All Apologies

This song has been on repeat for me in the past week or so:

What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married
Buried

I love this song, and it's appropriate to mark this day for a couple of reasons:

1) I taught yoga in the jail today, and although one guard told us we couldn't open up the doors in the gym and let the sun shine in, another guard opened them for us. The women were so excited to see the sun and the sky and the fall colors. Sensory deprivation is no joke, but it sure does enhance the experience once the senses are allowed to take it all in again. I feel so lucky to bear witness to these women and feel this incredible sense of oneness. There by the grace of God go I and all that...

2) Yesterday was my Mom's birthday. I reckon I did some more healing in California from my relationship with my Mom. I realized while riding my bike yesterday that, at least in part, what I loathe in her, I loathe in myself. If I can find a way to embrace her, I will also be embracing me. And I know that to a large extent, this is true. There is still the part of me that thinks "But she was the parent! She was supposed to know! She was supposed to protect me!" But I know that holding on to what was supposed to happen serves no one. So I have to let myself feel it and move on:

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything's my fault
I take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn, freezer burn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

Everything is not my fault, but everything is not her fault, either. And riding my bike in the Fall sunshine, I can feel that this is true, and I can let go of more of the pain I've been hauling around for so long:

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married
Married
Married
Buried