Head Like a Hole

Trent Reznor and the rest of NIN will always have a soft spot in my heart. Although it wasn't until I googled the lyrics that had popped into my head:

Bow down before the one you serve

You're going to get what you deserve

...that I realized it was a NIN song, when I fired up this video, it felt like seeing an old friend. I once had a crush (that might be a bit of an understatement since it consumed my every action and feeling for a good six months or so) on a guy who was super into NIN, so the music just reminds me of that time in my life. It was a good time, in a lot of ways. We had a lot of fun together -- I was just always unsatisfied by the lack of action, and yet I continued to go out with him and let him crash in my bed rather than moving on to more physically and emotionally satisfying pastures. Looking back on it, although it didn't feel like it at the time, I must've, on some level, been getting what I needed, even if I definitely didn't feel like I was getting what I deserved.

Which is a great segue to the reason I reckon this song came to me this evening. It must be related to a conversation I had this morning with a friend about the nature of deserving and needing and how to differentiate them. We'd both recently had experiences where we didn't get what we felt we deserved, and had thus come away frustrated, angry. And we talked about the fact that there is often little to no relationship between what one deserves and what one has or is or feels in any given moment. Defined as what one deserves, if that isn't what the moment holds, disappointment ensues. Defined as what one needs, the need might not be met in the moment, but once it is identified, a plan can be made to get those needs met. That was the step I didn't take when I was obsessed with NIN-boy -- identifying the need and then opening myself to the need being met. Instead I fixated on the deserving piece. It didn't get me very far then, and it doesn't get me very far now -- so I'm going to make every attempt to get in touch with and articulate my needs.

And right now, I'm tired and I need to sleep, but I can't sign off without citing these choice lyrics -- some of the best fodder for an angry mouth that I can think of:

Head like a hole,

Black as your soul.

I'd rather die than give you control...

Probably not a recipe for happiness, but so satisfying in its very own goth-punk way.