It's Time

This song has been with me for days -- a loyal companion, both on my internal sound system and those to which I tune in from time to time. It's a good one, and it comes, as this video clip shows, from a really cute movie that my man and I saw together: The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

I've been hearing it (and feeling it) especially acutely after yesterday's visit from a close friend whom I don't see all that often. She, like others in my life, have their own feelings about my boyfriend's decision to pack up at the end of this two-year experiment and head back from whence he came:

I don't ever wanna let you down
I don't ever wanna leave this town

She thinks he shouldn't want to let me down. And he doesn't, want to, that is. But he's prepared to do it to find his own happiness:

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

As I see it, changing who we are is tricky. I believe it can be done in a way where you retain the good stuff and let go of the parts that are in your way, but we have to feel safe and loved and accepted so that we understand that our essence and our worth aren't tied up in the things to which our personalities and/or our bodies become attached. That's hard work, sorting that all out, and to do it, we have to want it for ourselves. No one else can want it hard enough for us to flip that switch.

And I guess I feel relieved, really, having let go of my desire to try to sell my boyfriend on Madison, on family life, on an exercise program that only involves convening with mountains a couple times a year rather than a couple of times a week or month. It was exhausting, this sale's job -- and for good reason -- it wasn't my job, nor really even my right:

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back

Would I like him to stay? Sure. Do I want him to stay if he can't do so with his whole heart, mind, body and soul? No.

I don't ever wanna let you down
I don't ever wanna leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

As for changing who I am -- I've gone through so much positive growth in this relationship. And one of the things I've realized this year is that there are two main ways I feel loved: spending quality time with my partner and physical touch. Which means that when he moves back East, my man won't be able to provide those two things, and thus he isn't going to be able to be my man anymore:

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes

Yes, it's gonna hurt. It does hurt. I know I'm going to have to let him go. Part of me has known it since early on in our relationship, but I haven't wanted that to be true. And if there's an area of potential growth for me, it is in seeing and dealing with what is rather than what I want or thought or imagine to be the case. I've made a lot of progress on that, but my giant tax bill is a pretty good indication that I'm not quite there.

As for letting go, it's never easy. I get pretty dang attached to people. But I've done it before, so I know I can do it, and that I'll be ok. And I trust that ultimately, the universe will find a way of meeting all of my needs.