Jealous Guy

Gorgeous weather and gorgeous scenery at Acadia

Before my kids and I left for Maine, I had at least one friend tell me not to go. She recounted a tale of a trip her mother took her on, to Europe, with her Mom's ex-boyfriend, that was super uncomfortable for her. I felt pretty strongly that going was the right thing to do, but hearing this made me more aware of the potential for discomfort on my kids' part.

And it can't be comfortable when your mother cries, as I did when we heard this song (the Roxy music cover) while we were all driving around Acadia National Park:

I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I know that my favorite New Englander didn't mean to hurt me. But even in the first 24 hours, I found being with him and not being with him really difficult. It felt wrong on a physical level, it felt wrong on a spiritual level, and it felt wrong on an emotional level.

We weren't sure how to navigate spending a week together with my kids after we broke up, but as it drew closer, I was feeling like we might as well spend the week loving each other since I knew that would be what felt the most natural. That is until two days before I left, when I found out he'd slept with someone else. I didn't know at first -- I didn't ask and he didn't specify -- whether it was before or after we broke up on May 1. Turns out it was after, but in any case, it brought up feelings of the very same jealousy and insecurity of which Roxy music sings (Elliot Smith also does a brilliant cover):

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eye
Thought that you were trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you

I knew my favorite New Englander was sorry to make me cry, but I found being in his presence and not being his girlfriend tragic. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that's how it felt. Wrong. I guess I'm lucky he lives so far away. I can't imagine what it is like for people who still love their ex and have to see them on a regular basis...

More Than This

Though it isn't exactly like Scarlett Johansson's with Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, I've been fortunate enough to have my own intergenerational relationship with a man I met over a decade ago at a research conference. Initially drawn to his humor and magnetism which stood out from the rest of the crowd, we fell into an easy rapport that was value-added for both of us at that first and subsequent conferences.

At some point we also started to communicate by email, and we've spoken on the phone on a few occasions as well. It hasn't always been easy to navigate this relationship -- by virtue of the intensity of our connection and the age difference that naturally brings out the father/daughter baggage we both carry -- and so, from time to time, we've let months or even years pass without actively communicating. One of us always reaches out to break the silence at some point, though, and for my part, I can say that as fraught as the friendship has been at times, he has been an invaluable teacher when it comes to learning about myself.

When I was struggling in my marriage and began to have an emotional affair with an old boyfriend, he tried to help me put that past love I was reaching out to in perspective, and pushed me to ask myself what it was that was really holding me back in my relationship with my husband -- was it him, or was it me? And indeed, there was a lot of work I needed to do on myself before I got to the point where I was capable of giving what I wanted to receive in my marriage.

Years later, when I had a spectacular job interview in a place to which my husband did not want to move, he urged me not to let him continue to hold me back. I'd done the work on myself, by that point, and he gave me permission to say enough is enough and walk away from the marriage if I still wasn't getting what I needed.

With my own father so absent from my emotional life and an emotional distance with my now ex-husband that grew steadily over the last half of our marriage, this friend was instrumental in my continued growth and development into the woman I am today. He saw who I was, knew what I was capable of, and pushed me to be a better version of myself.

More than this, I could not ask for:

I could feel at the time
There was no way of knowing
Fallen leaves in the night
Who can say where they're blowing
As free as the wind
And hopefully learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning
More than this - there is nothing
More than this - tell me one thing
More than this - there is nothing
It was fun for a while
There was no way of knowing
Like dream in the night
Who can say where we're going
No care in the world
Maybe I'm learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning
More than this - there is nothing
More than this - tell me one thing
More than this - there is nothing