Kite

Willow tree at Holy Wisdom: they always take me way back!

Yesterday as I was preparing for my day, this beautiful song came on:

I hid myself from failure and fear
O my dear you're a threat to the bad in us all
They tell themselves that each word from your lips
Or the grace in your eyes overcomes any fall

Over the twilight you're listening for me

A barefoot walk in wet grass: so grounding!

Darling, go to sleep
Cradled by moonlight, I'm dreaming we'll be
Loved so deep

What a perfect day to hear this song -- the day on which I co-facilitated a session at the Breathe for Change yoga teacher training on trauma and somatic release. I told my story, about the developmental trauma I suffered and the powerful healing I've experienced through yoga and other means. It was such an amazing experience -- I felt seen, heard, loved, and also I felt the power of my story to heal others.

And now I'm on a one-day retreat to Holy Wisdom monastery, in the presence of willow trees and wet grass, continuing to heal.

Floating and fighting, like a kite on a string
Till you cut through my tether and changed everything
From the sky you looked small, but I loved you the same
So I darted back quickly to spell out your name
And when they say that I'm just a terrible kite
You'll tell them you're proud of my marvelous flight

Don't hide yourself inside till I'm old
O my dear you're a threat to the bad we all see
I'm beside myself for the touch of your lips
Or the grace of your eyes that can see good in me

Over the twilight you're listening for me
Darling, go to sleep
Cradled by moonlight, I'm dreaming we'll be
Loved so deep

I'm not just dreaming -- we are loved so deep. All of us. And I've been tremendously fortunate to be made even more aware of how true that is over the last couple of days...

Innocent When You Dream

Away he goes...

I drove my son to sleepaway soccer camp yesterday. It wasn't easy driving away, even now that he's 15 and has been away at camp before.  And today is my last day to spend with my daughter before I start my 16 day yoga teacher training intensive, during which I will get to see very little of my kids.

So I was already feeling emotional this morning, but this song put me right over the edge:

The bats are in the belfry
the dew is on the moor
where are the arms that held me
and pledged her love before
and pledged her love before

It's such a sad old feeling
the fields are soft and green
it's memories that I'm stealing
but you're innocent when you dream
when you dream
you're innocent when you dream

Running through the graveyard
we laughed my friends and I
we swore we'd be together
until the day we died
until the day we died

I made a golden promise
that we would never part
I gave my love a locket
and then I broke her heart
and then I broke her heart

Yeah Tom, it happens. And it's ok. Our hearts get broken in large and small ways throughout our lives, I reckon. And as long as we allow the heartbreak to open us rather than shut us down, it's all good...

Take My Love

The look my ex called Archie girl reporter

In addition to the my-Dad-can't-show-his-love blues that came up at the wedding yesterday, I also had a little case of the singles.

It's not that easy being at a wedding by yourself with your kids, reminding yourself that your groom is coming. I believe that, I do, and I'm sure he's worth waiting for, as am I.

This one goes out to the future Mr. and Mrs. Archie (whom, after wanting glasses her whole life, finally gets to wear them for reading!):

You're no sunset, you're no lair
You're the beauty I admire
Burning love, hope, and desire
You're the woods at night on fire
Oh I miss you when it's cold out
Church bells ring I hear you sing out
You're no broken record turning
You're a wild melody
I know I might not be the one you take
Take my love
Take my love

When you told me you can't sleep
Count your sins instead of sheep
Count the ways that you feel weak
but that is not what I see
You're no wreckage, you're a fighter
Scrape the sky by your on power
Sound it loud above the water
You're a wild melody

I know I might not be the one you take
I've got a heart that ain't afraid to break
Take my love
Take my love
Take my love

Reach the windows as you hate
Walls you've built up in flames
Hear the roof cry as it caves
All it's power on your face
No one's had you're heart before
Felt that breathin on your floor
Felt the wolf at your front door
Felt that blood inside you boil

You're no sunset, you're no lair
You're the beauty I admire
You're the woods at night on fire
Burning love, hope, and desire.
Oh I miss you when it's cold out
Church bells ring I hear you sing out
You're no broken record turning
You're a wild melody

Take my love
Take my love
Take my love
Take my love

Yes please, you who are ready to both give and receive the whole package. Take my love!

I Loved Her First

Another Babysitter Gets Married!

My kids and I had the pleasure of attending our third wedding of a former babysitter of theirs. They are such a fun couple, and the wedding was fun too, but I couldn't help but feel some sadness about the contrast between our babysitter's experience with her Dad at her wedding and my own experience with mine.

My Dad refused to give a speech at my wedding; hers gave a beautiful speech, calling her radiant and welcoming her new husband to the family.

I had no dance with the father of the bride at my wedding; our babysitter and her Dad danced to this touching number:

Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each others face
So much in love your alone in this place
Like there's nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first

How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But its still hard to give her away
I loved her first

From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first

I know my Dad loves me. I also know he's unlikely ever to express it in word or in song. And I'm at peace with that, most of the time. But once in a while, some sadness is going to come up, and I'm ok with that too...

If You Ever Want to Be In Love

Here I am with the happy couple

I heard this song as I was driving out of Chicago this morning:

Saw you today after so much time
Felt just like it used to be
Talking for hours 'bout a different life
Surrounded us in memories
We were close never close enough
Where are we now
'Cause if it's torn we can stitch it up
Don't rule it out
Oh no no

And it felt like it captured some of what I felt seeing and being with my cousin again -- particularly because he is now married to his best friend -- which I found really inspiring.

I'll come around
If you ever want to be in love
I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up
If you ever want to be in love
I'll come around

Yesiree, I do want to be in love, the way that they are in love. Not by trying to hang on to the good parts of a relationship that is now over and, while it held so much love, joy, and passion, lacked the whole package.

I drove away feeling inspired about love and possibility and the importance of not settling for less than what you really want by going back to something familiar, as it seems this song (and others like it) encourage:

Wanted to ask if we could have been
But my tongue wouldn't break the seal
You always had something effortless
At school you were the biggest deal
Little quirks close and open up
Time is slipping by
I'm always thinking 'bout the two of us
Replay on my mind
Always playing on my mind

I'll come around
If you ever want to be in love
I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up
If you ever want to be in love
I'll come around

We were, young we were side by side
Don't know when we started losing touch
If you want we could walk around
Maybe that would be enough
Used to talk drinking to the night
I would wake up on the front room floor
All along you'd be in my bed
Make me crazy make me want you more

I'll come around
If you ever want to be in love
I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up
I'll come around
If you ever want to be in love
I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up
If you ever want to be in love
I'll come around

Show Me Love

One of the first men to ever show me love

This weekend I had the distinct pleasure of spending time in the Windy City with my cousin, one of my favorite people in this world but someone I haven't spent real quality time with in, I don't know, 15 years, maybe? Wow.

He and his husband invited me to hang with them at their amazing condo, and the weekend was filled with so many amazing things including:

1) Catching up with one of the most significant people in my childhood -- someone with whom I shared emotional intimacy before I even knew what that meant;

2) Spending time with some really cute pooches (including the one pictured here);

Lucy the French Bulldog definitely showed me some love!

3) A beautiful bike ride along the lakeshore;

4) The most incredible dinners out I've enjoyed in, hmmm, about 10 years, not to mention the incredible cocktails;

5) Getting to know my cousin's husband who is an amazing human being and super fun to hang out with;

6) And last but not least, some music! My cousin and I were way into Madonna as kids, but he introduced me to this woman and this song during the visit and it seemed to capture it best:

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Always been told that I've got too much to write
Too independent to have you by my side
Then my heart said, all of you will see
Just won't live for someone until he lives for me
Never thought I would find love so sweet
Never thought I would meet someone like you
Well now I've found you and I tell you no lie
This love I've got for you
Could take me 'round the world
Now show me love

Show me love, show me life
Baby show me what it's all about
You're the one that I ever needed
Show me love and what it's all about, alright

Don't waste this love I wanna give to you
Tell me what you got, show me what you can do
Show me love, show me everything
I know you've got potential
So baby let me in and show me love

Show me love, show me life (alright)
Baby show me what it's all about
You're the only one that I ever needed (show me love)
Show me love and what it's all about, alright

They showed me love alright. From wining and dining me to charging my cell phone, these two reminded me that there are things I want from my next partner that I didn't have in the last one. I am grateful for both the shift in perspective and the full heart with which I'll leave Chicago tomorrow...

Never Be the Same

Yesterday I read Sheryl Sandberg's post on Facebook about the death of her husband. It was really powerful -- if you haven't read it, I recommend it. Here were my big takeaways and what it brought up for me:

1) Sometimes it feels as if grief will swallow you whole, as if the emptiness you feel will consume you. But losing someone you love leaves you with a choice: you can give in to the emptiness or you can, as much as possible, choose to seek meaning in the life you still have.

I totally hear this, agree with it, and do my best not to let grief consume me. The further out I get from the loss, the easier it is to do this, but it can still hit me like a ton of bricks sometimes.

2) Losing someone you love makes you even more grateful for those you love who are still in your life.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Especially my children. I treasure every day with them.

3) After losing the love of your life, things will get better, but they will never be as good again.

Hmmm. I guess I don't know about this one. I didn't have the experience she had, where you find the love of your life, get married, have kids and expect to grow old together, only to have one of you die. I guess I can see how this might be true for her and people in similar circumstances.

But for me, I see things going one of two ways:

1) I'm going to fall in love again with someone new and realize he was the one I was supposed to be with and marry even though I thought it was the New Englander; or

2) The New Englander is going to have some sort of life-altering moment where he realizes he is worthy of love,  capable of giving and receiving it, and nothing else matters more than that, causing him to show up on my doorstep ready for round 3, or 7, depending on how you count how many times we've tried.

I know number one is more probable. I get that. And I'm good with that, if that's the way it's meant to be. I just feel in my heart that I need to be open to both possibilities.

Speaking of feeling in my heart, as I contemplated the third takeaway from Sheryl Sandberg's post -- about things never being the same -- my inner jukebox pulled out this oldie from Christopher Cross:

It was good for me
It was good for you
Now nothing either of us can say or do
Can change the way you feel tonight
Sometimes love just slips out of sight

Just one thing before you go
Just one thing that you've got to know
No one will ever touch me that way
The way that you did that very first day

And I'll
Never be the same without you here
I'll live alone
Hide myself behind my tears
No I'll
Never be the same without your love
I'll live alone
Try so hard to rise above

The years go by
There's always someone new
To try and help me forget about you
Time and again it does me no good
Love never feels the way that it should

I loved you then I guess I'll love you forever
And even though I know we could never stay together
I think about how it could've been
If we could just start all over again

Guess I'm not alone in maintaining the fantasy, huh, Chris?

Private Eyes

As we were heading out the door this afternoon for my daughter's soccer tryouts, she saw the seat was down in my car and asked me if I was going mountain biking.

"Good idea!" I responded, throwing my mountain bike in the car. Her tryouts were just a couple of miles from Quarry Ridge, but I hadn't thought about going until she asked because I've recently taken a few weeks off to see if my knee would get better. It's been bothering me less lately, though, so I decided I could get back out there.

It didn't feel like I lost much over the break -- I was maybe not quite as good at the climbs but I could still do them (it just took another try at times). As I went to tackle the last in the series of three climbs to get up to the top, all was going well until I realized I had spectators and then lost my game.

"Oh you totally had that and then we messed it up for you!" one of the dudes said. "That's ok," I said, "I just kinda tend to lose it when people are watching."

As I finished the remainder of the climb, I thought about why this is. I'm not exactly sure, but it seems like it comes down to both having confidence in my abilities and being ok with people seeing me either when I succeed or when I fail. I'm glad I have mountain biking to explore this further.

And of course, I'm grateful to Hall and Oates for providing the soundtrack for the rest of my ride:

I see you, you see me
Watch you blowin' the lines
When you're making a scene
Oh girl, you've got to know
What my head overlooks
The senses will show to my heart
When it's watching for lies
You can't escape my

Private Eyes
They're watching you
They see your every move
Private Eyes
They're watching you
Private Eyes
They're watching you
Watching you
Watching you
Watching you

You play with words
You play with love
You can twist it around, baby
That ain't enough
'Cos girl
I'm gonna know
If you're letting me in
Or letting me go
Don't lie
When you're hurting inside
'Cos you can't escape my

Private Eyes
They're watching you
They see your every move
Private Eyes
They're watching you
Private Eyes
They're watching you
Watching you
Watching you
Watching you

Why you try to put up a front for me
I'm a spy but on your side, you see
Slip on into any disguise
I'll still know you
Look into my Private Eyes
They're watching you
They see your every move
Oh, babe, Private Eyes
They're watching you
Private Eyes
They're watching you, yeah
They see your every move
They see it
Ooooh, they're watching you
Private Eyes
They're watching you...

Don't Drop The Baby

I've been having some pretty strange dreams the last few nights, including two about babies. In both dreams, I was concerned about the baby either peeing or pooping. Hmmm....

As I was picking up my bedroom this morning, this song came on:

Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
The baby is small
The baby needs love
The baby will cry

Whatever you do
Don't drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Mom'll be mad
And you will be sad
The baby will cry

Weird dreams. Weird song. Low is such an interesting band. This song is from their box set titled A Lifetime of Temporary Relief. I love that title. I understand about the need for temporary relief. I also understand that ultimately, temporary relief will not cure what ails you.

Speaking of, I read a fascinating article about addiction the other day that someone posted on Facebook. It talked about the role isolation has in perpetuating addiction, and how love and community help addicts recover. Which brought home to me the importance of doing the hard work of peeling back what's in the way of our own ability to be vulnerable so we can enjoy happy, healthy and connected lives...