Not because I'm not happy for him -- I am. For many years, as I've written about on this blog, we thought one day we'd end up back together, but a few years ago, when we were both free, we did the whole reunion thing, and found that rekindling our romance wasn't really in the cards.
No, the reason it hit me so hard, I reckon, is that it feels like yet another sign from the Universe that I need to let go of my current love, someone to whom I expressed from the very beginning that what I wanted was to get married again, to be a family, to possibly have or foster or adopt another child... And from the very beginning, he's told me that he wasn't so sure he was up for all that. Feels like it's about time that I decide to set myself free to find the man with whom I can have all that I'm asking.
Why this song, you ask? Well, let's see. A few possible reasons it could've been triggered when I saw the photo: 1) It was my sister's song when she got married; 2) My old boyfriend was a super cool skinny black dude who became a not so-skinny but still super cool black dude, kinda like Luther Vandross; and/or 3) The title of the song has some urgency, some right-nowness, about which I seem to need to be reminded.
You see, I was getting that message before, but I was confused, thinking that because I felt all these lyrics with my current man:
When I look in your eyes
There I see
Just what you mean to me
Here in my heart I believe
Your love is all I'll ever need
Holdin' you close through the night
I need you, yeah
It didn't really matter that he wasn't choosing to share my life or say we'd always be together:
One look in your eyes and there I see
What happiness really means
The love that we share makes life so sweet
Together we'll always be
This pledge of love feels so right
And, ooh, I need you
But it does matter. It hurts me every time there's a reminder that he's got other priorities and is on his way out of town in a matter of months. It's about time I face up to this loss, close the chapter, and begin the healing process that will lead me to the love with which I'll walk down the aisle:
[Starting here] Ooh, and I'm starting now
I believe [I believe in love], I believe
[Starting here] I'm starting right here
[Starting now] Right now because I believe in your love
So I'm glad to take the vow
Here and now, oh
I promise to love faithfully [faithfully]
You're all I need
Here and now, yeah
I vow to be one with thee [you and me], yeah
Your love is all I need
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