Pardon My Heart

Yesterday I decided to take a breather from work and grab coffee with a friend. He asked me how I was doing, I started telling him, and surprise! -- I started to cry. My friend didn't say much in response. He just sat and listened, and then repeated what I believe to be a pretty accurate assessment of my situation: "That really sucks." Yeah, it does.

But I love me some Neil Young, and when Pandora played this tune last night, it felt about perfect:

It's a fallen situation
When all eyes are turned in
And a love isn't flowing
The way it could have been

As I told my friend over coffee, it is so hard to know where to be or what to do in this situation. I hate being mad at this person who isn't really still my person but still feels like he is:

It's a sad communication
With little reason to believe
When one isn't giving
And one pretends to receive

So last night I tried doing what I know how to do that has served me in such instances in the past: I spoke my truth, and I consciously took the time to get into my heart space by doing one of my favorite 30-minute meditations (Mind like Sky with Jack Kornfield).

I think it worked, and I can't imagine a more beautiful way to express the feelings I got in touch with than what Neil sings here:

Pardon my heart
If I showed that I cared
But I love you
more than moments
We have or have not shared

Because I guess more than anything, what I got from my meditation was to view what's in front of my eyes (or not in front of my eyes, as the case may and sometimes will be) as the play of experience, rather than allowing the mind to draw conclusions that fit with old stories of abandonment or betrayal, even if on some level, they feel "true."

If I can do this -- and it's a tall order -- I can keep in touch with and keep being guided by the love that this relationship uncovered rather than the sadness and wrath I feel about it not working out the way I wanted:

You brought it all on
Oh, and it feels so good
You brought it all on
When love flows
the way that it should
You brought it all on...