
Who knows love can endure
And you know it will, and you know it will yes
Oooh ...
So we cheated and we lied and we tested
And we never failed to fail it was the easiest thing to do
You will survive being bested
Somebody fine will come along make me forget about loving you
He tried to tell me that -- the last line -- when we were talking by the Ocean at Acadia. But I told him I disagreed. Someone fine will come along and love me, and I'll love him, but I will never, ever forget about loving the magnificent creature that I've had the tortured pleasure of spending one last week with:
At the Southern Cross
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Be Here To Love Me
 |
| Tonight's chefs: Reunited, and for today at least, it feels so good |
 |
| The kids at Portland's awesome Deer Oaks Park |
For some reason today I was able to spend more time enjoying the things we did together and less time in tears about the fact that our time together is coming to an abrupt end in just a couple of days.
Cooking dinner with the man who was my man was no exception. As we cooked, we listened to music, and though I wasn't previously familiar with this song, I wound up singing part of it to him as we held each other in the kitchen:
I want you to stay
and hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today
And that's what I did. I held him and told him I'd be here to love him today. And I was. Fully present in the present, even with the goodbye looming in the near future. And it felt good to be there:
The moon's come and gone but a few stars hang on on to the sky
The wind's runnin' free but it ain't up to me ask why
The poets are demanding their pay
They've left me with nothin' to say
'cept hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today
Just hold me and tell me that you'll be here to love me today
And the moon has come and gone. It is a new moon tomorrow, which I'm sure is somehow fitting and symbolic, but for right now, I don't want to think about tomorrow...
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Natural Science
 |
| Searching for Starfish in Kettle Cove, Cape Elizabeth |
One of the things we were excited to see was starfish. The last time we went to Maine, which I believe was about nine years ago, we would wake up in the morning and go down to the water and see hundreds of them.
I'm not sure what happened to them all, but we couldn't find them near Acadia and we couldn't find them near Portland. The best we could do -- and it was enough to entertain my son for quite a while -- was find lots of hermit crabs.
One of the many things I love about my favorite New Englander is his encyclopedic knowledge of music, and as we walked the rocks today, he pulled this song out, the first part of which is about tide pools:
When the ebbing tide retreats
Along the rocky shoreline
It leaves a trail of tidal pools
In a short-lived galaxy
Each microcosmic planet
A complete society
A simple kind mirror
To reflect upon our own
All the busy little creatures
Chasing out their destinies
Living in their pools
They soon forget about the sea...
Do they, though? Because I feel like I am in a tide pool of sorts. There's less and less room to move around in this love now. It's lonelier. But I still remember what it felt like to swim effortlessly in the vastness of it, and I wish desperately that we could get back to that sea of love together.
But it doesn't appear that we can.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Don't Turn Around
 |
| The crew at the top of the "Beehive" |
We didn't leave to drive back to Portland until about 8pm, so it was late and we were all tired. I volunteered to drive since I'd had a caffeinated latte that afternoon which is not something my body takes lightly.
We all chatted for part of the trip, but then my daughter and my ex fell asleep and my son was playing a video game. Luckily, I had plenty of good tunes to listen to, including this one that felt quite apropos as I sang along:
I will survive without you
Don't tell me that you wanna leave
If you wanna leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out the door
See if I care
Go on and go, but
Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know
I won't let you know
Unlike my Ace of Base friends, I have let him know. And he wouldn't believe for a second that I don't miss his arms around me holding me tight. I don't know that I've ever missed anything more:
I won't miss your arms around me
Holding me tight
And if you ever think about me
Just know that I'll be alright
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
I will survive
I'll make it through
I'll even learn to live without you
I know I will. I just wish I didn't have to, and being back with him this week is reminding me, as I knew it would, of all the things I love about him:
I wish I could scream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you
Don't go
I felt that way as he was leaving Madison, but I knew I couldn't ask him to stay if it wasn't what his heart was telling him to do. And there's something about him here that feels healthier than it did when he was living in Wisconsin. If him going means getting healthier, then I feel like I have to be for that, even if my heart refuses to play along:
Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
And I am. I did it once before, and then he thought he might come back after all, and then I told him the things I felt were issues that needed to be worked out before that could happen AND he had a big drag of a personal issue he had to deal with, and by May, we felt we had no choice but to call it quits. Being back together this week makes that seem like a huge mistake -- letting us go -- but I can't make that decision for both of us and I don't want to be with him if he isn't able to joyfully make the choice to be with me...
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Peace
 |
| What can I say? I find this man irresistible! |
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace
Like I said yesterday, that's just what made the most sense to me. Until it didn't. After his admission, he no longer seemed like the warm and safe place I am looking for:
Everybody needs a place
Somewhere that’s warm and safe
A shelter from this crazy world we’re in,
But tonight I let the rain inside
And took away your place to hide
I’m sorry that I made you cry again
Yep, he let the rain inside. Or that's how it felt to me. But by the end of the day today, I felt like I was going to have to physically harm him if I didn't get to be physical with him so I decided to swallow my pride and make an overture in that direction:
Oh, we can make this right,
Oh, kiss me good night
I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace
Yeah, I want peace
Yeah, I did, and dang, I felt more peaceful lying next to him tonight than I had in a long, long time:
Oh, we don't have to fight
Oh, just kiss me all night
'Cause I want peace, yeah
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Jealous Guy
 |
| Gorgeous weather and gorgeous scenery at Acadia |
And it can't be comfortable when your mother cries, as I did when we heard this song (the Roxy music cover) while we were all driving around Acadia National Park:
I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy
I know that my favorite New Englander didn't mean to hurt me. But even in the first 24 hours, I found being with him and not being with him really difficult. It felt wrong on a physical level, it felt wrong on a spiritual level, and it felt wrong on an emotional level.
We weren't sure how to navigate spending a week together with my kids after we broke up, but as it drew closer, I was feeling like we might as well spend the week loving each other since I knew that would be what felt the most natural. That is until two days before I left, when I found out he'd slept with someone else. I didn't know at first -- I didn't ask and he didn't specify -- whether it was before or after we broke up on May 1. Turns out it was after, but in any case, it brought up feelings of the very same jealousy and insecurity of which Roxy music sings (Elliot Smith also does a brilliant cover):
I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy
I was trying to catch your eye
Thought that you were trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you
I knew my favorite New Englander was sorry to make me cry, but I found being in his presence and not being his girlfriend tragic. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that's how it felt. Wrong. I guess I'm lucky he lives so far away. I can't imagine what it is like for people who still love their ex and have to see them on a regular basis...
Thursday, August 14, 2014
So Alive
I went to see my acupuncturist yesterday, and told her I was feeling more tired than usual and that I'd noticed that my phelgm was thicker than normal. She diagnosed me with a yang deficiency and treated me accordingly. She said to take it easy and avoid dairy products, especially sweet ones, like ice cream. Not my favorite prescription, but I managed to forgo the ice cream treats in my freezer last night.
And, this morning, instead of going across town in the very early morning to practice, I decided to sleep instead. (The nice thing about a six day a week practice is that it leaves a little wiggle room.)
As I headed out on my bike en route to the Capitol, it was downright chilly. And if you're a biker or a runner or really anyone who exercises outdoors, you know that the most expedient way to deal with the snot that arises while exercising when it's cold outside is snot rockets. That's right: finger over one nostril, blow out the other. Only it works better when you're not suffering from a yang deficiency. Yep, this morning, when I tried to clear them out, some of the snot rocketed right onto my sunglasses. Ew.
I probably wouldn't have chosen to blog about this rather grody event, except that it inspired my choice of song for today, sung by none other than Love and Rockets:
I don't know what color your eyes are, baby
But your hair is long and brown
Your legs are strong and you're so, so long
And you don't come from this town
My head is a full of magic, baby
And I can share this with you
The feel I'm on a cross again, lately
But it's nothing to do with you
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
This drug makes me crazy
Makes me see you more clearly
Oh, baby, now I can see you
Wish I could stop, switch off the clock
Make it all happen for you
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
Yes I am. And hopefully by the time it is time for my kids and I to hit the road again, I'll be back to full energy!
And, this morning, instead of going across town in the very early morning to practice, I decided to sleep instead. (The nice thing about a six day a week practice is that it leaves a little wiggle room.)
As I headed out on my bike en route to the Capitol, it was downright chilly. And if you're a biker or a runner or really anyone who exercises outdoors, you know that the most expedient way to deal with the snot that arises while exercising when it's cold outside is snot rockets. That's right: finger over one nostril, blow out the other. Only it works better when you're not suffering from a yang deficiency. Yep, this morning, when I tried to clear them out, some of the snot rocketed right onto my sunglasses. Ew.
I probably wouldn't have chosen to blog about this rather grody event, except that it inspired my choice of song for today, sung by none other than Love and Rockets:
 |
| Upon my arrival at the Capitol: Snot free! |
But your hair is long and brown
Your legs are strong and you're so, so long
And you don't come from this town
My head is a full of magic, baby
And I can share this with you
The feel I'm on a cross again, lately
But it's nothing to do with you
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
This drug makes me crazy
Makes me see you more clearly
Oh, baby, now I can see you
Wish I could stop, switch off the clock
Make it all happen for you
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
Yes I am. And hopefully by the time it is time for my kids and I to hit the road again, I'll be back to full energy!
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Honesty
I've been more tired than usual since getting back from our vacation, so I haven't been doing as much in the evenings after work. But the one thing I haven't neglected is getting to Alanon meetings. I find them especially helpful after spending time with my extended family.
I went to a meeting tonight, and as usual people shared their pain and their experiences. But one particular person's sharing really stood out for me. It came from a man who shared that he'd recently undergone a bunch of testing, and had learned that he was cognitively disabled as well as depressed. This man went on to talk about how drugs and alcohol had affected his life -- how he was always numb, so he had never really come to terms with what he was dealing with in terms of his mental illness and disability. He said he now understood that using drugs and alcohol was like throwing fuel on the fire in terms of his depression, and that he now understood that he could make a different choice.
I was blown away. How is it that this man, suffering from cognitive disabilities, can understand what members of my own family, who do not have such problems, can't or won't understand? I sought him out after the meeting, and told him that he may be cognitively disabled, but he understands something that many, many people don't or won't: using drugs and alcohol to cope with depression is like saying you not only want to stay depressed, you want to go even further down.
This man also talked about how dishonest he was during the time that he was using, and how he'd lost his wife and had strained relationships with his children. It made me think about the fact that the most pervasive, and probably the most damaging, kind of dishonesty is lying to ourselves. And if we don't tell ourselves the truth, how can we expect to tell it to others?
As I was pondering this, Billy Joel started singing to me:
If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Cause you're the one that I depend upon
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
The honesty that people tend to exhibit around Alanon tables is one reason I get so much out of meetings when I go. Listening to other people talk, I almost always learn ways to be more honest with myself, and feel inspired to live my life from that place...
I went to a meeting tonight, and as usual people shared their pain and their experiences. But one particular person's sharing really stood out for me. It came from a man who shared that he'd recently undergone a bunch of testing, and had learned that he was cognitively disabled as well as depressed. This man went on to talk about how drugs and alcohol had affected his life -- how he was always numb, so he had never really come to terms with what he was dealing with in terms of his mental illness and disability. He said he now understood that using drugs and alcohol was like throwing fuel on the fire in terms of his depression, and that he now understood that he could make a different choice.
I was blown away. How is it that this man, suffering from cognitive disabilities, can understand what members of my own family, who do not have such problems, can't or won't understand? I sought him out after the meeting, and told him that he may be cognitively disabled, but he understands something that many, many people don't or won't: using drugs and alcohol to cope with depression is like saying you not only want to stay depressed, you want to go even further down.
This man also talked about how dishonest he was during the time that he was using, and how he'd lost his wife and had strained relationships with his children. It made me think about the fact that the most pervasive, and probably the most damaging, kind of dishonesty is lying to ourselves. And if we don't tell ourselves the truth, how can we expect to tell it to others?
As I was pondering this, Billy Joel started singing to me:
If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Cause you're the one that I depend upon
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
The honesty that people tend to exhibit around Alanon tables is one reason I get so much out of meetings when I go. Listening to other people talk, I almost always learn ways to be more honest with myself, and feel inspired to live my life from that place...
Saturday, August 9, 2014
(I'd Go The) Whole Wide World
 |
| The bride and groom exchange vows |
The wedding was held at the groom's family farm -- which was beautiful and complete with cows, kittens, roosters and hens.
The wedding was beautiful too, and I especially liked the song they chose for their first dance. The original was by an artist I've never heard of -- Wreckless Eric -- but The Proclaimers also do a great rendition:
 |
| My family with our honorary family member |
My mama said to me
There's only one girl in the world for you
And she probably lives in Tahiti
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her
Or maybe she's in the Bahamas
Where the Carribean sea is blue
Weeping in a tropical moonlit night
Because nobody's told her 'bout you
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Find out where they hide her
Why am I hanging around in the rain out here
Trying to pick up a girl
Why are my eyes filling up with these lonely tears
When there're girls all over the world
Is she lying on a tropical beach somewhere
Underneath the tropical sun
Pining away in a heatwave there
Hoping that I won't be long
I should be lying on that sun-soaked beach with her
Caressing her warm brown skin
And then in a year or maybe not quite
We'll be sharing the same next of kin
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Find out where they hide her
Super sweet, romantic song, and I'm really, really happy for them. He found her, and they've got the whole wide world ahead of them. They're off to Indonesia for a honeymoon and then I have a feeling, before too long, our super awesome babysitter will start having babies of her own.
But I'd be remiss if I marked this day without also mentioning that when we arrived at the wedding, I was exhausted from the family vacation, and the kids responded to that by full-on fighting: swearing at each other and chasing each other with sticks. It was ugly, and it made me wish for someone else on my team. A partner. You know, someone who'd go the whole wide world just to find me...
Monday, August 4, 2014
Machine Head
I didn't trust my phone to continuously play music on a long run in Michigan, so I went without. One of the things I like about doing that is that it leaves more space for my inner jukebox to play the tunes it feels like playing, and on today's run, it was this song, over and over again:
Breathe in breathe out
Tied to a wheel fingers got to feel
Bleeding through a tourniquet smile
I spin on a whim slide to the right
I felt you like electric light
For our love
For our fear
For our rise against the years and years and years
Got a machinehead better than the rest
Green to red machinehead
I walk from my machine
I walk from my machine
Deaf dumb and thirty
Starting to deserve this
Leaning on my conscience wall
Blood is like wine
Unconscious all the time
If I had it all again
I'd change it all
Probably because I needed reminders to breathe this week, but it also made me think about the possibility of using music in my yoga teaching. I think I'll start making some playlists if I can figure out how...
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Migration
I'm getting ready to take my kids to Michigan for a week with my family. Although my family has been vacationing in the same spot since before I can remember -- I took my first steps at the cottage where most of my family will be staying -- I haven't been back for the last six years.
You see, along with beautiful beaches, campfires, swimming and building sand castles with cousins, came some of the worst family fights I can remember. And the last year we went -- the last year I was married -- was especially difficult because instead of being supports for each other, my husband and I were fighting too. After that, I've made the decision to either not go or to go to a different place in Michigan with my friend's family instead.
Over the years, my kids have asked to go and felt sad when their cousins talked about it, but I knew I just didn't have it in me to go without a partner. Until now. Now I know that even without a physical person by my side (other than my kids whom I don't want to rely on to support me), I am supported. So many in my tribe -- not my family of origin or extended family but my tribe -- are sending me love and strength for this coming week.
I picked this song to mark this pre-departure day for three reasons:
1) It is about going back to the same spot
2) It's about birds which are highly symbolic for me
3) It's about a transcendent love -- a love that knows no fear -- a love that always knows which way to go:
My love will sail this ship
through great storms and ice floes.
He is not afraid as I am,
he is not afraid.
And this is why he knows the way.
And this is why he knows the way.
He knows the way.
The old me would've been bothered by the fact that the transcendent love in these lyrics is referred to as "he." Now I just accept that some people choose to call that love God -- and see him as male. I don't share this view, but it's ok if our forces for good look different -- they serve the same purpose:
Oh my brothers and sisters, he is so kind,
despite the losses that have made us this sad.
Five blocks of sidewalk chalk he steers us clear of,
blue ice skaters and animals.
And this is why he knows the way.
And this is why he knows the way.
He knows the way.
All the birds of this neighborhood are leaving.
Some days we feel left behind.
This year, my kids and I won't be left behind as my family once again returns, for the 43rd year, to the same spot on Lake Michigan. We will be staying about 3/4 mile away from the rest of the family, in our own little space. A refuge.
Part of me is happy we'll be joining the rest of the family this year. Part of me is bracing for what may come. My hope is that by showing up and staying fully conscious, I can let go just a little bit more of what I may have needed to brace myself for in the past. Because this time, I'm not a helpless child in the middle of an ugly, drunken family feud with nowhere else to go. I am a grown woman with tremendous strength and support. I have a car, and I decide whether we stay or go if things get ugly. And having that knowledge makes all the difference...
You see, along with beautiful beaches, campfires, swimming and building sand castles with cousins, came some of the worst family fights I can remember. And the last year we went -- the last year I was married -- was especially difficult because instead of being supports for each other, my husband and I were fighting too. After that, I've made the decision to either not go or to go to a different place in Michigan with my friend's family instead.
Over the years, my kids have asked to go and felt sad when their cousins talked about it, but I knew I just didn't have it in me to go without a partner. Until now. Now I know that even without a physical person by my side (other than my kids whom I don't want to rely on to support me), I am supported. So many in my tribe -- not my family of origin or extended family but my tribe -- are sending me love and strength for this coming week.
I picked this song to mark this pre-departure day for three reasons:
1) It is about going back to the same spot
2) It's about birds which are highly symbolic for me
3) It's about a transcendent love -- a love that knows no fear -- a love that always knows which way to go:
My love will sail this ship
through great storms and ice floes.
He is not afraid as I am,
he is not afraid.
And this is why he knows the way.
And this is why he knows the way.
He knows the way.
The old me would've been bothered by the fact that the transcendent love in these lyrics is referred to as "he." Now I just accept that some people choose to call that love God -- and see him as male. I don't share this view, but it's ok if our forces for good look different -- they serve the same purpose:
Oh my brothers and sisters, he is so kind,
despite the losses that have made us this sad.
Five blocks of sidewalk chalk he steers us clear of,
blue ice skaters and animals.
And this is why he knows the way.
And this is why he knows the way.
He knows the way.
All the birds of this neighborhood are leaving.
Some days we feel left behind.
This year, my kids and I won't be left behind as my family once again returns, for the 43rd year, to the same spot on Lake Michigan. We will be staying about 3/4 mile away from the rest of the family, in our own little space. A refuge.
Part of me is happy we'll be joining the rest of the family this year. Part of me is bracing for what may come. My hope is that by showing up and staying fully conscious, I can let go just a little bit more of what I may have needed to brace myself for in the past. Because this time, I'm not a helpless child in the middle of an ugly, drunken family feud with nowhere else to go. I am a grown woman with tremendous strength and support. I have a car, and I decide whether we stay or go if things get ugly. And having that knowledge makes all the difference...
Friday, August 1, 2014
In God's Country
I had a great week of practice this week, but because I was also responsible for getting my kids to camp four of the five days, it was a week of very early mornings. I kept finding that I would get really tired at 7pm, but by the time 10pm rolled around and my kids were finally in bed, I'd get a second wind and would be unable to fall asleep quickly. By Thursday night, when my kids were at their Dad's, I told myself I'd just go to sleep whenever I got tired, which happened to be 6:30pm. I was awake for an hour in the middle of the night, but all told by the time my alarm went off I'd gotten 11 hours of sleep!
As a result, I felt like a million bucks today. My practice felt easy and my Arboretum loop was the second fastest I've done -- not because I needed to be somewhere like the fasted one -- but because I felt like running fast.
When I heard this song on my run, a number of parts spoke to me, starting with the first line of this verse:
Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah, yeah
Set me alight
We'll punch a hole right through the night
Everyday the dreamers die
See what's on the other side
And then there's the first two lines of this verse, which have always been my favorite:
She is liberty
And she comes to rescue me
Hope, faith, her vanity
The greatest gift is gold
This has been such a gorgeous summer in Madison -- the most beautiful I can remember. And running through the Arb -- well, it does feel like God's country:
Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah
But I'm gonna have to part ways with Bono on the last verse, because I don't feel burned by the fire of love -- I just feel warmed by it:
Naked flame
She stands with a naked flame
I stand with the sons of Cain
Burned by the fire of love
Burned by the fire of love
As a result, I felt like a million bucks today. My practice felt easy and my Arboretum loop was the second fastest I've done -- not because I needed to be somewhere like the fasted one -- but because I felt like running fast.
When I heard this song on my run, a number of parts spoke to me, starting with the first line of this verse:
Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah, yeah
Set me alight
We'll punch a hole right through the night
Everyday the dreamers die
See what's on the other side
And then there's the first two lines of this verse, which have always been my favorite:
She is liberty
And she comes to rescue me
Hope, faith, her vanity
The greatest gift is gold
This has been such a gorgeous summer in Madison -- the most beautiful I can remember. And running through the Arb -- well, it does feel like God's country:
Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah
But I'm gonna have to part ways with Bono on the last verse, because I don't feel burned by the fire of love -- I just feel warmed by it:
Naked flame
She stands with a naked flame
I stand with the sons of Cain
Burned by the fire of love
Burned by the fire of love
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
