When my boyfriend came over, he didn't comment on my haircut, he just talked about his excitement about getting away for the weekend to ski up north and he talked about getting some news about some potential new employment that would take him away from here -- out East or out West. And I just felt myself shut down. I no longer felt like sharing the things I had to say about my day or my life or our life -- they just didn't really seem relevant in that framework.
Needless to say I wasn't feeling close to him when we went to sleep last night, or when we woke up this morning, but this morning my internal jukebox was good enough to find this moldy oldie -- just what I needed to have a good cry:
She runs to the street and she screams
"What about me? It isn't fair
I've had enough now, I want my share
Can't you see? I wanna live
But you just take more than you give"
(More than you give)
In some ways, this is an extension of what I was talking about in yesterday's post. This is me not seeing things for what they are, but rather, what I want them to be. My boyfriend has said on numerous occasions that he feels like he takes more than he gives, that that has been an issue in prior relationships, that it is part of who he is that isn't likely to change. I've had a hard time accepting that, but I think I'm getting there:
Now, we're standin' on the corner of a world gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feelin' cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got
I reckon that while letting go of this relationship will not mean getting to be with this man I so adore, it is likely that I'll eventually get to have more than I've got now in terms of a life partner:
What about me? It isn't fair
I've had enough now, I want my share
Can't you see? I wanna live
But you just take more, what about me?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
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