Another Story

I got up at 4:45am today so that I could join my friend for practice across town. I'm still tired from my trip and knew it wouldn't be easy to get up but I also knew I desperately needed the yoga and the friendship.

As I pulled up in front of the studio, this song was playing:

These are just flames
Burning in your fireplace
I hear your voice and it seems
As if it was all a dream
I wish it was all a dream

Yup, I can identify with that. I wish this whole saying goodbye to my love thing was all a dream. I'd never heard the song, but I liked it, so I stayed in the car and listened further:

I see a world
A world turning in on itself
Are we just like
Hungry wolves howling in the night
I don't want no music tonight

Can we go on like it once was

I sure do wish we could. But we couldn't get back there this week when we were together, so it's pretty difficult to see how we ever would.

Every time I hear another story
Oh the poor boy lost his head
Everybody feels a little crazy
But we go on living with it
Yeah they go on living with it

I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change much
The sun still rises
Even with the pain

This is something I've confirmed since getting home. Even when it feels like it won't:

I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change love
The sun still rises
Even through the rain

Can we go on like it once was
Can we go on like it once was

And when we can't go on like it once was, there's not much to do except keep showing up, even through the pain, even through the rain, even through feeling crazy:

Everybody feels a little crazy
Like it once was
Everybody feels a little crazy
Like it once was

And try to trust that eventually, it'll be ok. A friend of mine said to me this week when I called her in tears: "In the end it will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

Hmmm. I'm not sure exactly what that means, except that I'm going to get to the other side of all this darkness. And until I start to actually see the light and feel lighter, I'm going to have to do what we in Alanon call fake it 'til you make it...