I was looking forward to so many things about being with the New Englander again, but one of them was sleeping with him. He's so awesome to sleep with, and over the last few months, I've been struggling with getting a good night sleep, so I was extra excited to have his calm, warm body next to mine.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night having had a dream. It didn't make me cry, like in the song we heard Lucero sing this morning:
She's crying herself to sleep every night
'til her eyes shut and find better times
She wakes when she dreams
Sleeps when she wakes
But it did wake me, and I was so grateful that the New Englander was there to hold me and say something along the lines of these Lucero lyrics:
Now sleep my sweet girl
And dream of better days
The rest of this song is also pretty dark, but lucky for me, I'm not just dreaming about better days, I'm LIVING them, WITH my man by my side:
Nothing it seems went according to plan
Who are we kidding, there was never a plan
We followed our instincts
In the worst kind of ways
Now sleep my sweet girl
And dream of better days
She sits at the bar, she smiles and she drinks
She talks the whole night
Never says what she means
She'll fight when she's drunk
We stay outta the way
Now sleep my sweet girl
And dream of better days
She wears a sorrow beauty can't hide
I pray she sheds it and sleep the whole night
She wakes when she dreams
Sleeps when she wakes
At least until he goes back to New England tomorrow. But that's ok. He'll be back for good by July.
So until then, I'll follow this advice:
Now sleep my sweet girl
And dream of better days
Knowing full well they will be here before I know it...
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Monday, January 16, 2017
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Snow
Last night I had a strange but awesome dream. I was up at the top of a mountain at a ski resort, but I wasn't wearing any skis, just boots. I stood at the top of this super icy, mogul run wondering what I was going to do. And then I just started skiing, without skis, so smoothly, so beautifully -- so much more so than the conditions would have allowed even if I had been wearing skis. It was really strange, but also, really incredible.
My interpretation of that dream is that it may not look like I have what I need for life to go smoothly, but I do. The conditions might not look good, but they are, in fact, optimal for me.
For one thing, I've got my love, the original snow-lover, who, when I told him about this bizarre dream, said: "I've had that dream too!"
Yep. We may not be sleeping in the same bed (yet), but our subconsciouses are telling similar stories, and that's gotta be a good sign.
I also have these guys. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and they are the perfect dudes to mark this day:
Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh
When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
When it's killing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to believe that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh, look at what I say oh
The more I see the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
In between the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
Ho!
Went to descend to amend for a friend all the channels that have broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh... listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah.
Even if we don't have any snow ourselves just yet!
My interpretation of that dream is that it may not look like I have what I need for life to go smoothly, but I do. The conditions might not look good, but they are, in fact, optimal for me.
For one thing, I've got my love, the original snow-lover, who, when I told him about this bizarre dream, said: "I've had that dream too!"
Yep. We may not be sleeping in the same bed (yet), but our subconsciouses are telling similar stories, and that's gotta be a good sign.
I also have these guys. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and they are the perfect dudes to mark this day:
Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh
When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
When it's killing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to believe that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh, look at what I say oh
The more I see the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
In between the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
Ho!
Went to descend to amend for a friend all the channels that have broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh... listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah.
Even if we don't have any snow ourselves just yet!
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
O Come All Ye Faithful
I had the best dream last night. The kind that made me wake up in a great mood, and not because something awesome happened in my dream that I wanted to happen in real life, but because something awesomely inexplicable was dancing around in my brain last night.
I dreamt that Becky, the character on Glee with Down Syndrome, got up to do karaoke. She even had an electric guitar, which is unusual for karaoke.
But the best part? The song she rocked out to was O Come All Ye Faithful.
Yeah, that's right, the Christmas Carol:
O come all ye faithful joyful and triumphant
Oh come ye O come ye to Bethlehem;
Come and behold him born the King of angels;
O come let us adore him Christ the Lord.
Weird, right? The best I can figure, this is somehow related to some of the feelings I had about working with such an amazing teacher in Berkeley. He is positively enraptured by the Ashtanga practice and just being around him renewed my own dedication.
And I always loved the Becky character, though I don't remember her ever singing. Maybe that's why she was singing a hymn rather than a popular song in my dream? After all, anybody and everybody can sing at church.
And this is my favorite verse to belt out:
Sing choirs of angels sing in exultation
Sing all ye citizens of heaven above;
Glory to God in the highest:
O come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord.
Can't believe it's already October! It'll be time for Christmas carols before we know it...
I dreamt that Becky, the character on Glee with Down Syndrome, got up to do karaoke. She even had an electric guitar, which is unusual for karaoke.
But the best part? The song she rocked out to was O Come All Ye Faithful.
Yeah, that's right, the Christmas Carol:
O come all ye faithful joyful and triumphant
Oh come ye O come ye to Bethlehem;
Come and behold him born the King of angels;
O come let us adore him Christ the Lord.
 |
| Ashtanga Yoga Berkeley, where the retreat was held |
And I always loved the Becky character, though I don't remember her ever singing. Maybe that's why she was singing a hymn rather than a popular song in my dream? After all, anybody and everybody can sing at church.
And this is my favorite verse to belt out:
Sing choirs of angels sing in exultation
Sing all ye citizens of heaven above;
Glory to God in the highest:
O come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord.
Can't believe it's already October! It'll be time for Christmas carols before we know it...
Monday, August 1, 2016
Don't Give Up
 |
| Had to be my deer medicine yoga pants this am |
I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you
Oof. In the dream, when I saw it, I went to a place of rationalizing -- hate is not the opposite of love, she just needs to figure out what she is angry about and express it -- but when I climbed onto my bike at 6:25 am, a song came belting into my barely awake head that carried a different message:
Got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river's flowing
That river's flowing
And from that I took away the idea that it is time to let that all go. Whatever may come and whatever may go, that river (of life) is flowing. I'm trying, have been trying for years, to become more easy come, easy go. But it's not the way I was formed, so it's a struggle. I looked up the significance of deer -- I love my deer skull yoga pants -- and found this: Deer symbolizes the power in nature that is not easily subdued. Yup, that's me. That's how I'm constructed.
One of my favorite parts of this song is this:
Rest your head, you worry too much
It's going to be alright
When times get rough, you can fall back on us
Don't give up, please don't give up
I'm not gonna give up. That's not the way I'm wired. But I am going to keep trying to rest in the idea that I can let go of what is no longer serving me and settle into knowing I have my people and there's a place where I belong:
Don't give up
'cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not the only one
Don't give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up now
We're proud of who you are
Don't give up
You know it's never been easy
Don't give up
'Cause I believe there's the a place
There's a place where we belong
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Gravity Rides Everything
 |
| The sky on my bike ride to the soccer game |
So when I woke up I did two internet searches -- the first to see what dead mice in dreams is believed to signify:
"To see a dead mouse in your dream implies that you are not letting minor issues bother you. You are not letting your own fears get in the way of what you want. Alternatively, a dead mouse indicates that there is something that you have ignored or neglected for too long."
Hmmm. The main thing I am ignoring is that there very well may be another dead mouse on my basement floor, but I've been too afraid to go check it out.
When it comes to my work, I'm not letting my own fears get in the way of what I want. Not so sure about my social life/love life. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like the teacher at the yoga class I went to on Friday evening was targeting me each time he suggested the need to open our hearts. I'm trying!
I'm definitely feeling the need to branch out a bit and plan more activities on the weekends when I don't have the kids. I was feeling pretty pissed off again about not getting to eat what I want and then I decided to bike to my daughter's soccer game. Although it was chilly, it was also beautiful and enlivening.
I've been really tired this weekend too: Sleeping eight hours and then still wanting a two hour nap. Not sure if it's the change in the weather or the change in my diet but dang, that's a lot of sleep!
Anyway, the second search was for a Modest Mouse song, and this one felt apropos for this bicyclist yoga teacher:
Oh gotta see, gotta know right now
What's that riding on your everything?
It isn't anything at all
Oh gotta see, gotta know right now
What's that writing on your shelf
In the bathrooms and the bad motels?
No one really cared for it at all
Not the gravity plan
Early, early in the morning
It pulls all on down my sore feet
I wanna go back to sleep
In the motions and the things that you say
It all will fall, fall right into place
As fruit drops, flesh it sags
Everything will fall right into place
When we die, some sink and some lay
But at least I don't see you float away
And all the spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place
On some level, I believe this to be true. It will all fall right into place when it's ready. In the meantime, it's my job to figure out my role in the process, and right now it feels like I'm going through a transition...
Thursday, September 10, 2015
All These Things That I've Done
Oof. So I didn't bump into any walls last night, but I did have a pretty disturbing dream.
I dreamt that I went to practice and there was a teacher there (which, in real life, is super rare) unexpectedly (and I always know when it is going to happen). The teacher informed me that it was my last day practicing the primary series (which is what I practice now). I asked if I was moving on to second series, and she said no, basically leaving me series-less.
I didn't know quite what to make of this dream, but it felt significant. When I got to practice, I felt more like meditating than practicing. So I lit a candle, lit some sage, and sat down a cushion. I had trouble settling -- maybe because of the creepy news I'd listened to on my way to the studio (a woman made her baby's formula with vodka instead of water) -- so I decided to do some pranayama (breathing exercises) and that helped calm me down.
During meditation, part of what came up was the same thing that came up during my massage on Tuesday: The need to let go of the desire for significant people in my life to see and acknowledge all of me. It's never gonna happen, in a couple of significant cases, so I need to just let it go.
And that got me thinking about songs that are about letting go, and this one's among my favorites:
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I want to stand up, I want to let go
You know, you know, no you don't, you don't
I want to shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
This whole song is great, but I freaking love the next lyrics:
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Over and again, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
(Time, truth, hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on
Oh I can hold on alright. That's not the problem. I'll keep working on this need for external validation thing. But it does help explain why I had such a hard time letting go of the New Englander: He was the first man to really see all of me and love me. And also, coincidentally, the first to introduce me to The Killers.
Also in the letting go department today, I learned that I did not get into the study I applied for (they are full) and I didn't get a job teaching yoga at the studio where I was hoping to teach.
More opportunities to let go...
I dreamt that I went to practice and there was a teacher there (which, in real life, is super rare) unexpectedly (and I always know when it is going to happen). The teacher informed me that it was my last day practicing the primary series (which is what I practice now). I asked if I was moving on to second series, and she said no, basically leaving me series-less.
I didn't know quite what to make of this dream, but it felt significant. When I got to practice, I felt more like meditating than practicing. So I lit a candle, lit some sage, and sat down a cushion. I had trouble settling -- maybe because of the creepy news I'd listened to on my way to the studio (a woman made her baby's formula with vodka instead of water) -- so I decided to do some pranayama (breathing exercises) and that helped calm me down.
During meditation, part of what came up was the same thing that came up during my massage on Tuesday: The need to let go of the desire for significant people in my life to see and acknowledge all of me. It's never gonna happen, in a couple of significant cases, so I need to just let it go.
And that got me thinking about songs that are about letting go, and this one's among my favorites:
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I want to stand up, I want to let go
You know, you know, no you don't, you don't
I want to shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
This whole song is great, but I freaking love the next lyrics:
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Over and again, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
(Time, truth, hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on
Oh I can hold on alright. That's not the problem. I'll keep working on this need for external validation thing. But it does help explain why I had such a hard time letting go of the New Englander: He was the first man to really see all of me and love me. And also, coincidentally, the first to introduce me to The Killers.
Also in the letting go department today, I learned that I did not get into the study I applied for (they are full) and I didn't get a job teaching yoga at the studio where I was hoping to teach.
More opportunities to let go...
Monday, June 22, 2015
Innocent When You Dream
 |
| Away he goes... |
So I was already feeling emotional this morning, but this song put me right over the edge:
The bats are in the belfry
the dew is on the moor
where are the arms that held me
and pledged her love before
and pledged her love before
It's such a sad old feeling
the fields are soft and green
it's memories that I'm stealing
but you're innocent when you dream
when you dream
you're innocent when you dream
Running through the graveyard
we laughed my friends and I
we swore we'd be together
until the day we died
until the day we died
I made a golden promise
that we would never part
I gave my love a locket
and then I broke her heart
and then I broke her heart
Yeah Tom, it happens. And it's ok. Our hearts get broken in large and small ways throughout our lives, I reckon. And as long as we allow the heartbreak to open us rather than shut us down, it's all good...
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Don't Drop The Baby
I've been having some pretty strange dreams the last few nights, including two about babies. In both dreams, I was concerned about the baby either peeing or pooping. Hmmm....
As I was picking up my bedroom this morning, this song came on:
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
The baby is small
The baby needs love
The baby will cry
Whatever you do
Don't drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Mom'll be mad
And you will be sad
The baby will cry
Weird dreams. Weird song. Low is such an interesting band. This song is from their box set titled A Lifetime of Temporary Relief. I love that title. I understand about the need for temporary relief. I also understand that ultimately, temporary relief will not cure what ails you.
Speaking of, I read a fascinating article about addiction the other day that someone posted on Facebook. It talked about the role isolation has in perpetuating addiction, and how love and community help addicts recover. Which brought home to me the importance of doing the hard work of peeling back what's in the way of our own ability to be vulnerable so we can enjoy happy, healthy and connected lives...
As I was picking up my bedroom this morning, this song came on:
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
The baby is small
The baby needs love
The baby will cry
Whatever you do
Don't drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Whatever you do
Don't Drop the baby
Mom'll be mad
And you will be sad
The baby will cry
Weird dreams. Weird song. Low is such an interesting band. This song is from their box set titled A Lifetime of Temporary Relief. I love that title. I understand about the need for temporary relief. I also understand that ultimately, temporary relief will not cure what ails you.
Speaking of, I read a fascinating article about addiction the other day that someone posted on Facebook. It talked about the role isolation has in perpetuating addiction, and how love and community help addicts recover. Which brought home to me the importance of doing the hard work of peeling back what's in the way of our own ability to be vulnerable so we can enjoy happy, healthy and connected lives...
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Dream Weaver
Today I felt rough. Off. Funky. I wasn't sure what to do with the yucky energy and then my friend texted to see if I wanted to go running. I didn't really want to go, but I knew that it would be a good idea. I'd had a rough night of sleep, including a dream about a death of some sort. It lacked detail, but the force of it was unmistakable.
Just a few steps into the run, I started to say how I was doing and immediately started to cry. I was feeling so hurt and let down by the fact that my kids and I had sent a Christmas box to the New Englander that we'd caringly assembled and he hadn't even bothered to say thank you. I just couldn't wrap my brain or my heart around it. Two weeks had passed since the package was supposed to arrive and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night, walked into the kitchen where I keep my phone at night, and sent him a text asking if he received it. By morning he'd sent one back saying yes, thank you. There were so many things I wanted to reply, but I stopped myself. It's no use. You can't force a person to be considerate. You can, however, give a person who consistently demonstrates a lack of consideration less of your consideration, and when I saw that text, that's what I resolved to do.
When I started to cry while we were running, my friend stopped me from running, hugged me and said "You deserve better."
And I noticed a change in the way that I responded to that phrase or idea. People have been saying that for the last few years at various points in my relationship with the New Englander, and I've consistently, vehemently objected. Knowing his worth, and feeling like I had to fight for it, I'd defend him. I honestly believed there was no such thing as better than him.
I still do believe that, on one level. But now I can also make room for my friend's truth and the truth of all my other friends who said that before her: I deserve better from the person with whom I give and receive love. I deserve better behavior, better actions, better consideration. And I could feel that that truth doesn't need to take away from what an amazing man he is in so many ways, but it does suggest that I need to be in a relationship -- actively giving my love -- to someone who is capable of actively giving it back.
It seems that the trick is for me to learn to let the love be there without needing to believe he'll somehow morph into someone both capable of and thrilled to be in a relationship with me.
With this realization, it seems like I am getting there. For weeks I've asked my dreams for insights into the New Englander's departure and continued absence, and for a long time, I got nothing.
Then when I was up north, they started to come. I dreamt about him on three separate occasions, and each time, the dreams were about him and what he is doing or may someday do with his life. They weren't about us, with the exception of one when where he was calling me at the same time as someone named Joe and I was deciding which call to pick up.
I think the reason that my dreams started to shift was that my mindset (or maybe heartset) has also shifted about him. I realized that it didn't really work to be angry and push the love away -- the love we share has been so life affirming for both of us. So I began to make space for the possibility that I can let the love be there without needing to have any tangible contact with him, and that's when the dreams started to come.
That's right, as the song goes:
I have just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the Dream Weaver train
Driver take away my worries of today
And leave tomorrow behind
Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light
Fly me high through the starry skies
Or maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain
Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light
I love to sleep. I love to dream. I love myself. I love my dream of having a real union that I enter with my heart, soul, mind and body, met by a partner who does the same. I believe in this dream.
But it's not here yet. And that's ok.
I took myself to another movie today. Interstellar. One long ass movie, but worth the investment of time. One that stays in your head long afterward. The kind that I used to like to discuss with my two favorite movie buddies, both of whom moved to the East Coast, and the kind that I will one day soon discuss with a new movie buddy.
Until then, I'm fully capable of taking in movies alone, and afterward, there's always sleep, and dreams:
Though the dawn may be coming soon
There still may be some time
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon
And meet me on the other side
Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light...
Just a few steps into the run, I started to say how I was doing and immediately started to cry. I was feeling so hurt and let down by the fact that my kids and I had sent a Christmas box to the New Englander that we'd caringly assembled and he hadn't even bothered to say thank you. I just couldn't wrap my brain or my heart around it. Two weeks had passed since the package was supposed to arrive and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night, walked into the kitchen where I keep my phone at night, and sent him a text asking if he received it. By morning he'd sent one back saying yes, thank you. There were so many things I wanted to reply, but I stopped myself. It's no use. You can't force a person to be considerate. You can, however, give a person who consistently demonstrates a lack of consideration less of your consideration, and when I saw that text, that's what I resolved to do.
When I started to cry while we were running, my friend stopped me from running, hugged me and said "You deserve better."
And I noticed a change in the way that I responded to that phrase or idea. People have been saying that for the last few years at various points in my relationship with the New Englander, and I've consistently, vehemently objected. Knowing his worth, and feeling like I had to fight for it, I'd defend him. I honestly believed there was no such thing as better than him.
I still do believe that, on one level. But now I can also make room for my friend's truth and the truth of all my other friends who said that before her: I deserve better from the person with whom I give and receive love. I deserve better behavior, better actions, better consideration. And I could feel that that truth doesn't need to take away from what an amazing man he is in so many ways, but it does suggest that I need to be in a relationship -- actively giving my love -- to someone who is capable of actively giving it back.
It seems that the trick is for me to learn to let the love be there without needing to believe he'll somehow morph into someone both capable of and thrilled to be in a relationship with me.
With this realization, it seems like I am getting there. For weeks I've asked my dreams for insights into the New Englander's departure and continued absence, and for a long time, I got nothing.
Then when I was up north, they started to come. I dreamt about him on three separate occasions, and each time, the dreams were about him and what he is doing or may someday do with his life. They weren't about us, with the exception of one when where he was calling me at the same time as someone named Joe and I was deciding which call to pick up.
I think the reason that my dreams started to shift was that my mindset (or maybe heartset) has also shifted about him. I realized that it didn't really work to be angry and push the love away -- the love we share has been so life affirming for both of us. So I began to make space for the possibility that I can let the love be there without needing to have any tangible contact with him, and that's when the dreams started to come.
That's right, as the song goes:
I have just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the Dream Weaver train
Driver take away my worries of today
And leave tomorrow behind
Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light
Fly me high through the starry skies
Or maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain
Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light
I love to sleep. I love to dream. I love myself. I love my dream of having a real union that I enter with my heart, soul, mind and body, met by a partner who does the same. I believe in this dream.
But it's not here yet. And that's ok.
I took myself to another movie today. Interstellar. One long ass movie, but worth the investment of time. One that stays in your head long afterward. The kind that I used to like to discuss with my two favorite movie buddies, both of whom moved to the East Coast, and the kind that I will one day soon discuss with a new movie buddy.
Until then, I'm fully capable of taking in movies alone, and afterward, there's always sleep, and dreams:
Though the dawn may be coming soon
There still may be some time
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon
And meet me on the other side
Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light...
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Flying Dream 143
I mentioned a couple of days ago that the book I'm reading talks about dialoging with your dreams. The author encourages her readers to ask a question before falling asleep so that they may dream the answer.
I tried it last night, asking: "What do I most need to know about my future?"
I dreamt of a softball game. I hit the ball, hard, and took off for first base. And there I stayed. I could've made it to second on the hit alone. I then got another chance when the ball was misthrown on its way back to the pitcher: I stayed on first. The next batter hit the ball, and starting running to claim his position on first, but I didn't budge, so that batter was tagged out. Now that's a pretty telling dream, isn't it? I reckon it means I'm playing it too safe. I need to venture off the base. Ok. I can dig it. It helps me have some direction.
The author also talks about dreams of flying. I never have these dreams, but I hope someday I will, because she says that dreaming that you are flying means you feel capable of anything.
If I were to have such a dream, I have to admit that it would be lovely if it took me to my lover's side, as it happened in this song:
Flying dream 143
I stretched out my arms
And my feet left the floor
And how all fifteen (ahem) stone flew to you
I don't know
I tried it last night, asking: "What do I most need to know about my future?"
I dreamt of a softball game. I hit the ball, hard, and took off for first base. And there I stayed. I could've made it to second on the hit alone. I then got another chance when the ball was misthrown on its way back to the pitcher: I stayed on first. The next batter hit the ball, and starting running to claim his position on first, but I didn't budge, so that batter was tagged out. Now that's a pretty telling dream, isn't it? I reckon it means I'm playing it too safe. I need to venture off the base. Ok. I can dig it. It helps me have some direction.
The author also talks about dreams of flying. I never have these dreams, but I hope someday I will, because she says that dreaming that you are flying means you feel capable of anything.
If I were to have such a dream, I have to admit that it would be lovely if it took me to my lover's side, as it happened in this song:
Flying dream 143
I stretched out my arms
And my feet left the floor
And how all fifteen (ahem) stone flew to you
I don't know
Friday, October 10, 2014
Let's Get Physical
Last night I received one of the clearest messages to date that the New Englander is not in a position to give me what I want and need right now. I then proceeded to go to sleep and have not one but two dreams in which this song from one of my childhood faves wasn't, but could've been, playing in the background:
I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like
Making good conversation
I gotta handle you just right
You know what I mean
I took you to an intimate restaurant
Then to a suggestive movie
There's nothing left to talk about
Unless it's horizontally
Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk
I've written about this before, but I read the book about love languages. I know mine are physical touch and quality time. Given that one of my primary goals right now is to love myself as much as I possibly can, I think my dreams were trying to tell me that it is time for me to be open to the love that is available in the present -- with all the dimensions I want, need and deserve:
I've been patient, I've been good
Tried to keep my hands on the table
It's gettin' hard this holdin' back
If you know what I mean
Because not doing that is denying myself something for the sake of something or someone that I have no way of knowing whether it or he will ever be able to deliver. So while I can't (and won't) deny that he brings out the animal in me:
I'm sure you'll understand my point of view
We know each other mentally
You gotta know that you're bringin' out
The animal in me
He's not someone who can bring that to Olivia's oh-so-natural conclusion with me:
Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk
Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk
At least not right now. So today, I'm asking for the willingness to be open to receiving the love I want and need in the present, because that's really all we've got:
Let's get animal, animal
I wanna get animal
Let's get into animal
Let me hear your body talk
Let me hear your body talk
I hear you talking, body. I know you want to get animal. Don't worry, I'm listening.
And so is the Universe...
I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like
Making good conversation
I gotta handle you just right
You know what I mean
I took you to an intimate restaurant
Then to a suggestive movie
There's nothing left to talk about
Unless it's horizontally
Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk
I've written about this before, but I read the book about love languages. I know mine are physical touch and quality time. Given that one of my primary goals right now is to love myself as much as I possibly can, I think my dreams were trying to tell me that it is time for me to be open to the love that is available in the present -- with all the dimensions I want, need and deserve:
I've been patient, I've been good
Tried to keep my hands on the table
It's gettin' hard this holdin' back
If you know what I mean
Because not doing that is denying myself something for the sake of something or someone that I have no way of knowing whether it or he will ever be able to deliver. So while I can't (and won't) deny that he brings out the animal in me:
I'm sure you'll understand my point of view
We know each other mentally
You gotta know that you're bringin' out
The animal in me
He's not someone who can bring that to Olivia's oh-so-natural conclusion with me:
Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk
Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk
At least not right now. So today, I'm asking for the willingness to be open to receiving the love I want and need in the present, because that's really all we've got:
Let's get animal, animal
I wanna get animal
Let's get into animal
Let me hear your body talk
Let me hear your body talk
I hear you talking, body. I know you want to get animal. Don't worry, I'm listening.
And so is the Universe...
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Don't You Wanna Stay
 |
| Here I am pre-ride, before my feet were numb! |
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Yes, once again, I'm up earlier than I want to be, but I'm trying to just accept that maybe there's a reason for it. Time to write, perhaps?
Speaking of writing, I've begun my third attempt at writing a Modern Love column about my romance with the New Englander. I think the problem the first couple of times I tried to write it was I didn't know what the message or takeaway is. That could still be a problem, because I'm still a little confused, but this time around, I'm gonna own the confusion instead of pretending I get it.
You see, earlier this year, on MLK Jr. day, I asked him what his dream was, and he said: "You mean besides going to sleep and waking up next to Archie?"
That melted my big old heart, but it begs the question: What happened to that dream?
 |
| Close-up of the bean/bottle cap art |
Did it change? I don't think so. Because I could feel in Portland just how sure our bodies and our hearts are about each other:
I really hate to let this moment go
Touching your skin, and your hair falling slow
When a goodbye kiss, feels like this
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don't you wanna stay?
Let's take it slow, I don't wanna move too fast
I don't wanna just make love, I wanna make love last
When you're up this high, it's a sad goodbye
Yes it is. Take it from me.
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don't you wanna stay?
Oh yeeah
Oh, you feel so perfect, baby
Yeah, you feel so perfect, baby
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
I reckon a big part of him did, but the fear won out over the love.
Having that dream would've meant working through the fear, and he didn't have it in him, at least not at that point in his life.
Thankfully, I'm not going to let that happen in my own life. I'm going to fight for my dreams. I may not get to control who I spend my life with, but I can control whether I choose to be guided by fear or by love.
And I'm gonna choose love every single time...
Sunday, September 7, 2014
I Believe I Can Fly
Unlike the other nine million people who have viewed this video, this isn't one of my favorite songs. But I post it here to mark this day because I keep hearing these words on repeat in my head:
If I can see it, then I can do it
You see, an integral part of my regular yoga practice is padmasana, or lotus pose. Except that only one side of my body -- my left -- seems to want to be in (half) lotus. The other side -- my right -- does not. It's an ongoing source of frustration for me, but I realized recently that I need to change my thinking and my language around it. If I keep saying I can't do it, I'll probably never be able to do it. If I remove that expectation, maybe, just maybe, I will be able to do it.
And I think I will. Before too long. Because last week I had a dream that I was able to easily get into the pose -- my right femur externally rotated beautifully just as my teacher told me it needs to in order to get into the pose -- and there I sat. I woke up feeling hopeful that even dreaming about doing it means that things have begun to shift for me:
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I'm not sure it'll be quite that easy, but I am sure it'll be easier than if I keep believing I can't do it.
As for the rest of the song, it's insipid, I know:
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh
But he's right. It does start inside of me. Which is exactly why I'm working so hard to release what I no longer need and integrate what remains:
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
Hey, cause I believe in me, oh
Yes. I. Do.
And speaking of believing you can do it -- cheers to all the athletes competing in today's Ironman Wisconsin. What a feat!
If I can see it, then I can do it
You see, an integral part of my regular yoga practice is padmasana, or lotus pose. Except that only one side of my body -- my left -- seems to want to be in (half) lotus. The other side -- my right -- does not. It's an ongoing source of frustration for me, but I realized recently that I need to change my thinking and my language around it. If I keep saying I can't do it, I'll probably never be able to do it. If I remove that expectation, maybe, just maybe, I will be able to do it.
And I think I will. Before too long. Because last week I had a dream that I was able to easily get into the pose -- my right femur externally rotated beautifully just as my teacher told me it needs to in order to get into the pose -- and there I sat. I woke up feeling hopeful that even dreaming about doing it means that things have begun to shift for me:
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I'm not sure it'll be quite that easy, but I am sure it'll be easier than if I keep believing I can't do it.
As for the rest of the song, it's insipid, I know:
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh
But he's right. It does start inside of me. Which is exactly why I'm working so hard to release what I no longer need and integrate what remains:
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
Hey, cause I believe in me, oh
Yes. I. Do.
And speaking of believing you can do it -- cheers to all the athletes competing in today's Ironman Wisconsin. What a feat!
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Tie A Yellow Ribbon
My son and I are reading Running With Scissors together, a memoir about growing up with an alcoholic father and crazy mother. It's a book I've been intending to read for years, but like so many others, it has sat on the shelf. Until now. Because while I don't get a lot of books read these days, I do read aloud to both of my kids, and now that my son is 14, I feel like he can handle this one. I wouldn't want him to read it on his own, but I think reading it with me, where we can talk about what we read, is going to be a learning experience for both of us. Not to mention that it's hilarious.
Although Augusten Burroughs is only six years older than me, there are a number of cultural references I don't understand. It bugs my son, but I insist on googling them so I can see what he is talking about -- like when he mentioned loving Tony Orlando and Dawn -- I'd never heard of them.
Still, there's something familiar about this song:
I'm comin' home, I've done my time
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do
If you still want me, if you still want me
Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
It's been three long years, do you still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree
I'll stay on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
Bus driver, please look for me
'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison and my love, she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
And I wrote and told her please
Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
It's been three long years, do you still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree
I'll stay on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
Now the whole damned bus is cheerin'
And I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons round the ole oak tree
I'm comin' home
Tie a ribbon round the ole oak tree
Tie a ribbon round the ole oak tree
Tie a ribbon round the ole oak tree
This is a pretty happy tune, and the video is super fun to check out what with the outfits and the hairstyles, but I won't be tying any ribbons around any trees any time soon. Nor am I likely to see any.
What I will be doing, however, is focusing more on myself. My dreams. Not my dreams about love and marriage -- anyone who regularly reads this blog has got to be as tired of me focusing on those as I am.
Nope, for the next few months I'm going to focus on my other dreams -- being a writer -- finding a way to help people in my work -- and trust that by more fully becoming myself, I'll be that much more ready to partner with someone else when the time comes...
Although Augusten Burroughs is only six years older than me, there are a number of cultural references I don't understand. It bugs my son, but I insist on googling them so I can see what he is talking about -- like when he mentioned loving Tony Orlando and Dawn -- I'd never heard of them.
Still, there's something familiar about this song:
I'm comin' home, I've done my time
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do
If you still want me, if you still want me
Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
It's been three long years, do you still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree
I'll stay on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
Bus driver, please look for me
'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison and my love, she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
And I wrote and told her please
Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
It's been three long years, do you still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree
I'll stay on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
Now the whole damned bus is cheerin'
And I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons round the ole oak tree
I'm comin' home
Tie a ribbon round the ole oak tree
Tie a ribbon round the ole oak tree
Tie a ribbon round the ole oak tree
This is a pretty happy tune, and the video is super fun to check out what with the outfits and the hairstyles, but I won't be tying any ribbons around any trees any time soon. Nor am I likely to see any.
What I will be doing, however, is focusing more on myself. My dreams. Not my dreams about love and marriage -- anyone who regularly reads this blog has got to be as tired of me focusing on those as I am.
Nope, for the next few months I'm going to focus on my other dreams -- being a writer -- finding a way to help people in my work -- and trust that by more fully becoming myself, I'll be that much more ready to partner with someone else when the time comes...
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Dreams
On my weekends without my kids, I've got my yoga, and now I've got a new consulting gig to keep me busy. And not just any consulting gig -- one that actually gives me a shot at one of the dreams I hold most dear: improving inner-city schools for poor kids. That's a big deal, and I'm happy about the opportunity, and my friends were happy for me when I told them.
But this being alone thing, it's wearing on me. And just when I think I'm really getting over my last love, I'm struck with a new wave of grief about what we had and what we lost, just like this song from Fleetwood Mac so eloquently articulates:
Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat.. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... Women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know
Here's how I know I'm not washed clean: lately when I get into bed, I'm reminded of how sacred the time we spent in bed together was. I've never felt so close to another human being. So safe. So loved.
I've been working hard at dealing with the lingering wounds that initially kept me from loving from my heart, and then, once I did, kept me from the truth of what I could expect from love. I know I made a lot of headway with those wounds while we were together. But knowing that just reminds me of what I had and what I lost:
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat... drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
I'm not saying I won't find it again, and this time with someone who is looking to fall in love all the way. And if he isn't, I'm going to be much better at recognizing that the next time around, getting out before, you know, I start sending out Christmas cards with pictures of the four of us as a family.
I know that I need to be gentle with myself. And I know that I need to be patient. It's just that sometimes, neither of those are easy to do...
But this being alone thing, it's wearing on me. And just when I think I'm really getting over my last love, I'm struck with a new wave of grief about what we had and what we lost, just like this song from Fleetwood Mac so eloquently articulates:
Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat.. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... Women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know
Here's how I know I'm not washed clean: lately when I get into bed, I'm reminded of how sacred the time we spent in bed together was. I've never felt so close to another human being. So safe. So loved.
I've been working hard at dealing with the lingering wounds that initially kept me from loving from my heart, and then, once I did, kept me from the truth of what I could expect from love. I know I made a lot of headway with those wounds while we were together. But knowing that just reminds me of what I had and what I lost:
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat... drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
I'm not saying I won't find it again, and this time with someone who is looking to fall in love all the way. And if he isn't, I'm going to be much better at recognizing that the next time around, getting out before, you know, I start sending out Christmas cards with pictures of the four of us as a family.
I know that I need to be gentle with myself. And I know that I need to be patient. It's just that sometimes, neither of those are easy to do...
Monday, November 4, 2013
Throwing It All Away
Again with the dreams! This time I dreamt that I was meeting with someone, I don't remember who or if I even knew them, but I was telling the person about the good qualities of my last love. "He's got some work to do," I admitted, "but he's an amazing person."
When I woke up, I revisited a conversation that happened this weekend when my kids and I went to our neighbors for dinner. She was asking me about the big departure in my life this summer, and, with my son sitting between us, asked me if I still missed my exboyfriend. I didn't know what to say. I hate being in this position - needing to be ok with something I'm not ok with -- and I guess I'm not sure where that need comes from -- because she wasn't really asking me to be ok with anything, just how I felt. But I didn't want to admit my feelings. I don't like them. They're uncomfortable and complicated.
I called up my friend tonight to tell her about the dream, and she said she thought I was trying to make sure that although I was letting him go, he wasn't being discarded, that he had good qualities too. She also said that she's been taught that one way to interpret dreams is that everyone is you, so maybe it also meant that although he let me go, I needed to be reminded that I have good qualities, and I don't deserve to be discarded, either.
This interpretation brought on the tears that started to show themselves during my yoga practice this evening, and that are keeping me company as I write this post, along with Phil Collins and company in this moldy oldie selection from my internal ipod:
Need I say I love you
Need I say I care
Need I say that emotion's
Something we don't share
I don't want to be sitting here
Trying to deceive you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.
We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
That's the situation
I've known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
I can see the future
Cos you know I know babe
That I don't wanna go.
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind
I watch the world go round and round
And see mine turning upside down
You're throwing it all away.
Now who will light up the darkness
Who will hold your hand
Who will find you the answers
When you don't understand
Why should I have to be the one
Who has to convince you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.
Someday you'll be sorry
Someday when you're free
Memories will remind you
That our love was meant to be
Late at night when you call my name
The only sound you'll hear
Is the sound of your voice calling
Calling after me.
Just throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
There's nothing I can say
We're throwing it all away
Yes we're throwing it all away...
When I woke up, I revisited a conversation that happened this weekend when my kids and I went to our neighbors for dinner. She was asking me about the big departure in my life this summer, and, with my son sitting between us, asked me if I still missed my exboyfriend. I didn't know what to say. I hate being in this position - needing to be ok with something I'm not ok with -- and I guess I'm not sure where that need comes from -- because she wasn't really asking me to be ok with anything, just how I felt. But I didn't want to admit my feelings. I don't like them. They're uncomfortable and complicated.
I called up my friend tonight to tell her about the dream, and she said she thought I was trying to make sure that although I was letting him go, he wasn't being discarded, that he had good qualities too. She also said that she's been taught that one way to interpret dreams is that everyone is you, so maybe it also meant that although he let me go, I needed to be reminded that I have good qualities, and I don't deserve to be discarded, either.
This interpretation brought on the tears that started to show themselves during my yoga practice this evening, and that are keeping me company as I write this post, along with Phil Collins and company in this moldy oldie selection from my internal ipod:
Need I say I love you
Need I say I care
Need I say that emotion's
Something we don't share
I don't want to be sitting here
Trying to deceive you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.
We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
That's the situation
I've known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
I can see the future
Cos you know I know babe
That I don't wanna go.
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind
I watch the world go round and round
And see mine turning upside down
You're throwing it all away.
Now who will light up the darkness
Who will hold your hand
Who will find you the answers
When you don't understand
Why should I have to be the one
Who has to convince you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.
Someday you'll be sorry
Someday when you're free
Memories will remind you
That our love was meant to be
Late at night when you call my name
The only sound you'll hear
Is the sound of your voice calling
Calling after me.
Just throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
There's nothing I can say
We're throwing it all away
Yes we're throwing it all away...
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Dream about Flying
I didn't wake up with a song in my head this morning; instead, I awoke to the memory of a very distinct dream. I dreamt about owls, and one owl in particular, whose wings were like a cape, and who appeared to be the teacher. I wasn't sure what to make of it, so I googled dreams about owls, and this is what I found:
"When you dream about an owl, your spirit animal may be contacting you to warn you about a danger or threat hat you need to pay attention to. It can bring a wise insight about important matters that you should not ignore.
When an owl appears in a dream, it could also mean that the intuitive part of you is calling for attention: Pay attention and listen to the subtle signs in your life, to what is important, but not necessarily obviously so.
The owl could also be a animal spirit guide offering you insight about a moment of transition. Since this totem animal is often associated with death, when an owl shows up in a dream, it could mean that you are receiving guidance regarding personal transformation, change.
In many dream interpretations, the owl can represent a deceased friend or family member who comes back in the dream in the shape of a spirit animal."
And it made sense on a couple of levels. One, I definitely feel like I'm undergoing a personal transformation. This letting go, really letting go, is something different than what I've done before. I've both never loved like that and I've never let go like that either. It feels totally new and not altogether comfortable.
And two, when I turned on my computer this morning, there was an email from an old college friend about our mutual friend who died four years ago. He really opened up about his feelings about her death, and I, when I wrote back, about mine. It was pretty cathartic, and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if, on one level, our departed friend was the owl. She was super smart, and super wise, and her nickname in college from one of our guy group of friends was "the hawk."
Today's song selection sings of the pain we sometimes feel upon waking, whether from a good dream or a disturbing dream, when we're confronted with the reality:
Pale light this morning
Woke me
Slow pain I feel
Will not let me be
So much work to do
I don't know if I can
Trying so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm just one man
Five years old I climbed up on the wall
My mother warned me but I took no heed
Like all creatures great and small
I took a fall and found out I could bleed
These days I'm afraid of everything
Suppose cause everything will die
Thought it was to love what they will lose
So much easier to lie
Sometimes I fell like I'm drowning
Actually it's more like most of the time
But every now and then when I'm sleeping
I still have a dream that I'm flying
And I wake up crying
Pretty depressing song, I know. But such is life, sometimes: more comfortable in sleep than awake, more comfortable in the unconscious than the conscious...
"When you dream about an owl, your spirit animal may be contacting you to warn you about a danger or threat hat you need to pay attention to. It can bring a wise insight about important matters that you should not ignore.
When an owl appears in a dream, it could also mean that the intuitive part of you is calling for attention: Pay attention and listen to the subtle signs in your life, to what is important, but not necessarily obviously so.
The owl could also be a animal spirit guide offering you insight about a moment of transition. Since this totem animal is often associated with death, when an owl shows up in a dream, it could mean that you are receiving guidance regarding personal transformation, change.
In many dream interpretations, the owl can represent a deceased friend or family member who comes back in the dream in the shape of a spirit animal."
And it made sense on a couple of levels. One, I definitely feel like I'm undergoing a personal transformation. This letting go, really letting go, is something different than what I've done before. I've both never loved like that and I've never let go like that either. It feels totally new and not altogether comfortable.
And two, when I turned on my computer this morning, there was an email from an old college friend about our mutual friend who died four years ago. He really opened up about his feelings about her death, and I, when I wrote back, about mine. It was pretty cathartic, and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if, on one level, our departed friend was the owl. She was super smart, and super wise, and her nickname in college from one of our guy group of friends was "the hawk."
Today's song selection sings of the pain we sometimes feel upon waking, whether from a good dream or a disturbing dream, when we're confronted with the reality:
Pale light this morning
Woke me
Slow pain I feel
Will not let me be
So much work to do
I don't know if I can
Trying so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm just one man
Five years old I climbed up on the wall
My mother warned me but I took no heed
Like all creatures great and small
I took a fall and found out I could bleed
These days I'm afraid of everything
Suppose cause everything will die
Thought it was to love what they will lose
So much easier to lie
Sometimes I fell like I'm drowning
Actually it's more like most of the time
But every now and then when I'm sleeping
I still have a dream that I'm flying
And I wake up crying
Pretty depressing song, I know. But such is life, sometimes: more comfortable in sleep than awake, more comfortable in the unconscious than the conscious...
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