Room at the End of the World

I love Easter. I love the story of the resurrection and the rebirth. Every year it seems to come right when I need it most, and this year is no exception. I may have said this before -- because God knows I've known intellectually for years that I needed to let go of the past -- but I feel ready now. I feel like I have what I need to really do it this time -- strength, support, acceptance, peace.

I went to church this morning -- an essential part of the Easter experience for me and the only day of the year I feel compelled to return to the Episcopalian part of my roots -- which was a satisfying experience on a lot of levels.

I particularly liked this prayer:

"Call us to our mission. Give us insight to know it and power to do it."

Right? So important to have both in all things we try to do in this life, from letting go of a relationship that is no longer serving you to finding fulfilling work.

On the way home from church I heard this song, which also seems to be about beginnings and endings:

If the sun don't light
and the night won't turn
we'll get a room at the end of the world
and we'll rewrite all the wrongs we've learned
safe in our room at the end of the world

These streets are haunted
with ghosts who wait on luck to come
sleep with hornets
and they wonder why they wake up stung

Sad can't catch me
call me baby now
when it's all I use to believe

One heart is never enough alone
one heart is never enough alone

It's true. Good thing this heart is far from alone and ready to be reborn with someone new...

Faster

Love this day for so many reasons:

1) I'm feeling so much more settled than I was yesterday afternoon and evening;

2) We kicked off another Breathe for Change school membership this morning, this time at a high school (!), with whom we are so excited to be working. And one of the kids had a totally sweet t-shirt on that read:

(Box unchecked) Single
(Box unchecked) Taken
(Box checked) Awesome

Uh-huh.

3) My note from the Universe this morning was awesome and about love:

Dear Sarah,

I'd say the biggest decision of your life, Sarah, was not your career, your marital status, or your home... it was choosing to love as often as you have.

You lover,
    The Universe

Especially, Sarah, when it seemed in vain, because it never is.

I totally agree with that sentiment. Never in vain, but sometimes extremely confusing and disheartening when it doesn't work out.

But things are shifting for me. I can feel it. They are shifting professionally, and it's only a matter of time before they shift in the heart department.

Today's song is dedicated to the knowledge that soon enough, my heart will be beating faster for someone new:

You're so delicious, you're so soft
Sweet on the tip of my tongue
You taste like sunlight
And strawberry bubble gum

You bite my lip, you spike my blood
You make my heart beat faster

Own me, you own, you rattle my bones
You turn me over and over till I can't control myself
Make me a liar, one big disaster
You make my heart beat faster

It's the way you swell, slow
Pushing right out your seams
It's the way you smile, baby
When you've got me on my knees

Your all night noise, your sirens howl
You make my heart beat faster

Own me, you own, you rattle my bones
You turn me over and over till I can't control myself
Make me a liar, one big disaster
You make my heart beat faster

'Cause I jump, I crash, I crawl
I beg, I steal, I fall Ooooh
Yeah, you own me
And you make my heart beat faster

I can't get enough
I guess it's gone
I guess this world is over to me

You own me, you own, you rattle my bones
You turn me over and over till I can't control myself
Make me a liar, one big disaster
You make my heart beat faster

Come On Get Higher (I Miss the Sound of Your Voice)

My son has been nursing a couple of sports-related injuries, and I was going to call the doctor yesterday when I realized there was someone we could ask who would definitely know what he should do: The New Englander.

So I sent him a text and asked if my son could call him about it, and he said of course.

I didn't actually talk to him myself -- other than saying hi because he was on speakerphone when my kids talked to him -- but even so, just hearing his voice had a profound impact on me.

It used to be that every time I heard the sound of his voice -- since he moved away that is -- I would break down and cry. But that didn't happen last night. Instead, I was mostly ok with it, except for the part of me that was more than ok with it. That's right, despite the time that has passed and what has transpired between us - the sound of that man's voice is still like an on-switch for my girl parts.

And that's ok. We've always had a strong physical connection. We probably always will. I no longer confuse that for what it takes to have a meaningful partnership in this life -- but it is absolutely undeniable. And so I'm letting it be, and marveling a little about how long it has been now that that part of me has been almost dormant. I don't feel like I'm doing that on purpose. I don't feel like I've taken myself off the market. I just feel like now I know what it is like to have a physical relationship with someone you love deeply, and for me, there's no going back to feeling satisfied with anything less.

So this morning, when I woke up after a big night of dreams about the physical nature of my last relationship, this is the song that I heard on my inner ipod:

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms.

I remember the feeling that it was true that everything worked in his arms. But it wasn't really true, not on every level. If it had been, we'd still be together today. It's like the quote on the whiteboard in the office of a woman I met with today said:

"If you're committed to something, you'll find a way. If you're not committed, you'll find an excuse."

Uh-huh.

So now I'm committed to taking this knowledge of how incredible a physical connection can be and not settling for anything less than someone who is fully committed to living this beautiful life with me...