Time of the Season

The snow adds an extra feature!

Mountain Biking stop number three on my Northwoods adventure: Levis Mound.

I'd never been, and was excited to go, but I was a little unsure when I got there to find it covered in snow. I've never tried mountain biking in snow before.

It. Was. So. Much. Fun!

Plus, it was 28 whole degrees, which felt quite warm compared to Cable.

This song started playing on the inner jukebox during my ride:

It's the time of the season
When the love runs high
In this time, give it to me easy
And let me try with pleasured hands

My Daddy studied ruffled grouse for his dissertation

To take you in the sun to (promised lands)
To show you every one
It's the time of the season for loving

In particular these next few lines were on repeat:

What's your name? (What’s your name?)
Who's your daddy? (Who's your daddy?)

I think because I feel connected to him in the woods, and these particular woods had a sign that particularly made me think of him.

(He rich?) Is he rich like me?
Has he taken (Has he taken)
Any time (Any time)
(To show) To show you what you need to live?

Tell it to me slowly (tell you what?)
I really want to know
It's the time of the season for loving

Happy girl!

What's your name? (What’s your name?)
Who's your daddy? (Who's your daddy?)
(He rich?) Is he rich like me?
Has he taken (Has he taken)
Any time (Any time)
(To show) To show you what you need to live?

Tell it to me slowly (tell you what?)
I really want to know
It's the time of the season for loving

Is it the time of the season for loving? I gotta say it kinda doesn't feel like it.

Unless it's the time of the season for loving myself, the great outdoors, and all the loves in my life, including my Dad and my ex-boyfriend, who contributed to the joy I felt riding today.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

The view out my window at Lakewoods Nature Lodge

Yesterday I began my travels to the Northwoods for work. My day did not go like I thought it would: A slippery, slushy snow closed down one of the major highways and caused me to bail on my planned drive to Turtle Lake.

Instead, I went to the Baraboo library, conducted my meeting via Zoom, had some lunch, and then headed up to Cable.

It felt strange to visit the area where my parents cabin is and not go there, strange to go mountain biking without my ex-boyfriend, and strange to be at a resort when so few people are there. But I'm kinda used to my life feeling strange right now, so it didn't get me down.

No snow to speak of on the trails, but brrrrrrr!

The Lakewoods Nature Lodge wasn't half bad, either complete with a hot tub that came in especially handy after today's early morning, insanely cold (11 degrees) mountain bike ride on what I can imagine are extremely fun trails when it's not so frigid you lose feeling in your hands and feet in a matter of minutes!

Another highlight, and how this song came to be selected to mark this day, was watching a nature show that reminded me of my favorite nature show growing up: Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

I mostly don't miss having a TV, but there's something about watching zebras and cheetahs in their natural habitat that really does it for me.

Especially when they use a classic song like this in the background while Zebras are cavorting:

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I've traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I've traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for something

Hold your head up
Keep your head up, movin' on
Hold your head up, movin' on
Keep your head up, movin' on
Hold your head up, movin' on
Keep your head up, movin' on
Hold your head up, movin' on
Keep your head up

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I've traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for something
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I've traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for something
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I've traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for something
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I've traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for something
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I've traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for something
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I've traveled the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for something

I could use some Sweet Dreams -- here's hoping some come my way tonight...

Bargain

Best I've ever had, ever could have, ever will have. #bestever

This weekend we made the long trek up to our favorite Midwestern spot: Copper Harbor, in the U.P.

It wasn't a perfect weekend for it, by any means: I've been processing traumatic memories (most likely thanks to my mother's birthday on Friday) which means not much sleep and lots of tears, I have a cold, we couldn't get Friday or Monday off work, the forecast was chilly one day and rainy the next...

But it was our last opportunity to get up there this Fall, so we took it. And though it wasn't easy in a lot of ways, it was, as it always is, glorious: the mountain biking, Lake Superior, Brickside Brewery, ahhhh...

And don't forget lots of car time with my man, whether it be driving or sleeping (as we did the second night when it wasn't just cold but pouring rain). That's always a treat.

Especially with a sound track like this:

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I had
To find you I'd suffer anything and be glad

I'd pay any price just to get you
I'd work all my life and I will
To win you I'd stand naked, stoned and stabbed

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I sit looking 'round
I look at my face in the mirror
I know I'm worth nothing without you
In life one and one don't make two
One and one make one
And I'm looking for that free ride to me
I'm looking for you

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

Yes he is!

Say It Isn't So

Heard this classic on the ampersand bands top 40 countdown (didn't know that was a thing!):

(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)

Say it isn't so painful
To tell me that you're dissatisfied
Last time I asked you
I really got a lame excuse
I know that you lied
Now wicked things can happen
You see 'em goin' down in war
But when you play in a quiet way
That bites it even more
(Say it)
Tell me what you want, yeah
I'll do it, baby
I promise right now
(Say it)
Who propped you up
When you were stopped low motivation
had you on the ground
I know your first reaction
You slide away
Hide away, goodbye
But if there's a doubt
Maybe I can give out
A thousand reasons why
You have to say it isn't so
(It isn't so)
I say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh, no
I say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh, no
(Say it)
We like to be the strangers
At the party
Two rebels in a shell (say it)
You like to move
With the best of them
You know we move so well
Don't need someone to lean on
I know where there's an open door
But if I'm faced
With being replaced
I want you even more
So baby, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
oh-oh, no
Say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Whoooa, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh-oh, yeah
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)

Why you gonna go
Do you half ta say
You wanna go
Ooh-ooh baby, say it isn't
(Say it isn't)
Say, say, say it isn't
(Say it isn't) so (so, say it isn't)
Why do you have to say it isn't
(Say it isn't) so
(Say it isn't) so (say, say it isn't)
I know it's so hard for you (say it isn't)
So hard (say it isn't)
Don't say, baby (so, say it isn't)
There must be some other way
Don't have to (say it isn't)
Some other way (So say it isn't)
Aah, you don't have to say (say it isn't)

Which was basically my mantra while my man was away: Say it isn't so.

It so wasn't.

And I am soooooooooo grateful!

Spleen Merchant

High Fall Risk indeed!

Last night was one crazy night.

It started off normal enough -- my boyfriend, daughter and I headed out to Quarry Ridge to mountain bike.

On a rocky climb, my boyfriend took a tumble. No biggie, he thought, and climbed back on his bike. We both fall off our bikes in much bigger ways than that on a regular basis.

But he wasn't fine, and before we knew it, we were in the car on the way home. My daughter said she predicted he was going to start puking, and that he was probably bleeding internally. We brushed it off -- no honey -- it wasn't that hard of a fall.

An hour or two later, we learned that her predictions were true as my man became too weak to walk, fainted, and started throwing up. I called 911 and away he went to ER with me following soon after.

It was super scary in the ER, with lots and lots of doctors and talk of blood in the abdomen and possible surgery. I held it together pretty well until the chaplain came to talk to me -- that undid me a little -- followed by the social worker.

My boyfriend, meanwhile, was an absolute champ: super brave, super polite, participating in his health care (could you please clear my c-spine, he asked the trauma attending, so that he could take off the cervical collar)...

Still, it was one stressful night, and my poor man is gonna be laid up for a while.

This song is pretty dark, and I don't much like the lyrics, but there aren't a lot of songs out there about spleens -- go figure!?

When I die you can cut me up and take all that you please
But pity the poor dumb fool who gets my bleeding spleen
Corn pone, I born tomorrow, my bone marrow protein filled
Scotch whiskey Men of Tain have come to split your skills
Hey, hey
I got your heaven, I got your burning hell, I got it all right here

Bleeding speen -- check!

Heaven -- a bit elusive at the moment.

Hell -- nah, wouldn't go that far...

Sir Duke

My man and I headed to Kettle Moraine to mountain bike today, after being thwarted by wet trails earlier in the week.

On the way home, we heard this Stevie Wonder number:

Music is a world within itself
With a language we all understand
With an equal opportunity
For all to sing, dance and clap their hands
But just because a record has a groove
Don't make it in the groove
But you can tell right away at letter A
When the people start to move

They can feel it all over
They can feel it all over people
They can feel it all over
They can feel it all over people

Music knows it is and always will
Be one of the things that life just won't quit
But here are some of music's pioneers
That time will not allow us to forget
For there's Basie, Miller, Satchmo
And the king of all Sir Duke
And with a voice like Ella's ringing out
There's no way the band can lose

You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people

You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people

You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people

You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
I can feel it all over-all over now people

Can't you feel it all over
Come on let's feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
Everybody-all over people

And I thought: "Yes!" I CAN feel it all over. Alive. Strong. Vigorous.

And of course, in lovvvvvvvve...

The Ballad of Curtis Loew

My very own, very favorite bike mechanic

Ok so being home with my man is pretty great too.

Take this scene, out my kitchen window, as a case in point: there he is, working on my mountain bike.

What you can't hear, is his soundtrack -- it's this song:

Well I used to wake the morning before the rooster crowed
Searching for soda bottles to get myself some dough
Brought 'em down to the corner, down to the country store
Cash 'em in and give my money to a man named Curtis Loew

Old Curt was a black man with white curly hair
When he had a fifth of wine he did not have a care
He used to own an old dobro, used to play it across his knee
I'd give old Curt my money, he'd play all day for me

I wasn't familiar with the song, and when I asked him about it, he got all choked up and teary telling me the story the lyrics tell:

Play me a song Curtis Loew, Curtis Loew
I got your drinking money, tune up your dobro
People said he was useless, them people are the fools
'Cause Curtis Loew was the finest picker to ever play the blues

He looked to be sixty, and maybe I was ten
Mama used to whip me but I'd go see him again
I'd clap my hands, stomp my feets, try to stay in time
He'd play me a song or two
Then take another drink of wine...

Yesiree. I love his acts of service. I love his taste in music. I love his heart. And I love being his woman.

I Need a Lover

I adore this beautiful huMAN!

This song has been playing on the internal jukebox ever since I heard it on our way up here to the U.P.:

I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
(I need a lover that won't drive me crazy)
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy

And all I can think when it runs through my head is how much I love having a lover who drives me crazy in the best possible way.

I feel incredibly fortunate to be in this incredibly alive, engaging and passionate relationship with such an amazing man.

This photo was taken before ride number two down a really intense downhill called The Flow. It requires going with the flow for sure, and that ain't easy, especially when the first time down involved a pretty gnarly crash for yours truly.

But it's SO MUCH FUN. Besides, having scraped up arms and legs is just an indication that I've been out playing, and that's just exactly what the doctor (and the vedic astrologer) ordered!

Carry On

Heard this song on my way home from day number two of great Ashtanga practices with a gifted teacher and awesome Autumnal mountain bike rides at CamRock:

And after all's been said and done
Who said it best, were you the one?
Let's just forget, leave it behind
And carry on

If you should find the time to speak
Then speak to me, I'd never keep
You from your final destiny
So carry on

Into the quiet I am bound
What you have lost, I've never found
I lost my nerve, yet peace surrounds
So carry on

It's a beautiful song, in that distinctly Norah Jones way that her songs are beautiful, and it feels apropos of what the New Englander and I have decided to do:

And now that all's been said and done
Who said it best, were you the one?
Let's just forget, leave it behind
And carry on
Let's just forget, leave it behind
And carry on

We've decided to carry on with our love, and leave behind the years where things for the two of us didn't quite line up based on what we both brought to the relationship when we met.

It's a complicated history, to be sure, but it feels anything but complicated to me right now. It feels like everything's lining up the way my heart, mind, body and soul has been hoping it would!

Before You Accuse Me

I can't super say why the internal jukebox started playing this song while I was mountain biking this morning, but it did:

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
Well your mother said "Son"
"Don't call my daughter no more"

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

Come back home baby, try my love one more time
Come back home baby, try my love one more time
If I don't go on and quit you
I'm gonna lose my mind

I'm pretty sure this song was playing in my head when I crashed -- and it was quite a crash. But I got right back up, hoping my bike would still work (it did), just in time to get out of the way of the dude behind me. My legs were shaky, my knee was skinned, and my back felt stiff, but otherwise, I seemed to be relatively unscathed.

Maybe that crash was the Universe's way of saying that I shouldn't still be singing that last verse, as tempting as it is when I'm doing one of the things I most enjoyed with my last lover. Because in truth, I don't want him to come back home.

I want to be with someone who is whole. And well. I've worked too hard to get there myself not to reap the benefits within the context of my romantic relationship. If I could just manage to stop protecting myself from further heartbreak, I could let that beautiful, whole, well person in. And I will. When I'm ready. I'm just making sure I've adequately prepared on my end...

Don't Give Up On Me

My new mountain biking partner in crime

It was a long, long road riding my mountain bike alone after the New Englander left, a road (or a path) upon which many tears were shed. But today I am happy to say I got to go riding with a friend (a friend who practices Ashtanga with me, no less!), and it was sooooooooooo nice!

I took her to Kettle Moraine -- she'd never been -- and it was a perfect day weather wise. It felt great to be out there, and great to be leading, really, really great.

And then I got home, and I got in the tub, and this song came on:

If I fall short, if I don't make the grades
If your expectations aren't met in me today
There is always tomorrow, or tomorrow night
Hang in there baby, sooner or later
I know I'll get it right

Please, don't give up on me
Oh please don't give up on me
I know it's late, late in the game
But my feelings, my true feelings
Haven't changed
Here in my heart

I know, I know I was wrong, wrong wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong
I'd like to make amends for the love that I never, ever, ever, ever shown
Just don't give up on me, every word is true

I'll give you my everything, all of my love, all of my love, all of my love love love
Just don't give up on me
Oh please, please, please
Don't give up on me

I don't want you to
I know it's late, but wait, please, please, please, please
Don't give up on me
Promise, will you promise, will you promise me
Please don't give up on me

We can make it if we try
I'm gonna hold on, hold on with me
And don't give up on me, oh-ooh, -oohohoooh -baby
Oh baby, Oh baby, please, don't-give-up-on-me
Whatever you do, we gonna make it, gonna make it through
Don't you give up on me, please, please, please... Promise me
Don't-give-up-on-me

To which I say, hmmmm Universe, interesting song choice. Beautiful, but interesting. It's not a song about celebrating new beginnings. It's not a song about moving on. It's a song about not giving up on the person who has wronged you but still loves you.

Very. Interesting. Choice.

But here's the thing: I'm playing around right now with the mantra "I already have everything I need."

Strictly speaking, I know that it is true. I have air to breathe, clean water to drink, food to eat, and love all around me. I even have a new mountain biking partner. So I'm just going to let the song play, and let it mark the day, without creating any kind of story around it, other than my mantra:

"I already have everything I need."

Indeed I do...

Nothing from Nothing

Sure, I'll take a 2016 Volvo XC 90 as my loaner!

What an incredible day! In so many ways. Among them:

1) My day started with a road trip to PJ's yoga shala with another devoted practitioner. What a treat!

2) Speaking of treats, my car is in the shop -- not the usual shop, but the Volvo dealership -- and they gave me this sweet little ride for the weekend. So fast. Handles like a dream. So not going to spend the $50K on it (even if I had it), but I will enjoy it while I have it!

3) The weather is so warm and so beautiful and we've waited so long for it!

4) I got to take advantage of this beautiful day by having my season debut mountain bike ride at CamRock. The legs are weaker than I'd like, but they'll be back.

5) I got to help facilitate professional development at a middle school that really gets it. What a pleasure to work with teachers so dedicated to serving kids with open hearts and compassion.

6) On my way home, I drove down Park St., pulling up next to a car with a couple of dudes with super sweet afros. They, of course, were impressed with "my" ride, and I, with their hair.

7) My note from the Universe today contained this important reminder: The only person who should ever have to live by your standards, Sarah, is you.

It's true. But like Billy Preston, heard in the Volvo today, I do need something to go on. Check out the video for this song, speaking of afros. So classic! I also love his response when he's asked about the title of the song:

Well it's an old saying, and it makes a lot of sense.

Yes it does, Billy. Yes. It. Does:

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me

I'm not tryna be your hero
'Cause that zero is too cold for me, brrr
I'm not tryin' to be your highness
'Cause that minus is too low to see, yeah

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
And I'm not stuffin', believe you me
Don't you remember I told ya
I'm a soldier in the war on poverty, yeah, yes, I am

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me, oh baby
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me, that's right, ha yea

That's right. Ha yea. I know you're out there. Somewhere. Someone with something. For me.

I just know you are...

Inside Out

Our backyard maple this past weekend - wow!

Today was a phenomenal day. First of all, I know I do go on, but this fall has been so incredible. So warm, so bright, so lovely!

I started my day today practicing Ashtanga with my favorite at-home practice partner. As usual, we had fun and got some yoga in, which is a pretty great combination.

There's no doubt that it's different than my regular practice (and in some respects not as good a practice for me) -- but it's opening me up in other ways that I can already tell are entirely worthwhile.

Then I had a couple of work meetings followed by an hour of playing in the woods on my mountain bike at CamRock.

The scenery there was really different from the last time I visited, which was during the summer, but still really incredible in its own way (almost all the leaves were down out there).

One of the trails at CamRock

When I got home, I had a call to launch a new consulting project (yay money to feed, clothe and shelter my family!) and then settled in to watch the series finale of my latest Netflix indulgence, Gilmore Girls.

The very last scene contained this song, along with a passionate kiss between two of the characters who had been on and off again for a while:

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Thinking, wishing, hoping
that you'll never feel the same again

Lying wide awake at night
Sleeping in the morning light
Doing all these things although
I shouldn't be ashamed of them

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out

Clutching on the last straw
Seeing things I've never saw
Must be time I fell
Down to a place I didn't know too well

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Although I'm starting to break this spell
I know I haven't got a hope in Hell

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out

When you've called it a day
You've had things your own way
I guess it's fair to say
I'm gonna make you pay

(Didn't get a chance
Wished inside
Holding on until you draw the line
One step forward
Two steps back
And you're gone, gone)

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Lying wide awake at night
Sleeping in the morning light

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Just try and stop my world from turning inside out

Happily ever after wasn't so much stated as implied, and that's how I'm feeling about my life (in terms of love and otherwise) right now too:

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out

Mustang Sally

Some choice graffiti on a log in Kettle Moraine

Yesterday at my daughter's soccer game I was chatting with one of the parents about our favored outdoor activities. He's a climber -- loves to climb, indoors and out. I was particularly struck by something he said about climbing: "I love chaos and there's just so much chaos on a good climb!"

To some extent, I get it. My constitution is primarily pitta -- lots of fire -- so I like to be challenged -- and I'm not afraid to take risks. But I don't love chaos.

Mountain biking is perfect for me in that it is challenging and you have to be willing to take risks, but you're also following a trail. You might have to choose which logs to go over or how to go over a bunch of big rocks on the path, but there's a trail and you follow it, always trying to be ready for what's next even while you focus on what you're doing in the present moment.

While riding this afternoon -- on a gorgeous fall day -- I saw the message on the log pictured above.

And from that point on, The Commitments had joined my ride:

Mustang Sally, think you better slow your mustang down
Mustang Sally, think you better slow your mustang down
You been running all over the town now
Oh! I guess I'll have to put your flat feet on the ground

All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride
All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride
All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride

One of these early mornings, oh, you gonna be wiping your weeping eyes
I bought you a brand new mustang 'bout nineteen sixty five
Now you come around signifying a woman, you don't want to let me ride
Mustang Sally, think you better slow your mustang down
You been running all over the town now
Oh! I guess I'll have to put your flat feet on the ground

All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride
All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride
All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride

Ride I did, and BTW, I felt about a hundred times better both during and afterward doing this particular ride (on a long and challenging trail) than I did a month or two ago, before I was on the Whole 30. I'm thinking some of these dietary changes are gonna need to be permanent!

Have Love Will Travel

Trails that satisfy me!

I think this might be the original road trip song:

Waaah
Have love, whoa Baby will travel
Have love, yea Darlin' will travel
(I said) If you need lovin'
Then hmm, mmm, I'll travel

Well I travel from Maine to Mexico
Just to find a little girl that'll love me so
No matter where, no matter where I'll be
I'm lookin' for a woman that'll satisfy me

The top of Brockway Mountain this am

Though our motives for getting in the car may be different, this was quite a road trip I embarked upon, and it's going to take all I've got to get back into the car and drive away from this gorgeous place.

After packing up the campsite, I decided to come over and hit some of my faves before getting in the car.

It's soooooooooo hard to leave.

Good thing I have The Sonics:

Have love, whoa Baby I will travel

And of course, my babies at home.

And one day, someday, as one of my yoga teachers likes to say, perhaps I'll inspire some dude to travel to get to me:

Well I might take a boat, or I'll take a plane
Might hitchhike, or jump a railroad train
Your kind of lovin' drives a man insane
So look for me a walkin' just any ol' way

Have love, whoa Babe will travel
Have love, yea Baby will travel
If you need lovin'
Then yeah, yeah, I'll travel

If you need lovin'
Then Woah, I'll travel

One More Night

Soaking up the summer sun on the rocky shore

Spent the day riding again today, but decided to forego the trip to the brewery that turned into a big nap yesterday. Instead I decided to shower and head for Lake Superior.

It never disappoints! There's something about this rocky shoreline that is so grounding, and I could use a little of that right about now.

The beautiful view in the other direction

The weather has been extraordinarily beautiful, the riding fantastic, the sleep restorative, but there is no getting away from the fact that I'm alone up here.

Yesterday at my campsite, a man with young kids asked if I was solo and I said yes, to which he replied that his wife had been watching me and didn't think she'd ever do it by herself.

I felt like saying:

"Well dude, if you had asked me if I'd be here alone when my kids were that age, I would have told you that you were crazy, but here I am."

But I didn't, of course.

He said he thought I had it figured out -- both because he envied my alone time and of course men are much more comfortable than women with solo adventures. I get that.

He also said: "You could be doing this" pointing to his kids. I assured him that I have done that, and that my kids would have liked to have come (and I would have liked to have them), but they were older and had activities and school back at home.

There are some pretty great things about being solo -- lots of time to think -- getting to do what you want when you want -- but one of the things I've affirmed on this trip is that for me, I'd rather share this with someone. And since I'm no longer able to share it with the person I used to share it with, I resolved to make more of an effort to meet people for whom this weekend is their idea of a good time. They exist, I know they do, I just don't really know them (with one exception, and she was unable to join me).

Turns out this is the very last night that the East Campground at Fort Wilkins State Park is open, making this rather insipid Maroon 5 tune, which came to me as my neighbors on the campground were discussing having to pack up and leave in the morning:

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.
You and I go rough, we keep throwing things and slamming the door.
You and I get so damn dysfunctional, we stopped keeping score.
You and I get sick, yeah, I know that we can't do this no more.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
That I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I said it a million times
But I'll only stay with you one more night

And the song, when it came, reminded me as a number of things have on this trip, that all was not sunshine and daisies when I was with the New Englander, even in beautiful places like this.

There was always a part of me that wished he'd share more of himself with me, or think about us as a unit, but he truly functioned like a solo entity that sometimes had an add-on (or three). This was driven home to me in a comment he made on the way home from here the very last time we were up here together.

He was leaving soon (for New England), and we were talking about the fact that we hadn't been to Marquette yet (another town in the U.P. with great mountain biking), and I mentioned a weekend that I could go. I will never forget what he said in response: "Oh no, I wouldn't be going for comfort."

Meaning that he hadn't been thinking I'd be with him at all, if he did go, and that I didn't really enter the picture for him when he thought about going. My heart sank. That was such a pivotal moment for me. It really made me realize he didn't want to share his life with me, or maybe with anyone, I don't know.

But it's good for me to remember that, because I am also remembering so many delicious things about our relationship while I'm up here:

Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
(Making me love you)
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
(I let it all go)
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
(Like a tattoo, yeah)
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

And I also feel grateful, that since he really had no intention of truly partnering with me, that he did leave. Because god knows it was nearly impossible for me to stay away from him when he was nearby -- my physical body just wouldn't have it:

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
(Yeah)
That I'll only stay with you one more night
(Oh)
And I know I said it a million times
(Yeah)
But I'll only stay with you one more night
(Yeah)

Yeah, baby, give me one more night
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (whoa, yeah)
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (oh, yeah, yeah)

The Other Side

My Sweet Little Lakefront Campsite!

The Upper Peninsula loves it some classic rock, and this trip up here was no exception.

Take it away Aerosmith:

Loving you has got to be (take me to the other side)
Like the devil and the deep blue sea (take me to the other side)
Forget about your foolish pride (take me to the other side)
Oh take me to the other side (take me to the other side)

My mamma told me there'd be days like this
And man, she wasn't fooling
Because I just can't believe the way you kiss
Uh uh huh
You opened up your mouth with baited breath
You said you'd never leave me
You love me, you hate me, I tried to take the loss
You're crying me a river but I got to get across

I'm looking for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Oh, honey, best believe it
To save a lot of time and foolish pride I'll say what's on my mind, girl
You loved me, you hate me, you cut me down to size
You blinded me with love and yeah it opened up my eyes

On the Edge: So fun to ride up - more challenging to ride down!

Take me to the other side
I'm looking for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Honey, best you believe it
Now I'm not one for saying long goodbyes
I hope all is forgiven
You loved me, you hate me, I used to be your lover
You know you had it coming girl so take me to the other...

Having heard this song in the car yesterday, it kept me company as I rode the amazing trails today -- one of my faves is pictured here.

And after three and a half hours of riding followed by an hour in the finest brewery in the world, I do believe I got to the other side all by myself...

Love Me Two Times

I heard this song on the radio on the way to yoga today:

Love me two times, baby
Love me twice today
Love me two times, girl
I'm goin' away
Love me two times, girl
One for tomorrow
One just for today
Love me two times
I'm goin' away

And it prompted lots of thoughts and feelings, among them:

1) I am indeed goin' away soon. I'm going up to Copper Harbor to camp and enjoy some really excellent mountain biking. I love it up there. It's so beautiful. I'm excited. It's just that every time I even think about actually going up there without the New Englander, I start crying.

Well, I told myself as Jim Morrison crooned away in the background, maybe this is just the next layer of the grieving process. Last year I wanted to go, but I couldn't bring myself to do it in the end. This year, despite all the tears, it feels like I'm really going to make the trek.

Love me one time
I could not speak
Love me one time
Yeah, my knees got weak
But love me two times, girl
Last me all through the week
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away

2) Now that I'm not with the man who loved me two times and then some, I pondered whether I should try to rustle up some other male accompaniment to make the journey with me. You know, someone else to love me two times. As I recall, I pondered the same thing last year. It seemed like it would be easier to face the loss if I had someone else on whom to focus.

I'm sure it would be easier. And if said adventuresome man had walked (or ridden) into my life by now, I'm sure he'd be accompanying me on this trip. But he hasn't. And I'm not about to go hunting for someone for the purpose of making a loss easier to bear. That's not how I roll.

So I'm going to be brave. I'm going to do it alone. I've never camped alone before, so it feels a little daunting, but I have a feeling that going through with this under present circumstances will be good for me. More growing and all that:

Oh, yes

Love me two times, babe
Love me twice today
Love me two times, babe
'Cause I'm goin' away
Love me two time, girl
One for tomorrow
One just for today
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away

Tougher Than The Rest

Big hands I know you're the one!

This morning my ipod dialed up this beautiful number from the Boss:

Well It's Saturday night
You're all dressed up in blue
I been watching you awhile
Maybe you been watching me too
So somebody ran out
Left somebody's heart in a mess
Well if you're looking for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Some girls they want a handsome Dan
Or some good-lookin' Joe
On their arm some girls like a sweet-talkin' Romeo
Well 'round here baby
I learned you get what you can get
So if you're rough enough for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

The road is dark
And it's a thin thin line
But I want you to know I'll walk it for you any time
Maybe your other boyfriends
Couldn't pass the test
Well if you're rough and ready for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Well it ain't no secret
I've been around a time or two
Well I don't know baby maybe you've been around too
Well there's another dance
All you gotta do is say yes
And if you're rough and ready for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest
If you're rough enough for love
Baby I'm tougher than the rest

Me too, Bruce. I feel like I am one of the tougher ones.

Yesterday on my bike in the woods, I scraped my shoulder on a tree.

No big deal -- you can barely see the wound -- but I had to laugh when I told my daughter about it and she said: "That's exactly why I don't like mountain biking."

I get that there are a lot of people who wouldn't like it for the reason that I often emerge from the woods a little scraped up.

Me? It makes me feel like a badass.

In other words, it helps me be in my power. And I'm all for any activity that meets that criteria!

Truth and Honesty

I think I've written before about the problems I've had with my right knee. It was really hurting for a while, to the extent that I could not even sit cross-legged, which was a real drag. It's getting better now, but it still hurts from time to time.

Yesterday after one of my yoga classes, the teacher began saying what he always says at the end of class: "Hands to the third eye to know the truth" -- and as I did that, I felt a sharp pang in my knee. Hmmm, I thought to myself, there is something I know (and am perhaps refusing to acknowledge?) that is related to what's going on in my knee.

And then this morning, during a meditation class, the teacher said:

"When you take just one single step toward the truth, the truth takes a thousand steps toward you."

So beautiful. And as my friend said after class, "I really hope that is true!"

As do I. I'm still trying to figure out what taking a step toward the truth looks like, although I think that's what I've been doing.

Here's what Aretha has to say on the subject:

I would like to see a show of hands
Nothin' concealed, roll up your sleeve
Nothin' up my sleeve except my heart
And I believe we've come apart

I would like to see you play your cards
Reveal your hands and show your heart
Maybe we could get it back

With truth and honesty that's what we need to hold on
To the good stuff we believe in
Before we land up loose and sad and free
Before we find that it's gone
We could pull it back together, truth and honesty
Open up your hands, show me your heart

Let's stay up till dawn and talk it out
Nothin' concealed, no alibi, retunin' to light
Before we start, then all we do is fall apart
If I can see the sunlight in your eyes

Then maybe we all could shine, yeah
Maybe we could get it back, oh baby, yeah baby

Truth and honesty, you know what we need, sure enough within
To the good stuff, the good stuff baby
You got to be real, you got to be real, you got to be sugar
To the good stuff we believe in, you got to, you got to...

Yep, you've got to be real. And for me today that meant returning to CamRock for some more fun riding after my many yoga and meditation practices this morning, and then sucking it up and cleaning my basement (with the help of a friend) this afternoon/evening.

As a result, I had another killer day in my body, my ex-boyfriend's bed is gone, the couch where mice were nesting is gone, the dead mice are gone, and I sent an email to a contractor about the possibility of replacing the ceiling where they are so clearly living.

I'm gonna keep working on taking steps toward the truth, but I think that dealing with what scares me -- e.g. mice in my basement, letting go of what's left in my life of the New Englander -- is a good step in that direction...