Bad

Gonna miss this guy!

This gorgeous song was running through my head last night and this morning after a pillow-talk convo with the New Englander:

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay, see you walk, walk away
Into the night, and through the rain
Into the half light and through the flame

If I could, through myself, set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light and to the day

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

To let it go and so to fade away
To let it go and so fade away
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake, wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood-shot eyes

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

Because, you see, if he could, I know he would. Make the changes that would make our lives together fulfilling and harmonious. I know he would.

But it doesn't work like that. That's the hard lesson I'm (we're?) learning.

And so we're going about our daily life, which feels almost normal, except for the fact that we are breaking up and he's packing up to move back to New Hampshire.

Which tells me we could've gone on like this forever, or at least a lot longer, allowing the good times to buoy us through the bad. But I feel certain that would be shortchanging both of us, and offering us less than the ease, peace, happiness and fulfillment that is available to each of us:

This desperation, dislocation
Separation, condemnation
Revelation, in temptation
Isolation, desolation
Let it go and so fade away
To let it go, oh yeah, and so fade away
To let it go, oh no, and so to fade away

Yeah U2, we two are gonna let the romance fade away. Here's hoping we can keep the friendship going.

In the meantime, your last few lines are true for me right now too:

I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake
Wide awake, I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

Not for long, most nights these days. My system knows change is afoot...

Where The Streets Have No Name

I love it when the streets disappear under snow

I was cooped up inside all day today, so close to dusk, when I finally did strap on my cross country skis, I was feeling this U2 classic big time:

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I wanna reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel, sunlight on my face
I see that dust cloud disappear without a trace
I wanna take shelter from the poison rain

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name

We're still building
Then burning down love, burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do

The cities a flood
And our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled into dust

I'll show you a place
High on the desert plain

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name

Still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love

And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do

Our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh and I see love
See our love turn to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do

I love U2. I love snow. And I love that all I can do is exactly enough...

In God's Country

I had a great week of practice this week, but because I was also responsible for getting my kids to camp four of the five days, it was a week of very early mornings. I kept finding that I would get really tired at 7pm, but by the time 10pm rolled around and my kids were finally in bed, I'd get a second wind and would be unable to fall asleep quickly. By Thursday night, when my kids were at their Dad's, I told myself I'd just go to sleep whenever I got tired, which happened to be 6:30pm. I was awake for an hour in the middle of the night, but all told by the time my alarm went off I'd gotten 11 hours of sleep!

As a result, I felt like a million bucks today. My practice felt easy and my Arboretum loop was the second fastest I've done -- not because I needed to be somewhere like the fasted one -- but because I felt like running fast.

When I heard this song on my run, a number of parts spoke to me, starting with the first line of this verse:

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah, yeah

Set me alight
We'll punch a hole right through the night
Everyday the dreamers die
See what's on the other side

And then there's the first two lines of this verse, which have always been my favorite:

She is liberty
And she comes to rescue me
Hope, faith, her vanity
The greatest gift is gold

This has been such a gorgeous summer in Madison -- the most beautiful I can remember. And running through the Arb -- well, it does feel like God's country:

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah

But I'm gonna have to part ways with Bono on the last verse, because I don't feel burned by the fire of love -- I just feel warmed by it:

Naked flame
She stands with a naked flame
I stand with the sons of Cain
Burned by the fire of love
Burned by the fire of love

Beautiful Day

Springtime at the Capitol!

I've been keeping up with my daily gratitude journal, and I'm happy to report that each day I find more for which to be grateful.

This morning started off cloudy and looking like it might rain, but after my 5-minute morning meditation, I pedaled over to the studio for my morning practice. I arrived with a whole hour in which to practice, which had been my goal after the weekend. The practice felt great, and when I saw my old teacher at the end of it (he was coming in to teach his class), he commented on how bright-eyed we Ashtangis were.

I am feeling much brighter eyed after this weekend. As painful as it was, I think it did a lot for me. After work today I went for a 7-mile run out to Picnic Point and back to the Capitol, and my body felt really strong and limber. (During my last long run I kept having to stop and stretch because my hip and leg were bothering me.) Who knew that sitting still and feeling my feelings could loosen me up where yoga could not?

This beautiful day turned out to be sunny and 80 degrees -- one of those Wisco spring days that feels like summer came overnight. When I got done with my run, I walked over to Collectivo to get myself a chocolate milk -- the perfect recovery drink -- and on my way back to the gym for a shower, I saw a woman photographing the tulips on the Capitol lawn. I've seen people doing this many times this Spring, but until today, I wasn't moved to take one of my own (see photo).

I'm super happy with the way the photo turned out, and how well it dovetails with the song I've chosen to mark this day:

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

Yes Bono, it is a beautiful day, and I'm in such a good space to appreciate it. I'm going to try not to cling to it, though -- that was the lesson in the guided meditation I went to this evening on my way home. (My old yoga teacher started a group a year or two ago which I've known about but until now I had not been inspired to attend.)

And I do love this town:

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

I feel so fortunate to live in a house I love, to practice yoga in a studio I love, to work in a beautiful building, to have my gym as a home base for showers after exercising outdoors, to have such a scenic run just down the street from my work, to live in such a bike friendly place and own such an Archie-friendly bike.

Oh yes, and so glad it is finally warm outside!

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

I sure do know that. And I'm trusting that going about my daily life and feeling gratitude is going to bring me most of what I want and all of what I need:

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day

All I Want Is You

I was the only one in the office today, so I put on a little music to keep me company. Hearing this song was like hearing from an old friend:

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold

But all the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you'll give me a highway with no one on it
A treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night

You say you'll give me eyes in a world of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

What an amazing song. I was talking today to a friend about how amazingly strong the fixation on wanting to be with someone can be when we're in the midst of it. It feels like it is worth any price, and it can cause us to do things we might not otherwise imagine ourselves doing. It's difficult, when you're in it, to get much perspective on it, and up until sometime this fall, I was definitely in it:

You
All I want is...you
All I want is...you
All I want is...you

These last six months, I was given a choice: use my broken heart to become bitter and closed, or allow it to open me, to teach me, to ask what's next for me to learn. I chose the latter, and I managed to reach a space where I honestly don't know who I want, because I just want to be with the person who is most able to help me be the best version of myself I can be. I don't know now, but I do trust that it will be revealed before too long...

Desire

This song has been playing in my head the past couple of days, ever since I started pondering what it means for me to move into a space where I can miss my ex without feeling bad about it. I asked myself what it is I miss, and part of it is him. The person with whom I fell in love and all the reasons I did. And that's ok. I still miss my first love, too. I still miss things about him now, 23 years after we dated. It doesn't get me down, though, it's even sort of semi-pleasant.

And now to what inspired the song:

Yeah
Lover, I'm on the street
Gonna go where the bright lights
And the big city meet
With a red guitar, on fire

Desire

Yes, the other thing I really miss about my last boyfriend and our relationship is being desired and desiring someone. Maybe because that really was my first relationship where desire got separated from the icky stuff it was attached to when I was a young girl, so I could finally just enjoy it:

She's a candle burning in my room
Yeah I'm like the needle, needle and spoon
Over the counter with a shotgun
Pretty soon everybody got one
I'm the fever when I'm beside her

Desire
Desire
Lady

And the fever, getting higher
Desire
Desire
Burning
Burning

And enjoy it I did. With any luck, it won't be too long before I'm in a relationship where I can enjoy it again. God knows after my last relationship, I'm not going to settle for anything less than burning desire in my next one...

Bad

This morning I woke up from a series of dreams in which I was wrestling with the pent-up desire that is such a constant companion in a long distance relationship. None of them contained anything too out there -- a little horseback riding, kissing another guy, and then telling my boyfriend about it and having him tell me he'd passed up a co-ed and I can keep doing the same.

And then I called him and told him about the whole series of dreams, and he sympathized mightily.

After we hung up, this incredible song started to play inside my head:

If I could, you know I would

If I could, I would

Let it go...

This desperation

Dislocation

Separation

Condemnation

Revelation

In temptation

Isolation

Desolation

Let it go

And so fade away

To let it go

And so fade away

To let it go

And so to fade away

I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake

Wide awake

I'm not sleeping

Oh, no, no, no

Yes, if I could, you know I would do a lot of different things with my day today, but alas, I guess I'll just get up and go to work...

Pride (In the Name of Love)

Today is the anniversary of the death of the man from whom I draw more inspiration than any other, Martin Luther King, Jr. I will never forget the outrage I felt as a little girl when we learned about him in school. How could someone kill such a good man? Almost 30 years later, I still can't say I understand it, just as I cannot understand why we continue to allow so many young black Americans to slip through the cracks of our educational system, destined, in many cases, for a dangerous, short life, and, more likely than not, a life behind bars. In Wisconsin, we tout our graduation rate as something to be proud of -- and it is, if you are white. In that case, you have an over 82 percent chance of graduating from high school in four years. If you're black, that chance drops to 49 percent.

One of the black men I admire who is still alive and fighting for these kids' education is Howard Fuller. If you saw Waiting for Superman, you might remember the scene where he talks about his tenure as Superintendent of Milwaukee Public Schools, where, after he saw videotaped evidence of poor teaching in some classrooms, he tried to fire the teachers: "I thought I was in charge!?" he said, as he explained that he was forced to reinstate them. Maddeningly, although that was 20 years ago, not much has changed since that time. Someone forwarded me an email from Howard the other day, and at the bottom was this quote from Mary McLeod Bethune:

“I will not rest while there is a single Negro boy or girl without a chance to prove his worth."

I'm not going to rest either. My role may be less obvious - I'm not a black man -- but I'm going to do what I can. I'm determined to help carry out the work of the incredible man who came in the name of love, shared his dream and gave his life for it:

Mmm...mmm...mmm...

Early morning, April 4

Shot rings out in the Memphis sky

Free at last, they took your life

They could not take your pride

In the name of love!

What more in the name of love?

In the name of love!

What more in the name of love?

In the name of love!

What more in the name of love...

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Oh Bono. I remember when you sang this beloved song to my friends and me when we roadtripped to Ames, IA in the early 1990s to see you and your amazing band:

I have climbed highest mountains

I have run through the fields

Only to be with you

Only to be with you

I have run

I have crawled

I have scaled these city walls

These city walls

Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

And for a few hours, maybe a few days, after having that experience -- the same one the Italians had more recently in the video linked above, I thought maybe I had found what I was looking for. But then that feeling eventually faded.

When this song came on the radio on the way home from dinner with my kids last night, I realized something kinda major: I came closer to finding what I was looking for by sitting silently on a cushion for three days with perfect strangers than I've ever come doing one of my other favorite things (snuggling with my kids, swimming in the ocean, enjoying the love of a good man, drinking a glass of really great wine or eating a really delicious meal with friends, reading a really great story, hearing beautiful music, etc.).

This, I reckon, gets to the heart of Buddhist teachings: that the sweetest joy is found not in doing, but in being. That's not to say that my being isn't enhanced by any of the above activities or the feelings they evoke, just that touching its core is a deeper state of bliss than they could ever provide...