You Can't Always Get What You Want

When I climbed into bed tonight, I wasn't in a good frame of mind. It was a rough week, and I'd made some preparations for the evening that I thought meant it would go smoothly: I picked up the foods my kids liked, and I'd gotten a DVD from Netflix that one of them had requested. I was hoping for some joyful bonding at the dinner table followed by a snuggle on the couch together watching the movie. That's not what I got -- the food, somehow, wasn't up to par, and my daughter did NOT want her brother to watch the movie with us. I felt defeated, which isn't an easy thing to bounce back from when you're already feeling pretty depleted.

Long story short, the eve of my 40th birthday wasn't pretty in a lot of ways, and when this song came on:

You can't always get what you want (no, no baby)

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need, ah yes...

I knew I hadn't gotten what I wanted, and further, I wasn't sure I'd gotten what I needed. I tried to get in touch with what was underneath the yucky feelings I was having, and unearthed some fear I was feeling about my boyfriend coming to town and meeting a bunch more of my friends. Although I wanted to take that step, my feet had some residual cement on them from the last time I felt this way and went down this road, and I realized that deep down, what I was really afraid of was being abandoned again. Like I was as a child, like I was in my marriage.

It was a big realization. It wasn't fun, but it was important to get in touch with it. In retrospect, I'm sure my kids were just responding to my own heavy energy -- and there's a much better chance that, having gotten what I needed (clarity about my feelings), I'll get what I want tomorrow on the big day...