Phoenix

This morning my friend/colleague and I presented self-regulation, mindful movement and meditation to 75 staff members at our daughters' middle school. What an honor to be asked, and what an excellent morning it was.

As I sat listening to my friend talk about self-regulation, trauma, the stress response, and our ability to keep learning new ways of coping, I couldn't help but think of my own path. It is even clearer to me in the wake of that trip to Michigan how profoundly I both was and am affected by my upbringing. But it's also clear to me how far I've come, largely through mind-body practices.

The principal made the comment that she hoped the teachers weren't just picturing poor minority students when hearing about trauma and the stress response, since many poor people live full lives and many middle and upper class people live with trauma.

Since I followed that statement, it felt important for me to share that I'm a perfect example of that: My father was a professor, my mother a nurse -- I don't think many people (if anyone) knew what was going on behind our closed door.

But I knew, and as a result, I didn't take a full, deep breath until I was in my 30s. Literally.

After our session, one of the teachers came up and told me that she had the same story. Wow. Here's hoping we can teach today's kids how to breathe, to be in their bodies, to learn to self-regulate, and to find their voices even under very difficult circumstances.

After teaching at the middle school and then at the jail, I went to the gym for a core class, and one of the songs was about a phoenix rising from the ashes. I'm not altogether sure this is the song I heard today, but the subject matter is right on:

Why you hanging in the background?
Like a painting that's been turned round
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Why you humming with your mouth shut?
It's like Aretha singing backup
Come on, come on, come on, come on
You know the words, go write your song

Make it loud
It's your time now
Can you feel it now?

You got the heart of a phoenix
So let them see you rise
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey
Let them know that you mean it
Let them see you rise
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey

You feel it burn when you're knocked down
But let the fire be you crown
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Come on, come on, come on, come on
So go and claim your kingdom
Then slay all your demons
Come on, come on, come on, come on
I know you know where you belong

Don't look now
But you're off the ground
Can you feel it now?

You got the heart of a phoenix
So let them see you rise
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey
Let them know that you mean it
Let them see you rise
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey

Let's see you show how high you can go
Flying right past the ones who said no
Let's give them all one hell of a show
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey

You got the heart of a phoenix
So let them see you rise
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey

You got the heart, you got the heart
You got the heart of a, heart of a, hey
You got the heart, you got the heart
You got the heart of a, heart of a

You got the heart of a phoenix
So let them see you rise
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey
You got the heart of a phoenix
So let them see you rise
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey
Let them know that you mean it
Let them see you rise,
Hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey

They see me rise alright. And I'm so grateful...

Wild One

It has been a long time since I've marked a day with a cheesy song heard at the gym, and there's a reason for that: I haven't been to any fitness classes at the gym in months. I do my practice, I ride my bike, and that's about it.

Today I decided it was time to get back to class. There's a pose I'm working on in my practice that is more about strength than flexibility, and that's what I've lost by not going to classes.

I'm not gonna lie, I feel much more like a wild one, and much more like myself, in the woods on my mountain bike. But my arms aren't going to get buff doing that, so I'm going to resign myself to make it more often to the classes where songs like this are used to motivate:

Hey I heard you were a wild one
Oooh
If I took you home
It'd be a home run
Show me how you do

I wanna shut down in the club
With you
Hey I heard you like the wild ones (wild ones wild ones)
Oooh

I like crazy, foolish, stupid
Party going wild, fist pumping music,
I might lose it
Glass to the roof, that how we do'z it (do'z it do'z it)
I don't care the night, she don't care we like
Almost dared the right vibe
Ready to get live, ain't no surprise
Take me so high, jumping nose dive
Surfing the crowd
Oooh
Said I gotta be the man
I'm the head of my band, mic check one two
Shut them down in the club while the playboy does it, and y'all get loose loose
After bottle, we all get bent and again tomorrow
Gotta break rules cause that's the motto
Club shuts down, a hundred super models

Hey I heard you were a wild one
Oooh
If I took you home
It'd be a home run
Show me how you do

I wanna shut down in the club
With you
Hey I heard you like the wild ones (wild ones wild ones)
Oooh

Party rocker, foot-show stopper
More Chambord
Number one, club popper
Got a hangover like too much vodka
Can't see me with ten binoculars
So cool
No doubt by the end of the night
Got the clothes coming off
Then I make that move
Somehow, someway, gotta raise the roof, roof
All black shades when the sun come through
Uh-Oh, it's on like everything goes
Round up baby tilt the freaky show

What happens to that body, it's a private show
Stays right here, private show
I like 'em untamed, don't tell me how pain
Tolerance, bottoms up with the champagne
My life, call my homie then we hit Spain
Do you busy with the bail, we get insane

I am a wild one
Break me in
Saddle me up and let's begin
I am a wild one
Tame me now
Running with wolves
And I'm on the prowl...

Neon Tiger

The eye of my very own neon tiger (pants)

When I awoke this morning I had one of those moments when I got very clear about something that I'd been sort of clear about for a long time but had never gotten to the stage where I knew when the next step was coming or what it was.

I'm not ready to say exactly what it is yet, but suffice it to say I feel wayyyyyyyyy more free than I did just yesterday and that feels good.

Speaking of feeling good, I finally made it to a TRX class today. I haven't been in a number of weeks because of being sick and having work meetings that conflicted, but I still felt really strong. The instructor called me out when he was talking about the importance of breathing saying: "Just ask Sarah if you don't believe me. She teaches yoga. The one with the pants." And we all got a good mid-workout laugh in.

At the end of workout, the instructor had us do a partner stretch. I chose a woman next to me who was of similar height, but the partner stretch still didn't really work that well. I wondered aloud why that was and she said: "It's because you're crazy strong!"

I'm telling you, it's all the yoga. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe other fitness classes, running, and biking all help me stay in shape, but I love that I can be pretty dang strong, especially in my upper body, just from doing an hour of yoga six times per week.

Even so, the neon tiger in me sure was grateful for the release during my work day today:

Run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind
They promised just to pet you, but don't you let them get you
Away, away, oh, run
Under heat of the southwest sun

Took to the spotlight like a diamond ring
Came from the woodwork and the hopes they might
Redeem themselves from poor decisions to win big

Run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind
They'll strategize and maim you, but don't you let them tame you
You're far too pure and bold
To suffer the strain of the hand and its hold.

I don't wanna be kept, I don't wanna be caged, I don't wanna be damned, oh hell
I don't wanna be broke, I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be S.O.L.
Give me rolling hills and tonight can be the night that I stand among the thousand thrills
Mister cut me some slack, 'cause I don't wanna go back, I want a new day and age

Yes I do. And it's coming. Soon. I can feel it...

Stronger

Today at the gym I went to a functional TRX class, where the trainer assigns all kinds of functional exercises that students do in circuits -- some exercises use the TRX -- some don't.

As I was doing push ups inside of two rungs of a ladder lying on the floor and then moving sideways to the next two, the trainer came over and said "Those are some solid push-ups, Sarah, nice work!" I positively beamed. I'd noticed myself that since I've been practicing Ashtanga as it was meant to be practiced -- 6 days per week -- for nearly two months now -- I can actually execute a real, live push-up -- no knees down -- no going down halfway -- no bowing of the back -- and then another, and then another.

I've never liked push-ups, so I never would've gotten to this point relying on doing push-ups to get me there, but I love my yoga practice. And it's where we find joy that strength follows with the least amount of resistance.

Just ask Kanye:

So we gon' do everything that Kan like
Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well, I'd do anything for a blonde-dike
And she'll do anything for the limelight
And we'll do anything when the time's right
Ugh, baby, you're makin' it (harder, better, faster, stronger)

Na-na-na that that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
'Cause I can't wait much longer
I know I got to be right now
'Cause I can't get much wronger
Man I've been waitin' all night now
That's how long I've been on you

I need you right now
I need you right now

Yes, thanks to my yoga practice, I'm getting stronger every day. And the stronger I get, the less I need anyone else to complete my experience with every day life. That doesn't mean I won't welcome a partner when the time comes, but it does mean that focusing on getting stronger myself -- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually -- is all I need right now...

Hero

I could feel all day that there was something uncomfortable brewing under the surface today, but it took hearing this cheesy song to finally get the tears flowing:

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

I don't know, Mariah. I've been reaching into my soul for months, and the sorrow may be lessening, but I'm afraid I can't say it has melted away:

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

I felt this today. Strength. Through all the discomfort, there was an undercurrent of strength. Of I-can-do-this-ness. On my bike this morning in the bitter wind, in my frustrating work meeting, in my TRX class, in yoga this evening. I could feel myself in there, fighting, for me:

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

But I guess I gotta keep searching within myself, because I still feel emptiness. I still feel the "how could he have left me?" and "why did I invest so much in something so precarious?" But then how was I to know that love could be precarious? I'm here to say that it can be when you're with someone who only partly surrenders to it, and take it from me, if there's a part of you that knows that's what's happening in your relationship, do yourself a favor and get out now:

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

I know that in time I'll find the way, but in the meantime, I'm heading into the holidays more alone than I've been, with the exception of my kids, in my adult life...