Jealous Guy

Gorgeous weather and gorgeous scenery at Acadia

Before my kids and I left for Maine, I had at least one friend tell me not to go. She recounted a tale of a trip her mother took her on, to Europe, with her Mom's ex-boyfriend, that was super uncomfortable for her. I felt pretty strongly that going was the right thing to do, but hearing this made me more aware of the potential for discomfort on my kids' part.

And it can't be comfortable when your mother cries, as I did when we heard this song (the Roxy music cover) while we were all driving around Acadia National Park:

I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I know that my favorite New Englander didn't mean to hurt me. But even in the first 24 hours, I found being with him and not being with him really difficult. It felt wrong on a physical level, it felt wrong on a spiritual level, and it felt wrong on an emotional level.

We weren't sure how to navigate spending a week together with my kids after we broke up, but as it drew closer, I was feeling like we might as well spend the week loving each other since I knew that would be what felt the most natural. That is until two days before I left, when I found out he'd slept with someone else. I didn't know at first -- I didn't ask and he didn't specify -- whether it was before or after we broke up on May 1. Turns out it was after, but in any case, it brought up feelings of the very same jealousy and insecurity of which Roxy music sings (Elliot Smith also does a brilliant cover):

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eye
Thought that you were trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you

I knew my favorite New Englander was sorry to make me cry, but I found being in his presence and not being his girlfriend tragic. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that's how it felt. Wrong. I guess I'm lucky he lives so far away. I can't imagine what it is like for people who still love their ex and have to see them on a regular basis...