Unknown Legend

Riding my bike after practice today, I heard this song in my head, from one of my very favorite voices:

She used to work in a diner
Never saw a woman look finer
I used to order just to watch
her float across the floor
She grew up in a small town
Never put her roots down
Daddy always kept movin',
so she did too

In particular, these next two lines are the ones that were on repeat:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with
the very air she breathes
The air she breathes

I'm focusing right now, as much as I can on simple things like breathing, during this in-between time that ain't easy at all:

You know it ain't easy
You got to hold on
She was an unknown legend
in her time
Now she's dressin' two kids
Lookin' for a magic kiss
She gets the far-away look
in her eyes

Lucky for me, my kids don't require dressin' anymore. They are beautiful, fully formed people with a strong sense of who they are, who they want to be, and just as important, who they don't want to be.

Meanwhile, nearly five decades into this life, I'm continuing to develop my own sense of that. I think the pull for me, coming from the family I did, to put my man first, is not to be underestimated. As one of my yoga teachers said: "I don't think you knew there was another option."

Indeed I didn't, but I do now. Now I choose to value my own peace of mind and heart over any man's, including one I love dearly.

And I choose to do what makes me happy -- riding my bike, going to yoga, and listening to Neil in my head:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with the very
air she breathes
The air she breathes

Inside Job

Yoga: the ultimate inside job

On Friday I had SUCH an exciting thing happen -- unfortunately I don't have a photo or video of it, but I dropped from standing into a backbend!

In Ashtanga this is called a dropback, and I had only been working toward it over the last couple of weeks. When my teacher told me today that she thought I was ready, I was SUPER surprised, but I just decided to go with it.

Maybe the best part of the whole experience was having the woman next to me say to me afterward: "I was watching you and you just went for it without any hesitation!"

It made me feel soooooo good to have been that person: fearless, if even for a moment. I've lived with so much fear in my life, and it's stopped me from so much, and I'm just so, so, so thankful that I've been doing this inside job for 10 years or so now and IT'S CLEARLY WORKING.

Sing it Eddie:

Underneath this smile Lies everything
All my hopes, anger, pride and shame
Make myself a pact, not to shut doors on the past
Just for today, I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

I know this one thing well
I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in
Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all human light
How I choose to feel is how I am
How I choose to feel is how I am

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of the night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul again
Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again
Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light today

That's me for sure -- shining my human light!

Half Of You

I'm taking a memoir writing class, and it's soooooo good for me in so many ways:

1) I've been wanting to write a memoir for years, and now I'm learning how!

2) I'm writing! The goal is five minutes a day, plus three pieces over eight weeks to be shared with the group;

3) I'm getting great feedback on my writing and learning to become a better writer;

4) I'm inspired by my own work and others' in the class to forge ahead with my memoir; and maybe most importantly of all:

5) Through the writing process, I'm learning more about myself.

In the car on the way home from Milwaukee today, I popped in a CD that said "Tunes for Sarah" on it. I have zero idea who made it for me - didn't recognize the handwriting, and can't remember being given a CD with primarily Cat Power, Gorillaz, Pearl Jam and some other band on it, but listening to it brought me this song:

When you give half of you
I want all of you
When you give half of you
I want all of you

When you go back window
You see shadows
When you're shopping for me
'Cause when you give half of you
I want all of you

Sadness is a gentle mind
But a good woman has her hands to use
Empty package of chips will tell you
What can be sold market and what can belong to you
When you give...when you give half of you
I want all of you

And I've felt this way, for sure, like I'm not getting all of the person I love. I feel less that way lately, so that's an upside to this rocky period we're in right now.

But what this song brings up for me most of all is how I recently saw, while writing about a trip I took with my boyfriend a year and change ago, how I go in and out of being in a place where I am wholly present and available. And that CAN'T be easy for him.

I'm excited to continue on my healing path, and continue with my writing, and integrate into a whole that sticks together more easily than the one I'm working with, and trying to share, right now...