Storybook Love

The New Englander and me in our early years together

There's no getting around it. I've been feeling sad these past few weeks.

I know that there is a period of adjustment after a breakup. I get that.

Something that is harder for me than normal life is returning home from a trip to an empty house. I've traveled twice this month, and the first time felt super hard, this time just hard.

It's not the loss of the physical body that I'm used to being next to that feels hard this time. It's the loss of the dream. The loss of the partner I thought I had. The loss of the life I thought we were going to share. The loss of the plan for our future. All of it gone.

This song was on a TV show I was watching tonight, and it made me sob like a baby:

Come my love, I'll tell you a tale
of a boy and girl and their love story
and how he loved her oh, so much,
and all the charms she did possess.

Now this did happen once upon a time
When things were not so complex.
And how he worshipped the ground she walked on.
When he looked in her eyes, he became obsessed.

My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel;
it's as real as the feelings I feel

This love was stronger than the powers so dark,
A prince could have within his keeping;
His spells to weave and steal a heart
Within her breast, but only sleeping.

My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel;
it's as real as the feelings I feel

He said, "Don't you know I love you oh, so much,
And lay my heart at the foot of your dress?"
She said, "Don't you know that storybook loves
Always have a happy ending?"

Then he swooped her up, just like in the books,
And on his stallion they rode away.

My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel;
it's as real as the feelings I feel

Correction. My love was like a storybook story. It was as real as the feelings I felt.

Now, along with the gorgeously hued leaves on the trees, all of that is falling away, and dying...

Do You Sleep?

Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
Do you sleep anymore?

I do, Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories, thanks for asking. And when I do, apropos of how it seems you were feeling when you wrote this song, I sometimes, as I did last night, dream of being with my now ex as if we were still together.

Lemme tell you, this makes for a challenging wake-up, a challenging feeling rolling out of bed, and tears at the ready for the better part of the morning as I come back to the reality that it is over.

And now, back to Lisa:

Do you take plight on my tongue like lead?
Do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?
I saw you as you walked across my room.
You looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
And you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.
And I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will see you again.
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.
Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
Do you sleep, do you keep me anymore?
You kick my foot under the table,
I kick you back;
I can't say I'm able to
Stand for you or
Fall for you ever again.
Wish for a perfect setting?
Wishing that I am letting you
Take me where you want me
All over again?
You can't give yourself absolutely to someone else.
And I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will see you again.
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.
I saw you as you walked across my room.
You looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
And you sat on the corner of my bed, and
You smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.
Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
Do you sleep anymore?
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.

This Old Man

I keep this photo next to my bed - I'm about 4 years old here

God knows what's going on with my subconscious, but I'm up in the wee hours with this song from my childhood on repeat:

This old man, he plays one
He plays knick knack on my thumb
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays two
He plays knick knack on my shoe
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays three
He plays knick knack on my knee
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays four
He plays knick knack on my door
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays five
Don't play knick knack on that hive
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays six
He plays knick knack on my sticks
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays seven
He plays knick knack up in heaven
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays eight
He plays knick knack on my gate
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays nine
He plays knick knack on my vine
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

This old man, he plays ten
He plays knick knack all over again
With a knick knack paddy wack
Give a dog a bone
This old man comes rolling home

Strange. Can't really explain it, other than that two days ago I did a guided meditation where people from your childhood who you need to forgive or who need to forgive you show up. The people who showed up for me were not the ones I'd have expected. Not my sister or any of my close friends, but other kids from my neighborhood and/or elementary school.

My lower back really hurts too - another reason for the early morning wakeup, and also pain that can be connected to the inner child.

I love you little Sarah, now go back to sleep please!