Come On Get Higher (I Miss the Sound of Your Voice)

My son has been nursing a couple of sports-related injuries, and I was going to call the doctor yesterday when I realized there was someone we could ask who would definitely know what he should do: The New Englander.

So I sent him a text and asked if my son could call him about it, and he said of course.

I didn't actually talk to him myself -- other than saying hi because he was on speakerphone when my kids talked to him -- but even so, just hearing his voice had a profound impact on me.

It used to be that every time I heard the sound of his voice -- since he moved away that is -- I would break down and cry. But that didn't happen last night. Instead, I was mostly ok with it, except for the part of me that was more than ok with it. That's right, despite the time that has passed and what has transpired between us - the sound of that man's voice is still like an on-switch for my girl parts.

And that's ok. We've always had a strong physical connection. We probably always will. I no longer confuse that for what it takes to have a meaningful partnership in this life -- but it is absolutely undeniable. And so I'm letting it be, and marveling a little about how long it has been now that that part of me has been almost dormant. I don't feel like I'm doing that on purpose. I don't feel like I've taken myself off the market. I just feel like now I know what it is like to have a physical relationship with someone you love deeply, and for me, there's no going back to feeling satisfied with anything less.

So this morning, when I woke up after a big night of dreams about the physical nature of my last relationship, this is the song that I heard on my inner ipod:

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms.

I remember the feeling that it was true that everything worked in his arms. But it wasn't really true, not on every level. If it had been, we'd still be together today. It's like the quote on the whiteboard in the office of a woman I met with today said:

"If you're committed to something, you'll find a way. If you're not committed, you'll find an excuse."

Uh-huh.

So now I'm committed to taking this knowledge of how incredible a physical connection can be and not settling for anything less than someone who is fully committed to living this beautiful life with me...

Shooting Star

Yesterday at the gym this song was playing when I walked out of my yoga class:

Don't you know, yeah yeah, Don't you know that you are a shooting star,
Don't you know, don't you know. Don't you know that you are
a shooting star, And all the world will love you just as long,
As long as you are.

And I sang along, at least I thought I did, to one of my students:

Don't you know that you are a superstar?!

Isn't it shooting star? She corrected. I guess according to Bad Company, it is:

Oh oh oh, Don't you know that you are a shooting star,
Don't you know, yeah, don't you know', Don't you know that
you are a shooting star,
Don't you know, yeah,
Don't you know that you are a shooting star,
Don't you, don't you,
don't you, don't you,
Don't you know, don't you
know, oh, yeah, you are,
Yeah, a shooting star, yeah, oh
oh oh oh oh......
Don't you, don't you know
that you are a shooting star,
Don't you don't you know......

I'll tell you who did not turn out to be a superstar or a shooting star, and that was the dude from Tinder whom I talked to on the phone on Friday. So not someone with whom I enjoyed talking.

I decided after that that I either need to get away from online dating altogether or engage in it a little more -- being a potted plant on those sites is doing me zero good.

So I decided to reach out to a dude who looked cool and sounded interesting. He's a fellow ginger, which I find intriguing -- I've never dated another redhead. Not sure I'm gonna date this one, either, but when I asked him if he is a biker, either mountain or road, he said mountain. I said cool, we should go together, he agreed, and then, here's the kicker: He signed his name, and it was, of course, one and the same name as:

1) My first real boyfriend;
2) My first love; (different person from 1)
3) My last love.

I almost wrote back and said nah, never mind, I have a policy against going down this same road again, but I stopped myself. Although some of my friends agree with me that maybe I need to steer clear of boys with this admittedly popular name (but still), others have suggested that the ones that came before are all a warm-up for the real deal who'll have the same name. Who knows? We'll see how this one plays out...

Oxygen

My daughter has been having some trouble with her breathing when she runs. I talked to my acupuncturist about it, and she said to bring her in, because she had a treatment that would help. Well, I did that, but it didn't go so well. And I probably should've known it wouldn't go so well, because my daughter tends toward skepticism, especially when it comes to anything that one could call non-traditional. As does her father. And my father.

Today her Dad took her to see an Allergist. The Allergist suggested she could use an inhaler, but when her Dad gave me that report, he said something that surprised me. He said he remembered when he and I first ran together, that he had trouble breathing, but then I told him how to breathe and the problem went away. So he wondered whether I might do the same for our daughter. I thought that was a positively beautiful suggestion, but our little skeptic disagreed. Hmmmmph.

But for today, with this song, I'm going to choose to appreciate the feeling of oneness that came over me when he made that suggestion:

We all ferment, a face can change
But souls stay young
We're all connected so take a journey
With someone learn to be as one

Still living, sinking, falling, twisting
But I'm breathing you in
Breathing you in oxygen, oxygen

We all ferment, a taste can change
From days so young
You feel rejected, just hold your head up
To the sun learn to be as one

Still living, sinking, falling, we're still living, drifting
I'm breathing you in, breathing you in
Still living, sinking, feeding, twisting, I'm living
I'm breathing you in, breathing you in
Disconnecting oxygen, oxygen, oxygen

Still living, sinking, falling, twisting, still living
I'm breathing you in, breathing you in
Still living, sinking, falling, drifting, we're living
I'm breathing you in, breathing new air

And though we aren't breathing each other in anymore, I think it's lovely that he can express appreciation about at least one of the benefits of the time when we were...

Don't Turn Around

The crew at the top of the "Beehive"

We had such a wonderful time at Acadia. Whale watching, sea kayaking, hiking, camping -- it was all really, really great.

We didn't leave to drive back to Portland until about 8pm, so it was late and we were all tired. I volunteered to drive since I'd had a caffeinated latte that afternoon which is not something my body takes lightly.

We all chatted for part of the trip, but then my daughter and my ex fell asleep and my son was playing a video game. Luckily, I had plenty of good tunes to listen to, including this one that felt quite apropos as I sang along:

I will survive without you

Don't tell me that you wanna leave

If you wanna leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out the door
See if I care
Go on and go, but

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know
I won't let you know

Unlike my Ace of Base friends, I have let him know. And he wouldn't believe for a second that I don't miss his arms around me holding me tight. I don't know that I've ever missed anything more:

I won't miss your arms around me
Holding me tight
And if you ever think about me
Just know that I'll be alright
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
I will survive
I'll make it through
I'll even learn to live without you

I know I will. I just wish I didn't have to, and being back with him this week is reminding me, as I knew it would, of all the things I love about him:

I wish I could scream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you
Don't go

I felt that way as he was leaving Madison, but I knew I couldn't ask him to stay if it wasn't what his heart was telling him to do. And there's something about him here that feels healthier than it did when he was living in Wisconsin. If him going means getting healthier, then I feel like I have to be for that, even if my heart refuses to play along:

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go

And I am. I did it once before, and then he thought he might come back after all, and then I told him the things I felt were issues that needed to be worked out before that could happen AND he had a big drag of a personal issue he had to deal with, and by May, we felt we had no choice but to call it quits. Being back together this week makes that seem like a huge mistake -- letting us go -- but I can't make that decision for both of us and I don't want to be with him if he isn't able to joyfully make the choice to be with me...

Jealous Guy

Gorgeous weather and gorgeous scenery at Acadia

Before my kids and I left for Maine, I had at least one friend tell me not to go. She recounted a tale of a trip her mother took her on, to Europe, with her Mom's ex-boyfriend, that was super uncomfortable for her. I felt pretty strongly that going was the right thing to do, but hearing this made me more aware of the potential for discomfort on my kids' part.

And it can't be comfortable when your mother cries, as I did when we heard this song (the Roxy music cover) while we were all driving around Acadia National Park:

I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I know that my favorite New Englander didn't mean to hurt me. But even in the first 24 hours, I found being with him and not being with him really difficult. It felt wrong on a physical level, it felt wrong on a spiritual level, and it felt wrong on an emotional level.

We weren't sure how to navigate spending a week together with my kids after we broke up, but as it drew closer, I was feeling like we might as well spend the week loving each other since I knew that would be what felt the most natural. That is until two days before I left, when I found out he'd slept with someone else. I didn't know at first -- I didn't ask and he didn't specify -- whether it was before or after we broke up on May 1. Turns out it was after, but in any case, it brought up feelings of the very same jealousy and insecurity of which Roxy music sings (Elliot Smith also does a brilliant cover):

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eye
Thought that you were trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you

I knew my favorite New Englander was sorry to make me cry, but I found being in his presence and not being his girlfriend tragic. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that's how it felt. Wrong. I guess I'm lucky he lives so far away. I can't imagine what it is like for people who still love their ex and have to see them on a regular basis...

Last Goodbye

Today had a distinctive Jeff Buckley feel to it, and by that I mean melancholy. Hard. And given the reason for the melancholy and the hardness, I thought this would be an appropriate song with which to mark this day:

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all

Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

Did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn't know him at all
You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over... it's over

Yes it is. I tried to tell my kids that, but they said: "That's what you said the last time, Mom." Hmmm. I guess it is possible that I did say that before, and I guess I understand that they can't feel or understand the difference between the two times. They don't know, at least not on a conscious level, what's different about me that makes this time different.

I also told their Dad that my relationship was over, because it doesn't work very well to get that kind of information secondhand from the kids. He was nice about it, but it wasn't a comfortable feeling by any stretch of the imagination.

Comfort was something today just refused to offer, and by the end of it, I was not in good shape. I yelled at my daughter, and that never makes either of us feel good. Afterward, I asked both of my kids to come and talk to me.

"I'm angry" I told them. "Not at you, at life, but it is causing me to overreact to things that irritate me in our interactions and I'm sorry about that. I will do what I can to express it appropriately, and I'll go to yoga in the morning. That will help. In the meantime, if you could just try not to give me a hard time about doing things that you know are your jobs, that'd really help."

And they really seemed to hear me...