Honesty

I've been more tired than usual since getting back from our vacation, so I haven't been doing as much in the evenings after work. But the one thing I haven't neglected is getting to Alanon meetings. I find them especially helpful after spending time with my extended family.

I went to a meeting tonight, and as usual people shared their pain and their experiences. But one particular person's sharing really stood out for me. It came from a man who shared that he'd recently undergone a bunch of testing, and had learned that he was cognitively disabled as well as depressed. This man went on to talk about how drugs and alcohol had affected his life -- how he was always numb, so he had never really come to terms with what he was dealing with in terms of his mental illness and disability. He said he now understood that using drugs and alcohol was like throwing fuel on the fire in terms of his depression, and that he now understood that he could make a different choice.

I was blown away. How is it that this man, suffering from cognitive disabilities, can understand what members of my own family, who do not have such problems, can't or won't understand? I sought him out after the meeting, and told him that he may be cognitively disabled, but he understands something that many, many people don't or won't: using drugs and alcohol to cope with depression is like saying you not only want to stay depressed, you want to go even further down.

This man also talked about how dishonest he was during the time that he was using, and how he'd lost his wife and had strained relationships with his children. It made me think about the fact that the most pervasive, and probably the most damaging, kind of dishonesty is lying to ourselves. And if we don't tell ourselves the truth, how can we expect to tell it to others?

As I was pondering this, Billy Joel started singing to me:

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know

When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Cause you're the one that I depend upon

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

The honesty that people tend to exhibit around Alanon tables is one reason I get so much out of meetings when I go. Listening to other people talk, I almost always learn ways to be more honest with myself, and feel inspired to live my life from that place...