Mr. Know It All

On my way home from practice this morning, this song was playing in the car:

Mr. Know It All
Well ya think you know it all
But ya don't know a thing at all
Ain't it, ain't it something y'all
When somebody tells you something 'bout you
Think that they know you more than you do
So you take it down another pill to swallow

Mr. Bring Me Down
Well ya, ya like to bring me down, don't you?
But I ain't laying down, baby, I ain't goin' down
Can't nobody tell me how it's gonna be
Nobody's gonna make a fool out of me
Baby, you should know that I lead not follow

Oh you think that you know me, know me
That's why I'm leaving you lonely, lonely
'Cause baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me
You ain't got the right to tell me
When and where to go, no right to tell me
Acting like you own me lately
Yeah baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me

And during the chorus, I started to cry. That's right, to this goofy Kelly Clarkson song, specifically that last line. Because there's nothing more tragic, in a breakup, then no longer getting to know the person you loved so dearly and no longer having them know you.

Except, perhaps, the feeling of wasted potential. That's a hard one too...

Invincible

I heard this song today and it reminded me of how I used to live with an undercurrent of fear. Unlike Kelly Clarkson, I'm not invincible now, but I am free from that constant feeling that I need to remain vigilant, that there's something I need to be doing to help ensure that something terrible doesn't happen:

You know I was broke down, I had hit the ground
I was crying out, I couldn't make no sound
No one hears the silent tears collecting
You know I had lost hope, I was all alone
Never been so long till you came along
Teacher, I feel the dots connecting

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause baby, I am ready to be free

Now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
Another perfect storm

Now I am a warrior, a shooting star
Know I got this far, had a broken heart
No one hears the silent tears collecting
Cause it's being weak, but strong in the truth I found
I have courage now, gonna shout it out
Teacher, I feel the dots connecting

Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed
So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall
Cause baby, I am ready to be free

Now I am invincible
No, I ain't a scared little girl no more
Yeah, I am invincible
What was I running for
I was hiding from the world
I was so afraid, I felt so unsure
Now I am invincible
Another perfect storm

I was running from an empty threat
Of emptiness
I was running from an empty threat
That didn't exist
I was running from an empty threat
Of abandonment
I was running from an empty threat
That didn't exist

The threat I was running from was real, except that ended a very long time ago, so in many ways it was as if it didn't exist. And running in fear is no way to live your life...

Don't You Wanna Stay

Here I am pre-ride, before my feet were numb!

I heard this song yesterday in the car on my way home from Fermenation Fest, and it came back to me this morning in the wee hours:

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?

Yes, once again, I'm up earlier than I want to be, but I'm trying to just accept that maybe there's a reason for it. Time to write, perhaps?

Speaking of writing, I've begun my third attempt at writing a Modern Love column about my romance with the New Englander. I think the problem the first couple of times I tried to write it was I didn't know what the message or takeaway is. That could still be a problem, because I'm still a little confused, but this time around, I'm gonna own the confusion instead of pretending I get it.

You see, earlier this year, on MLK Jr. day, I asked him what his dream was, and he said: "You mean besides going to sleep and waking up next to Archie?"

That melted my big old heart, but it begs the question: What happened to that dream?

Close-up of the bean/bottle cap art

Did it change? I don't think so. Because I could feel in Portland just how sure our bodies and our hearts are about each other:

I really hate to let this moment go
Touching your skin, and your hair falling slow
When a goodbye kiss, feels like this

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don't you wanna stay?

Let's take it slow, I don't wanna move too fast
I don't wanna just make love, I wanna make love last
When you're up this high, it's a sad goodbye

Yes it is. Take it from me.

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don't you wanna stay?

Oh yeeah

Oh, you feel so perfect, baby
Yeah, you feel so perfect, baby

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?

I reckon a big part of him did, but the fear won out over the love.

Having that dream would've meant working through the fear, and he didn't have it in him, at least not at that point in his life.

Thankfully, I'm not going to let that happen in my own life. I'm going to fight for my dreams. I may not get to control who I spend my life with, but I can control whether I choose to be guided by fear or by love.

And I'm gonna choose love every single time...

Breakaway

I've been feeling really uncomfortable lately -- that special kind of uncomfortable that comes from identifying that you no longer want to be where you are combined with the discomfort you feel when you start to push yourself to leave your (not so comfortable but familiar) comfort zone:

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

That's right. Leave it to Kelly Clarkson to get stuck on repeat in my mind, singing her cheesy version of my truth today:

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

I'm trying, I really am...

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

After my 90 days of yoga experiment, I made a commitment to myself to stay with my practice as much as possible. Specifically, one of my weekly fitness goals is four hours of practicing yoga, and this means that sometimes I have to practice even when I don't feel like it. I know this is the point of discipline, and I know that it has a purpose, but I also know it can be extremely uncomfortable.

The other day during a particularly hard practice, our pet rabbit pooped on my mat. Yep, I told her, that's exactly how I'm feeling about being here today. My body felt really stiff, so stiff it was hard to do the poses. Eventually, as often happens, I had an opening, in the form of tears, and I experience a much-needed release.

Not so today. I didn't want to practice, I fought it every step of the way, but I did it. For 60 minutes. But I never reached the point of any release, which felt particularly difficult.

Speaking of things that feel difficult, I've recently reconnected with the man I spent three years loving and the last six months trying to get over, which has caused me to reflect on that six months. I remember feeling like I might die if I didn't get to be with him, that I might die if he were to be with someone else. (I'm not being dramatic, I'm trying to explain the strength and depth of my feelings about this.)

But I didn't die. Instead, I emerged with the understanding that there are things I settled for in my last relationship that I'm not going to settle for again, whether with him or with someone else. And I reached a point where I knew I was going to be ok, with him or without him, even if he ends up with someone else.

Kelly Clarkson's wildly overplayed song seems to be the one to mark this day, though it's not a perfect fit by any means. Because while I remember times I sang these words over the last six months with the same bitterness in my voice that she has in hers:

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

And while I do recognize that there are some perks to being single, I'm not going to go all the way to saying the bed feels warmer sleeping alone. It most definitely does not.

But I do think she has a point with her chorus -- it certainly is true of the growth that came for me from a devastating breakup:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

I'm mostly ok with being alone. I'm only lonely once in a while. But as I contemplate the year about to begin, I'm not feeling like I'll be spending so much time alone...

Dark Side

This song has been playing internally on and off over the last few weeks. This is partly because it's one that gets stuck in my head after I hear it, and partly because the questions posed in this song are some I've been grappling with lately in my romantic relationship:

Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Those are my favorite lyrics, those last two lines, because to me that's the greatest gift love has to offer: a reminder of our own loveliness. I've talked about this is previous posts, and I've mainly been talking about me needing to be reminded of who I really am.

But I'm feeling pretty solid in that now. The old me, when going through a rocky phase of a romantic relationship, would be tempted, and often would, break up with my boyfriend. But I'm not feeling that this time around.

Because like Kelly Clarkson, I know that:

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

I'm not giving up, and I'm not running away, either:

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Because as frustrating as this space we're in can be sometimes, I have to believe in the power of love to help make us into the people we want to be, the people we are deep inside. How could I believe otherwise? It's through the power of love that I know who I really am, and now I get to focus on bringing it to the rest of the world, for which I am extremely grateful...

My Life Would Suck Without You

It's Friday, and today I got to do my favorite Friday fitness routine. It starts with a bike ride to the Capitol Square, which is about 3 miles, and since I'm usually running late, I have to ride quite fast. Next comes Functional Fitness with Liz, who is just that rare kind of person that you want to have pushing you to get fit. She's awesome. This song came on during a particularly fatiguing portion of the class, and it really got me going again, so if it isn't in your workout playlist, I highly recommend you add this tune.

Right after Functional Fitness is Yoga with Stephanie, who is just the kind of person you want guiding you inward. Having the two classes back-to-back is the perfect combo of high-energy and tuning into the voice within.

And although I was happy to have Kelly belting out her song during the high energy portion of the workout, I'm not tempted to write any of the lyrics or analyze them here. Some songs move you one way, and some move you in a different way. It's all good.