When You Were Young

Mmmmmmmmmmontana  

When we were young, my man and I, we did not get the love we needed or wanted. We both entered adulthood with what I would call gaping wounds from the developmental trauma we endured. We have varying degrees of awareness about that trauma, and we've sought help with recovering from it to varying degrees as well.

All this adds up to, for us as a couple, a potentially volatile situation where one of our triggers winds up triggering the other one and before we know it there's a full scale battle on our hands and we are on opposite sides.

It's exhausting, and it's happened countless times over the past two years and change since we've been living together. It happened again yesterday, on the road, on the way to pick up my son in Seattle.

When it was over, when we both stopped yelling, switched drivers, and entered a kind of stunned silence, I felt something shift inside me.

"No more" I thought. "I can't do this anymore." Over the next 18 hours or so, this feeling crystallized for me. I wanted to be able to treat my man with love and respect at all times, and I wanted the same from him. I knew we'd proven, with this latest blowout, that this isn't possible for us - even after both individual and couple's therapy. Even with the crazy amount that we dig each other. It just doesn't work.

And so we began the process of deciding how to go about uncoupling. Neither of us had done it this way before - still in love - and we didn't really know how.

Lucky for us, we had another 9 days in the car and a soundtrack that included this choice song to help us figure it out:

You sit there in your heartache
Waitin' on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness, watch it now, here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he, talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain? I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy, easy now, watch it go

We're burnin' down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane, that started turnin'
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young

I know that when we are apart, in September, we will sometimes close our eyes and see the place we used to live together. We aren't particularly young - definitely middle-aged by normal standards, but I sometimes think we are figuratively younger because of how we entered adulthood...

Shot at the Night

The song marking this day is a twofer of sorts. Don't worry, it's not another Fuel song, but it comes to you courtesy of the same coworker.

She sent me this video, and told me I had to watch it:

Once in a lifetime, the suffering of fools
To find our way home, to break in these bones
Once in a lifetime (Once in a lifetime)
Once in a lifetime

Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious

The Killers are awesome, and I was enjoying the video, when I got a text from my coworker asking me if I was watching it and commenting on what a powerful human emotion yearning is:

Once in a lifetime, we're breaking all the rules
To find that our home, has long been out grown
Draw me a life line, 'cause honey I got nothing to lose
Once in a lifetime (Once in a lifetime)
Once in a lifetime

Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night

Look at my reflection in the mirror
Underneath the power of the light
Give me a shot at the night
Give me a shot at the night
Give me a shot at the night
I feel like I'm losing the fight

Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night

Yep. And yearning is something I know more than a little something about. I yearned so hard for so long, and at the same time, tried not to, because I knew that wouldn't bring the New Englander back.

And it didn't. It was setting him free that did it. Goddamn cliche, right? But it's true.

And in a few short days, we are going to have a shot at six nights together, and a whole lot of moments, and I couldn't be happier about that:

Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night

Everything Will Be Alright

Ok so this song is kinda creepy, but its title and refrain are my mantra today:

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

And here's why: I didn't get the job. It's disappointing for a number of reasons -- I was excited about the possibilities, I was excited about returning to campus -- but I also have to believe that it wasn't the right job for me, otherwise I would have gotten it.

It still feels like there are many possibilities, when it comes to both career and lovelife, I just don't know what they are or what they look like. But you know what that means, days fans: I'm pregnant with possibility. Yup.

And although most of the lyrics to this song are too weird to speak to this, these two lines are an exception:

And baby doll, I meant it every time
You don't need to compromise

Thanks guys, I agree. I sure don't.

'Cause as you said:

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Will be alright...

All These Things That I've Done

Oof. So I didn't bump into any walls last night, but I did have a pretty disturbing dream.

I dreamt that I went to practice and there was a teacher there (which, in real life, is super rare) unexpectedly (and I always know when it is going to happen). The teacher informed me that it was my last day practicing the primary series (which is what I practice now). I asked if I was moving on to second series, and she said no, basically leaving me series-less.

I didn't know quite what to make of this dream, but it felt significant. When I got to practice, I felt more like meditating than practicing. So I lit a candle, lit some sage, and sat down a cushion. I had trouble settling -- maybe because of the creepy news I'd listened to on my way to the studio (a woman made her baby's formula with vodka instead of water) -- so I decided to do some pranayama (breathing exercises) and that helped calm me down.

During meditation, part of what came up was the same thing that came up during my massage on Tuesday: The need to let go of the desire for significant people in my life to see and acknowledge all of me. It's never gonna happen, in a couple of significant cases, so I need to just let it go.

And that got me thinking about songs that are about letting go, and this one's among my favorites:

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I want to stand up, I want to let go
You know, you know, no you don't, you don't
I want to shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

This whole song is great, but I freaking love the next lyrics:

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and again, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
(Time, truth, hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

Oh I can hold on alright. That's not the problem. I'll keep working on this need for external validation thing. But it does help explain why I had such a hard time letting go of the New Englander: He was the first man to really see all of me and love me. And also, coincidentally, the first to introduce me to The Killers.

Also in the letting go department today, I learned that I did not get into the study I applied for (they are full) and I didn't get a job teaching yoga at the studio where I was hoping to teach.

More opportunities to let go...

Neon Tiger

The eye of my very own neon tiger (pants)

When I awoke this morning I had one of those moments when I got very clear about something that I'd been sort of clear about for a long time but had never gotten to the stage where I knew when the next step was coming or what it was.

I'm not ready to say exactly what it is yet, but suffice it to say I feel wayyyyyyyyy more free than I did just yesterday and that feels good.

Speaking of feeling good, I finally made it to a TRX class today. I haven't been in a number of weeks because of being sick and having work meetings that conflicted, but I still felt really strong. The instructor called me out when he was talking about the importance of breathing saying: "Just ask Sarah if you don't believe me. She teaches yoga. The one with the pants." And we all got a good mid-workout laugh in.

At the end of workout, the instructor had us do a partner stretch. I chose a woman next to me who was of similar height, but the partner stretch still didn't really work that well. I wondered aloud why that was and she said: "It's because you're crazy strong!"

I'm telling you, it's all the yoga. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe other fitness classes, running, and biking all help me stay in shape, but I love that I can be pretty dang strong, especially in my upper body, just from doing an hour of yoga six times per week.

Even so, the neon tiger in me sure was grateful for the release during my work day today:

Run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind
They promised just to pet you, but don't you let them get you
Away, away, oh, run
Under heat of the southwest sun

Took to the spotlight like a diamond ring
Came from the woodwork and the hopes they might
Redeem themselves from poor decisions to win big

Run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind
They'll strategize and maim you, but don't you let them tame you
You're far too pure and bold
To suffer the strain of the hand and its hold.

I don't wanna be kept, I don't wanna be caged, I don't wanna be damned, oh hell
I don't wanna be broke, I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be S.O.L.
Give me rolling hills and tonight can be the night that I stand among the thousand thrills
Mister cut me some slack, 'cause I don't wanna go back, I want a new day and age

Yes I do. And it's coming. Soon. I can feel it...

Flesh and Bone

This morning the Universe sent me a message, bright and early, when I went to get on my road bike and the back tire was completely flat: You don't need a new man to ride your mountain bike - get on it right now! And so I did, and although all my riding today was in town, and it is admittedly slower than my road bike, I was loving both the shocks and the freedom that big tires offer.

Anyway, the reason I was up early and out the door on my bike this morning was that one of my teammates from the half marathon I did in June ran another half today, the Madison Mini marathon, and was really hoping to PR. A couple of weeks ago, I did the whole practice course with him, but I didn't register for the race today because mine's coming up in a couple of weeks. I was also worried about how my leg would fare today, so I met him at mile 4 and kept him on pace for about 5 of his 13 miles before my knee got mad and I had to stop. I listened today -- I'm not gonna guarantee I will listen in a couple of weeks if it pulls the same shit during my next actual race.

Anyway, it was pretty fun popping in all fresh at mile 4 with the job of keeping someone else psyched and making sure his race went the way he was hoping it would rather than running myself ragged to beat the clock as (I tried to do) in my last half marathon experience. I know my "coaching" helped him some, but I also know at a certain point I had to back off -- he did not wish to relentlessly pursue the mile pacer (even the mile pacer he'd chosen) the way I had in my race.

I met some other people on the run too, including a super-sweaty guy who appreciated when I reminded my friend it may feel like a profoundly physical challenge but it's really mostly mental.

It's true, just ask The Killers:

Somewhere outside that finish line
I square up and break through the chains
And I hit like a raging bull
Anointed by the blood, I take the reins
Cut from the cloth, of a flag that
Bears the name of "Battle Born"
They'll call me the contender
They'll listen for the bell
With my face flashing crimson from the fires of hell

(What are you afraid of?)
And what are you made of?
(Flesh and bone)
And I'm running out of time,
(Flesh and bone)
And what are you made of?
(Flesh and bone)
Man, I'm turning on a dime,
(Flesh and bone)

Super cool song, and quite inspiring:

He faces forward,
Trading in his blindness for the glow of love,
And time is raging, may it rage in vain,
And you always had it, but you never knew,
So boots and saddles, get on your feet,
There's no surrender, 'cause there's no retreat,
The bells are sobbing, in this monster land,
We are the descendants of giant men.

Sure hope my flesh and bone heal over the next couple of weeks so I can do those giant (wo)men proud...