Dream Weaver

Today I felt rough. Off. Funky. I wasn't sure what to do with the yucky energy and then my friend texted to see if I wanted to go running. I didn't really want to go, but I knew that it would be a good idea. I'd had a rough night of sleep, including a dream about a death of some sort. It lacked detail, but the force of it was unmistakable.

Just a few steps into the run, I started to say how I was doing and immediately started to cry. I was feeling so hurt and let down by the fact that my kids and I had sent a Christmas box to the New Englander that we'd caringly assembled and he hadn't even bothered to say thank you. I just couldn't wrap my brain or my heart around it. Two weeks had passed since the package was supposed to arrive and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night, walked into the kitchen where I keep my phone at night, and sent him a text asking if he received it. By morning he'd sent one back saying yes, thank you. There were so many things I wanted to reply, but I stopped myself. It's no use. You can't force a person to be considerate. You can, however, give a person who consistently demonstrates a lack of consideration less of your consideration, and when I saw that text, that's what I resolved to do.

When I started to cry while we were running, my friend stopped me from running, hugged me and said "You deserve better."

And I noticed a change in the way that I responded to that phrase or idea. People have been saying that for the last few years at various points in my relationship with the New Englander, and I've consistently, vehemently objected. Knowing his worth, and feeling like I had to fight for it, I'd defend him. I honestly believed there was no such thing as better than him.

I still do believe that, on one level.  But now I can also make room for my friend's truth and the truth of all my other friends who said that before her: I deserve better from the person with whom I give and receive love. I deserve better behavior, better actions, better consideration. And I could feel that that truth doesn't need to take away from what an amazing man he is in so many ways, but it does suggest that I need to be in a relationship -- actively giving my love -- to someone who is capable of actively giving it back.

It seems that the trick is for me to learn to let the love be there without needing to believe he'll somehow morph into someone both capable of and thrilled to be in a relationship with me.

With this realization, it seems like I am getting there. For weeks I've asked my dreams for insights into the New Englander's departure and continued absence, and for a long time, I got nothing.

Then when I was up north, they started to come. I dreamt about him on three separate occasions, and each time, the dreams were about him and what he is doing or may someday do with his life. They weren't about us, with the exception of one when where he was calling me at the same time as someone named Joe and I was deciding which call to pick up.

I think the reason that my dreams started to shift was that my mindset (or maybe heartset) has also shifted about him. I realized that it didn't really work to be angry and push the love away -- the love we share has been so life affirming for both of us. So I began to make space for the possibility that I can let the love be there without needing to have any tangible contact with him, and that's when the dreams started to come.

That's right, as the song goes:

I have just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the Dream Weaver train
Driver take away my worries of today
And leave tomorrow behind

Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light

Fly me high through the starry skies
Or maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain

Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light

I love to sleep. I love to dream. I love myself. I love my dream of having a real union that I enter with my heart, soul, mind and body, met by a partner who does the same. I believe in this dream.

But it's not here yet. And that's ok.

I took myself to another movie today. Interstellar. One long ass movie, but worth the investment of time. One that stays in your head long afterward. The kind that I used to like to discuss with my two favorite movie buddies, both of whom moved to the East Coast, and the kind that I will one day soon discuss with a new movie buddy.

Until then, I'm fully capable of taking in movies alone, and afterward, there's always sleep, and dreams:

Though the dawn may be coming soon
There still may be some time
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon
And meet me on the other side

Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light...