Never Enough

Ok, so now this convalescence is getting old. I keep thinking I must be getting better, only to find myself without energy again and back in bed.

It feels like I have something to learn here, so I'm trying to figure out what that is. Although I haven't been in contact with The New Englander, I have been having some loving feelings about him that I pretty much inevitably wind up spinning into fantasies about us getting back together.

Last night before I went to sleep I asked my guides what they wanted me to know about my relationship with the man in question. The answer came, in dream form, crystal clear: I went out to visit him, and when I got there, he wasn't there. I looked around his apartment for a while and eventually he came back. I was on some sort of extended trip -- headed somewhere else after Maine. He and I were talking about this, and then he asked if he could stay at my house while I was away because he was going to be in the Midwest the following week. I woke up incredulous: I didn't rate at all. Not when I went out there, and not as a reason for him to come here. WOW.

So now that it's so very clear that the relationship holds nothing for me -- and I'm sure it was clear to many gentle readers a long time ago -- I think my job is to stop taking feelings about love and comfort and family and home and passion and partnership and projecting it onto the New Englander. Nobody's home there. Time to stop knocking. Even in my fantasies.

For some reason, maybe because no matter what I said, did or dreamt, it was never enough -- this is the song selected by my inner jukebox to mark this day:

However much I push it down
It's never enough
However much I push it around
It's never enough
However much I make it out
It's never enough
It s Never enough
However much I do

However big I ever feel
It's never enough
Whatever I do to make it real
It's never enough
In any way I try to speak
It's never enough
Never enough
However much I try to speak
It's never enough

However much I'm falling down
It's never enough
However much I'm falling out
It's never enough
Whatever smile I smile the most
It's never enough
Never enough
However I smile
I smile the most

So let me hold it up
Just one more go
Holding it up for just once more
One more time to fill it up
One more time to kill
But whatever I do
It's never enough
It's never enough

It's never enough

Nope, it never was...