Let's Spend the Night Together

One week from today, I'll be arriving in Marquette, Michigan to participate in the Marquette marathon and half marathon. As I've written about previously, I signed up for the marathon in May after meeting a woman from Marquette when I was vacationing in Copper Harbor (also in Michigan's Upper Peninsula) with my then-family-of-four.

But you see, things aren't really working out like I'd hoped/planned:

1) I've been nursing several injuries since the half marathon I ran on June 8, and as a result, I had to shift my registration in Marquette to the half and spend hundreds of dollars on bodywork just to keep myself in the game for that distance.

2) My favorite U.P. travel companion left the region, and none of the friends whom I invited to do the race with me are actually coming with me. Last week I thought one had decided to join me, but now she can't go either.

3) The tagline on the website for Marquette (linked above) asks: "What's your human nature?" Well, let's see: My human nature involves things like signing up for races in places I've never visited when I meet someone whom I get a good feeling about who invites me to sign up for them; AND my human nature involves going to said race even if I have to scale back the distance and nurse injuries and no one I know is able to accompany me; AND my human nature involves feats of athleticism like running a half marathon and mountain biking in the same weekend and I can hook myself up with those; BUT, dear Universe, another lovely part of my human nature involves a desire to be befriended and touched and held and supported and sexed up by a hot man, and I gotta say you've kinda left me hanging in that department!

So here I am, a week away, marking this day with a little friendly challenge courtesy of the Stones:

Don't hang me up and don't let me down (don't let me down)
We could have fun just groovin around around and around
Oh my, my
Let's spend the night together
Now I need you more than ever
Let's spend the night together

Come on, Universe, you can do this for me, can't you?

You know I'm smiling baby
You need some guiding baby
I'm just deciding baby; now-
I need you more than ever
Let's spend the night together
Let's spend the night together now

You've been known to do it before -- on Maui, at a certain wedding just over three years ago (though the shacking up had to wait a few weeks with that one):

This doesn't happen to me everyday (oh my)
Let's spend the night together
No excuses offered anyway (oh my)
Let's spend the night together
I'll satisfy your every need (every need)
And I now know you will satisfy me
Oh my, my, my, my, my
Let's spend the night together
Now I need you more than ever
Let's spend the night together...

So how about next weekend? Feels like that would be just what the Dr. ordered...

Time is On My Side

Yesterday while I was out riding my bike, this song started playing on the internal ipod:

Time is on my side, yes it is
Time is on my side, yes it is

It felt pretty inexplicable, but in a good way. Like I may not feel like time is on my side at the moment, or know that it is, but according to the soundtrack of my life, it is. The song has been on repeat in my head ever since.

I had a pretty damn good day today -- finished my taper run of 6 miles complete with a hangover -- if that isn't proof that I'm ready for my half marathon next weekend, I don't know what is!

But as afternoon turned to evening, I found myself feeling really crappy about the really crappy thing that's happening in my life right now.

I felt the urge to drink heavily and decided that I'd meditate instead. I fired up one of my favorite guided meditations in a crisis -- Buddha Transforms Difficulties -- and just about immediately started sobbing. My daughter came in to see if I was ok, and asked why I was crying. I told her that I was upset about my special friend's upcoming departure, and explained that sometimes I feel better when I stop and consciously make space to feel the difficult feelings. She patted my head and said she hoped I'd feel better soon, and then left.

Unfortunately, I didn't feel much better afterward. And when I went to look up the lyrics to this picked-for-me song, I started to say "Oh, maybe that's why this song was in my head!":

Now you always say
That you want to be free
But you'll come running back (said you would baby)
Youll come running back (I said so many times before)
Youll come running back to me

But I'm not sure I really dare hope that. I'm not sure I can bear it.

Anyway, whatever it means, I'm glad time is on my side:

Cause I got the real love
The kind that you need
Youll come running back (said you would, baby)
Youll come running back (I always said you would)
Youll come running back, to me
Yes time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
I said, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side
Yeah, time, time, time is on my side

I'm Free

One of the many adjustments that have come with moving to a new house is my morning commute. I used to be able to easily ride my bike to work, even if I drove or walked with my kids to their respective schools -- I'd just pick up my bike on my way back since my house was on the way to downtown. Not so anymore. That's meant more driving for me of late, which doesn't make me happy.

This morning I decided to just make it work to ride my bike, so I put my bike rack on my car, put my bike on it, and left it parked on a street near my daughter's school after I dropped her off.

Almost immediately after climbing aboard my Trek (and it ranks third of three in terms of the bikes in my fleet and how happy they make me), I heard this song start to play:

I'm free to do what I want any old time
I'm free to do what I want any old time

I am, of course, not free to do what I want any old time, but having the freedom to pedal myself to work greatly enhances my sense of personal freedom.

And although this wasn't the verse that went through my head, it is apropos for me today...

I'm free to choose who I see any old time
I'm free to bring who I choose any old time
Love me hold me love me hold me
I'm free any old time to get what I want

...because last night and today I was feeling a lot of anger about my lack of control over big parts of my life. Those words are a good reminder that while I may not have control, I do have choices, and recognizing that I am making choices -- though their outcome may be shy of that last line -- helps me take responsibility for my own happiness.

If I had to make one request to the Universe (with the Stones' help) to enhance my level of happiness, it'd be this:

Love me hold me love me hold me

...because I'm definitely not being held or getting as much lovin' in my life as I'd like at the moment.

I guess it's time for me to stop behaving as if I know or can control my fate, and instead ask for what I want and let go of the rest:

Love me hold me love me hold me

Beast of Burden

Heard this song yesterday morning in the car - such a great tune:

I'll never be your beast of burden
My back is broad but it's a hurting
All I want is for you to make love to me

I'll never be your beast of burden
I've walked for miles my feet are hurting
All I want is for you to make love to me

And I found myself thinking how much simpler it would be if that's all I wanted. And it was, for a time, but it was a time when I was denying major parts of myself. Now that I am feeling more fully integrated, I want the person making love to me to be the very same person that helps me continue to understand how to really love someone with your whole heart without becoming their beast of burden:

I'll never be your beast of burden
I'll never be your beast of burden
Never, never, never, never, never, never, never be

I think sometimes this is what we are afraid of -- especially when we've had an experience where we've abandoned ourself for another or in the name of something that felt larger than we were -- and this fear can keep us from fully investing in a love. It may feel like it is the relationship or the other person we can't fully trust, and there is some truth to that. We can't control what other people do.

Luckily, we don't have to control what other people say or do. All we need is to be able to trust ourselves to stay tuned into what we are feeling and remain committed to speaking our truth and having it heard by the ones we love. Even when it hurts them to hear it. Because it's the people who love us most who can help our truths evolve into something more fully realized and more beautiful than anything we can conjure up on our own.

I should know. Over the last 22 months I've seen my understanding of love blossom (and myself along with it) in ways I never imagined possible.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

When I climbed into bed tonight, I wasn't in a good frame of mind. It was a rough week, and I'd made some preparations for the evening that I thought meant it would go smoothly: I picked up the foods my kids liked, and I'd gotten a DVD from Netflix that one of them had requested. I was hoping for some joyful bonding at the dinner table followed by a snuggle on the couch together watching the movie. That's not what I got -- the food, somehow, wasn't up to par, and my daughter did NOT want her brother to watch the movie with us. I felt defeated, which isn't an easy thing to bounce back from when you're already feeling pretty depleted.

Long story short, the eve of my 40th birthday wasn't pretty in a lot of ways, and when this song came on:

You can't always get what you want (no, no baby)

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need, ah yes...

I knew I hadn't gotten what I wanted, and further, I wasn't sure I'd gotten what I needed. I tried to get in touch with what was underneath the yucky feelings I was having, and unearthed some fear I was feeling about my boyfriend coming to town and meeting a bunch more of my friends. Although I wanted to take that step, my feet had some residual cement on them from the last time I felt this way and went down this road, and I realized that deep down, what I was really afraid of was being abandoned again. Like I was as a child, like I was in my marriage.

It was a big realization. It wasn't fun, but it was important to get in touch with it. In retrospect, I'm sure my kids were just responding to my own heavy energy -- and there's a much better chance that, having gotten what I needed (clarity about my feelings), I'll get what I want tomorrow on the big day...

Gimme Shelter

I got home late tonight after going straight to an appointment and errands after work, followed by teaching yoga. I stopped on my way home to pick up some thai food because I knew I wouldn't feel like cooking. I also stopped at my kids' other house to pick something up, and when I arrived home I felt a couple of things: 1) Relieved to be home; 2) Wishing I was coming home to my kids or my man or better yet, both. That's the way it's supposed to work, isn't it? Not necessarily, and today, I got to bear witness to the fact that although it's supposed to work that everyone gets to experience the relief in arriving home, some of us aren't so fortunate.

When I got to work today, I parked right near an entrance to the Capitol, and as I got out of the car, I realized that draped over the giant, convex air vent was a sleeping homeless person. It was one of the saddest sights I've ever had to behold -- the temperature outside was probably about 10 degrees.

I wish there was something I could do about this besides dedicate this classic Stones tune to that poor soul who is likely braving the elements again tonight, but alas, it's the best I can do:

Oh, a storm is threat'ning

My very life today

If I don't get some shelter

Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away