Return to Innocence

I had a not very fun experience today that I recognize as an opportunity to grow, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable.

I was just talking with my therapist about my tendency at times to try to morph into what I think other people want me to be. This doesn't lead to good places. It's the opposite of me standing in my power and seeing what comes, which is what I've been trying, as much as I can, to do. And succeeding, much of the time.

The problem is, as this experience shows me, I don't necessarily get any warning before I slide right out of my power and into justifying and morphing mode. There are signs that it is happening, but as it was happening yesterday, I didn't know how to come out of it.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but often what accompanies this sort of experience is agitation and anxiety, making it difficult to remain calm, fall asleep, stay asleep, etc.

In the midst of my churning, this song came to me:

Love, devotion
Love, devotion
Feeling, emotion
Feeling, emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart, my friend
That will be the return to yourself

Yep, that's what I'm in the process of doing, but what I saw yesterday was how quickly I'm still capable of leaving myself.

The return to innocence

And if you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning, it's the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Yes it is. It's not comfortable, but it's so important for me to keep working on all of this. I know that I have an incredible mind and a big heart and all kinds of skills that can make the world a better place. I just need to keep working to scaffold my experiences so that I have the best chance of staying in my own power, and my experience today can help me identify ways to do that...