Don't Turn Around

The crew at the top of the "Beehive"

We had such a wonderful time at Acadia. Whale watching, sea kayaking, hiking, camping -- it was all really, really great.

We didn't leave to drive back to Portland until about 8pm, so it was late and we were all tired. I volunteered to drive since I'd had a caffeinated latte that afternoon which is not something my body takes lightly.

We all chatted for part of the trip, but then my daughter and my ex fell asleep and my son was playing a video game. Luckily, I had plenty of good tunes to listen to, including this one that felt quite apropos as I sang along:

I will survive without you

Don't tell me that you wanna leave

If you wanna leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out the door
See if I care
Go on and go, but

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know
I won't let you know

Unlike my Ace of Base friends, I have let him know. And he wouldn't believe for a second that I don't miss his arms around me holding me tight. I don't know that I've ever missed anything more:

I won't miss your arms around me
Holding me tight
And if you ever think about me
Just know that I'll be alright
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
I will survive
I'll make it through
I'll even learn to live without you

I know I will. I just wish I didn't have to, and being back with him this week is reminding me, as I knew it would, of all the things I love about him:

I wish I could scream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you
Don't go

I felt that way as he was leaving Madison, but I knew I couldn't ask him to stay if it wasn't what his heart was telling him to do. And there's something about him here that feels healthier than it did when he was living in Wisconsin. If him going means getting healthier, then I feel like I have to be for that, even if my heart refuses to play along:

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go

And I am. I did it once before, and then he thought he might come back after all, and then I told him the things I felt were issues that needed to be worked out before that could happen AND he had a big drag of a personal issue he had to deal with, and by May, we felt we had no choice but to call it quits. Being back together this week makes that seem like a huge mistake -- letting us go -- but I can't make that decision for both of us and I don't want to be with him if he isn't able to joyfully make the choice to be with me...