Return to Innocence

I had a not very fun experience today that I recognize as an opportunity to grow, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable.

I was just talking with my therapist about my tendency at times to try to morph into what I think other people want me to be. This doesn't lead to good places. It's the opposite of me standing in my power and seeing what comes, which is what I've been trying, as much as I can, to do. And succeeding, much of the time.

The problem is, as this experience shows me, I don't necessarily get any warning before I slide right out of my power and into justifying and morphing mode. There are signs that it is happening, but as it was happening yesterday, I didn't know how to come out of it.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but often what accompanies this sort of experience is agitation and anxiety, making it difficult to remain calm, fall asleep, stay asleep, etc.

In the midst of my churning, this song came to me:

Love, devotion
Love, devotion
Feeling, emotion
Feeling, emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart, my friend
That will be the return to yourself

Yep, that's what I'm in the process of doing, but what I saw yesterday was how quickly I'm still capable of leaving myself.

The return to innocence

And if you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning, it's the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Yes it is. It's not comfortable, but it's so important for me to keep working on all of this. I know that I have an incredible mind and a big heart and all kinds of skills that can make the world a better place. I just need to keep working to scaffold my experiences so that I have the best chance of staying in my own power, and my experience today can help me identify ways to do that...

Lady

When I was driving in my car today, I was scanning the stations for a good sing-a-long song (singing is also helpful in finding one's voice), and I stumbled on this one:

Look around you, look up here
Take time to make time
Make time to be there
Look around, be a part
Feel for the winter
But don't have a cold heart

(Not an easy one for those of us living in Wisco and dealing with the coldest winter in 30 plus years!)

And I love you best
You're not like the rest
You're there when I need you
You're there when I need
I'm gonna need you

A long time ago
I had a lady to love
She made me think of things
I never thought of
Now she's gone and I'm on my own
A love song has come into my mind
A love song
It was there all the time

So lady
Let me take a look at you now
You're there on the dance floor
Making me want you somehow
Oh lady
I think it's only fair
I should say to you
Don't be thinkin' that I don't want you
'Cause maybe I do

Those last couple lines are my favorite in the song, and when I belted them out today, I chose to both hear them and sing them as an affirmation that though being in the world has not felt comfortable lately, there is a place for me here somewhere, a place where I'll be not only comfortable but thriving:

Don't be thinkin' that I don't want you
Lady I do

Thanks Universe!

Express Yourself

The discomfort I blogged about yesterday has a number of ways of manifesting itself, two of which I've decided are related to what I'm going to call finding my voice. And when I use the phrase finding my voice, I mean being able to speak clearly, kindly and honestly to both express my needs and what I have to offer to meet the needs of others and the world.

Turns out, not being able to do this, for me anyway, sometimes comes in the form of yelling, as it did last night with my kids, and sometimes in the form of being inarticulate, as it did yesterday during a phone call. And while neither one of them felt good, or comfortable, it helps me to think that the way to avoid that particular brand of discomfort in the future is to continue to work on grounding within myself.

To that end, when I woke up this morning, I had the sense that my yoga practice needed to deviate from the usual -- Ashtanga -- and focus on the fifth chakra, or the throat area. I got some ideas from this blog post that I stumbled onto, and was able to find a few videos that were helpful too, including this one demonstrating lion pose, and this one with a series of poses intended to balance the fifth chakra.

Sure enough, I felt a whole lot better when I was done practicing. Enough better, as a matter of fact, that one of the songs that the blog post I linked above referenced as being about the fifth chakra started to play inside my head:

Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this

Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real

You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better baby on your own
(Baby on your own)

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

Now I love a good Madonna song, and there are few things I love more than when my man's expressing his love love for me, but I'm a little disappointed that there isn't a little more in here about expressing what I've got. Because baby ready or not, that's what I'm focusing on today...

Breakaway

I've been feeling really uncomfortable lately -- that special kind of uncomfortable that comes from identifying that you no longer want to be where you are combined with the discomfort you feel when you start to push yourself to leave your (not so comfortable but familiar) comfort zone:

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

That's right. Leave it to Kelly Clarkson to get stuck on repeat in my mind, singing her cheesy version of my truth today:

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

I'm trying, I really am...