The Getaway

Ahhhh, California. How I've missed you!

Across the aisle from me en route to California on Wednesday was a VERY chatty dude and his very attractive girlfriend. Among other topics they tried to include me in chatting about was The Red Hot Chili Peppers. I had to admit I hadn't kept up with their newer stuff, but back in the day, they were a fave, and hearing Under the Bridge always feels like getting to hang out with an old friend.

That's what inspired my song choice to mark my days in Cali:

That’s right you’re right
We will do our thing tonight alright
Take me through the future
It’s time you’re fine
Just another color coded crime
Incision and a suture
You told my friend
We would get it on no matter when
A supercavitation
Let’s go you show
Me something no one will ever know
A love hallucination
Another lonely superstar
To get away inside your car
Take it much too far
Surrender to the brave inside
A lover that another tried
Take it, too my ride
You don’t have to keep it if it’s mine
(Another lonely superstar to getaway inside your car)
Another place maybe another time
(Surrender to the brave inside a lover that another tried)
Complete repeat
Sitting in your car and on your street
Lost in California
Let’s steal this wheel
Take a spin to find out how we feel
Just around the corner
Slow down for sound
Turn it up and no we can’t be found
The body that we transcend
Asleep, you weep
Find out that the trick is never cheap
A melancholy girlfriend
Another lonely superstar
To get away inside your car
Take it much too far
Surrender to the brave inside
A lover that another tried
Take it, too my ride
You don’t have to keep it if it’s mine
(Another lonely superstar to getaway inside your car)
Another place maybe another time
(Surrender to the brave inside a lover that another tried)
That’s right you’re right
We will do our thing tonight, alright
Drive the constellation
It’s time you’re fine
Just another color coded crime
The song is fascination
Another lonely superstar
To get away inside your car
Take it much too far
Surrender to the brave inside
The lover that another tried
Take it, too my ride
A May December might not be so smart
(Another lonely superstar to getaway inside your car)
Arrivals that we wish would not depart
(Surrender to the brave inside a lover that another tried)
Don’t be late cause you’re my savior
Make it great whatever stays
Golden gate my rearranger
Hold my name inside your rays

That's a whole lotta words, especially since it's the last line that most resonated for me. Yes please, California, as I prepare to head back to the impending Winter in Wisconsin, please hold my name inside your rays...

Speaking of, until the tide washed it away, the beach in Santa Monica held my lover's initials:

Snow

Last night I had a strange but awesome dream. I was up at the top of a mountain at a ski resort, but I wasn't wearing any skis, just boots. I stood at the top of this super icy, mogul run wondering what I was going to do. And then I just started skiing, without skis, so smoothly, so beautifully -- so much more so than the conditions would have allowed even if I had been wearing skis. It was really strange, but also, really incredible.

My interpretation of that dream is that it may not look like I have what I need for life to go smoothly, but I do. The conditions might not look good, but they are, in fact, optimal for me.

For one thing, I've got my love, the original snow-lover, who, when I told him about this bizarre dream, said: "I've had that dream too!"

Yep. We may not be sleeping in the same bed (yet), but our subconsciouses are telling similar stories, and that's gotta be a good sign.

I also have these guys. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and they are the perfect dudes to mark this day:

Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh

When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
When it's killing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to believe that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh, look at what I say oh

The more I see the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
In between the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

Ho!

Went to descend to amend for a friend all the channels that have broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh... listen what I say oh

The more I see, the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah.

Even if we don't have any snow ourselves just yet!

Soul to Squeeze

Celebrating mother's day with my sister and kids

Heard this song on the way home from my son's soccer game today, which happened to be near my sister's house, so we got to have a little mother's day celebration too:

I got a bad disease,
Up from my brain is where I bleed.
In sanity it seems,
Is got me by my soul to squeeze.
Well all the love from me,
With all these dying trees I scream.
The Angels in my dreams,
have turned to demons of greed,
That's me.

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Today loves smile on me,
It took away my pain, said please
All that you ride is free,
You gotta let it be,
Oh ya.

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, gotta, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

You're so polite indeed,
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze,
And take away my self destruction.

It's bitter baby,
And it's very sweet.
I'm on a rollercoaster,
but I'm on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I be coming back baby,
I be coming back for more.

Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone,
ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad,
like an apple gift but i went out and never said my pleasures
I'm much better but I won't regret it never

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Might seem like a strange anthem for Mother's day, but I actually think it works, because it wasn't until I found my peace of mind that I could really fully settle into giving my kids my time. Super grateful to be there now, soaking up these last few years with my babies at home!

Can't Stop

Love these dudes, I really do.

After a nice day with the kids, I fired up Pandora to keep me company while making dinner, and this is what it had for me that struck a chord today:

Can't stop, addicted to the shindig
Chop top, he says I'm gonna win big
Choose not a life of imitation
Distant cousin to the reservation
Defunct, the pistol that you pay for
This punk, the feeling that you stay for
In time, I want to be your best friend
Eastside love is living on the West End
Knock out, but boy you better come to
Don't die, you know the truth is some do
Go write your message on the pavement
Burn so bright, I wonder what the wave meant
White heat is screaming in the jungle
Complete the motion if you stumble
Go ask the dust for any answers
Come back strong with 50 belly dancers

The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Come and tell me when it's time to

Sweetheart is bleeding in the snow cone
So smart, she's leading me to ozone
Music, the great communicator
Use two sticks to make it in the nature
I'll get you into penetration
The gender of a generation
The birth of every other nation
Worth your weight the gold of meditation
This chapter's gonna be a close one
Smoke rings, I know you're gonna blow one
All on a spaceship persevering
Use my hands for everything but steering
Can't stop, the spirits when they need you
Mop tops are happy when they feed you
J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop

Wait a minute I'm passing out
Win or lose, just like you
Far more shocking
Than anything I ever knew
How 'bout you
10 more reasons
Why I need somebody new, just like you
Far more shocking
Than anything I ever knew
Right on cue

Kick start the golden generator
Sweet talk, but don't intimidate her
Can't stop the gods from engineering
Feel no need for any interfering
Your image in the dictionary
This life is more than ordinary
Can I get 2 maybe even 3 of these
Comin' from space
To teach you of the Pleiades
Can't stop the spirits when they need you
This life is more than just a read-through

Yeah it is. And I think these dudes have my truth all summed up with their pretty little lyrics -- I can't stop believing in my departed love and our love for each other and I won't unless I have to:

The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Come and tell me when it's time to

Even though I can think of at least:

10 more reasons
Why I need somebody new

But unlike the Chilis I don't believe there's anyone:

just like you (him)

So I'll just keep living in:

The world I love -- the one that includes weekly contact with my kids

And I'll try not to worry too much about:

The tears I drop...

Under the Bridge

This song has been on repeat on the internal ipod since my drive home from the airport on Thursday evening:

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry

Building on the theme of my last post, the lonely feeling followed me home from Philly, and in some ways has only amplified since I got back. On Friday morning I started a cleanse, which basically means that for a period of time, I do a little experiment to see what happens when I don't reach for the creature comforts of chocolate, refined flour or sugar, and booze to soothe any discomforts that arise.

And in general, I'm not particularly comfortable at the moment. I feel sadness and frustration surrounding my lovelife. I thought I had found a partner, and not just any partner, the partner. Sure, there are things that needed to be worked out, but I really had the sense that we could work them out together. And we did, to some degree, and then we realized that we were both, to too great an extent, fulfilling unconscious patterns rather than staying focused on the partnership we both had a desire to be a part of. Ok, I thought. So we recalibrate. We adjust. We communicate. We get some help.

But something different happened. We started to disappear into I need this and I need this and in the process, we lost our ability to make decisions about our future together. The question of what that future would look like became a question of whether we would be together at all.

I don't know where to go from here, and so, as Anthony Kiedis suggests:

I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy
Well, I never worry, now that is a lie

In other words, I go about my life here in Madison, a place in which, for many years, I struggled to find peace. The only time I felt I had really chosen to live here was in college -- after that, it always seemed like a series of decisions based on something other than place that kept me in this quite lovely city that, despite its charm, doesn't particularly resonate for me in the way other places do.

What I learned, when I really dove into the feeling of wanting to leave this place, was that I just wasn't comfortable in my own skin. In this way, remaining in Madison has served for me like a cleanse -- rather than reaching for another place to fill me up, I've stayed put, and learned to fill myself up.

At least, mostly. The part of me that wants a partner, well, I'm not sure how long she's going to be able to hang out in this in between place she finds herself in right now:

Oh, no, no, no, yeah yeah
Love me, I say, yeah yeah