Love and Compassion

I may have pushed it too hard yesterday -- even though I took a nap after skiing -- because I woke up once again feeling not much like my usual strong self.

I managed to get my kids off to school and then I went to practice. I only had a half an hour because I managed to snag an 8:30am appointment with my acupuncturist which I prioritized because I had the feeling that Chinese medicine could help me move through this illness.

My appointment was helpful, but at the end of it, it was clear that what I needed to do most was to go home and rest again. So I did. Another 4 hour nap. Whatever's got a hold of me, it's a powerful downward force.

As I always do, I am trying to address the emotional aspect of what is dragging me down, and it seems to be twofold. One part is that although I've taken some steps toward publishing a website and starting my own consulting business, I'm finding the process scary and difficult. The other part is that I still have so much sadness around the loss of my love.

For weeks, if not months, I've been thinking about doing the gratitude meditation (a led meditation by Jack Kornfield) to deal with this loss. I've used it previously to deal with a loss, but that loss was not on the same scale as this one. I think the reason I haven't done it until now is that it is so hard for me to want good things for him when I am feeling so sad about his choice not to be with me. The reason I ended up doing it tonight was that I started with the Buddha transforms difficulties (another led meditation by Jack Kornfield that I've written about before), and the message from that one was pretty clear: that the key to healing this wound is to find compassion for him. The other piece that I got from it -- the message -- was: "love yourself as only you can." This is the same advice I get from the teacher of the trauma recovery group, and I am doing my best. I really am. Message received on that front.

I was just trying to process the message about compassion when iTunes began to play the gratitude meditation. I left it on, bracing myself for what I knew would be a difficult few minutes. Through tears, I managed to say the words -- wishing good things for him -- if not necessarily fully feeling myself believing them. I have to trust that this is a process and that each step is going to lead me closer to freedom from the pain that it feels like I've been dealing with for such a long time.

What does the inner jukebox have to say about this? This song is old, it's random, but it fits:

I used to think love was a dying art
Compassion couldn't live within a crowded heart
I saw my freedom in a poor man's eyes
Hope like a light, will to survive
A sense of dignity to hold up high
These are the simple things
That keep us all alive
And though the rich buy power for a time
One thing that money can't buy

Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
That's what it takes
(give love... You're gonna feel love...
Ooo... Feel love... You're gonna give love)

One night when I was feelin' all alone
I saw a shadow walking in the danger zone
I knew that I would have to make a choice
Hunger in my heart, hunger in my spirit
We won't be free until we equalize
The price of power to the price of every life
And though I know it's gonna take some time
Someday we're all gonna find

Love and compassion
(onlv) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
That's what it takes to relate

Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
(oniy) Love und compassion
That's what it takes
(give love... Ooo feel love... You're gonna
Feel love... If you give love)

Yep. I'm gonna feel love, if I give love. So I'm gonna give love, to myself, and to the man who once called himself my man but has long since chosen another path...