Both Sides Now

 Sun setting at not-quite-snow-covered golf course

I felt much better today, probably due in no small part to the fact that I started the day with my yoga practice. I'm finding that now that I've settled into a six days per week practice routine, the most challenging thing about it is the day that I don't practice. I just don't quite feel sorted. I think it's healthy to take a day off, but it's often uncomfortable, and yesterday was no exception.

I had a super productive day today -- grocery shopping, baking, cooking, shoveling, cross country skiing, going to Alanon -- and it felt really good.

I think part of the reason for my funk yesterday was feelings stirred up from seeing my family, and Alanon is helpful with that.

But maybe the most useful thing I got from the meeting was this saying:

Part of growing is letting illusions die.

That really hit me like a ton of bricks. That's exactly what I need to do, I thought, and exactly what I have been doing -- allowing the illusion to die that I'm going to get to marry the New Englander and live happily ever after. It's an illusion, and it's time for it to die.

Here's a song about letting love's illusions die:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I know how you feel, Joni. Sometimes I don't either. But I'm learning, and as evidenced by my shadow in the photo above, I'm standing a little taller, looming a little larger, every single day...